Assassins' Guild Lent 2001: Days 12 to 21

Monday, 5th February

10:00 — The merry knives of... Muffy

Ruthless copkiller Muffy the Umpire Flayer has slaughtered yet another poor police officer. This morning's lucky recipient was PC Simon "Dilemma" Ford, who was himself trying to kill Muffy at the time:

11:26 — Comedy of errors

The unfortunate Malibu Man has fallen to a patch of Simon "Dial Emma for Murder" Ford's week-old contact poison. Though DeFM may be feeding the worms, his life's work lives on, it seems. This report from the victim's grieving friend Captain Caveman:

11:58 — All's well that ends well

Beakachu's second attempt on Christopher "Uh" Reynish proved successful. In his own words...

This murder was committed in front of many witnesses, some of whom espied the male attacker running off towards Trinity Hall after the kill. All were unable to confirm that Beakachu's glow red. Scrawled in blood on the pavement were these, the victim's last words:

Witnesses contest this tale of events; apparently, the bat wasn't all that cute.

18:04 — Much ado about nothing

The Shadow received a peculiar piece in the post today...

22:00 — Love's labours lost

The criminal Jamie "Lloyd" Douglass's masterful impersonation of a policeman cumulated in the cold-blooded murder of his "fellow officers" Inspector Cookie Monster and Agent Big Yellow Rubber Duck. This pair seem to have been overly, indeed fatally, trusting of late...

Oh dear! Only four police officers are left, two of which are wanted for corruption! There's now only one cop per criminal and the score is currently 20:1 for the 'Cambridge Wanted Allstars'. Things are looking bad for law and order in Cambridge...

23:02 — As you like it

This just in from bh234, who claims to want to cooperate with people. Does anyone believe this is anything other than an evil scheme to murder those who might trust him?

Tuesday, 6th February

This is a reminder that all assassins have until Thursday (8th February) 23:59:59 to make a reasonable attempt on one of their legal targets. Those who have not done so by this deadline will be made wanted for incompetence. Those who have not yet reported one of their attempts, or who are unsure whether they have avoided the wanted list, should email the umpires at once.

07:59 — 'Criminal All Stars' [21] vs [1] 'Police Squad'

The restoration of Chapel Court (Jesus College) to its original 14th century state (viz, a meadow) has begun today with the demolition of the first staircase. In the process, PC Jehova's Witness experienced short term exposure to steep pressure and heat gradients, courtesy of the dangerous terrorist Mat "Muffy the Umpire Flayer" Laycock and his alternative 'Demolition Man' persona. Scientific experiments on the officer's ashes yielded this brief report:

Unfortunately, proceedings were delayed in Library Court, when the wary criminal Commander Sniper defused his personal doorbomb:

08:10 — New local landmark found

Cambridge arose this morning to find a strange new structure that has already come to be known as "The Half House" by the local populace. This striking piece of modern art has already become a huge tourist attraction, despite being situated on the site of corrupt police officer PC Bud White's former abode, and indeed the site of what remains of his current home. The homeowner issued the following statement:

PC Bud White's guess proved correct; the terror organization known as M.U.F.F.Y. has claimed responsibility. On an entirely different note, would a criminal's business with the "third men" really help make it easier to kill him? Catching a boatie would probably entail getting up at 6am or thereabouts.

13:23 — Muffy goes postal

A poisoned letter signed only 'Balu' failed to remove the corrupt police officer Commander Sniper, who has this to say:

In fact, 'Balu' was none other than the hideously wanted criminal Mat "Muffy the Umpire Flayer" Laycock. The letter is reproduced below, without the poison:

16:00 — Maverick has his revenge

Maverick revenged himself on David "Dangerous Dave" Chow, proud murderer of Magdalene accomplices.

Dangerous Dave wasn't overly impressed with his assassins' abilities:

The Magdalene Mafia made the following response:

22:15 — A faithful neighbour helps out

"The Horrible Rock Monster" placed a bomb on "Mrs Faithful's" door. The monster's report follows:

Luckily for Mrs Faithful, a kindly neighbour decided to disarm it:

Note: Innocents may not defuse bombs for players. In this case it was not the assassin's fault seeing as the innocent did it without the consent of the assassin. However try to avoid such occurences.

22:50 — Everyone likes the faithful

Mrs Faithful seems to be a very popular lady — but why would so many chaps be coming to her room?

Wednesday, 7th February

21:15 — The Beak breathes his last

James "Beakachu" Wright slew Ruth "Mexico" Jackson and was in turn slain by "Cyrus". Beakachu begins the tale:

The lady reports:

For Beakachu had made now a fatal mistake...

