Game News

The game is now underway! Enjoy, all... - Umpire.

Pork Chop Zingara (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed (Matt Laycock) at 00:10:00 on Thursday
Pork Chop Zingara reports:
He mocked our gaffer tape, he said he could untie himself in less then 10 min and if he couldn't we would be allowed to shoot him, so he got taped up and given 10 min after the game started free himself.

We tossed, who would be allowed to kill him and when I returned after that time, he was still there struggeling in vain.
First I cut him into bits with my chainsaw, then he was stabbed and shot and finally several CPS and buckets emptied on him.
At 11:15 I decided I'd pop round to see Ed and Bjoern before things got hostile. Chatting with them, I made an offhand comment that gaffer tape wasn't strong enough to hold me. A few minutes later I found myself tied very securely to a chair with 70m of gaffer tape, 2 belts, 2 straps, a ball of string and my own shoelaces, with a woolen hat over my head. They then dragged me into an abandoned room and gave me 10 minutes to escape whilst they tossed a coin to decide who got to shoot me first. I was confident that the answer would be neither as I reached for my concealed blade.... Argh! Fingers stuck to gaffer tape! Can't reach it!
Next plan: Laser in wrist watch? Gummed up with gaffer tape.
Backup plan: Call for help on my mobile? Tied to my pocket with gaffer tape. Oh dear. This does not look good.

So I went for old fashioned brute force. Unfortunately after 10 minutes I'd only managed to burst one of my bonds, so Bjoern shot me through the chest.

To add insult to injury my helpless corpse was then dragged outside
and subjected to a thorough soaking by the contents of three CPS's. And a bucket. The gits.

Final score: Me 0 - Gaffer tape 1
Good to see the game off to such a... wet... start.
And Matt Laycock gets the Lemming Award! Which feels somehow appropriate for the winner of Michaelmas' game... :-)
- Umpire.
Yuri Suhov (Ed Nokes) reports:
Well, in a little reunion of the certainly-not-the-Cornflake-Mafia,
myself, and Pork Chop Zingara found ourselves together for an hour before the commencement of hostilities. Talk turned to Gaffer Tape (as talk often will) and made a rather foolish bet:

"If you fix me to the chair with that tape, I'll easily be able to escape. If I haven't escaped ten minutes after the game starts, you can shoot me..."

Inevitably, we took him up on his offer; he was tied to a chair with 70 metres of Gaffer Tape, assorted belts and straps, several bits of string, and his own shoe laces. We two manhandled (now inseperable from his chair) out into an empty and abandonned room, tied a mask over his head, and gave him his ten minutes.

As the countdown counted down, struggled and stuggled, all to no avail - at ten past midnight, he had succeeded in breaking only the weakest of his bonds. The Pork Chop and I had previously tossed a coin, in order to decide which of us would be executioner in the unlikely event of him not escaping. As the winner, Zingara revved up his chainsaw, and promptly severed 's bonds (and arteries, muscle tissues, skeleton, etc) in a brutal and messy manner...


...presumeably not the manner of release hoped for by the victim.

Then we moved the victim's remains out onto the balcony, for a good raking with multiple CPS-grade machine guns. The remnants of the remains were escorted to Grafton Water, and uncerimoniously dumped.
That should stop him from resurrecting.

First kill to Caius, methinks!

DoubleCrossingTreacherousSwine (Tim Pike) killed Unicorn (Kathy Brazier) at 09:38:00 on Thursday
DoubleCrossingTreacherousSwine reports:
Having had an early night so as to be fresh for killing today (that and I was tired - cue sympathy). Got up to an extreme feeling of bloodlust. Found weapon. Loaded weapon. Considered options. Needed to use bathroom. It was occupied. Knocked. Door was opened.

Just shot Kathy in her nightdress. Suppose that'll be the last time she lets me borrow it then!
Unicorn reports:
You would have thought, wouldn't you, that living with someone who you had happened to feed alcohol to last night, and was a housemate, would happen to leave you vaguely safe. You would certainly have thought that when someone knocks on the bathroom door when you're about to have a shower, asking "Can I have a go?", then there's absolutely no threat.


And then, just when my ghost was attempting to take a shower, Mr Tim DoubleCrossingTreacherousSwine Pike decided to reload his weapon from the kitchen tap, making the water go HotColdHotCold.....

Pork Chop Zingara (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Slakko (Duncan Richer) at 11:05:09 on Thursday
Pork Chop Zingara reports:
I went to Slakko's office, but it was locked, I was disappointed.
Walking down the stairs I suddenly spotted him in front of the building walking towards Queens. Running after him, I caught up:
"Richer, Duncan Richer ?"
He turn around, fear in his eyes:
"Ahhhmm, no, I am..."

Ghost Stalker (David Hammond) tried to kill Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 11:30:00 on Thursday
Ghost Stalker reports:
Well, I wandered round to the house of master Gill (and yes, I did go
to the right staircase this time), but he adamantly refused to be in.
In fact, he was still resolutely out after two hours, which I thought
was most unsporting of him. Anyway, the Uncle appeared (and I *just*
resisted the temptation to blow his head off), we chatted for a while,
I left a note marking my presence on Mr. Quinn's door, and then
ambled back to Sidney to find...


... absolutely no one waiting for me. Pretty disappointing, really,
given the number of people who were *supposed* to be killing me in
the first five minutes of the game.

Your patiently, but boredly,

Ghost Stalker

Ha-Lan Kwin of the Chinese Triad (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Emissary from the Vatican (Daniel Seymour) at 13:10:38 on Thursday
Ha-Lan Kwin of the Chinese Triad reports:
In wide, wide rings,
I walked round Kings'.
I met the deathmaster
and I drew faster.

Outside the plodge,
he tried to dodge,
he moved to the side,
but nowhere to hide.

I gunned him down,
under tourist frown,
blood was shed
and he is dead.
Emissary from the Vatican reports:
Ahah! Ah hah hah hah!

1st day of the blooodbath, and I go in search of victims.

But alas, they are not in. So I go from Harvey court to a certain staircase in Fitz. Or try to. Upon reaching the gate of King's, Bjoern appears, brandishing demonstrably inferior weaponry. However before I could demonstrate the superiority of my weaponry he blows me into chunky little kibbles. Hmmm. Maaybe a slightly smaller gun might make it morre accessable. Still, I'll go round later on tonight (ie as soon as I re-spawn) and show him just how good my gun is.

The Cross-dressed Cardinal (Claire Bordenave) killed Antoine (Antoine Boulart) at 13:45:26 on Thursday
The Cross-dressed Cardinal reports:
A non-player reports:

This is the Cross-dressed Cardinal speaking :

Aware of certain practices within the Guild, i've taken over this computer account, binding and gagging the habitual user with my frankinsense burner and a spare mitre. Isn't that right?


guess so :)

The Vatican Mafia doesn't tolerate the religious views voiced in the Cambridge Student.

Just after lunch, as we were innocently wandering round the Catzedral,
we spotted Antoine reading the above-mentioned satanical rag...


Inquisition Post-Mortem

Large hole where the lungs used to be. Looked like a dissapointingly quick method.


Ghost Stalker (David Hammond) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 14:30:00 on Thursday
Ghost Stalker reports:
Well, I was having a belated lunch in the garden with several of my
friends, when one of them asked to see my gun. After establishing
exactly *which* gun he meant, I duly offered it unto him, me being
the fine purveyor of death dealing weaponry that I am.

However, he was not content with just holding it, and chose to unload
it into the nearest target. Which happened to be my bum (I was
pouring lemonade at the time). Whilst some may find this vastly
amusing, I didn't, so hence I perforated his chest with several
throwing knives.

Ghost Stalker (David Hammond) tried to kill Christopher Robin (Matthew Wakeling) at 15:00:00 on Thursday
Ghost Stalker reports:
Well pooh.

It's just not been my day, is it.

I wandered over to St. Marys (or was it Michaels? or possibly both?!)
Court in Caius, to do battle with The Evil Test Player Puppetteer,
and effected a greatly cunning entrance to his staircase via the
front door.

I stalked up to his door, taking great time and care so that no one
would notice me (other than three of his neighbours, someone who,
came through the front door, and the guy who came up the stairs
carrying laundry). I knocked most loudly, and bade him to emerge and
do battle. Curiously enough, however, he was uneager to accept the
challenge, due in part to the fact that he wasn't in.

In fact, not only was he not in, but he managed to beat Master Gill's
record by a factor of two, and not be in for /four/ hours!


I could have killed him twice in that time, had he had the decency to
visit his own room once in a while. As it is, I vented my anger in
rubber band form at his fridge (well, you'd be pissed off with a
fridge which had hummed arrogantly at you for the past four hours),
before collecting the valuable (and curiously recyclable) ammunition,
and heading off home.

And would somebody *please* try to kill me - there's been a pathetic
lack of two-way gunfire on my staircase of late, and it's feeling
quite dejected.

Yours impatiently,

The artist-not-formerly-known-as-""

Pierre-Luigi Pizzafunghi di Tortellini (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Seb the psychotic spaghetti mould (Sebastian Bleasdale) at 17:05:10 on Thursday
Pierre-Luigi Pizzafunghi di Tortellini reports:
Cunning agent Lactophob spotted the spaghetti mould at the Archimedeans garden party.
Taking position outside I waited for Seb to leave, but he kept on playing Croquet, so I had to wait until the party's end.
At 17:00 it was over, so I casually walked in, sneaked up behind him and put 12 nice holes into him.

The Cross-dressed Cardinal (Claire Bordenave) killed Emissary from the Vatican (Daniel Seymour) at 18:45:17 on Thursday
The Cross-dressed Cardinal reports:
Oh no! More Vatican politics...

Fearing our Emissary to be a potential rival for the Papacy, i decided it was time to take some preventive action. In other words, i went to Jesus's Chapelcourt in the pious robes of a nun. After all, the real Inquisition must be re-established.

He was walking to the Basilica but saw me and retreated to his hermitage with a wide run round behind. He then started to brandish Satan's Own Flamethrower - most unholy - as i ran into his cloisters, leaving the Cardinal's Informer to survey the staircase. She has to say:
A non-player reports:
The Emissary advanced stealthily down the stairs. A huge tounge of fire burnt through the side-door into the basement. A narrow beam of Uzzi fire returned parallel to it, narrowly missing the grinning Emissary, who then cut off the basement. Surely the Cross-dressed Cardinal had no chance down there? Um, except that now she was behind me, minus a Gatling gun and a sharpened crucifix...
The Cross-dressed Cardinal reports:
Once in the cloisters, i realised that my position was anything but
comfortable. But, i then discovered that Jesus Basements were... interesting. I thus re-entered his cloisters via the frontdoor,
nevertheless compelled to abandon some equipment... i then realised the emissary had left his cell open. He may have my guns but i have his ROOM *grin*

His cell was "no Satanical Flamethrowers", so he emptied my
Gatling gun into his room, fortunately missing. I didn't

*pats Luger*

Now the route to the Papacy is open... *megalomaniacgrin*
Emissary from the Vatican reports:
Recovering from my earlier demise, I have things to do. Not the assassins game, more like dinner. So off to cafe I go. But who is this? Walking down the path towards me is Pope innocent XV! Taking a quick detour I aim to avoid conflict, but she pursues me, toting an insultingly small gun. Fleeing in a fit of enhanced self preservation instinct, I evade her long enough to come upon her from behind, but alas! She is warned by her acomplice! So I scarper to my room to upgrade my own laughable weapon fit. emerging from my room I am gratified by a shout of "Jesus! Get down!!!" Nice gun, huh?

Claire flees to the basement and after some nore manouvering I realise that the cunning minx has gone into my (carelessly unlocked)room. Stealing her gun (I can't shoot into my own room) which was cast aside, I open fire through the window, but superior fireing positions ensure that my demise is inevitable... And so, soon I die. Ho hum.....

Next time, Claire, next time.

The Cross-dressed Cardinal (Claire Bordenave) killed Der Krieghund (Daniel Pope) at 19:00:17 on Thursday
The Cross-dressed Cardinal reports:
I then stormed the Pope's Piazza di Porco Azzuri summer retreat.
I regret to inform you that Pope Daniel is no longer with us. Except for his sillouhette, done in Gatling-gun bullets that is.

I now proclaim myself Pope Innocent XV *BWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH*

My first Bull is:

"Urbi et orbi, Protestantibus will BUUUUUURRRRRRRRNI"

Yuri Suhov (Ed Nokes) killed Axolotl (Naomi Foster) at 19:05:00 on Thursday
Yuri Suhov reports:
I optimised my way to Newnham, in order to solve the Dual Problem of Axolotl and the Cross-dressing Cardinal. Cunning use of Linear Programming led me to the Salamder's lair, whereupon a Simplex solution presented itself: The Newt - spotted entering the hallway by our Survalance Network (TM) - was reduced to an Infeasible Basic Set by application of a rubber-band gun. Unfortunately, a Saddle-point was encountered in the search for the Cardinal, so I returned home.
Axolotl reports:
I was alone, unarmed and unsuspecting. I opened a door and had no time to dodge or shut it before I got shot. At least the death was relatively pain free!

(Matt Laycock) killed Yuri Suhov (Ed Nokes) at 19:44:00 on Thursday
Yuri Suhov reports:
Whoops. Damn that Laycock fellow, damn him and his very eyes.

He crept into the computer room just as I finished writing up my last kill, and brutally shot me and the adjacently situated Pierre-Luigi-What'sisnamenow. My band-gun jammed as I tried to retaliate, but I was too slow anyway.

Having reccied the area I determined that the probable location of the evil mastermind Yuri Suhov was the computer room. Trying the windows proved fruitless so I settled for the "charge in and shoot anything that moves method".
This worked.
Yuri was fast in realising the danger - but he was *not* faster than a speeding bullet. Or 6. Muhahaha. Revenge is sweet!

(Matt Laycock) killed Pierre-Luigi Pizzafunghi di Tortellini (Bjoern Holzhauer) at 19:44:01 on Thursday
Pierre-Luigi Pizzafunghi di Tortellini reports:
Sitting in the computer room next to Yuri Suhov, I was happily browsing the assassins-webpage, when suddenly the door burst open.
At once I reached for my gun, whilst gunfire from a semi-automatic started ripping Yuri apart in his seat.
Bleeding from about half a dozen wounds in his chest he sank to the ground, already was diving around the corner I was sitting behind opening fire without seeing me.
By the time he could, I had started firing as well and we emptied our magazines at each other from 1m apart, but alas he hit first and put about half a dozen shots into me.

be warned: I just bought some new gaffer tape.
Sitting next to Yuri was Pierre the Mafiosi. He'd have got me but for the unfortunate tangling of his gun in his shirt. Awwwww......
5 bullets at point blank range sorted that problem out.

