Approximately half of the remaining players have declared that they would like to have a duel at the moment. Currently there are too many assassins left for a duel to be feasible, but as soon as the number has decreased somewhat, and all remaining players agree (or the term draws to an end) a duel can take place.
Edward "Baldric" Wallace and Robert "The Inverse Square Law of a Rational Function" Hiersemenzel and Dan "The Unusual Suspect" Credgington engaged in an orgy of mutual destruction:
Seated one day at my desk, pretending to do some work, (I was actually examining my new gun, not working) I heard an ominous knock at my door. Such is the way these things often work. And they often end with people dying: surprisingly enough, this is what happened today.
So, the knock having every appearance of assassin-ness, and a neighbour of mine having informed me of the presence of two suspicious people in the kitchen, I heavily armed myself and walked out of the door. not the door to _my_ room, of course. Carefully, I stalked the corridor, covering all exits. But, those who had designs on my life were still examining my groceries. Plunging into the kitchen, I was immediately greeted by an obsessive, well-armed, German mathematician assassin -- oh no, not another! But Mrs Faithful was not Miss Sprightly, and (s)he looked quite surprised by the sudden appearance of a hole in her chest as (s)he completely failed to draw a weapon.
Then a click informed me of the continued lurkingness of the other assassin, and in a flash I moved round the corner, destroyed most of the Unusual Suspect's torso (the only unusual thing about him was his semblance of sanity, rare indeed in an assassin) ....and died due to his bullet in my chest. Ouch -- good shooting.
So endeth my campaign. But I and my biscuits shall be back; not everyone, unlike these Emma malevolents, has friends whom even Sainsbury's finest cookies cannot buy.
Since I was too dead to bribe anyone else, I shared some biscuits with these two afterwards. Ahh. After being dead, both Dan and I shot Terry Lines!!! Wahey!!!
The Emmanuelite corpses were found with the following report:
It is with great regret that we have to announce our deaths.
This afternoon, The Inverse Square Law of a Rational Function had successfully wasted several little lemmas and kinky theorems on a particularly severe integral and had eventually worked out the limits: life and death. Murder and carnage, no way it could be avoided. Flapping its hideous wings, The Inverse Square Law of a Rational Function leapt from the tower of its complex castle and sailed towards Harvey Court.
At the same time, hearing its cries overhead, The Unusual Suspect knew the call of duty and proceeded to its secret armoury, hidden behind an empty crate of lager, one name, scribbled on a piece of paper, reminding him: Ed Wallace. Armed with a disturbingly large amount of weaponry ( two cap guns, one pellet gun, one cosh, a light sabre, gas, contact poison and two litres of electronically detonated high explosives), the two messengers of death swiftly descended into the darkness.
They arrived at the high security complex, and while The Inverse Square Law of a Rational Function pondered over the vectors in its integral, The Unusual Suspect gained entrance. The two of them made their way to the target locations, skilfully avoiding the intruder alert systems.
While hatching their cunning and fiendish plan amongst piles of unwashed pans in a darkened gyp-room (to make it feel more homely), The Inverse Square Law of a Rational Function suddenly noticed a strange, scared presence in the room, but before it could evaluated the new parameters, the presence slipped away into its room - only then did The Inverse Square Law of a Rational Function realise that this was its target - never mind, every quadratic has two roots...
Armed with gun, gas and guile, the two fiends knocked on Ed Wallaces door - to no effect, "Go Away" the cunning cretin shouted. Plan B followed after several minutes of deltoid-muscle exercise (=pointing your weapons at the door): The Unusual Suspect returned to the homely gyp-room, which had already adapted to the smell of The Inverse Square Law of a Rational Function, and prepared his deadly explosive device, determined to kill. But, oh Stoke's Theorem, at this point The Inverse Square Law of a Rational Function got its vectors all wrong: it heard steps on the stairs, but before it could set up a defensive matrix, a mad maniac with a storm laser pistol raided the kitchen - the final term in the Taylor Expansion of The Inverse Square Law of a Rational Function. Seeing the look of horror on The Inverse Square Law of a Rational Function's face, The Unusual Suspect watched in despair as its chest exploded into a mass of blood and particular integrals. Knowing this would be his last stand, he lunged round the corner, a gun in each hand, and time seemed to slow down as he fired wildly at the maniacs right nipple (you just have to do these things right, you know), but even while the bullet left his gun, the smell of burning flesh filled his nostrils as he felt the scorching laser beam slice through his unprotected body.