The demon-slayer reports:

22:00 — Interior redecoration continues in Jesus College

In a fit of social reparation, wanted criminal Jamie "Lloyd" Douglass left a bomb for corrupt police Commander Sniper... but it killed old Sergei "Sham the Puffy Cat Virus" Lewis (A.K.A. NFG) instead. Lloyd reports:

The victim begins the tale of his role in the redecoration Mario's staircase in a tasteful shade of crimson, and the addition of several eye-catching new holes in the wall:

His assistant, the beautiful Lina Inverse, continues the story:

22:30 — Sniper shredded by shrapnel

"Lina Inverse" executed the highly wanted corrupt Police Commander Mario "Sniper" Sainz-Martinez. Following on from the night's previous adventures, "Lina" reports:

This deadly little anti-personnel shrapnel mine was indeed sucessfully reset, and shortly afterwards did for the ex-SWAT-commander "Sniper". More importantly, it resulted in the completion of this phase of the Jesus College Building Works project — successfully embedding numerous shrapnel shards in the walls and ceiling, whilst continuing the traditional pulverised-chunks-of-flesh-and-blood motif:

Thursday, 8th February

07:00 — Offical: there's no mafia in Pembroke

"Delerium" tried his hand at doorbombing; "Slaine" was the intended victim. These delerious doodelings were received shortly afterwards:

But that was not to be. Slaine retells it like it was:

08:00 — Delerium spreads...

"Delerium's" quest continued with the assassination of Nidhi "Greenomonster" Mohnot...

From beyond the grave, Greenomonster delivered these words:

10:00 — The CUSU book of poison

"The Shadow" left a noxious little present for "The Mole":

Alas, for the cautious chap knew it for what it was:

15:48 — Prehistoric poisoning

"Captain Caveman" made a practical application of chemistry in his attempt to kill the "SvenskMoose" and "Greenomonster". The Caveman tells all:

But the Caveman's primitive cunning was no match for the Moose's care:

Indeed, even Greenomonster's ghost refused to fall for these letters:

17:00 — Rabbit Pie

Dangerous Jim went hunting today... and caught an Alan "Deadly Fluffy Wuffy Bunnykins" Harper.

Run rabbit, run rabbit, run, run, run, here comes the farmer with his gun...

17:10 — Chain letters?

"The Mole", himself a recent recipient of malignant mail, attempted to kill "Slaine" with yet more poisoned letters.

The trouble with poisoned letters, is that they very seldom work. You'd think most assassins would have noticed this trend by now, but alas...

17:17 — Carelessness costs lives

"Mrs. Faithful" made Tim "Mr. Cool" Redding pay for his incautiousness.

18:00 — A shot in the back is worth two in the hand

"Archangel" shot his fleeing assassin Chris "Prof." Moriaty in the back:

There's an important lesson here: always watch your back when you know you've left assassins behind...

19:00 — Dial M for Muffy

The rabid butcher of policemen known as Mat "Muffy the Umpire Flayer" Laycock has struck once more. The latest to fall is PC Razor, who reports:

What is the world coming to these days? Only one policeman left in the entire City! The criminal element is in, well, its element - but sources indicate that this might soon change, thanks to a massive new police recuitment drive.

23:30 — Everybody needs good neighbours

"Captain Caveman" gunned down Jenna "Merykare" Spellane and Colin "Despair" Magee in response to their attempt on "Archangel". The intended victim reports:

23:50 — Criminals rejoice! The Police Force is no longer!

The justabitwanted Mat "Muffy the Umpire Flayer" Laycock has murdered the force's last remaining policeman, PC Bud White, and deleted all criminal records. More importantly, Cambridge's recently discovered tourist attraction, "The Half House", has mysteriously vanished; only a pile of rubble remains where it once stood. Investigators are baffled as to what might have happened. This from PC White's overactive spirit:

With the entire constabulary now six feet under, local criminals were able to force entry into Police Headquarters, and indulge in a spot of larcony, arson, and donut consumption. All criminal information records were destroyed in the blaze; "Muffy" and "Lloyd" have removed themselves from the wanted list, and destroyed all trace of their criminality.

Friday, 9th February

12:00 — The new-look Police Force springs into action

Traffic Policeman "Editor" has rid the world of the incompetent Robert "Nobody" Ennals.

This hardworking member of the Transport Police has more than earned his promotion to the hallowed rank of "Speed Camera Repairman."

12:30 — bh234 almost does something

"bh234" crept out, limpet-like, from his hiding place, and tried to assassinate poor Harland Quinn. The following twisted verse was found lurking at the scene:

13:00 — Bubbles' bubble is burst

Traffic Policeman Dilemma gunned down the wanted incompetent Louise Mary "Bubbles" Davies thusly:

Traffic Policeman Dilemma is now "Speed Camera Repairman Dilemma."

13:30 — Pumpernickel Pie

Traffic Policeman Ribena leads the long arm of the law down onto Joseph "Sergeant Pumpernickel" Zuntz.

Traffic Policeman Ribena has been promoted to "Speed Camera Repairman," in recognition of his sterling work.

14:15 — Chark it up to experience

Acting Chief "Incorruptible" assassinated another incompetent, this time the "Chark", Charmaine Coutinho. The acting chief reports:

The victim elaborates:

Acting-Chief Claire Bordenave has been reinstated as Commander-In-Chief of the Cantabulary.

15:30 — The Hunt is off

Speed Camera Repairman "Editor" has dealt with the incompetent Julian "Crispman" Hunt.

The transport policeman then made to find several other wanted criminals, all of whom were already dead. Nethertheless, Editor has now attained the heady rank of "Ticket Inspector."