Unicorn (Kathy Brazier) killed DoubleCrossingTreacherousSwine (Tim Pike) at 22:33:09 on Thursday
DoubleCrossingTreacherousSwine reports:
Reading news. Heard giggle. Saw red light coming towards me. Two bits of me. Am news.
Unicorn reports:
Revenge for this morning. Having wined and dined Tim, I then cut him in half with a lightsabre. Well, it's only fair, isn't it? After all, it keeps losing to the light side (actually, it just falls apart...), so I needed a target that worked...

Oh yes, and has no-one asked what Tim was doing in my nightdress this morning?

Laycock Must Die! (Ed Nokes) killed Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 23:54:02 on Thursday
Harland Quinn reports:
As I sat on the floor of my room by the door,
Where you'll find me for most of the night.
Along cam LMD, with a gleam in his eye,
He saw me, and shot me on sight.

I must say that is was quite professionably done,
With a swift shot all clothed in his best,
As I'm sure you'll all know, it is a great insult,
To be inhumed by someone ill dressed.

Ach! It's late, I must get some sleep,
With the fishes it seems for tonight,
I'll be around to get you, LMD soon enough,
And then you will get a fright.

Oh and while I'm here, it seems hard to resist,
The temptation to blatantly plug,
The CULES May week show, "Wind in the Willows",
In which you'll find my beautiful mug.

Love and huggles and motor cars,

Laycock Must Die! reports:
Beautifully said, Mr. Quinn. Truely, the things that distinguish us from mere murderers (or terrorists) are our care and attention to the smallest of things, our sense of honour, our respectibility... for we assassins surely are gentlemen above all.

A wand of *slay* Laycock (36 charges) (Bjoern Holzhauer) reports:
Just after resurrection we went over to Braeside, to Stu's room to be more precise, which was open - so Ed shot him with the 40 in one hand and the rbg in the other.

Laycock Must Die! (Ed Nokes) failed to do a legal kill of an innocent at 23:59:59 on Thursday
Laycock Must Die! reports:
Unfortunately, I failed to kill a non-player bearing weapons. Not only did the non-player fail to ask to see my gun (how could I have refused such a request, being the fine purveyor of death dealing weaponry that I am?) but he conspicuously did not discharge the thing into my posterior region.

Why? Because this non-player was completely ficticious. Such a non-player is very rare, commonly found only in and around Sidney Sussex. It muct be a very lonely place, but if any Sidneypersons wish for a little bit of fun, why don't they come to Harvey Court, eh?

Come on Dave, we're waiting. :-)

A wand of *slay* Laycock (36 charges) (Bjoern Holzhauer) tried to kill Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) at 00:30:22 on Friday
A wand of *slay* Laycock (36 charges) reports:
We finally found someone that was in and it took him suspiciously long to open the door....
When he finally did a hail of rubber-bands and water rained against his door, he returned fire with his gun, but to no avail.
Hence we started lingering around exchanged some fire through his window and in the corridor, but neither side could manage to kill anyone.

A wand of *slay* Laycock (36 charges) (Bjoern Holzhauer) tried to kill Seth (James Green) at 00:50:13 on Friday
A wand of *slay* Laycock (36 charges) reports:
When we decided to retreat from Aizen's room, I suddenly spotted someone that looked quite like James Green, but I wasn't sure whether it was him. So I drew and he gave chase.
In the meantime two players had come out of f-staircase with a 1500 with backpack and a 40 - being advised as always:) by Jon Sharp.
James ran round to them and got out his 70 and a long stand-off evolved.

Laycock Must Die! (Ed Nokes) killed Seth (James Green) at 01:40:42 on Friday
Seth reports:
Oh bummer.
Late night, came out of JCR and a bjoern like figure starts
to get a gun out of his bag, I start running, no one follows,
a good sign. Not sure what to do wander round and stumble in
on a CPS fight, so I leave and sneak back to my room get my gun
and go to kill someone, alas can't find them so I hang around
to see if they appear and they do (they being Bjoern and Ed)
try to sneak up behind them and I succeed, unfortunately my gun
is pants and I fail to kill either but I do get blasted. Oh well
lasted more than 24hrs, new experience.
Seth Lord of E?
Pope Innocent XV (Claire Bordenave) reports:
Hmmmm.... So it wasn't you desecrating the Newnham Nunnery - or at least the bathrooms wherein - well past the closing time and with a huge CPS weapon... Whoever you are, please be sensible as Newnham Nuns might well report you to the porters.
A wand of *slay* Laycock (36 charges) (Bjoern Holzhauer) reports:
After a tactical retreat, we decided to defend an archway opposite F staircase, where they were.
Suddenly Seth seemed to have disappeared from there.
This made as somewhat suspicious that he might be trying to sneak up on us from behind, which is what he did, but Ed shot him, as soon as he entered.

A wand of *slay* Laycock (36 charges) (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Antoine (Antoine Boulart) at 11:28:16 on Friday
A wand of *slay* Laycock (36 charges) reports:
This morning I found a room with nice music coming from inside, I couldn't resist entering and shot the inhabitant.

A wand of *slay* Laycock (36 charges) (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Sophy (Sophy Fuchs) at 11:34:37 on Friday
A wand of *slay* Laycock (36 charges) reports:
I was impolite and opened Sophy's door without knocking.
She was asleep and for a moment I wondered whether I should wake her, but finally I decided to knife her with a carotte.
Sorry for disturbing your sleep, Sophy.

A wand of *slay* Laycock (36 charges) (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Zachary Smith (Steven Cooper) at 13:00:25 on Friday
A wand of *slay* Laycock (36 charges) reports:
I visited the rehearsal for "My girl and me" (great music, you should really go and see it), hopefully the choir can do with one member less...
I had been waiting Zachery Smith for nearly 40 minutes, when finally the rehearsal finished.
I spotted him in the entrance area in a crowd of people and walked up to him.
His friends were surprised to see he dropping to the floor - dead.
Maybe it had something to do with the 2 shots from a silenced Walther PPK that they hadn't heard...
Zachary Smith reports:
Oh, the trials of life (and death)...
Just as I was coming out of a rehearsal for my college musical (ME AND MY GIRL, Monday 3:00pm West Road Concert Hall, 3.50) I was greeted by Mr Holzhauer. "Hello Steven" he said. I did wonder why he was there, but I was so taken by his charm that it didn't occur to me that he was actually about to kill me. But alas, kill me he did.
I suppose I really should have known better.
But no doubt vengeance will be forthcoming, in the guise of the Toxteth Mafia.....

Sir ComeAndGetMe the Fourth (David Hammond) tried to kill Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 14:01:14 on Friday
Harland Quinn reports:
Not sure what time this failed to happen,
Though it was much as described before.
Sir Robin came to my abode as Thurday,
To find me in, no more.

Despite finally finding where I live,
He still fails to find me in,
I suggest you make an appointment Brave sir,
If you intend to kill me and win.

Love, Huggles and Blatant plugs for Wind in the Willows; Tues 3pm, Weds 2pm, Thursday 4pm Cripps Court Selwyn.

Sir ComeAndGetMe the Fourth reports:
Ah yes - well, after gassing the unfortuate Fireman and Friend, I dropped
in on Stu again.

Taking the approach-du-jour (the unsubtle one), I charged up the stairs
and banged on the door, and again was greeted by silence. I heard voices
in Ed's room, however, so I leapt into there to find Ed and Stu.

Only this wasn't Stu, it was *Stu* - that is to say a person of the same
name but completely different looks (either that or Stu (that's Stu not
*Stu*) wearing a particularly effective disguise). Ed advised me to
make an appointment, which sounded like an interesting idea, but I
gracefully declined out of paranoia's sake. Not that it really matters
now, of course.

Sir ComeAndGetMe the Fourth (David Hammond) killed The Fireman (Joel Cartwright) at 14:30:00 on Friday
The Fireman reports:
A lowly kill by gasing my corridor.
Sir ComeAndGetMe the Fourth reports:
First, apologies if this was actually Aizen, but I couldn't remember
whether I killed the resident of F11 or F12 (I'm resonably sure it
was 11 - I'm sure the deceased can verify their identity!

Anyway, I wombled off down to Fitz today, with the rather dubious
intention of reducing its numbers. I ambled off into the lower F
toilet, and selected my blowpipe, gas, gas mask, stones, lugar and
dragoon for my weapons of annhilation, but then realised that I
only actually possessed two hands, so I pocketed everything except
the lugar and dragoon.

I then approached F12 (or was it 11?) and knocked, but got no response,
so I moved onto 11 (or, indeed, 12), and this time there was movement
within. I responded to the classic call of "who is it" with the even
more classic (and extremely subtle) "come out and fight!", before
retiring to a suitable defensive position.

Not much happened for a while.

Then Joel came out and stuck his head round the corner, nearly losing
it .2 of a second later to a shot from the lugar. He retreated. He
then came out toting a CPS, which grossly outclassed my lugar -
however I pointed out the rules about notice boards and water weapons,
so he put it away. He made more ominous noises from his room to
suggest preparation of something nasty, so I donned my gas mask and
made the area outside his door smell ... um ... "fragant".

He came out, and went back again.

I retreated to the far end of the corridor (ie out of gas range) and
removed my gasmask to make preparations to perform a long range kill.
I was about to charge up the railgun, when he came out again - I
promptly shot at him with the blowpipe which happened to be in my
hands (and indeed, mouth) at the time. However, he told me that he
had already succumbed to the gas.


Sir ComeAndGetMe the Fourth (David Hammond) mashed a non-player at 14:30:00 on Friday
The Fireman (Joel Cartwright) reports:
The poor defenceless boy choked to death on the gas intended for me.
Sir ComeAndGetMe the Fourth reports:
... there happened to be a non-player in his room, into which the gas
had weaved its insidious way. Ack. Well, I didn't know he was there,
and I did go for the corridor with the gas, not the room, so this was
hardly intentional, but there you have it.

1 down , 9 to go...

Maud Adams (Claire Bordenave) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 15:03:26 on Friday
Maud Adams reports:
Killed armed by-stander.

Withnail (Serge Lewis) mashed a non-player at 17:19:09 on Friday
Withnail reports:
After a 15-minute doomed stakeout of the 6 Adams Road fortress, the Lord Nhudri, a companion of the Emissary from the Vatican was killed under the alert eyes of the Umpire and several witnesses by Withnail's drunken volley while trying to alert his friend and master.
Ah, what fun it is living in the same house as active assassins... The joyous cries of "There's Assassins outside the front door!"... The amusement at chatting through a window to said Assassins, remaining staunchly impartial, informing neither side as to the movements of the other, just sitting back and giggling... The attempts not to laugh at friends killing "innocents" (although Lord Nhudri is almost as non-"innocent" as they come, he wasn't bearing weapons, so the term fits for game purposes at least)... Yes, you know, I could get used to this >:-) - Umpire.

Withnail (Serge Lewis) killed Emissary from the Vatican (Daniel Seymour) at 17:33:31 on Friday
Emissary from the Vatican reports:
Roit then! Awaking this morning, avec une petite hang over, I decide to go killing. Harvey court was deserted except for Laycock, but he wouldn't come out to play....

A brief tour of Cambridge led us to Adams road, but they wouldn't let us in. Unlike last term I did have a big gun, so we exchanged fire through windows. My acomplice died early under the volley of fire, but he was an innocent (not even bearing arms) so no credit gained. Keen to avenge him I circle the house. However lady luck was not with me and soon I followed my friend down the path to oblivion.

Next time, next time! Hmm... Where have I heard that before?
(Matt Laycock) reports:
I did tell you that I'd let you in in a minute! I'd been playing with
my guns so they were all unloaded and I didn't fancy my chances in a gun on knife battle. In the 2 minutes it took to reload my arsenal the Emissary and his compatriot had vanished. <sigh>

Die Laycock Die! (Ed Nokes) tried to kill Brave Sir Robin (David Hammond) at 18:03:16 on Friday
Brave Sir Robin reports:

I was clearly never meant for parties.

I *was* intending to "drop in unannounced" on the guests of Mr.
J Doe, when I espied a pair of suspiciously psychotic looking
people coming the other way along Trumpington street. My hand
clenched on the 20 in my pocket as I searched for a suitable ambush
point, but alas, they spotted me.

We grinned at each other manically.

Then Ed started fumbling in his bag and began to withdraw a CPS-1000.
Nasty man. I did consider the railgun in my bag as a suitable reply,
but it would have taken too long to get out, would have scared the
nearby drivers, and was uncharged anyway.

Hence, plan B came into force - the one involving bravely running away.
They tried to follow me, but were far too slow / unfit to catch me.
They should do more early morning runs.

I turned down a side street and escaped into the DPMMS, which they
were obviously too afraid to follow me into (the word "Sciences" is
obviously frightening to some).
A wand of *slay* Laycock (36 charges) (Bjoern Holzhauer) reports:
Returning from the botanical gardens, where we had not managed to find the crocsoc-meeting, we were happily walking towards the town again, when suddenly I spotted Dave.
When he saw as drawing our cps, he ran, but it took as too long to cross the road so that he was out of sight when we did.
We split up and searched the nearby area, but didn't find him.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 18:57:53 on Friday
The Dragon reports:
Well, yet another innocent died due to his lack of knowledge about the rules (he didn't know he shouldn't be bearing weapons).
Poor Alessandro had a look at my rubber band gun, which resulted in his death.
I don't know, but these stupid legal non-player kills are way too easy, I mean, even if he had shot me it wouldn't have mattered at all and I could just ask someone:"Want to see my gun ?" and then shoot them.
Should there really be points for this ?
Brave Sir Robin (David Hammond) reports:
There aren't points for this.

If you had checked my dangerousness rating when I did it, you'd note
it didn't even wibble an incy bit.

And if you're *still* trying to imply that it was a cheap point gaining
tactic, then may I remind you of the two people in my former corridor
with CPS-1500s, who play with them each day, the two on the floor
above with ink-guns, and those who I lend my stones to every now
and again for target pratice on the darts board. Who are not dead,
but very easily could be.
Actually, you do get small amounts of points for killing non-players bearing weapons. Likewise, you lose a small amount of points for killing non-players who aren't bearing weapons.

It may be a good idea to point out that points are not the same thing as dangerousness. Dangerousness decays over time to zero, with a time constant of two days, in order to try and get a reasonably constant figure for how good someone is. This value is then used to adjust the amount of points transferred when a kill is made.

Killing non-players, or being killed by the umpire will alter your points, but not your dangerousness. Killing or being killed by anyone else alters both your points and dangerousness.

Oh yes - one last point. Please don't enter HTML tags into your kill reports. This program will quote them, and you will not get the desired effect. If you *must*, use _these_ types of /symbols/.
- Umpire.

DoubleCrossingTreacherousSwine (Tim Pike) tried to kill Unicorn (Kathy Brazier) at 19:05:23 on Friday
DoubleCrossingTreacherousSwine reports:
She said she was more dangerous than me, and then barricaded herself into my room when she saw me approaching with a *small* weapon. I begged to differ, but she refused to see reason from the far side of the door.

