Assassins' Guild Lent 2001: Days 1 to 4

Thursday, 25th January

A strange feeling has settled over this fair city. Doors are barricaded, and portals barred, against something more than the cold Siberian wind that howls through the arched walkways and rattles windowpanes. Those few out in the streets pull their coats tightly around themselves and hurry along, thinking of little bar safety and shelter from the cold, dark night, and the terrible things that stalk within it. Brave men jump at shadows, and seek warmth and protection in the company of friends, but conversation is leaden, a deep-rooted fear suffusing everything. Some make as if to hide from the threat, but inside all know the truth... that there can be no hiding, and no protection, from that which lies everywhere and everywhen.

Yet there are those few who have the wisdom to see that there is perhaps one way to weather the breaking storm, and the strength to set themselves on that path — for though down there lies safety, of a sort, and great glory, each carries the certain knowledge that only one person may follow this path to its true denouement. In order to accomplish his victory, he must put away trust and friendship, and turn against those who would try to stop him, those who desire this same end for themselves. In order to survive, he must embrace the darkness, live in the shadows, prey upon his own predators. He must become that which would hunt him. He must become an assassin. He must become the assassin.

20:00 — The Essex Girl implodes

Recently published reports in the Fortean Times periodical tell the strange story of Jenny "The Essex Girl" Whitten. An eye-witness writes:

Well when the clock struck eight she just sort of like collapsed in on herself in a really like far out way and turned into this wierd thing that might be a black hole because it was black and kind of like a hole only with nothing at the other end except sparkling starry things and then the giant spiders came and aaaaagh get that syringe away from me... <thunk>

Police are treating the case as unsuspicious. Chief Sniper comments:

20:03 — The early bird catches the "Burns"

The daring assassin "Maverick" caught Dan James "Burns" Jane only three minutes into the game. It certainly hasn't been Burns' Night tonight.

A minor necromantic ceremony yielded the following from the deceased:

Burns is now a Robert Peeler.

21:53 — "Ich will nicht sterben. Je ne veux pas mourir. No deseo morir."

An assassination attempt was made on "Ich will sterben, Je veux mourir, Quiero morir" by "Lloyd", but the target failed to live up to his name's promise...

This is how the target explains his failure to die:

23:13 — First Fumigation

"VANGO" tried to gas "SvenskMoose", but failed.

It appears that moose are quite difficult to kill:

22:00 — Evil lurks in the darkness

"Delirium" has even more reasons for being paranoid now:

22:30 — Maverick attacks again!

Next on Maverick's list was the somewhat more paranoid "Beakachu". Says the assassin:

The target reports from the bathroom:

Friday, 26th January

08:00 — Oh no! They killed P. Hickford!

"Trezzer" has done away with Paul "Ribena" Hickford, in whose own blood he this message wrote...

Can we believe everything this assassin writes? Could there really be yet another group of conspirators in John's? Only the future will tell. The deceased has this to say:

Rise again, Ribena, and rise as PC Ribena. This from the leadership of the police force:

08:45 — Student gunned down on way to lectures!

The mysterious "Shadow" attacked "Tom Chacko" with perfect timing.

The umpires advise against leaving your door open when unarmed. Speaks the victim:

Tom has joined the Police Force.

11:59 — Further Confusion

This rather cryptic report came in from "bh234":

12:30 — Spectacular Double Kill

Stewart "Pikachu" Becker and his assassin Alex "Highlander" Wood took each other out.

And here is the tale of the Highlander:

Despite a rapid hospitalisation, this hit on the torso proved fatal. However "Pikachu" had forgotten to behead his opponent and so the "Highlander" comes back to life as PC Bud White.

14:00 — Suspicious activity

"VANGO" failed in yet another bid to remove "SvenskMoose".

The body of the target has gone, by dint of having walked away alive:

With reference to the afore-mentioned 'non-existant Pembroke Mafia', the Police Force have issued the following statement:

16:15 — The Watchtowers of John's fail to protect Sanjay Joshi

Jehova's Witness infiltrated John's and removed Sanjay Joshi:

But such criminal might win you an exclusive, once-in-a-lifetime experience on the Chair of Remorse.

17:00 — The shadows of darkness befall yet another player

"Shadow" skillfully dispatched his assassin Johannes "The Editor" Nordström.

Johannes has joined the police and Shadow is doing very well indeed:

The Umpires suspect that Johnian players might feel offended by this statement, and that that might not be good for Shadow's life expectancy...