17:00 — The Principles of Dynamics

"Archangel" demonstrates diffusion and inelastic collisions to Chris "I-will-eat-you" Morton:

17:50 — Gringo's food for dingos

Speed Camera Repairman 'Dilemma' brought the reign of Jon 'Gringo' Reynaga to an end. The valient traffic police officer describes his afternoon as follows:

For his noble deeds, the police officer has been awarded the title "Ticket Inspector."

18:30 — Coldblooded corpse-mutilation

"Iceman" hacked around with the corpse of Jenna "merrykare" Spellane. He reports:

Unfortunately for the man of ice, he wasn't being conned. Merrykane has already snuffed it on Thursday evening.

19:00 — Lucifer falling

Ticket Inspector "Dilemma" and Traffic Policeman "Bud White" together took care of Lucy "Lucifer" McWilliam, and had a go at Etienne "Ich will sterben, Je veux mourir, Quiero morir" Chatenay on the way. Their squad report follows:

Lazy has this to say: After this momentary distraction, the Traffic Police continued their patrol:

Dilemma has been granted that most hallowed of titles, "Traffic Warden." "Bud White" has likewise been promoted to the rank of "Speed Camera Repairman."

Saturday, 10th February

01:20 — The Viper strikes

The deadly "Viper" destroyed the incompetent Navin "John Galt" Dasigi.

The device was sucessful, and Mr. Dasigi suffered his first death of the day.

8:40 — And his vengence was brown

PC Brown Avenger made sure of things by pumping the corpse of Navin "John Galt" Dasigi full of lead:

Alas that this was the case even before the Brown Avenger's efforts.

10:00 — The traffic warden strikes once more

Traffic Warden "Dilemma" clamped down on Eleni "Mata Hari" Gouliou:

11:00 — Jurassic park?

Traffic Warden "Dilemma" went out dinosaur hunting... and found the now extinct Jack "Horny Protoceratops" Rudd.

In recognition of the miserable end he has made of so many lives, this motorist's bane, the steadfast Traffic Warden "Dilemma", has been promoted to the rank of "Traffic Planner."

11:45 — Slaine's slain

"Delirium" carefully assassinated Roy "Slaine" Poulton. The assassin reports:

Slaine had this to say:

17:00 — Newsflash: Poisoned letter fails to kill!

"Echo" tried a poisoned letter on "Lina Inverse", who reports:


"The Welsh Witch", Rachel Sara Borysiewicz, appears to have been anonymously murdered. Police are appealing for witnesses to come forward.

Sunday, 11th February

More than half of the game's players are dead; those who remain alive must make a good attempt on one or more of their targets in the period between 9th February (last Friday) and Saturday 17th February, 23:59, in order to avoid being made wanted for incompetence.

20:00 — Bombs at bedtime

Stu "Harland Quinn" Gill tried to blow up the Shiela and her Dogge Society, but failed, on account of the paranoid vigilance of its other members. In Quinn's own words:

Chief-of-Constabulary "Incorruptible" just happened to be there...

Monday, 12th February

13:00 — Mutually assured destruction

Chris "Viper" Maher foolhardily knifed the incautious Mat "Muffy the Umpire Flayer" Laycock, and was himself gored to death by his intended target. The following is from Viper:

Coroners searching Viper's corpse found forged documents, allowing the hitman to assume the identities of Maverick and Iceman.

Lest we forget, the Magdalene Mafia is not finished yet. The following was received from their offical spokesman, The Ferret's Revenge:

21:00 — Miracle Recovery

The assassin known as Onion Budgie has been discharged from hospital with a clean bill of health. A spokesman described the case as "touch-and-go" from the very beginning, when the Budgie was found splayed out in the bottom of his cage. Forsensic work placed responsibility on a strange substance found upon the door-handle of Budgie's cage, initially thought to be deadly contact poison. After several day's intensive care, however, the Budgie found the energy to preen itself, and soon afterwards Dr. Rolf Harris was able to declare an apparently complete recovery. The origins of the substance remain unknown — but surely no assassin would use a contact poison that would not kill instantly?

22:00 — Stampede!

More tales from bh234:

Tuesday, 13th February

12:00 — Manhatten watching the turnips from below

Baldrick helped usher Paddy "Manhatten" Goodlet along to an entirely new perspective on life:

And so the John's mafia is down by one more...

18:30 — It's a man's life in the Traffic Police

Traffic Planner "Dilemma" executed the incompetent and non-quite-so-masterful assassin Stu "Harland Quinn" Gill. The hardworking planner reports:

The man concerned has this to say:

Dilemma's sterling work has earned him the highest position in the Land that can be held by a Traffic Policeman; all rise for the new Lord Protector of the Parking Space, Defender of the Streets, Warden of the Yellow Lines, and Grand High Issuer of Tickets, by the Grace of God, the most puissant Simon Ford of Dilemma.

20:00 — Ich bin gestorben, Je suis mort, He muerto

"Dream" assassinated the naughty criminal-type Etienne "Ich will sterben, Je veux mourir, Quiero morir" Chatenay:

Delerium concurs:

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