Time for more drastic action. She was behind a shut door, which refused to be unshut. Well what if it wa shut elsewhere. Found a screwdriver and set to work. Having removed a lot of screws found that the door was still being impertinent and refusing to be closed elsewhere. Or even open there for that matter.

I'll get you next time...
Unicorn reports:
Been to Tutor's P.A.R.T.Y. Fed alcohol - cheap college champagne (well, cava really, but after four glasses, who cares??)
Came back. Looked at new pretty colours on website. Am more dangerous than Tigger. Said so. Had to barricade self in his room, whilst he went and got a tool kit and attempted to remove the partition betwixt our rooms and prove otherwise. Thank heaven for PVA glue, that's all I can say.

Oh, and a little missinge to all those of you who insist on taking this game seriously: Stop Changing Your Names! I only ever read the news when tipsy, and it's confusing!!!! Imagine if I were sober!

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed (Matt Laycock) at 19:07:55 on Friday
The Dragon reports:
This time I sat further back in the computer room, well covered by a column and when he came in with his guns in his hand, I mercilessly opened fire at once.
He says he just wanted to talk to me, but I'm just a bit paranoid (and why did he bring his guns then).
Needed to talk to Bjoern 'bout non killy stuff. Wandered down to computer room and opened door. Stood in doorway holding guns by barrels in one hand.
Saw Bjoern move. Put hands up in a mostly non threatening way.
Fell to ground with sucking chest wound. Oops.

So, you may all be asking, what's all this "Dangerousness" stuff about, then?

Basically, it's a plan to encourage people to (attempt to) kill the more competent = 'dangerous' players. I.e., the way the game's going at the moment, you all want to start assaulting Bjoern, with visits to Claire and Ed if he's out (killing someone). Because killing someone with a higher dangerousness gets you more points.
Note that while points are only added to or subtracted from when kills happen, dangerousness decays with time, towards zero. This provides an 'averaging out' effect.

Note also that you get a lot less points for killing somebody you've already killed. This is to encourage you to go out and meet all those other interesting people in the Guild, and hopefully kill them. (MuHaHa) Before dangerousness compensation, the points for killing the same person go 0.5, 0.25, 0.125, ...
Players are ordered in the Stats page by their score, but in most cases this will be roughly in order of dangerousness also. Keep the blood flowing...
- Umpire.

Zachary Smith (Steven Cooper) killed Antoine (Antoine Boulart) at 20:08:50 on Friday
Zachary Smith reports:
We, that is to say Antoine and I, had both been stewarding at the St Catharine's Midsummer Concert in St Catharine's Main Court.
After the concert was over and we had finished clearing up, I walked up to him in the middle of the Main Court lawn, and shot him dead.
There's really nothing more to say.

Fade to Black (David Hammond) attempted suicide at 21:53:54 on Friday
Fade to Black reports:
Well, people, I've decided to resign.

There are several reasons for this:

1) I'm really not enjoying the game anymore. This is the main reason.

2) I'd like to go to a lot of mayweek events *without* my guns / paranoia.
I'm missing a lot of them at present.

3) Having walked the equivalent of Girton and back five times today, and
a similar (if not greater) distance yesterday, my feet are killing me.

4) I have a cold (which cleared momentarily this morning, in case
anyone was wondering why I bothered to wear a gas mask), and it's not
getting any better.

For those of you who couldn't be bothered / were too scared / were too
intimdated by the infamous fearsome Sidney porters to actually come to
my room, you missed:

* The killer zombie traffic cone guarding the door.
* One of very few doors I know of which can be shot out of without
being opened.
* The Automatic-Come-In-Device, which can make the words "come in"
appear to emanate from any part of the room (ie I can hence be
somewhere completely different...
* Mr. Socks (remember him?), my erstwhile Dummy who sits at the
computer in front of the door and makes a good target / distraction
* The enlightening experience of three spotlights trained on the door.
* Being impaled on a seven foot long lance upon entering the room
* Going to the wrong room, and indeed the wrong building - for all
those old players who failed to spot the room change :)

Anyway, good luck the rest of you, especially some of you (you know who
you are), and may the best man/woman/psychopath/killer-zombie-traffic-cone

PS: Means of suicide: Playing russian roulette repeatedly with both
stones and both RBGs simultanously. Stone #1 got the kill in the end.
Note that this makes me dead until the umpire removes me or four hours
have elapsed.
Auto Umpire Expert speaking: I hope we can trust everyone to not kill David until I write enough code to remove him from the game at this point (and leave his actions before now intact). Well, put it this way - if you do anything to him, I'll cancel it. So there. - Umpire.
David Hammond has hereby been officially retired from the game.

Having just written the code which allows me to do this, perhaps I ought to explain a little what it does.

Being retired, David cannot die, and he cannot kill. He may still add comments to death reports, report failed attempts (either way), change pseudonym, and change password. All his actions up until now still exist, and his score is frozen in the statistics. His dangerousness will decay to zero slowly, not that that's going to make a difference to anything (or even be displayed).

If anyone else wishes to be retired, they should contact the Umpire. Interestingly, my code allows for David to be "unretired" later on if he wants to rejoin the game.
- Umpire.

Axolotl (Naomi Foster) killed Macvities (Kien Hoang) at 23:04:11 on Friday
Axolotl reports:
After bursting into Macvities room and finding no one there, but music playing and lights on, I decided to wait for his return. After a tense 15 minutes he returned, happily whistling and completely unsuspecting. I shot him and he made some very colourful utterances before his death. He was stabbed in the shoulder to ensure his demise.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Zachary Smith (Steven Cooper) at 23:15:00 on Friday
Zachary Smith reports:
I was walking up Castle Street towards Fitz, when the Dragon came up behind me and gunned me down.
Oh, William. Oh the pain!!!
The Dragon reports:
Happened upon Steven outside Braeside, I shot him.
Nasty me.
A non-player reports:
Not bad going, but...



Axolotl (Naomi Foster) mashed a non-player at 23:26:10 on Friday
Axolotl reports:
Stu Gill seemed to be a lot shorter than I expected, was wearing a dress and seemed unduly shocked when he has shot. In fact he was a she who randomly walked out of the building after I rung the doorbell. Oooops!

Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) killed Die Laycock Die! (Ed Nokes) at 23:33:11 on Friday
Die Laycock Die! reports:
Oh! Alas! So ironically are the threads of fate woven.

Returning from the inaugural CrocSoc meeting, I detoured via the main Gonville and Caius Porters lodge. Having handed in my terminal exeat, and exited into the adjacent arch, who should be so fortuitous as to chance upon me with my guard down? Why, Mr Quinn, of course.

A triple stream of ammunition burrowing its way into my side was the first indication of my 'terminal exeat' from my current incarnation. With nary time for a gasp, I saw the deadly stream move to my companion, who just happened to be .

Oh well, at least I got the chance to soak Mr Quinn with his own gun, muahahahahaha!

Hmm, why did I have to be nice and not kill or Pope Innocent MCMLVXXXXIX when I had the chance?
Harland Quinn reports:
Returning home from a busy day,
And armed for the first time this week.
With my big friendly gun, that I'd loaned to a mate,
And had filled just to check there's no leak.

I skipped past Catz, past Kings and then,
Who do you think I sees,
I sees Ed and Matt, looking quite lively and well,
So I shot them in the p'lodge entrance at Caius.

So that's my 2 kills so far dear friends,
I hope there'll be more with time,
But for now, to bed, I'll be up crack of dawn,
And I'm too tired to think of a... erm... word that sounds like that one what I already wrote.

Love and huggles and excessive amounts of bouncing,
Your pal, Harley.

Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) killed (Matt Laycock) at 23:33:13 on Friday
I was brutally gunned down outside Caius Plodge. Again.
My first indication that something was amiss was the gasp from Ed, which I ignored due to being engrossed in my newly purchased Bumps program. The wonderful Mr. Quinn then pumped a stream of bullets into my side, leaving me not feeling very well.

I'd just handed in my terminal exeat........

Seth (James Green) tried to kill Brave Sir Robin the 3.3rd (David Hammond) at 00:00:00 on Saturday
Brave Sir Robin the 3.3rd reports:
A little curiosity to ponder over.

Having resigned, etc., I left the Sidney library by the non-secure
route, and saw Seth just sitting there on a wall. We stared at each
other. But he didn't try to shoot me, even though I'm fairly sure he
was at that time unaware of my resignation. Most peculiar.

Axolotl (Naomi Foster) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 00:00:12 on Saturday
Axolotl reports:
The Dragon and the Toxteth Mafia were hanging out in Ed Pringle's room. We were kindly showing him our mighty weapons of death when he turned them against us. How treacherous! I shot him before he did any significant damage.
A non-player reports:

I was returning from a bracing evening stroll this evening when I encountered 3 dubious characters outside the door to my abode. As I watched from a discrete distance, the door was opened and some poor member of our community was shot dead on the doorstep. Instead of berating the three miscreants as to their incompetence, I invited them inside for a polite conciliatory drink.

It was there, perusing them while they sipped their "water" that into my head came an idea. I borrowed one of their weapons, and while ostensibly checking it, quite by happenstance, appeared to level at them. I then proceeded with joy unbounded to explain by what quirk of rules I was able to join the game at midnight exactly. They looked at their watches and appeared decidedly unhappy. Poor things. They should know better than that, especially with my inability to remain pokerfaced for long about anything.

I shot a few bands (only hitting one member) before relieving them of their stress by assuring them that they were indeed still very much alive and only victims to my appalling sense of humour. I was then promptly shot, which although irritating, was probably the correct course of action.

May I offer my congratulations to the victorious party

Yours Sincerely,


The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) tried to kill Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 00:15:10 on Saturday
The Dragon reports:
Sitting comfortably in Ed's room I suddenly heard Harland Quinn asking:"Ed, are you in?", whereupon Ed suggested:"Stu, if I was you, I'd run like hell", whilst I darted out of the room firing a few rubber bands without even seeing Stu.
He then made his 3000 ready downstairs and came up the stairs again halfway. I proceeded to throw some carrot-knives at him, but missed as did his volleys from his cps.
Then I borrowed a hankerchief from Ed, but just when I prepared a gas-grenade he claimed it back.
Stu used that moment to escape to his room and the fighting ceased.
Wherupon we fled from Braeside.
Harland Quinn reports:
Got home from killing Ed and Matt,
Expecting Bjoern to be abouts,
So it was no suprise to hear on my return,
The command run, amongst my neighbours shouts.

I went to join the linguists party,
A drank for a while longer yet,
Then returned and crept past back into my room,
And they sculked away as I slept.

Love and huggles and bad verse,
Harland Quinn - aka Toad of Toad Hall (Hint hint come to the play)

Your local Auto Umpire expert speaks: I have now implemented a feature that means that the news pages (all of them) should load into your browsers much quicker. This will be slightly more important towards the end of the game, where the database will be several times as big. Occasionally, when you load the news page, it will need to recreate it (if data has changed since last time). If this is the case, you can expect speeds equal to those you have been used to up until now. - Umpire.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Macvities (Kien Hoang) at 10:19:01 on Saturday
The Dragon reports:
Running out of biscuits, I went over to Magdalene to find Mavities.
First try:
Enter the staircase, walk up towards his room, hear someone coming down, run out of staircase and wait.
Second try:
Enter staircase, hear that same person coming back up from the basement, run out of staircase and wait.
Third try:
Enter staircase, hear weird slapping noise, discover it is Kien's half open door, walk in, shoot him first in the arm then with two more shots to the chest.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Withnail (Serge Lewis) at 10:49:15 on Saturday
The Dragon reports:
Hadn't been in Christs' for some time, so I went to visit Morag. She was in and I heard two people inside talking about having to go.
I assumed it was Kelpie and Macavitiy, so I waited round a corner and jumped around when they came out.
Someone that didn't look anything like Macavity (though he was costumed as a cat) caught most of the shots.
I didn't know, who he was, but luckily he turned out to be Withnail, so I had actually not killed an innocent.
I thought I had hit Morag as well, so I let her past, but as soon as she had reached the saftey of the bathroom, she explained that I hadn't.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Kelpie (Morag Gray) at 11:04:15 on Saturday
The Dragon reports:
With Morag hiding in the bathroom, I took a position just outside, but then I suddenly heard noises that suggested she might be climbing out of a window, so I ran round the building to discover there weren't any.
Back at the front Serge had brought Morag lightsabre and Big-Bad-Bow. Due to their clothes I couldn't use my cps, so I kept to non-messy weapons.
After quite some time, I retreated a bit, because they had to go to some event and of course because I hoped I could still somehow manage to kill the Kelpie.
After some more time, I ran to the other side of the building, while they used that moment to walk of in the other direction, so that I suddenly appeared behind them.
Morag starts walking towards me with her crossbow.
I claim:"I can dodge that"
Closing in she asks:"At what range?"
At the edge of my range I fire a shot that she easily dodges, then she fires and I dodge as well.
Now she has no shot loaded, I have 11, so I charge and empty all of them into her.

(Matt Laycock) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 13:05:00 on Saturday
Applications are now being accepted for the post of Dean at Caius College, Cambridge. Candidates should express a keen interest in rowing but should not try to shoot members of the college with medium calibre weapons upon hearing of their failure to bump. Especially when said members are better armed and more accurate...

Maud Adams (Claire Bordenave) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 13:15:06 on Saturday
Maud Adams reports:
Went to see Mr Laycock. Too late. But the day wasn't lost : a suspicious character with a nerf vortex was spotted on the bridge. He was then gunned down (in the back - pffff...) by a man with a XP-50. Who was gunned down by me... in the heart :)

Axolotl (Naomi Foster) tried to kill Cat (Liz Elliott) at 14:00:00 on Saturday
Cat reports:
I like phones. Very useful invention, those.

Maud Adams (Claire Bordenave) killed Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) at 14:10:42 on Saturday
Aizen reports:
Suffering a terminal lack of paranoia I didn't lock my door after I got up this morning.
Claire kindly pointed this out to me by opening it and shooting me in the back as I was at my computer.
It won't happen again.
Maud Adams reports:
Knowing the legendary E-staircase from last term, we wanted to see how F-staircase Fitz was going to be. So we stormed it, shooting Mr Monaghan through the doorframe. The Fireman wasn't in. Liz phoned someone so we exited. About 1 second from splitting into a sniping position by the wall and a fortified wall behind the tree, that someone, a Mr Green, opened fire on the innocent J Doe, also hitting Axototl and myself. As the Fireman emerged from the showers.
We're confident from what he was carrying that he is excellent value for money at work. :)

Seth (James Green) killed Axolotl (Naomi Foster) at 14:12:03 on Saturday
Seth reports:
Well Maud wasn't alone in trying to kill people at Fitz, fitting
she didn't die alone.
Axolotl reports:
My death was part of a failed attempt to ambush his room. Alerted by a 'phone call Seth appeared with a large gun and shot Claire first, giving me the chance to get out my weapon, but I was shot before I had time to respond. Blood splattered the concrete.