Seconds later, three deformed corpses lay on the floor, blood slowly dripping down the stairs, and the washing-up still hadn't been done.
Rising from their broken bodies, the ghosts of the three fallen warriors joined into a cheerful post-mortem feast, the gentelmanly ghost of the maniac kindly providing Sainsbury's Bourbon Cream (Suitable for vegetarians) chocolate biscuits. While munching these, the ghost of Terry Lines drifted past, but fled when he saw the asorted ethereal weaponry next to the biscuit packet. However, he was too slow for the lightning-fast reflexes of The Unusual Suspect, now no longer constrained by his mortal form, who picked him off with the conveniently located storm laser pistol.
Eventually, The Inverse Square Law of a Rational Function sailed back to its crypt, where it will lie till May Week, nursing its hatred against the living (unless of course the Police Force is an equal opportunity employer, catering for the undead too), and The Unusual Suspect went to find a new crate of lager.
It transpires that "Delerium" and "Baldric" were one and the same, as were "Mrs. Faithful" and "The Inverse Square Law of a Rational Function".
The incompetence forecast for tonight predicts several severe cases of wantedness and possibly one violent manifestation of divine anger (which might result in a supernova). Occultists believe that the symbolic power of at least one good direct attempt on the life of another assassin could banish such evil afflictions.
Sergeant Danger did in the notoriously wanted Jamie "Supernova" Richards thusly:
At about 5.40pm this afternoon, I eliminated the criminal Jamie "Supernova" Richards. I'd previously planned to kill him with the assistance of Ed "Delirium" Wallace of the notoriously dodgy Sandman Mafia, as I owed him a favour. However those plans had to be cancelled with his death yesterday evening. Instead, I decided to go it alone, with the help of an accomplice from Churchill. Armed with my water pistol and some poison gas which I'd manufactured in my underground laboratory, I proceeded to Supernova's college to prove that the occultists are just making up their predictions about divine anger. Fortunately, my accomplice had found out the previous day what Supernova looked like from the matriculation photo (as we all do), and had seen him playing pool the previous night. Putting on my gas mask, I hid behind a corner while my accomplice knocked on the door, claiming that he hadn't received any payment for something or other. Spraying the lethal nerve gas lithiumyttriumnitroxanthine (LYNX) at him, he ran back inside his room in an attempt to grab a gas mask, but could find only a sheet of A4 paper to cover his face. In a vain attempt to kill me, he fired a cap gun, but alas just out of range.
Supernova's dying spirit impressed these last thoughts upon the Hermes mailspool:
Alas, my laziness is no match for the might of the Cambridge police force. Having had my plans for a kill attempt thwarted by my target having died yesterday, I wasn't particularly looking forward to going into town to kill. As it turns out, I didn't have to. Sgt Razor paid me a visit at 5:40, and introduced me to the contents of his gas cannister. As I frantically scrambled for a mask, I remembered I had moved it after the previous attempt on my life, and as I choked to death I cursed my tidiness drive of yesterday. But I shall return, mark my words, and next time I'll remember where I put my equipment.
Sergeant Danger has more to say:
Remember, wanted criminals are always at risk from Sergeant Danger unless they can offer a decent bribe. Criminals of Cambridge, beware!
"Macavity" murdered the still-warm corpse of Jamie "Supernova" Richards
Macavity isn't feeling too happy. I've just made the long and treacherous trek out to Churchill on a mission to rid Cambridge of that notorious wanted criminal, Jamie "Supernova" Richards. After arriving, and finally finding my way to his room, I braced myself for another glorious kill. At 5.50pm I knocked. He opened the door, and I blasted his face away. Yet Supernova seemed remarkably unperturbed by this introduction. As blood spurted over the walls, he calmly explained that he had been on the verge of death anyway. One of our most active and ever vigilant police force had paid a visit not 10 minutes earlier, and gassed him with lethal poison from which there could be no recovery. Before my interruption, he had been putting his effects in order and writing a few goodbye notes as he waited for the inevitable death. I had shot a dying man. I apologised for any inconvenience caused, and we parted on good-natured terms.