17:30 — Big Don feels threatened and rightly so

Today "Big Don" was visited by the versatile "Maverick". He reports:

(Doing this would not seem advisable. You might end up on the wanted list.)

Surely there can't be this many mafias. Or maybe there are... Ask the police, and you'll be told that you shouldn't leave your room anymore at all:

"Maverick" seems to be a mafia by himself, active as he is...

18:00 — Why it can be dangerous to leave your door open

"Delerium" sets about giving Bunyip's room a good 'pasting.

Alas, poor Delerium, for "Bunyip" seems to have survived... so far...

22:30 — The Evil Forces of International Communism are at large!

"Jasper McKintley" delivered a slightly deranged death threat:

Players: please note that such a note does not count as an attempt on your target. unless you at least contact-poison the note.

Saturday, the 27th January

01:00 — The Duracell Bunny goes on and on...

"Slaine" tried to blow up "The Deadly Fluffy Wuffy Bunnykins".

It wasn't entirely sucessful...

Luckily for the Bunny, the detonator wasn't attached to the explosives at this point, and so he lost only a paw. Rolf's Animal Rescue shelter were able to carry out an emergency limb transplant (having found an abandonned teddy bear paw pickled in a jar marked with the mysterious runes "bANDit") and so the Bunnykins survives.

09:00 — Blackmail!

The cunning "Pilchard" has spun a deadly scheme. The fishy one reports:

10:29 — The perils of pigeonholing

Simon "Dial Emma For Murder" Ford tried to mailbomb "The Ferret's Revenge":

Unfortunately, the wouldbe unabomber failed to check whether the pigeonholes were labelled on their upper or their lower side, and so deposited the device in the wrong place... where an innocent found it. Luckily, the College Porters were able to clean up the mess and return what remained of the bomb to its correct place... but alas, it was too late for the now wanted Simon Ford. Maverick and The Ferret's Revenge provided this press release:

11:18 — Da Threat Gangsta Rap

Chief Sniper sends the following warning to his homeboys:

13:39 — The Stink of Death lies over Trinity College

"The Purple Lady" sucessfully knifed Matthew "The Brown Avenger" Bennett in his sleep.

Extract from 'Stab' by Mortician:

Extract from the personal log of "The Brown Avenger":

14:00 — More from the Magdalene Mafia?

Having heavily armed themselves, they departed for a day's hunting. The first kill went to Maverick, who swiftly desposed of Duncan "Big Don" Shaw. In his own words:

Writes the victim:

The other half of the Mafia, "The Ferret's Revenge", then succeeded in executing David "Mr Majyka" Pickavance:

This from the Master of Corpus Christi College:

14:20 — Jehovah's Witness trys to bring his targets closer to God

"Jehovah's Witness" had a go at poisoning "Manhatten" and "Dial Emma For Murder":

Both attempts failed. "Manhatten" has sent this telegram:

15:01 — The Valkyrie rides on

"The Dark Side" failed in his bid to assassinate "Valkyrie".

A report did arrive, but The Dark Side doesn't have much for which it's worth claiming credit:

16:30 — Trezzer strikes again

Ian "Fire-Eagle" Dunlop is suffering from a terminal absence of life, having been stabbed by Trezzer.

Ian Dunlop has joined the Police Force.

14:00 — Gang warefare

The Red Squad, apparently of the Johnian mafia, attacked Rhombo en masse and almost died for it.

Unfortunately, air-currents and molecular diffusion dispersed the poison to a concentration below a noticable level. Red Squad, who made their shaky way back home. They have this to say of their activities:

The Umpires wish to make the following points: Firstly, poison gas is not particularly suitable for use outdoors or in unconfined environments. Secondly, retreating assassins (or group thereof) might like to consider looking behind themselves occassionally, as pursuit is not unheard of.

15:00 — Skillfull Defense

Today Dangerous Dave was attacked by his assassin Dr Evil, but instead of him it was the assassin, who died.

19:00 — Sheepy Tim got a good kebab'ing

The second to be snared in Pilchard's compaign of blackmail, Frances "Purple Lady" Robinson struck in front of 300 people to murder John "Sheepy Tim" Wyllie and retrieve the antidote to the deadly delayed poison infusing her body. She tells first of her entrapment:

Making good on her words, the Lady carried out her instructions, and saved her own life... but at what cost?

There must be justice. The "Purple lady" has avoided death... but only through stealing the life of some other, one whom it was not given to her to kill. The Frances "Purple lady" Robinson is therefore wanted for murder.