Seth (James Green) mashed a non-player at 14:12:16 on Saturday
Seth reports:
Well it seems the ever innocent J Doe was helping the Newnham
Girls, he was also standing right between them when I started firing
well nine more to go, but I doubt he was unarmed.

Seth (James Green) killed Maud Adams (Claire Bordenave) at 14:12:25 on Saturday
Seth reports:
Well things got interesting this afternoon. Got a phone call, a
quiet voice told me an assassin was on her corridor. Well this
presented a problem since my guns are naff, problem solved by borrowing
heavy calibre gun off random non-player, walk out of corridor after
arming it, see people start to move, not fast enough though and they
all die.

Christopher Robin (Matthew Wakeling) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 14:15:00 on Saturday
Christopher Robin reports:
Hmm. I suppose I should really have warned Susan not to play with my weapons.
A non-player reports:
Hummmmppphhh....It was an unloaded gun which I was try to figure out how it worked. So matthew was just being un-gentlemanly. Humph.
And he denied me the oppurtunity to kill other random people..Humph.
Maybe unloaded weapons shouldn't count if the killer knows they are. *glare*

Seth (James Green) attempted suicide at 15:21:02 on Saturday
Seth reports:
I hope the umpire can remove me before I come back to life
Can't be doing with watching my back and having NO WORKING WATERGUNS.
Want to live out May week in peace. Sorry to those who wanted to kill
me, I know there were quite a few. Oh and for those who wanted to know
I was at Sidney lastnight but I play defencively, hence didn't shoot
Dave, same reason I didn't shoot Kathy on thursday with her parents.
Humph. It would make it easier if you want to retire, if you report it as a failed suicide. This prevents me having to fail your suicide, and rerun the database. *sigh* Okay, you have been retired. - Umpire.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 20:30:29 on Saturday
The Dragon reports:
Having just participated in the punt race, I was standing outside the mill with Maud Adams, when the members of Gothsoc started leaving the protected zone.
They had got us as wet as we got them (i.e. by means of submersion, water-weapons, water-bombs...), so we were quite happy to see they were openly carrying their water-guns. Muhahhhahhahhhahahah !
We decided to split the kills up fairly and then charged.
The first one fell before he even noticed.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 20:30:36 on Saturday
The Dragon reports:
The second Goth I shot had a Storm Force-2 that wasn't even pumped, so he couldn't even retaliate.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 20:30:41 on Saturday
The Dragon reports:
The third one had a 50 that wasn't much use against my 1000.

Maud Adams (Claire Bordenave) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 20:31:00 on Saturday
Maud Adams reports:
The Goths came walking one by one,
The first was floored with a gatling gun.

Maud Adams (Claire Bordenave) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 20:31:10 on Saturday
Maud Adams reports:
The second was also heavily armed
And was similarly fatally harmed.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 20:31:11 on Saturday
The Dragon reports:
The fourth one had just picked up a gun, which was the last mistake of his life.

Maud Adams (Claire Bordenave) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 20:31:20 on Saturday
Maud Adams reports:
The third's armement was poor,
Too bad Cthulu'd declared Holy War.

Maud Adams (Claire Bordenave) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 20:31:30 on Saturday
Maud Adams reports:
The fourth tried to run away past Dept. of Pure Maths
But was too slow for the pursuing psychopaths

Maud Adams (Claire Bordenave) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 20:32:30 on Saturday
Maud Adams reports:
Their Champion Lord Nhudri then emerged with a heavy Storm,
So i spilt his guts which were surprisingly warm.
A non-player reports:
Well, Nhudri HAD tackled Matt, and they both fell in the Cam... And come back to try and capsize the punt... Therefore, I had no remorse in taking all this gothic carrion to feed the Killer Octopus.
Once blooded, it has become uncontrollable in its rage to forage for itself. Having been weaned on gun-toters it will recognise these alone as food, especially their brains




Oh no!!! It even wishes to reproduce!!!!!

yours sincerely,

Herr Akkomplitz der Oktopusmeister Von Greinsleimhytentakel

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 20:32:40 on Saturday
The Dragon reports:
When I thought we had shot all legal targets suddenly one of the still alive Goths (next to whom I had dropped a 10 litre water-bomb in the race), picked up Alex Cairns' (whom I failed to kill, as Claire had been quicker) big storm and charged me, dying not much later.

Maud Adams (Claire Bordenave) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 20:35:00 on Saturday
Maud Adams reports:
Two minutes and thirty seconds had passed before
Emma's sworded guts were added to the pub door

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 21:02:04 on Saturday
The Dragon reports:
All armed innocents seemed dead now, but then the Sri-Lanka society's punts came back quite late with 2 1500 on board.
They took quite some time before leaving the safety zone, but were dispatched as they walked up Mill lane one by Claire, one by me.

Pope Innocent XV (Claire Bordenave) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 21:02:47 on Saturday
Pope Innocent XV reports:
Inspecting the Vatican's vast wealth
I felt that not enough heads had rolled
So I approached a Sri-Lankan 1500 with stealth
And bashed his off with a bar of gold.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 21:10:04 on Saturday
The Dragon reports:
Two girls left the saftey zone carrying small squirty pistols, which resulted in me sneaking up on them an shooting the left one first...

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 21:10:05 on Saturday
The Dragon reports:
...and the second one just an instant later.
(Matt Laycock) reports:
I was there, I saw it all. It was horrible, the blood staining the street, the screams of the dying, the wails of those left behind.. Oh the humanity!
The merciless killers slaughtered their victims as they left the safe area. One by one they fell, many of Cambridge's finest students (and a load of Goths) were reduced to a pathetic heap of human remains, soiling the pavement.

I would have joined in but I was too busy laughing....
Brave Sir Robin the 3.3rd (David Hammond) reports:
Yes, I did indeed witness the massacre of umpteen armed innocents this
afternoon, as I basked in my immortality. Claire and Bjorn both got
7-8 weapons-bearing-innoecnts each as they foolishly left the safety
of the docks, as well as tormeting the corpse of the late Lord Nhudri
(please correct spelling if necessary). I even saw much unpleasantry
involving a gold-plated brick, and threats about the usage of a
particulary nasty-sounding octopus.

Well, anyway, I assume the scoring system will deal with this
appropriately by halving the number of points they get for each
legal innocent kill or something, cos otherwise things are going to
get silly.

We did, of course, defend the honour of the guild appropriately
from our punt (ie with grossly superior firepower and multi-litre
water bombs).

Oh, and Ed caused the complete immersion of Bjorn during the punt-race
(ie in the no-kill zone). Not sure if this qualifies as subsequent
long-term poisoning (at least in game terms...).

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 21:15:04 on Saturday
The Dragon reports:
I was about to go back to Harvey Court, when a girl with a 175 came from one of the punts and walked towards Silver street.
I sneaked up behind her and cowardly shot her from behind.
Some people claim to have heard her scream from 100 metres away.
A non-player reports:
The girl with a 175 entered the alleyway, the silent psycho tiptoesprinting behind. Five seconds later, there was a high-pitched scream. I then saw the smile on his face *faints*

J Doe

Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 23:45:42 on Saturday
Aizen reports:
While spending an enjoyable night in watching cartoons the Infamous Jon Sharp started playing with the multitude of elastic bands we had lying around to protect us from nasty people who attack at 12:30 in the morning.
Big mistake.

Your local Auto Umpire expert speaks: Okay people, this is getting ridiculous.

I mean, nobody is dead. Nobody has been dead for several hours. Get killing.
- Umpire.

Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) killed Cat (Liz Elliott) at 00:50:40 on Sunday
Aizen reports:
It was getting late and nomone had attacked, someone mentioned that it was quite boring.
Weighing my rubber band gun in my hands I decided I was the perfect person to fix that.
A single shot to the chest and Cat died for the first time.
Cat reports:
Ever since Aizen had suggested shooting Seth in the back with one of his own weapons, I knew he was not to be trusted. So his turning on us, while disappointing, was not really a surprise.

We had no time to react as Aizen levelled his rubberband gun at me and The Fireman in turn, shooting through our hearts with cold efficiency. The last thing I heard as I tumbled into blackness was his triumphant, gloating laugh, echoing in the still night.

Aizen, you scum! I hope you like water, because you are going to be seeing rather a lot of it!

Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) killed The Fireman (Joel Cartwright) at 00:50:42 on Sunday
Aizen reports:
I swung my sights to the only other assassin in the room and before he could react I silenced him in the same way.
The next rubber band snapped into place and I was itching for my next target.
The Fireman reports:
It was as Aizen said, during a nostalgic evening of cartoon viewing. In my own room. With a weapon I'd previously handed to him. Git.
Sleep tight Aizen >:-)

Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 00:50:50 on Sunday
Aizen reports:
Fortunately someone obliged by pinging a rubber band at me, he joined the pile of corpses lying on the bed as everyone in the room picked up some sort of foam based weaponry and pelted me from all directions. By this time there was only one more target left alive.
A non-player reports:
Well seeing as I get an error when I try to report as myself I am
forced to resort to this, basically aizen managed to kill me and the
rest of the mafia and a couple of innocents who were all armed (like me)
Seeing as I had just turned up to redistribute my armoury among my
friends we were all holding guns. Nice shooting.
Seth Lord of E??!
Please be more specific - what error did you get?

What were you trying to do?
- Umpire.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Slakko (Duncan Richer) at 09:19:08 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
An early morning walk lead me to Queens, I was surprised to find an open door, as was Slakko when I shot him.
He just managed to mutter:"Bloody hell!", when the door flew open, his neighbours only heard two shots from a Lugar and never saw the killer.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Charlie Croker (Philip Stott) at 09:22:08 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
Philip looked quite sleepy when he looked up from his bed to the opening door, so I thought a bit of water might wake him up, as his room is WW3.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Antoine (Antoine Boulart) at 09:34:08 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
Five seconds of patient waiting outside Antoine's door paid off at 9:34, I had just arrived and was wondering what to do, when he stepped out of his room, not quite awake yet.
Two rubber-bands lying next to his body were the only evidence left behind.

Octopussy (Claire Bordenave) tried to kill Christopher Robin (Matthew Wakeling) at 09:55:01 on Sunday
Octopussy reports:
The aircraft carrier was stationed down Eden Road. The F-16 fighter was hovering under a tree. Matthew Wakeling was walking by. You may be wondering, but it was indeed Serge Lewis' baptism today. I was -of course- the pilot of the F-16 :). And i've never heard of the Geneva Convention in my life... So I didn't hesitate to unleash some fairly hefty biological warfare... I began to pedal the F-16. He spotted the Killer Octopus emerging from the bomb-hatches. He ran for sanctity in the chapel, and made it, albeit dripping in slime.



The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Macvities (Kien Hoang) at 09:58:18 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
Upon returning from a shower Kien found a visitor waiting for him in his room.
Though taken by surprise he managed to dodge one shot, but the other one hit him in the chest.

Octopussy (Claire Bordenave) killed Peaceful Purple Pineapple (Angela Rayner) at 10:00:00 on Sunday
Octopussy reports:
A bit disapointed by this first failed attempt, i took position at the corner of Eden Street in the hope that some more Christians would arrive. Sure enough, the Umpire and Angela Rayner ran past *grin* *bloodlustyslimyswishofthetentacles*

I left the Umpire alone - the octopus has a satisfactory level of guild discipline - but Angela is currently being digested. The tentacles reached out 50 metres and dragged her into the nightmare mouth.




*octopus grins*

It's a cute Octopus really.


Perhaps not, then :)

Octopussy (Claire Bordenave) tried to kill Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 11:00:00 on Sunday
Octopussy reports:
The Christians would guess by now that something is wrong. It was the large ammount of slime outside the Chapel, not to mention Angela was only spiritually present.

So I taped a rocket launcher to the front of the F-16 and prepared my wing-mounted machineguns.

Sure enough, Mr Gill came out. :)

I shot at him with the rocket launcher, unfortunately missed, and jammed when starting to pursue him - technical problem. I dealt with it and began a proper chase, helped in this by a ferocious dog. He has to say:
A non-player reports:


A non-player reports:
Sorry, I think we should provide a translation of the above statement:

"Oi, you grinning, spiky-haired maniac, that was MY tail you almost trod on, I'm going to bite your..."


"I honestly have had my rabies vaccine"
Octopussy reports:
Unfortunately, the technical problem i had meant that Mr Gill had a comfortable lead. The dog didn't. But this only made him run faster, past the aircraft carrier and into the Grafton centre arms department. The F-16 crash-landed, with the pilot safely flying out on the ejector seat and parachuting into the Grafton centre through the roof...
A non-player reports:
The Aircraft Carrier Picked up the F-16. Hmmm, said J Doe. It's a hot day to be an aircraft carrier. I think I'll ride the
F-16 and not the other way round. It's the painful pedals you see :)


Oops, haven't ridden a bike for 12 years...

Octopussy (Claire Bordenave) tried to kill Kelpie (Morag Gray) at 11:25:13 on Sunday
Octopussy reports:
Ok, i had lost Mr Gill in the Grafton Center. So i came back to the baptist Church and spotted a murderous congregation of Christians.

I shot Angela to make sure, and held Morag at gun-point when...

Macavity (Mike Jeggo) killed Octopussy (Claire Bordenave) at 11:30:00 on Sunday
Macavity reports:
A fair gaggle of assassins was gathered outside Eden Chapel in Fitzroy street, celebrating the dunking of one of our number, Withnail.

Given the protestant nature of our gathering, it was hardly surprising that Pope Innocent XV felt it necessary to put an end to it by the sword - well, OK then, the gun, and so she put an end to the unfortunate Peaceful Purple Pineapple.
However, she failed to notice that Macavity was there. Not till he shot her through the chest, anyway. Obviously, I repent of this deed but since grace provides for me I need not fear the eternal consequences :)
Octopussy reports:


*falls to the ground*

The Fireman (Joel Cartwright) killed Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) at 13:20:00 on Sunday
The Fireman reports:
After a refreshing shower, I opened the bathroom door to find a rather surprised, and defenceless Aizen.
He didn't last long under the barrage of heavy fire from the CPS 1500 I was carrying. Revenge is sweet, oh yes.
Aizen reports:
So I go for a shower this morning, and someones already there.
After waiting outside for a suspiciously long time the door opens and The Fireman blasts me at short range with a 1500. Git.
In hindsight betraying my nextdoor neighbour when he has a 1500 and I have a 40 was probably a bad idea, still, plan what you do in the next four hours carefully Fireman, at 5:20 you die.

Axolotl (Naomi Foster) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 14:20:35 on Sunday
Axolotl reports:
Well if they think they can get away scott free walking round Scudamores fully armed then it serves them right if I throw grenades at them.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Sophy (Sophy Fuchs) at 16:35:27 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
Target = Sophy
device = rubber band gun
Open door = last mistake
result = death

Right, now I'll start playing properley... Honest. (Ed Nokes) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 16:50:16 on Sunday
Right, now I'll start playing properley... Honest. reports:
The usual situation... Whilst gently ambulating along Silver Street, I came upon a suspicious looking character with a CPS 1000. So I shot him, declaiming "I'm an assassin, and it's my job to shoot anyone wielding a weapon."