Supernova seems to be playing the starring role tonight...
Well aren't I the popular one today? Haven't even been dead 10 minutes, and already they're queueing up to defile my corpse. Thanks to Macavity, there is now a huge hole in my already lifeless body - talk about adding insult to injury. Amazing what difference 10 minutes can make...
Superintendent and Deputy-Chief Tea-Lady "Dilemma" of Donut Division was also there, and he had this to say:
May I be the first to congratulate Macavity on his textbook execution of Supernova. I watched as he surveyed the area for his target's room, then finally finding it away from the rest. I watched as he checked that Jamie was in, then knocked on the outer door. I watched as he pulled the trigger, leaving Richards crumpled against the boxes. It was a simple, well executed kill. I saw him leave, meeting 3 friends on his return to college. You were twitchy on your return, I could see that, but perhaps you should be more wary of being followed in future.
Over three quarters of the remaining players have agreed to a duel now, but some still haven't voted yet (votes about duel are now displayed on the wanted list as well). Some suggestions for a duel site are:
Further suggestions welcome.
PC "Normality" killed Eloise "Echo" Phipps
Waiting patiently in the vicinity of her lecture theatre, I espied the deviant casually walking with an unarmed civilian - obviously intending to use him as a human shield should any trouble arise. Dispatching a trusted accomplice to draw the innocent away (according to standard police procedure) I moved in for the kill. The criminal registered my presence much to late - about the time a volley of rounds from a police-issue sub machine gun ripped he chest open. Leaving the twitching corpse where it lay, I reported in to my immediate superior - Roadkill Ribena - and settled down to another achingly dull sedimentology lecture.
PC "Normality" has been promoted to Sergeant.
Superintendent and Deputy-Chief Tea-Lady "Dilemma" of Donut Division hunted down and killed the rogue assassin Roop "Rhombo" Gupta. The officer's report follows...
Sometimes it's a hard life being a Blade Runner. I'd been on the hunt for a Nexus 6 for the past 2 weeks with no success. They were as smart as humans, but physically much stronger. The one I'd been tracking, Lloyd, had managed to remain undercover and prevent his movements from becoming known. He'd even killed three other rep detecs, and that pissed the whole department off. I was relieved when I got a call about a Nexus 5 in the Jesus sector. The 5's weren't nearly as dangerous as the newer models, their programming didn't let them. They had code to follow and they followed it to the line. Landing my spinner close by I checked I had plenty of chinyen in case I needed to bribe my way into his apartment block, but it was unnecessary. This part of town was run down and needed redevelopment; a perfect hideout for a rep. This skinjob had poetry on his door and music playing in his room. Could they appreciate it? I doubt it. Their memories are implanted, so they think they're human, but they're not. I've got that special little something inside that tells me when they're not. I waited patiently for it to emerge, and as it opened the door, shot wildly, missing it's artificial skin by an inch. But it's a machine right? And a machine does what it's programming says. In this case it was a courier replicant, and it had to make a delivery. It tried once more to escape, but Magnum cartridges pierced it's torso, ripping from it what life it had. Retirement made easy. I'm still hunting for the 6, but it's got a four year life span, and eventually it'll have to show up on DNA Row looking for answers. When it does, I'll be waiting. Deckard went soft, but I'm from the Holden school of Blade Runners. He won't escape.
"Dilemma" has risen, in an appropriately doughlike manner, to the lofty heights of Donut Division, of which he is now Master Kneader, Sugarer-in-chief and Top Tea-Lady.
An email sent to the umpires earlier today, pointed out the following:
well, Q20 isn't exactly far away from Q19 is it? one would have thought a copper with over ten corpses to his name so far wouldn't have taken even this long to find the way to the room next door to his own... so the cry of outrage goes up... CORRUPTION !!!!!!!!
Mmmmh...yes, I see your point... This affair needs to be looked into. But I'm sure Dilemma and Normality will soon solve the problem in a terminal way, otherwise we might really start suspecting them of corruption. If anyone has evidence to backup such allegations, please come forward.