19:56 — Someone dials Emma for Murder

Wanted criminal Simon "Dial Emma For Murder" Ford has embarked on a scheme to totally annihilate the Police Force. Simon reports:

Soon after, Simon struck again...

Next up was another policeman:

A recent press release by Chief Sniper reads:

22:00 — Darkness over Pembroke

The Dark Side eliminated Freija "The Valkyrie" Glansdorp.

The Valkyrie is now on the Police Force

21:15 — Treachery!

"The Unusual Suspect" and friends managed to kill Edward "Delerium" Wallace. First on the agenda was a visit to "Dangerous Jim":

Extremely wanted criminal Simon Ford had this to say about the affair:

The victim elaborates somewhat:

23:00 — Further violence

The wanted criminal Dial Emma for Murder and cronies went on to try to kill his assassin Jehova's Witness.

The target has this to say:

23:10 — More fun at Harvey Court

"LLoyd" has an adventurous evening trying to assassinate "Echo".

The target reports:

Sunday, 28th January

09:00 — Criminal escapes SWAT team

A valiant SWAT team lead by Chief Sniper himself stormed Dial Emma for murder's staircase.

Looks like Chief Sniper doesn't take his own advice about staying away from Emma very seriously - but then, he wasn't alone and his SWAT team was well armed. Nethertheless, there would seem to be a security leak in the police force, or so the target's report suggests:

12:00 — Public questions efficiency of police force

After Simon "Dial Emma for murder" Ford's recent murder of PC Valkyrie, polls show that only 7% of Cambridge's assassins believe that it is safe to leave their doors open. The killer notes:

How could this happen?

13:00 — Cunning as a weasel

The first recipient of mail from The Unusual Suspect was Teleute. According to the sender:

No one could predict the elusive cunning of Teleute, however, who neatly eliminated Michael "Bunyip" Cox without becoming a criminal.

The Umpire would request that anyone wishing to send such a poisoned letter consult with them beforehand.

13:10 — Street Chase

After an exciting pursuit through the streets of Cambridge, Dangerous Dave killed his assassins' accomplice.

The unlucky Dave happened to shoot the accomplice; his assassins' escaped, rather shaken, but without injury. The dead man's last words were:

The assassins who fled have this to say:

14:10 — You simply can't trust anyone

Dangerous Dave backstabbed Jon "J" Ma

I'm sure that at least 3 people are doing so... The amount of violence this weekend has cheered up certain other people, as well:

16:00 — The fish strikes again

Nicholas "Mr Potato Head" Owen has finally succumbed to Pilchard's poisoned blackmail.

Nicholas Owen has joined the Police Force.

16:30 — More from Magdalene

"The Ferret's Revenge" assassinated Henry "The Dark Side" Lockwood.

18:00 — Let them eat cake

"Trezzer" accomplished an outstanding assassination of Angela "Agent Big Yellow Rubber Duck" Rayner and the Master Assassin Alex "Cookie Monster" Churchill thusly:

The Cookie Monster just couldn't resist the cookies:

Miss Rubber Duck has this to say:

19:51 — Don't mail Emma for Murder

An attempt at blackmail by Dial Emma for Murder was unsuccessful, for The Horrible Rock Monster was on its guard:

20:25 — Disaster for the Kilted One

David "Jasper McKintley" Knipe snuffed it whilst trying to kill Dr X. The doctor reached this diagnosis:

The attacker concurs:

21:00 — Yet another reason not to open your door

"Shadow" assassinated Ben "Mighty Upsetter" Jarman. The man of the night sent in this report:

22:00 — Two more PCs fall to DEfM

Wanted criminal Dial Emma for Murder continues to prey on the police force. Next to die was PC Paul "Ribena" Hickford. Says the notorious one:

Oh, no! They've killed Paul again! The victim reports his valiant, but vain, fight:

Second to fall to Simon Ford was PC "Dark Side", who wasn't convincing enough to talk himself out of his situation:

Chief Sniper's frustration is evidently growing and all he has to say about this matter is:

23:00 — Rhymes and Crimes

Someone attempted to kill Harland Quinn (M.A.):

23:45 — Dodged this

Jehova's Witness and Manhatten avoided the other's shots in true matrix style. Well, actually, they were both out of range. The attacker says:

The defender reports thusly:

Cap guns are deadly only at point blank range (less than 1m), but these assassins were clearly further apart when they fired at each other, hence no casualties. Remember, kids, killing with a cap gun demands a clear shot at less than one metre range.

[ index | pre-game | days 1 to 4 | days 5 to 11 | days 12 to 21 | days 22 to 32 | day 33 and later | The Duel ]