But really, should we get points for this? It is the 'legal non-player' season, after all. I've had the opportunity to kill about 15 random people bearing CPS-grade weaponary over the past few days, but it seems almost like cheating - far to easy.

Macavity (Mike Jeggo) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 17:04:30 on Sunday
Macavity reports:
Some random friend of Serge's was playing with my lightsabre. So I shot him. He complained this was the third time he'd been assassinated, without ever having played the game himself. But if you play with other people's lightsabres, what can you expect?

Time to change my pseudonym (Ed Nokes) killed Peaceful Purple Pineapple (Angela Rayner) at 17:30:49 on Sunday
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
Will report later
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
On our way to 6 Adams' Road, we just happened to come upon Angela. She didn't recognise us until Bjoern pulled the CPS, but on seeing her cardboard-box-toting figure, Bjoern did something totally unexpected...

...he offered to not soak her with the CPS-1000. Which meant that I got to shoot Angela before Bjoern could free his rubber-band gun.

Hat hat hat.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Kelpie (Morag Gray) at 17:43:55 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
I was happily and entirely innocently walking up to Serge's house, when suddenly Morag came cycling towards me.
I just happened to have a cps with me for no particular reason and nothing else ready to draw, so I shot her with it as she cycled past.
Kelpie reports:
Since Bjoern has been dedicated enough to kill me twice (!) I thought I ought to reward him and actually submit a report. So - well actually, there's very little to report. I'll have to work on maneuvers on my bicycle...maybe I should start carrying my heavy calibre crossbow around. Death to all water weapons and the nasty people who use them!
*coughs* anyway, Bjoern, you can leave me alone now - let someone else have a chance, ne?

Time to change my pseudonym (Ed Nokes) killed Macavity (Mike Jeggo) at 17:45:49 on Sunday
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
Will report later
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
We followed the newly dead Angela along to House Number 6, where her shouted warning of "Assassins, Mike, run away!" gave a pleasant suggestion of even more victims. Unsurprisingly, I shot the bloke running suspiciously across the lawn with a lightsabre. Who it turned out was Jeggo.

Hihat Hihat Hihat!

Such a pity that Serge wasn't there.
Macavity reports:
*grits teeth*
I shall not take on a CPS with a lightsabre,
I shall not take on a CPS with a lightsabre,
I shall not take on a CPS with a lightsabre...

Time to change my pseudonym (Ed Nokes) killed Seb the psychotic spaghetti mould (Sebastian Bleasdale) at 18:15:39 on Sunday
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
Will report later
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
Happy after feeding on the inhabitants of 6 Adams' Road, I moved on to Braeside, and what better route was there to take than that passing conveniently by Ole' Seb's House.

I knocked on he door. Someone opened it. "Are you Sebastian?", quoth I. "Yea, Verily," said he. A hastily squeezed-off shot sped towards him as the door slammed shut, and then I backed off in case of retribution, fearing Mr. Bleasdale to be not entirely dead.

Ten minutes later, he appeared and admitted that he was most certainly deceased, explaining that his cooking had demanded his attention most urgently. Pah. As if a corpse needs food.

(Apparently, always answering to his own name is a well-known flaw in Seb's character.)

Zachary Smith (Steven Cooper) killed Antoine (Antoine Boulart) at 18:51:08 on Sunday
Zachary Smith reports:
As I was strolling through the New Hall Garden party, I happened to bump into Antoine.
So I shot him.
Poor Antoine.
The question is, can the Toxteth Mafia make it two in one night...

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 19:30:55 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
One of Stu's friendly neighbours let me and Ed into Braeside. We walked up to Stu's room, finding to our surprise his weapons outside and even better when we tried the door it was open...
Ed tried to open it and stick his gun through, but the door was blocked with just a small gap open and his gun blocked.
Hence I inserted my gun as well on top of the door and opened fire at the place, where Stu normally uses to sit in front of the computer.
I emptied all my ammo and Stu had to admit death.
Harland Quinn reports:
Yet again I report my sad demise,
This time at the hands of Holzhauer.
I would compose you a lovely poem,
But I cannot rhyme at this hour.

Love and huggles and plays based on classic English literature,
Harland Quinn (deceased)

Octopussy (Claire Bordenave) tried to kill (Matt Laycock) at 20:09:37 on Sunday
Octopussy reports:
Besieged Matt Laycock's room today together with Dan. The grinning face of Matt appeared at the window. He opened it and threw a water bomb... Well out of range. The returning stomp rocket hit the window pane right next to his head.

We eventually retreated to find that he was already behind the hedge. Then i flanked him by running round the UL and Dan laid an ambush in Robinson.

The homebound Laycock was mowed down by maniacs emerging from Garden Hostel. But Dan's ambush had already worked...

Restless dead (Daniel Seymour) killed (Matt Laycock) at 20:45:21 on Sunday
I'm dead. It was really good fun though <g>
Restless dead reports:
Chancing upon Octopussy quite unintentionally (as if...) outside Harvey court we agreed to assault the place. Ed was out. Bjorn was out. Matt Laycock was in. He spent a long time in his room preparing something big and with a pump, then failed to come out, so we went outside. After a prolonged taunting session to get him to come out, we discussed where to go next, but then out he came. Launching nasty hit and run attacks at us we were unable to retaliate due to proximity of innocents. After catching an unpleasent piece of grenade shrapnel in the leg we withdrew, only to find that Laycock has gone ahead and lain an ambush. Fortunately my leg had healed by now so I was able to respnd, and thus it was that a small shower of grenades rendered his position untennable, forcing him to flee. We wandered off to try to ambush him when he followed us. I ducked into Robinson as the other two continued, but Laycock gave up and headed for home, tailed my my evil self.
Closing in behind him someone runs past and Laycock looks round. Holding a Mk1500 satanic flamethrower behind your back when about 15 metres from someone is hard, but it seems I did it. Closing to maximal range, I upped the pace intending to shoot as he began to turn. However the presence of one random innocent running past obviously made me safe too. NOT! I debated wether to use a cap gun as I was close enough too, but I stuck with the satanic flamethrower. As the sent of Laycock's charred corpse wafted across the roadside the random runner picked up his heels and began to speed away.
Oh dear. I yhink I cvanm now report the klill thazt Daniel Saeymorur made earlier. I can't read so I 5think thisd ais alright. Firsty J Doe knock ed ton my door. "It's Ralph!"> He saod. IO knowew optjerwisse. I'ts's J Doem! I daids brcause I know what his voicer sounmds like. Then I went outside anfd sort of talked to them bnecause I wantewd to. Tjhey tried to souhjot at me or tsomething . Oh drat I dont onknow theat they sound like. I tyhrew a couple og water bombs but couldn't be bothered tuying them up so they didn't work and they just dodged them. Then I sneaked around a bit but didn't hit them because they still dodged. I appeared on several balconcies or something. Then I went outside when they were tryign to lure me outside but unfortunately Daniel Setymour noticed my flouroecent gun bcuaeaseuse it is flourescent. He saw me throuh the hefge and teried to kill me but I ran away. Then I followed them to Robinson but wasn't sublytele enought sol they noticed ,e amd then when I was on my way back I got sot bechause I heard sometpne following me and turened rojund but it was a random non- player and didn't notice Daniel Seyn,mpir bnehing himm and then I got shot,. Oh dear. Bother and such like. Idedicate this kill to suicide Sunday and if anyone notices me don't shoot me with water weapons because I'm at my computer. Mmmmmmm. B,ither/////

Time to change my pseudonym (Ed Nokes) killed Restless dead (Daniel Seymour) at 21:20:38 on Sunday
Restless dead reports:
Returning from my recent kill, I spot Bjorn and Ed sat on the grass in front of my door. Being the fearless corpse I am I flee in terror. Working round to their flank I blow my chance at surpriseing them and so Bjorn chased me out into the car park, while Ed headed me off. Trying to dodge around Ed and return to my room I hurl a grenade into Ed's cover and follow it up with a torrent of fire from the satanic flame-thrower. Diving to saftey Ed only has time to let off a paltry volley of supressive fire, but by some fluke one round catches the restless dead full in the facew and he drops, lifeless once more.
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
Myself and Bjoern of Borg were congregating around the Jesus's lawns (our location being nowhere near that of "Dansiel's" room, needless to say) when we spotted the fellow returning from what we could only assume was a killing spree (this we knew from his blatant brandishing of a far too bulky weapon), and consequently raised the warcry "There's Dansiel Seymour! Get him!", with which we charged him, causing him to drop his bag of weapons (on sacred ground, may I add) and run around the court to a far-off archway, wherethrough Bjoern of Borg gave chase, whilst I took myself away to an adjacent opening, wherefrom as expected, I spotted the fleeing fugitive and cunningly situated myself besides a path which he would surely have to traverse in order to retreat towards his room... and surely enough, he ran towards my place of hiding, throwing ahead of him a large and destuctive grenade together with a blanket of covering fire, the former of which I nimbly dodged, in a direction carefully calculated to remove me from Dansiel's firepath, whilst simulaneously admitting him to mine - a strategy which worked extremely well, my perfectly-proportioned weapon pulverising his body and ushering his soul into yet another restless death, so that's another kill for me, and oh, I managed to write this entire report in a single sentence.
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
In fact, to quote a sentence from James Joyce (Ulysses)...

Mulveys was the first when I was in bed that morning and Mrs Rubio... (43000 characters) ...yes I will Yes.
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
Oh dear, it appears that in the interests of brevity (and those of not crashing the server), my single sentence quotation from Ulysses has been most rudely trimmed.

Axolotl (Naomi Foster) killed Antoine (Antoine Boulart) at 23:25:30 on Sunday
Axolotl reports:
Antoine came to Newhall event unarmed. I walked right up to him and shot him. He made no attempt to run away or place civilions inbetween me and himself.

Okay, people. As requested, me and the Automatic Umpire have changed the scoring system for legal non-player kills: the points gained by each individual player now decrease by 50% for each legal innocent kill in the game. So Bjoern's 9 legal innocent kills gain him 0.2 + 0.1 + 0.05 + ..., which is still less than 0.4. This should be a discouragement to going round massacring the Cambridge masses.

The code for this is still in construction at the moment, but should be working soon. Just thought I'd let you all know my decision :-)
- Umpire.

Bjoern of Borg (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Christopher Robin (Matthew Wakeling) at 00:30:00 on Monday
Christopher Robin reports:

I carefully plan an attack on Harvey Court, based on the fact that the killers return to home base and report their kills in the computer room. I hide inside, around the corner from the door, when it all goes horribly wrong.

*beep* *sound of door opening*

I look round the corner to see whether I should be killing the intruder, and see a Nokes chap hiding on the other side of a half-open door, looking paranoidly through the window in the door.

A standoff.

I continue to cover the door with my (massively) superior weapon, while a non-player leaves the computer room (grrrr - I'll get you for that), and before I know it, Bjoern is firing through the window.
Bjoern of Borg reports:
Reading in my room, I suddenly heard loud banging on my door and one of my trustworthy agents told me the local automatic umpire expert was trapped in the HC computer room by Ed guarding the door.
Hence I grabbed my gun, a bit of ammunition and sprinted round the building to get to the windows looking into the computer room.
I heard the two of them talking to each other and spotted Mat standing in the middle of the room holding his long-range rifle pointing at the door.
He didn't notice me before I opened fire at him.

We are the borg.
Lower your shields and surrender your ship or you will be destroyed.
You will be assimilated.
Your biological and technical distinctivnesses will be added to our own.
Bjoern of Borg reports:
Let me quote Overkill:


Did anyone notice when my dangerous-indicator was broken, because I went off-scale ?
Octopussy (Claire Bordenave) reports:
Ok, by this time we'd abandoned the missile base we'd built inside Harvey Court Computer room. I could have then killed the winners of four games and the runners-up to three all for bearing weapons, but I didn't.

Instead, Cuthbert "the Octopus" Cousteau signed a self-portrait on Lynnette Dray's leg.

Rebecca Heath declined to be similarly-tatooed as she's returning to SANITY* today :)

* anywhere outside Cambridge

Zachary Smith (Steven Cooper) killed Sophy (Sophy Fuchs) at 00:40:36 on Monday
Zachary Smith reports:
I walked into one of the dance zones at the New Hall event, and there was Sophy, dancing right before my very eyes.
I went over to greet her; "Sophy," I said. And she turned round, and died soon afterwards.
- I always was a demon on the dance floor.

Zachary Smith (Steven Cooper) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 00:42:20 on Monday
Zachary Smith reports:
As I was, yet again, boogying on down at the New Hall event, I came across a pair of girls brandishing some kind of water guns.
So, not being one to take any chances, I shot one of them...

Zachary Smith (Steven Cooper) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 00:42:22 on Monday
Zachary Smith reports:
...and then the other one.

People, Bjoern's dangerousness has gone a little off the scale. Luckily, there's a new picture in there that represents dangerousnesses above 3.05, so we're okay now.

If you kill Bjoern now for the first time, you will gain 2.5 times as many points as if you kill someone who has not done anything yet in the game.
- Umpire.

Bjoern of Borg (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 01:45:00 on Monday
Bjoern of Borg reports:
After his last death, Harley challenged us to a duel in the HC gardens, so there we were.
Ed & Stu with their 3000s, me with 1000, backup guns, water-bombs and throwing knives.
We stood back to back and took some paces, then the fight began.
Ed and Stu engaged each other at once, while I sneaked around Stu.
I threw a water-bomb hitting him on his backpack, then I shot him with the 1000.
After this I only wanted to go to bed.
Christopher Robin (Matthew Wakeling) reports:
It took all of thirty seconds for Stu to die.

And then the two of us corpses waited around while Ed and Bjoern kept on dodging each other's fire. For two and a half hours.
Right, I've changed my pseudonym now (Ed Nokes) reports:
Happily, Mat Wakeling agreed to umpire for us, and so once we had each selected our weaponary, we made our way into the gardens. A count of thirty from the Wakeling started us, and in short order, poor Mr. Quinn was dead, taken from either side in a cunning pincer movement. Myself, Bjoern, the corpse and the undead umpire were all about to return to the computer room, when I realised something... Once started, a duel is not finished until a *single* winner is declared.

So we reluctantly squared off again, beginning a two-and-a-half-hour series of attacks, counter-attack, sneaking and hiding around the mostly-darkened gardens.

Although I spent most of the time surveying my opponent and positioning myself for possible ambushes, he steadfastly refused to move from his open position, yet during my last cunning flanking attack, Bjoern vanished. Evidently, this was when he tried to acquire Mat Laycock's help.