Sgt Normality also known as Dan Credington was found to be corrupt. The following evidence was provided by the computer specialists of the F&I departement of the police force:
Anna Taylor online on yahoo.co.uk:
logon from [184.108.40.206] on Wed, 28 Feb 2001 18:53:27 GMT
Newspage is checked from Dan Credington's computer:
djnc3.emma.cam.ac.uk - - [28/Feb/2001:18:56:05 +0000] "GET /assassins/ HTTP/1.0" 200 1738
djnc3.emma.cam.ac.uk - - [28/Feb/2001:18:56:13 +0000] "GET /assassins/news5.html HTTP/1.0" 200 18083
Querying the DNS shows:
The police officers from Emmanuel redeemed themselves by removing the criminal Anna "Pilchard" Taylor. Dilemma reports:
Earlier today a plan was hatched amongst the police force to use Pilchard
as a bomber against the fugitive from justice, Jamie 'Lloyd' Douglass.
Managing to capture Pilchard, Sgt Normality and myself forced her at gun
point to go and bomb his door. Deciding that it would be only fair for
her to have a weapon, we borrowed a cap gun from a recently deceased
friend. Proceeding to Sidney we were disappointed to find Lloyd once more
absent from his room. We speculated that he was probably in the area,
possibly in a neighbour's room. We returned to Emmanuel, stopping on the
way to pick up pizzas. On the way, I organised with Sgt Normality that I
would give the speech Samuel L. Jackson uttered so well in Pulp Fiction,
the famous Ezekiel 25:17, following the consumption of the pizzas. A
couple of friends also joined us, and were witness to Pilchard squirming
as I began.
Dilemma: There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this
situation: Ezekiel 25:17.
Pilchard: Oh no.
Dilemma: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the
inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.
Pilchard: I can see what's coming.
Dilemma: Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will,
shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his
brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.
Pilchard: Just shoot me now will you.
Dilemma: And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and
furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.
Pilchard: Get it over with.
Dilemma: And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance
We then emptied our guns at the same time on the sitting Pilchard. When
we were finished, the bullet-ridden carcass just sat there for a moment,
then toppled over. All was quiet. Damn, that was a tasty pizza!
And the victim reports as well:
Okay, I have been shafted up the bum good and proper. Dilemma and Normality have betrayed the remaining member of the Emmanuel Mafia.
When leaving my room they threatened to kill me unless I help them kill Jamie Douglass by planting a bomb. I said I wanted to check my email to check my targets, so Normality obliged. Sadly, one of the geek division who has FAR TOO much time on their hands took this to mean there was corruption afoot. They took me at gunpoint to Sidney to set the bomb. Sadly, Douglass was not in. Try again another time, or so they said. We went to get loads of pizzas and then returned to Emma HQ, Dilemma suggesting that I should return my borrowed cap gun to Robert Hiersemenzel. So, unarmed and not dangerous I stuffed myself full of pizza, feeling quite safe that a pact had been made. The scene was set. Ezekiel 25:17 began the rest is history.
It is a good job they got me as the other cops just eat donuts.
Anna "PC Matt U. Carrot" Taylor is now a policeman. Sgt Normality would have been redeemed, however...
Moving to Dan's room to fill in the report, the Assassins website was checked to see if there were any new deaths. "A police officer is now wanted for corruption" it read. "What's this?" asked Dan, clicking on the news page. He was bent over reading the news that he was now wanted for corruption when his head fell to the floor, cleaved with his own light sabre by yours truly, Dilemma, upholder of the peace and general righter of wrongs (treacherous bastard and one man police force to his former friends). After reading the circumstances in which Sgt Normality had been made corrupt I felt great sorrow, as this was a big mistake. I beg that you posthumously remove the taint of corruption from his name. He had carried out his duties admirably, removing the wanted criminal Echo and remaining member of the Emma mafia, Pilchard on only his first day on the beat. A short but distinguished career which I prematurely brought to an end. A funeral will be held in Emmanuel tomorrow to commemorate him with full military honours (no flowers).
So Dilemma dispatches his fellow police officer Normality as well. How righteous of Dilemma, truly in the spirit of Matthew 10:34-38
34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. 35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. 37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.And we'll have to find another promotion for Dilemma.
All of the remaining players have agreed to a duel. There will be a truce starting at 18:00 on Thursday, 1st March (i.e. tomorrow). No killing anymore from then onwards. Time and place will be announced shortly.
Ticket Inspector "Matthew Garotte" has joined the police. It appears that he will be working together with PC Matt U. Carrot. Is there a deeper meaning in their names?!