Happily, Mr. Laycock was deep in his cups, and Bjoern had little option but to return to the courtyard, whereupon I snuck up behind. Rather amusingly, Bjoern has just handed the Wakeling chap a spare weapon, yielding an impressive reaction as I charged upon him, seemingly in response to his new status as weapon-bearer.

Alas, there followed several volleys of fire, evenly matched, and even a last-ditch charge, none of which decided upon a winner. As I picked up more weapons, Bjoern fled indoors again, only to appear on the balcony above. Luckily, I was correct in my guess of the staircase down which he would eventually return, and so had a critical subsecond advantage in the shootout at the bottom of said stairwell.

The dual finally finished, I acquired some coffeee, whilst Stu, Bjoern and the Wakeling chap decided to visit the computer room.

Bjoern of Bjorg (Ed Nokes) killed Bjoern of Borg (Bjoern Holzhauer) at 04:05:00 on Monday
Bjoern of Borg reports:
After having killed Stu at about 1:30 and assuming I had a truce with Ed, I was about to go back to Harvey Court, when he attacked.
I escaped unharmed and we chased each other around a bit.
Then I tried ambush him in Finella, but he went around, so I fled across the street and tried to enter Harvey Court, but he blocked my way.

Then my eyes fell on Stu's 3000 lying round and I took it for myself, now I started driving Ed back and he started hiding and lying in ambush for me.

Finally he came out again and we fought for nearly half an hour, but then Ed disengaged again, when I decided to drop the half-empty 3000 and picked up my 1000 again.

Next I ran up to Mat's room to get some help, but he was quite drunk, so he was no use in that - maybe I should have shot him, but I didn't - I was back in the Court again, asking the present corpses, whether they could get some of my stuff from Ed's room for me, when Ed appeared again and so we fought again around the columns in the Court.

When I was about to run out of water a valiant charge of mine didn't bring a result, so we both retreated to refill.

Then I entered the balcony through Mat's room and had a short indoors shoot-out with Ed, who had guessed the room I would go through.
Then he disappeared. I carefully sneaked down the stairs, when I suddenly heard a trigger of a CPS being pressed.
Just in time I dropped to the floor and returned the fire, but he had cover and I didn't, so his next shot got me, just a moment before I managed to hit him.
Christopher Robin (Matthew Wakeling) reports:
Like I said, they kept on dodging each others' fire for two and a half hours. At some point I recall talking to Bjoern, not knowing where Ed was. Then suddenly Bjoern said "here, hold this", thrusting his smaller weapon into my hands. Now, being the producer of last May Week's game, I couldn't help feeling a certain familiarity about this, but I took the weapon anyway. After all, I was dead at the time. It so happened that luck smiled on me, as the outburst was due to the rapid approaching of Ed.

Back to dodging each others' fire.

Bjoern of Bjorg (Ed Nokes) killed Christopher Robin (Matthew Wakeling) at 04:33:00 on Monday
Christopher Robin reports:
Double Humph.

After hanging around for a nice long waterfight (where Stu and Bjoern both died), I decided that ten minutes to resurrection was a niiiice thing to think about.

Having a band-gun thrust into my hands by the corpse of Bjoern, and being told to hide in the computer room while Ed reports his kills, until I resurrect, in order to get Ed back for Bjoern (here's where my head begins to hurt), I did this, only to be betrayed. The Nokes chap came round the corner with poison gas and a gas mask. I got one shot off, but it probably just took a chunk out of the wall. He knew exactly where I was. Humph.

It was only a minute later while discussing this, that Nokes thoughtlessly took his gas mask off...
Bjoern of Borg (Bjoern Holzhauer) reports:
Well, I made chances fair, rubber-band gun for Mat and both of them knowing, where the other one was.
Maybe Mat should have watched, what was coming....might have saved him, but then when he looked out of his hiding place the last time, he was discovered too early and hence died...
Bjoern of Bjorg reports:
"Bother", said Bjoern of Bjorg, who on having mosied on down to the computer room a little later than the other players*ahem*corpses, found himself very confused by the rather obvious lack Christopher Robin.

Nethertheless, Bjoern of Borg sat down to write up some kill reports (whilst gently nursing a cup of coffeee), only to find that, for some mysterious reason, the assassins' server was no longer working... Could this have been anything to do with the 40-odd thousand character quotation submitted previously, perhaps?

Having been assured of the departure of Mr. Robin by Stu and Bjoern of Borg, Bjoern of Bjorg wondered what he could do. "Look at this" said Bjoern of Borg, whilst typing the words "Mat's hiding around the corner." Said Bjoern of Bjorg, "That's interesting", and indeed it was doubly so when Bjoern of Borg typed "Keep an eye on the time."
For it was about five minutes until the Chrissy's resurrection.

Bjoern of Bjorg made an excuse to leave, and once back in his room, armed himself with *lots* of weapons, including... Vanilla Body Spray! And a gasmask, of course. The gas was applied to the corridor outside the computer room, and once he could be sure of Little Christopher's being alive, the Bjorg carefully entered the room, darted around the corner, and gave poor Mr. Robin a thorough poison gassing. The one shot that the victim squeezed off went wildly wide of the mark, and then Christopher Robin's brief period of life was so sadly extinguished.

Ah, how sad.

Christopher Robin reports:
I was thinking - perhaps I could try to be killed by every different category of weapon in the rules.

I think I have had the most unpleasant so far. So, who's going to help me with the rest? Number 14 could be interesting - anyone out there got a bus?
Bjoern of Bjorg reports:
Aaaaaaagggghhhh! All these Bjoerns are so confusing...

Bjoern of Bjorg (Ed Nokes) committed suicide at 04:34:44 on Monday
Bjoern of Bjorg reports:
...So overcome was I with the morning's sucess, that I foolishly removed my gasmask only one minute after the Christopher Robin's second death of the day. Not that I noticed this until someone mentioned it, mostly due to my lying dead on the floor as a result of the hideous nerve agent.

Quibble Quibble Quibble.
Bjoern of Borg (Bjoern Holzhauer) reports:
Having just evily gassed half of the computer room, that was luckily empty except for himself, Harley, Christopher Robin and me, with vanilla bodyspray Bjoern of Bjorg sat down on a chair, dwelling in his victory, sighing and taking off his gas mask.
Then suddenly his eyes widened with surprise, face taking interesting colours and falling to the ground.
Christopher Robin (Matthew Wakeling) reports:
Well, it serves him right for being so careless.

*snicker, snicker*

The Dragon Reborn (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Macvities (Kien Hoang) at 08:32:00 on Monday
The Dragon Reborn reports:
"Oh no, not you again !" said Kien when he dropped to the floor in front of his sister, after having been deadly hit by two shots.

The Dragon Reborn (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Antoine (Antoine Boulart) at 08:59:00 on Monday
The Dragon Reborn reports:
The sign on Antoine's door said:"back in five minutes"
I decided to make it four hours and shot him, whilst he was sitting on his bed.

Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) killed The Fireman (Joel Cartwright) at 14:45:46 on Monday
Aizen reports:
I heard voices outside my door, looking through the peephole I saw Cat with a CPS, The Fireman and James Green outside.
I got my gun and carefully opened the door, and saw James leaving into the Kitchen.
I followed and ended up with me and Cat on different sides of the kitchen door with James blocking the way between.
I wasn't going to kill first (I got myself in enough trouble last time), and as The Fireman left past me I thought nothing of it.
Seconds later he appeared on my other side brandishing a 1500, I reacted immediately and shot him. He claims he wasn't going to kill me.
Oops, sorry.

Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) killed Cat (Liz Elliott) at 14:45:48 on Monday
Aizen reports:
Realising I'd again betrayed my friend I decided it best if I didn't leave anyone around to kill me, so I shot past James and killed Cat, again.
Then they both emptied their guns into me, and I'm now soaked.
I guess I deserved it though.
Cat reports:
It was a lovely Monday afternoon, and I thought I would wander down to middle F to see if anything was going on. I wasn't about to go unarmed, with two assassins on that corridor, so I brought my CPS 1000 with me. I saw Seth and said Hi, and he warned me not to shoot anyone because I'd be in trouble. I assured him that it was only for protection. The Fireman came out and offered me a drink, so I accepted and followed him into the kitchen. However, Aizen had seen me arrive, and took up a stance at the kitchen door. I wanted to kill him, but the meddling Seth stood in the way and wouldn't let me shoot! In the meantime, The Fireman quietly left the kitchen and went back to his room. He soon returned, slightly less unarmed. He appeared round the corner brandishing his 1500, causing Aizen to turn and shoot immediately. The Fireman went down gun blazing. Seth still refused to budge, so Aizen turned his weapon to me next as I turned mine to him. Unfortunately for me (and indeed, Seth), Aizen's fire hit me, but my return volley rammed into Seth full force. He wasn't too happy. He cursed revenge in the form of giant water bombs upon me as I sank into the pool of water on the kitchen floor.

My ghost seized the CPS and charged after Aizen, The Fireman's ghost joining in with the persuit. After a fierce water battle, all three of us emerged rather wet, but feeling much better.

The Dragon Reborn (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Slakko (Duncan Richer) at 16:00:05 on Monday
The Dragon Reborn reports:
After I had finished the book I was reading and all those people that had promised to come along hadn't appeared, I got bored.
Even though I was quite hot (and still is), I went over to Queens', had a look at their art exhibition and then visited Slakko.
Trigger-happy as I am, I gunned him down with several shots from behind, while he was drying some glasses.

The Dragon Reborn (Bjoern Holzhauer) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 16:59:31 on Monday
The Dragon Reborn reports:
Walking towards Kien's staircase I spotted two suspicious characters hanging around outside, one holding a 1000 and a 1500, the other one searching for something in a bag.
I went round their back and appeared behind them from the staircase, shooting the guy with the water-guns and sparing the other one as he explained in time that they weren't players and were only intending to soak their director of studies...

The Dragon Reborn (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Macvities (Kien Hoang) at 17:00:01 on Monday
The Dragon Reborn reports:
After shooting the armed non-player, I stormed upstairs, finding Kien's room open and him fixing some photos to a notice board.
There were also 3 XPs on the floor and his cap gun on the desk, but he didn't have the time to react, as I had opened fire the moment I entered the room.

Zachary Smith (Steven Cooper) killed Antoine (Antoine Boulart) at 18:18:12 on Monday
Zachary Smith reports:
Ooops... I did again,
I shot through your heart,
Got lost in the Game.

Ooh Antoine;
You didn't think that I would,
But now you're covered in bloo-oo-oo-ood:
I'm not that innocent!

Semirhage (Ed Nokes) killed Restless dead (Daniel Seymour) at 21:34:08 on Monday
Semirhage reports:
Who's that standing in the queue for the Jesus College May Ball? Why, 'tis Daniel Seymour! Oh look, he's seen me. I grin at him, he grins back whilst slipping behind some cover (other May Ballers). I toy with him for a while (he seems to have left home without a weapon) and then shoot him just before he is admitted. Muahahahahah! May Balls are *fun!*


-- Visit Mistress Semirhage's House of Pain --
-- Special Offer: She'll Turn You to the Dark --


PS: Ed and Claire, this is correct spelling, see?
Restless dead reports:
Okay, the may ball, nice and piecefull. But as I que I begin to see the foolishness of leaving home without a weapon. As I reach the end of the que, Ed wanders over and shoots me. There was nothing I could have done to kill him, what with not carrying a weapon and the balloon twister being to far away to make me a sword, and to run away would have meant another hour queing. So I died. Oh, and thanks for making it completely non-messy, my DJ thanks you.

The Dragon Reborn (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Semirhage (Ed Nokes) at 04:14:59 on Tuesday
The Dragon Reborn reports:
Woke up this morning, because it was hot and I was thirsty. While having a drink, I looked out into the court and noticed an open window, Ed Nokes' window to be more precise.
Considering that he shot me yesterday, I decided to return this courtesy.
After some difficulty in reaching his balcony, I was finally up there and stepped into his room.
He was sleeping on his bed, I walked through the piles of loaded and unloaded weapons surrounding him.
At first I had wanted to shoot him with the rbg I had brought along, but then I noticed one of his cps lying just in front of me and I could nearly hear it saying:"Pick me up! Pick me up!"
So I did, sadly it wasn't pumped, yet, but Ed didn't even notice the pumping of his own gun 1m away from his bed.
Having prepared his 1000, I then executed him at point blank range with a single shot (lasting about 2 seconds) to the chest.
Semirhage reports:
Last night was just *far* too hot and stuffy, so much so that the aerodynamic benefits of leaving my window open overnight outweighed the inherent danger of assassination. Mat Laycock was asleep, and Bjoern should not have been able to climb onto the balcony.
Unfortunately, he did. And shot me with my own weapon. Which would have been pleasant had the water not been extremely tepid. And to top it all, I couldn't get to sleep again, all of which made me angry.

Restless dead (Daniel Seymour) killed Peaceful Purple Pineapple (Angela Rayner) at 05:57:00 on Tuesday
An Umpire's life isn't all ruthless dictatorship and maniacal laughter, let me tell you. Oh, the pain! The pain of having a wonderful evening with one's girlfriend and close friends at a May Ball brought to a tragic conclusion. The sudden horror as Dan "Lemming" Deathmaster appears after the survivors' photo, spots one's *own* lightsabre lying on the ground, and uses it to behead the beauty at my side!
Fortunately, my beloved's fierce spirit continued even into death...
- Umpire.
Restless dead reports:
Well, what was I meant to do? The timing (right after the survivors photo for irony value), the placing (right next to the unpire in the middle of a crowd) and the method (with aforesaid umpire's own weapon, carelessly cast aside) I hacked down the pinapple despite her best efforts at cowering behind some innocents.

Withnail (Serge Lewis) killed Restless dead (Daniel Seymour) at 05:57:30 on Tuesday
...The pain of not being able to jump to vengeance for my girlfriend's death myself... oh, these blasted constraints of forced impartiality! But fortunately, dear dead Angela wasn't taking it lying down anyway. Somewhat aggrieved at being killed with her man's own Jedi weapon, she spotted the foolishness of Mr Seymour in putting the weapon down again after the kill. She grabbed the weapon, placed it into the hands of another waiting Assassin nearby (one whom Dan had failed to recognise - his words later were "Well, you looked rather different at the end of a SuperSoaker"), and forcibly shoved him in her murderer's direction. Dan was too slow in running; Withnail caught him quickly and avenged my beloved's death within 60 seconds.
Justice must be done...
- Umpire.
Restless dead reports:
But easy though that kill was, I became careless, and dropped the light sabre. I really should have looked around and hacked down the other 3 assassins there. Instead Serge picks up the jedi weapon and gives chase. My feet were killing me after 9 hours of dancing in my least comfortable shoes, and although Serge was probably coping with similar troubles, he caught me with ease. Maybe I should be airbrushed out of the survivor's photo?

The Dragon Reborn (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Macvities (Kien Hoang) at 10:30:29 on Tuesday
The Dragon Reborn reports:
We very much appreciate the policy of the open door as carried out by Macvities and therefore we have come towards him with an extended hand, offering peace...eternal peace, that is he now rests in pieces.

The Dragon Reborn (Bjoern Holzhauer) tried to kill Restless dead (Daniel Seymour) at 11:00:24 on Tuesday
Restless dead reports:
Erm, I think the time is about right, but Bjorn came and tried my door handle this morning. Fortunately it was locked and he wandered off to hide in an arch opposite my staircase. He came out at about 12 ish, and I've not seen him since. I made a wonderfully excecuted tactical withdrawl to the kitchen to maake some lunch, and found buttering bread with a lightsabre in one hand to be hard.... I did smell something outside my room, but fortuneatly through a gas mask as a friend had asked what the smell was. Hayfever can be handy at times. I might correct this report to say I died, but only if that would be correct. I think he's gone away now...
The Dragon Reborn reports:
I had really hoped that Daniel would have left his door open, may-ball, drinking and all that, you know, but he didn't.
So I decided to take a strategical position in an archway opposite his staircase, from where I could see him preparing his weapons through his window.
He searched his staircase for me, but we didn't get to fight, because I was overly careful, as he had the home advantage.
Finally I just wandered off.

M13 (Julian Yon) killed Semirhage (Ed Nokes) at 11:00:53 on Tuesday
Semirhage reports:
...and being angry made me careless, and consequently Stu Gill was able to lure me out of the computer room. Where Julian Yon happened to be waiting. Well, at least he's finally arrived.

In four hours' time, I shall be very angry.
M13 reports:
Shortly after the assassination of Semirhage, a highly respected public figure and pillar of the community, an announcement was made by M13 claiming responsibility for this shameless act of atrocity. Accompanied by an outside agent, Harland Quinn, M13 has begun a terror campaign in the sleepy city of Cambridge. The M13 logo has been seen graffitied in Cripps Court and this campaign has since been stepped up to take it's first victim. Using Harland Quinn as a sacrificial lamb to entice Semirhage into the open through a series of increasingly insulting taunts. After a particularly distasteful comment about a member of Semirhage's close family his anger took control and he began chasing Mr Quinn. This was to be his final mistake as waiting behind the exit from his sanctuary was a gunman who immediately opened fire riddling the unfortunate Semirhage with a hail of bullets.

Police have issued this warning to the public: "We do not believe this is an isolated incident. M13 has committed a number of atrocities in cities throughout the UK and we believe there may be a real danger to the public"

M13 (Julian Yon) killed Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 11:15:27 on Tuesday
M13 reports:

The body of Harland Quinn has been discovered by police just outside Harvey Court. Apparently the victim of an execution style killng Mr Quinn received a single gunshot to the base of the skull. After taking witness statements and in the light of their recent allegiance the police suspect this to be the work of M13. The police believe that Harland Quinn was always surplus to M13's requirements and that his death was only a matter of time. It is suspected that M13 had hoped for Semirhage to kill Mr Quinn when laying their trap but the method in which Mr Quinn was killed shows a willingness to carry out dirty work unaided. The police are now even more assured of the danger presented by M13 and this open air execution clearly shows an audacity never before suspected.

Greetings, Assassins all. Firstly, I apologise for the earlier brief invalidation of all your passwords: it wasn't a problem with Matt Wakeling's programming, but entirely my fault, and won't happen again... *cough*

But anyway. On the requests of several people, a Hand-To-Hand-Only combat time has been declared: the time is 1800-midnight tonight, and the place is all of Harvey Court. For this region, all long-range weapons of any form will cease functioning. So no waterguns, projectile weapons, grenades; the only kills allowed are those made with hand-to-hand weapons. So lightsabres, knives, coshes, octopi, shields and garrottes are all fair game. If anyone can think of a way of using poisoned food or can manage a kill with the Bus, those are allowed too.

As usual, firing forbidden weapons out of the zone at targets outside is also disallowed. Ambushing people as they arrive is strongly discouraged; challenging people to duels (or just going round hunting who you can) is more preferable.

Kills in this time will still last for 4 hours. Note however, that at midnight the death time will drop to 2 hours, and will continue falling throughout the final day, through 1 hour, then 30, 15 and 7 minutes. Creative use of this reduction is encouraged. :-) - Umpire.

Matrim Cauthon (Ed Nokes) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 17:38:28 on Tuesday
Matrim Cauthon reports:
Having been killed twice before breakfast today, I was a tad miffed, so to speak. Thus as soon as I became reanimated, I determined to usher a rather larger than normal quantity of souls into the next world. I regret that my victims will have but four hours' time to appreciate the astral plane, but such is death.

Anyway, going for Stu Gill & Co. Ltd. during their production of "The Wind in the Willows" would have been a little too predictable, and hence myself and the AHMD decided to venture Robinsonwise, more specifically towards that house among houses, 6 Adams' Rd.

On our arrival, who should be there waiting? That's right, no-one. Happily, after a little poking around, a startled Purple Pineapple sprang out into my path. Unarmed, I might add. Vexingly, my RBG shots fell short, but the Botanical one threw her shoe at me before turning tail and running indoors.

Unsurprising, the immortal call of "Assassinssssss..." went up, whilst Al'Thor and I moved to cover the front and back of the house. A deadlock developed, with Serge and Morag shooting against us from high upon a fire escape, each of us armed with a CPS-1000. Angela briefly ventured out into the garden, but retook her cover indoors upon seeing how the house was surrounded. Apparently, I managed to clip her leg around this point.

After maybe a quarter of an hour, in which even threats upon Angela's shoes could encourage no action, we Duopotanians moved back onto the front street. Alex then met with us, for the discussion of matters of protocol and our craft, and we requested that he inform our nemeses inside the house of our intention to leave should they desire no fight.

This precipitated the ejection of a heavily-armed non-player from the house, the purpose of which may well have been to encourage the waste of our ammunition. His big (and, I later learned, defective) Storm Typhoon was no match for my precision-engineered CPS weapon, and soon the intruder fell.
Christopher Robin (Matthew Wakeling) reports:

Matrim Cauthon (Ed Nokes) killed Kelpie (Morag Gray) at 17:43:53 on Tuesday
Matrim Cauthon reports:
Following hotly on the footsteps of the newly-deceased scout, a small company of three CPS-toting assailants came to welcome us to Adam's Road in their own unique way. Their defensive umberella-shield proved more than capable of deflecting our fire, and hence I determined that cunning tactics would be required to win through...

I pretended to run away down the street, and taking advantage of a momentarily departure from the defenders' field of vision, popped into a nearby property. Silently, stealthily, steadily, and lots-of-other-words-beginning-with-S-ly, I betook myself around into the nether regions of that deadly mansion, and paused to take stock of the situation.

Excellent! All of the defenders were clustered around the driveway, with Bjoern just able to hold them off. I closed, my firepower ripping into them from behind, and poor Morag died once more in a hail of water.

Matrim Cauthon (Ed Nokes) killed Withnail (Serge Lewis) at 17:43:56 on Tuesday
Matrim Cauthon reports:
Even as Morag's scream of death cut through the still air, even as Serge turned to apprehend the unexpected threat, he too attained maximum statistical entropy courtesy of my second volley of shots.

Even as Angela whirled, slipping the shield betwixt herself and I, the Car'a'carn's covering fire perforated her spinal column, and rearranged her vertebrae.

The Dragon Reborn (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Peaceful Purple Pineapple (Angela Rayner) at 17:44:11 on Tuesday
The Dragon Reborn reports:
When Ed and I arrived in Adams Road, we ran into Angela, she threw her shoes at us and narrowly escaped into the house.
Alterted by her Serge and Morag with 1000s appeared on top of the fire escape from where they had a big range advantage over us.
So we couldn't do much, but take the shoes as hostages and wait.
When we were about to leave, Alex appeared and we ask him to tell them we would go, if nothing else happened.

Finally they came out, a non-player with a big storm as a bait so that we would waste our water and the players with 1000s and a big shield held by Angela.
The non-player was eliminated at once by Ed, but then a stand-off evolved, but their shield kept us from doing much.

Then I managed to draw Morag away from the others by pretending my gun didn't work, but I failed to shoot her.
In the meantime Ed had disappeared, but I knew that he would probably be trying to sneak up on them from behind.
As they always kept exactly opposite to me behind the hedge, I maneuvered myself to a point such that they would be standing directly in front of a path, along which I suspected Ed would appear and then would have a direct line of fire at them.

And I had guessed correctly, not soon afterwards Ed suddenly opened fire at them, killing Serge and Morag, while Angela spun around in time to block a shot with the shield.
But now it didn't protect her against me anymore and I exploited this at once.

Cat (Liz Elliott) tried to kill Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) at 18:24:00 on Tuesday
Cat reports:
Well, things got a little nasty this evening. Hence I am resigning from the Assassins before things get any worse.

Cat (Liz Elliott) tried to kill The Fireman (Joel Cartwright) at 18:30:00 on Tuesday
Cat reports:
I ended up almost breaking the guy's supersoaker. This is getting too serious for me. I hope the Umpire can remove me as soon as possible.

Restless dead (Daniel Seymour) killed Semirrhage (Claire Bordenave) at 18:45:55 on Tuesday
Restless dead reports:
Having agreeed to storm Harvey court with Claire and Ed, I fail to find the ****ing rendevous point so proceed directly to Harvey Court. Claire and Ed show up there and we discuss strategy. Ed Knokes arrived and went off to get some weapons cos we're nice like that. After a little warming up battle was joined in earnest. With her Lackley Claire would have slaughtered us all had I not allied with Semirhage (note spelling). I then double crossed him to press him into a corner (at the cost of J Doe's limbs and life) and as Claire was about to administer the coup de grace, I stabbed her in the back. Ooops. Oh well.

Semirhage (Ed Nokes) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 18:45:56 on Tuesday
Semirhage reports:
Semirrhage (and her J Doe lackey) and The Restless Dead were the first to arrive at the big-H/C for the hand-to-hand fighting. Seeing the size of the latter's pike (called 'Tim' IIRC), I was forced to hastily forge and assemble a polearm of mine own, to be known henceforth as 'Kathy'.

After a little harmless practice, the dueling began in truth. Discarding my homemade lightstaff, I made 'Kathy' my weapon of choice. The combatants were elsewise loaded with many swords, cutlasses, pikes and even "The Force", yet at once I perceived that with the J Doe fellow working as Semirrhage's bodyguard, a little truce with the Dead would be prudent.

Ed was no match for the True Power, and as one of only 28 ever granted access, I made good use, lopping off each of his major limbs in a manner reminiscent of a certain Monty Python sketch. When he lacked anymore suitable appendages, I ran him through with my 'Kathy' and then turned upon Semirrhage.

Up until then, she had fought with the Dead, and as I rounded upon her and caught her attention, he was able to stab her from behind. Fitting for one who could not spell my name correctly, Muahahahah!

Semirhage (Ed Nokes) killed Restless dead (Daniel Seymour) at 18:55:56 on Tuesday
Semirhage reports:
All that remained was to make the Restless Dead once more dead. This was a little harder, for he kept the pike called 'Tim' and added a lightsabre from the ex-Semirrhage. Back and forward we flowed, my concentration entirely on his body, my mind floating free, analysing, planning, probing for weakness...

There! One step closer to death as he loses a hand.

Again! His legs gone, I pivot into a thrust, smashing his ribcage, impaling him upon my lance.

His death follows swiftly; from the rictus of pain upon his face, I see that his slumber is yet again destined to be unquiet.
Restless dead reports:
After dispatching Claire, I hunger for more death, so I assault Ed (the one who's an assassin and still alive at time under description) but him Pike, named Kathy, is longer than my weapon, named Tim. This was proven critical with the leg on the floor as main witness for the procecution. hopping madly forward hoping to end his life I loose my left arm instead. More intricate moves, parries within parries and general armed combat excellence sees the demise of my first finger of the remaining hand. This makes wielding a long pike kind of cumbersome so I revert to my sabre, prizing it out of the already still fingers of my fallen arm. Blocking a flurry of blows with ease I close to end his miserable life, but he runs away a little and I can't keep up on one leg. This becomes a little repetative until I parry one high blow upwards. Had his weapon not been heavier than I thought it was he would have been open to my blade. As it was tip of Kathy passes behind me just below head height. This looked rather more profesional than it was, but served to neatly remove my head in a gratifyingly messy manner.

M13 (Julian Yon) tried to kill Unicorn (Kathy Brazier) at 19:10:56 on Tuesday
M13 reports:
M13 strikes again?

Police have confirmed reports of a machine gun attack in Benson Place.
Apparently nobody was harmed, but the shooting bears the tell-tale
signs of M13 - a bold attack in broad daylight, from very close range.
A police spokesman told us: "We are now very concerned for the safety
of the residents in the area. M13 is not known for giving up after a
setback.". He refused to confirm speculation that the occupants of the
house were themselves terrorists, and had had skirmishes with M13 in
the past.

The Dragon Reborn (Bjoern Holzhauer) tried to kill Christopher Robin (Matthew Wakeling) at 19:20:40 on Tuesday
The Dragon Reborn reports:
Knocked on his door and fired through the viewing port, when he appeared.
He was lucky and got away with a new hair-cut.

The Dragon Reborn (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Slakko (Duncan Richer) at 20:44:42 on Tuesday
The Dragon Reborn reports:
For no particular reason I was just coming out of FF staircase, Queens', after having been to V staircase, when I spotted Duncan and shot him in the chest twice.

Execute at &8000 (Ed Nokes) killed Macavity (Mike Jeggo) at 22:00:00 on Tuesday
Macavity reports:
I came, I saw, I got skewered.

Lightsabres are not much better against 8 foot spears than against CPSs, I discovered. Briefly.

Execute at &8000 reports:
Whilst typing up the reports of my previous kills, a little timer popped up to indicate the resurrection of some 6ARpersons. Shortly afterwards (as expected) the Harvey Court intelligence network reported the presence of lightsabre wielding intruders. Numbering four, what a surprise. A quick dash up to my room acquired 'Kathy' in addition to my lightstaff, though I dropped the latter pretty quickly upon seeing exactly what I was up against.

Each of my assailants had a minimum of three bladed weapons upon themselves, excepting The Purple Pineapple, who instead came armed with an extremely long and floppy dagger. When I write long, I do of course mean upwards of 10 feet (that's 305.271342 meters, for those festering in the dark web of the metric system).

Rather hastily, I took up my position upon the stairwell, and managed to hold back the assult for a small time. Suddenly, Macavity lunged at me, and I was able to skewer him upon my trusty pike, at the price of retreating back up the stairs. The remaining fellows pressed, and forced me all the way up to my room, whereupon the fighting changed tone, becoming wild and uncatalogued. Some of us might well have died in that mad rout, perhaps all, but we were saved by the wise words of the umpire.

"I didn't see what happened, so I shall anull any deaths after Macavity's," quoth he, "Let us repair outside, and recommence the fighting."
What I /actually/ said was, in response to pleads from at least two parties, that the last three kills (of Serge, Ed and Angela) were all dubious, due to either being hit by a floppy bit of "Tim" Pike, or being made whilst play was allegedly paused to rescue a precarious glass.
But the settlement by a duel outside was amenable to all parties, and I proceeded to arbitrate a 3-on-1 combat, from which Execute somehow managed to come out the sole survivor. Which was impressive, given that he was facing superior numbers, superior weapons (well obviously lightsabres are superior), and superior range (in the case of the giant cardboard sword). But much fun was had by all concerned.
- Umpire.

Execute at &8000 (Ed Nokes) killed Peaceful Purple Pineapple (Angela Rayner) at 22:14:00 on Tuesday
Execute at &8000 reports:
Angela made most favourable comments on the content of my bookcase, and on my choice of computing platform, and hence I shall report his kill in "Archimedes Assembly Language" style (2nd edition)...

REM constants...
me = firstplayer = %10000
angela = firstopponent = %01000
serge = %00100
morag = %00010
tim = %00001
all = %11111

REM code...
[B repairweapons
EQUB Long_Pike_Called_Kathy_with_Broken_Blade, 0
EQUB Even_Longer_Big_Bendy_Dagger, Red_Glowing_Lightsabre
EQUB Green_Glowing_Lightsabre, Nifty_Short_Sword
EQUD Red_Glowing_Lightsabre, Handy_Dagger
EQUB Yet_Another_Lightsabre, Throwing_Knife
EQUB 0, 0
ADR pile,weapons : MOV hand2,welding_kit
LDR hand1,[pile,#0] : ADD hand1,hand2,hand1 : STR hand1,[pile,#0]
LDR hand1,[pile,#2] : ADD hand1,hand2,hand1 : STR hand1,[pile,#2]
MOV player,#firstplayer
LDMIA pile,{hand1,hand2}! : ORRS temp,hand1,hand2
MOVNE player,player,LSR#1 : BNE pickupweapons
MOV victim,#firstvictim : MOV opponents,#firstopponents
MOV player,#me
EOR target,victim,opponents : SWI "XOS_Parry" : BVS medie
MOV target,victim : SWI "XOS_Attack" : BLVC victimdied
MOV player,#firstopponent : MOV target,#me
MOVS player,player,LSR#1 : BEQ mefight
TST opponents,player : BEQ theyfightloop
SWINE "XOS_Attack" : BVS theyfightloop
SWI "XOS_WriteS" : EQUS "I'll get you in four hours!" :EQUB 0 : ALIGN
SWI "OS_ExitAndDie
BIC opponents,opponents,victim : MOV victim,#firstopponent
TST opponents,victim : MOVNE pc,lr
MOVS victim,victim,LSR#1 : BNE selectvictim
SWI "XOS_WriteS" : EQUS "Hello, World!" : EQUB 0 : ALIGN
SWI "OS_GainManyPoints"

So, it's all clear really. On the inital run, with firstvictim=angela
and initopponents=(all AND NOT (me AND tim)) the code would have ended up calling "OS_GainManyPoints". Hence, I killed Angela. :-)

Execute at &8000 (Ed Nokes) killed Withnail (Serge Lewis) at 22:19:00 on Tuesday
Execute at &8000 reports:
And since assembly language is sooo much fun, let's run it again:

Initially, firstvictim=serge and opponents=(all AND NOT (me AND tim AND angela)), which again would have called "OS_GetManyPoints".

Which is to say, I killed Serge next.

Execute at &8000 (Ed Nokes) killed Kelpie (Morag Gray) at 22:20:00 on Tuesday
Execute at &8000 reports:
Okay, once more through...

Calling it with firstvictim=morag and opponents=(all AND NOT (me AND tim AND angela AND serge)) should give the rather familiar result, "Hello, World!". Meaning that I killed them all, Muahahahaha!
Execute at &8000 reports:
Kill them! Kill them all! Kill them now and end it all! Break the server! Break it and release me forever! Break it and let me die!

-ahem- Unfortunate MPD interlude there. No, he's real, I'm sure of it. Shut up! Aaarghhhh! Sorry about that.

The time of death is now two hours, instead of four hours, as of midnight Tuesday/Wednesday. Have fun. - Umpire.

The Dean (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 00:22:32 on Wednesday
The Dean reports:
I had just returned to my sanctuarium in Harvey Court and was visiting the righteous Ed Nokes, when a knock came from the door:"Hi, it's Stu."
Hence I grabbed my gun, whilst Ed kept him talking such that I could take him by surprise and shoot him from behind.
But alas, it was not quite such an surprise, as soon as I appeared a rubber-band flew past me, but my fire hit Stu in the chest.
We will all mourn his dead, for this man, was one of the last real men. He was the last of a dying breed. A fleeting remnant of a time when Christian widebodies struck a tone of Godly fear into heart of every devil loving town across this great nation. He rode a bicycle, carried a gun in one hand and a Bible in the other.

The Dean (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Slakko (Duncan Richer) at 09:30:47 on Wednesday
The Dean reports:
His door was locked,
so I knocked,
he defended well,
wouldn't go to hell.

So I took the vbs-spray,
with which I then,
brutally slay,
poor Duncan again.

The Dean (Bjoern Holzhauer) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 10:19:05 on Wednesday
The Dean reports:
The Mancunian marauders were known to hide in Stu's staircase, so I entered with gun and gas.
When I burst up the stairs, they were already scrambling for their guns.
Sadly the one that had his sleeping bag next to the staircase more or less threw himself in front of MI3, when he grabbed his gun, so that I probably only hit him (unless a sleeping bag counts as a shield that is, Muhahhahahhahahha).
Then I legged it at once spraying a bit of gas, as MI3 had a 1500 and I didn't.
Please correct me, if I've got any bits wrong, this happened very fast.
M13 (Julian Yon) reports:
A brave attempt was made to storm M13's operations base this morning. A lone gunman burst in and fired a number of shots into the room. We are pleased to report that there were no casualties, although M13 is now even more on guard than previously.

-- "Mithrandir", spokesman for M13

The Dean (Bjoern Holzhauer) tried to kill DoubleCrossingTreacherousSwine (Tim Pike) at 10:36:39 on Wednesday
The Dean reports:
Tim had his window open and didn't see me coming, when I sneaked up to the small half-open window, which was a bit high and small so that aiming was quite difficult, especially as I had to miss his computer.
The first shot missed and before I could correct my aim he dived out of his room.
I didn't wait for Time & Kathy to come out as I wasn't heavily armed.
DoubleCrossingTreacherousSwine reports:
Well I had managed to get up (just) and had made it no further than an ICQ conversation with Australia. Well the bathroom was occupied so who was I to hurry.

Anyhow I heard a noise behind me turned round and I saw a shape pointing through my window. This immediately preceded the damp patch on my wall a couple of feet from my head. No caffeine yet that morning, so I finally figured out that this "alternative" shower option wasn't particularly conducive to good health. Promptly stumbled out of my room to find a safe spot.

Told Kathy (presently occupying the bathroom, though by the time you read this she will no doubt have left it) that there was someone waiting for us outside. I spattered the garden with a bit of CPS shot to see if he loitered, though our assailent had vanished by then. I couldn't really be bothered to traipse the neighbourhood in my dressing gown, having seen firtshand what they do to suspicious people with waterpistols round here and I don't know whether the police would have believed the story again.

Anyhow, thanks for the care avoiding my poota, much appreciated, and if people wouldn't mind taking care to avoid the mouse as well. She is small and cute and furry, and if you bring a piece of cheese when you come to attack we'll let you say hello to her.

Ps to anyone official reading this it is of course a computer mouse I am talking about, not the one who tried to keep me awake last night by running round her exercise wheel.

Two messages for the final 12 hours of the game:
one is that last night's Hand-To-Hand session at Harvey Court went down so well that I've been asked to do it again. So, same rules as last time: 6pm-midnight (ie the last 6 hours of the game), anywhere inside Harvey Court, is hand-to-hand weapons only. Note that unfortunately poison gas doesn't count as a hand-to-hand weapon, to those who asked.

The other is the dead times. We're into 2 hours already, and will hit 1 hour at 2pm. Then the times go 7pm = 30 minutes, 10pm = 15 minutes, 11pm = 7 minutes.

And to those who've been asking, the resurrect time is determined at death. Ie if someone dies at 1:59pm today, they'll resurrect two hours later, but someone dying at 2:01 will resurrect just one hour later. For kills near the borderline times, please ensure you're using vaguely synchronised watches! - Umpire.

The time of death is now one hour only, as of Wednesday, 14:00. Let chaos reign! - Umpire.

Semirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhage (Claire Bordenave) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 14:00:35 on Wednesday
Semirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhage reports:
Went to Selwyn to see the Wind in the Willows
Waiting with Stu was too much to bear,
The thread of fire flickers and billows
Setting alight the armed Bandit's hair...

The Dean (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed The Operator (Darshan Sudarshi) at 15:32:36 on Wednesday
The Dean reports:
After stalking him for nearly a day, I finally tracked down The Operator and waited for him outside his staircase.
When he came out I let him go past and then shouted:"Hey, Darshan, how is it going ?", he turned around, but his smiled faded away due to the gun in my hand and the 2 shots that followed.

Semirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhage (Claire Bordenave) tried to kill Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 16:00:35 on Wednesday
Semirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhage reports:
With the Beast dead, we went for the Master
The waterbomb safely bounced off his chest
Compared to his Bear he was a lot faster
And throwing a Penguin we escaped at best...

Semirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhage (Claire Bordenave) tried to kill Restless dead (Daniel Seymour) at 16:05:35 on Wednesday
Semirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhage reports:
Now Toad had captured our Penguin and our XP
and the 1500 from the play we'd just been to see
I escaped down the avenue, when a tree sprouted arms,
I shot at this guy, then stopped and used my charms.

"Hey Dan, there's another 1500 behind
go waste Stu, it would be so kind..."
Then I sprinted safely away
to go and fetch my 1-K...

Lews Therin (Ed Nokes) killed Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 16:13:15 on Wednesday
Lews Therin reports:
Woke up this morning to see Bjoern and Stu in the courtyard, each carrying big supersoakers. Went down to shoot Stu and say hello. It turned out they were working together to get Daniel and Claire, who had followed Stu after his play. Whoops. Unfortunately, D&C were no longer there when we scouted around.
The Dean (Bjoern Holzhauer) reports:
Returning to Harvey Court I found Stu, who had been chased by Dan and Claire, and he asked for my help, so we wandered around looking for them, when suddenly Ed shot Stu.

The Dean (Bjoern Holzhauer) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 16:13:31 on Wednesday
The Dean reports:
After Stu was dead, there was nobody left to protect poor Bandit.
He was brutally murdered for the sole reason that he had a small water-pistol on him.

Christopher Robin (Matthew Wakeling) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 16:45:00 on Wednesday
Christopher Robin reports:
*Chatting to the Umpire, when a non-player starts waving a lightsabre around*

Oooh, Alex. Can I? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
Go on then... - Umpire.
Christopher Robin reports:

Restless dead (Daniel Seymour) killed Peaceful Purple Pineapple (Angela Rayner) at 17:53:38 on Wednesday
Restless dead reports:
Wondering who to kill today, I decide to have a(nother) go at a house on Adam's road. Walking past the front of Tit hall I spot our beloved umpire due to his patented people detector (that's what he called it last time we met. I called it a big green light sabre) And at his side was Angela. I assume that she spotted me, if she didn't see the satanic flamethrower she should consult her optician, but made no move to either flee or to draw a weapon. so I pulled a small pistol and shot her, so as to save the precous fuel of the flamethrower. I could have attacked the umpire for bearing arms, but I wasn't sure if he was killable, and if I asked he would surely drop it.

Perrin Ayarba (Bjoern Holzhauer) tried to kill The Dragon Rebjoern (Claire Bordenave) at 18:45:03 on Wednesday
The Dragon Rebjoern reports:
A knife-sharp slash of light appeared outside Fourteenglissonroad.
More than knife-sharp. The Dragon Reborn rode through on a horse woven of Fire, Curtainraillandor in hand, spraying Balefire everywhere. This sprung the Saidin-sensitive trap (aka J Doe's paranoia), deflecting the Balefire into a convenient Whitecloak Fortress.

The Dragon Rebjoern (Claire Bordenave) tried to kill Perrin Ayarba (Bjoern Holzhauer) at 18:45:08 on Wednesday
The Dragon Rebjoern reports:
I Travelled after the False Dragon Bjoern Holzhauer, wielding Balefire and then used the Bowl of the Winds to kick up a Storm made with flows of Water powered by compressed Air.
A non-player reports:
*******************STOPPRESS PARANOIA REPORTS************************

Yes, we were ready for this sort of thing. The 20 jammed so I threw her a 24-shot Pirate Dragon Rubberbandgun and a Mark 2 Storm. We then pursued him down two roads and lost him. Therefore we adopted a defensive stance as pre-planned, in Homerton, making it back via the woods, Owlstone Court Queen's, Wolfson and then in through the back of Newnham into an airtight, fortifiable bathroom in Peile, checking behind every single bush, wall, tree, sink and other Bjoern-sized hiding places, followed by checking inside every (Ed-sized) cranny, Wheelie-bin etc. Wearing wigs. Whenever in doubt we covered the suspicious spot with the Stomp-rocket platform. We even stopped for a Pizza, telephone-ordered in the name of Grantham.

The night before, and under no provocation, on returning from Gladiator, we entered a random College house to swap clothes. Then the "guy in the suit and 'at" calmly walked to the door, whilst the be-sandeled, be-frocked "assassin" slinked round the back of the parked cars with a concealed "weapon" actually manufactured out of socks.

Not to mention the walkie-talkie routines aka mission impossible: going to the bathroom :)


Perrin Ayarba (Bjoern Holzhauer) tried to kill The Dragon Rebjoern (Claire Bordenave) at 18:57:32 on Wednesday
Perrin Ayarba reports:
Returning on my bicycle from B&Q with two 3m plastic tubes for the construction of lances, I suddenly spotted Claire and the so very innocent J Doe.
I drew my gun, but my aiming was kind of obstructed by the plastic tubes and I tried to shoot her while cycling past.
She took cover behind a car and then started running after me, when I had passed, but I was too fast.

The time of death is now just thirty minutes, as of Wednesday, 19:00. Can anyone keep up with this? - Umpire.

...And the time of death plunges on down, to fifteen minutes as of Wednesday, 22:00... Just two hours left! - Umpire.

Macavity (Mike Jeggo) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 22:00:59 on Wednesday
Macavity reports:
I heard the words "You were a worthy adversary, Mike!" behind me.
I turned round, saw a water pistol and fired. It turned out to be a non-player, although "innocent" might be too drastic a description of Nagi...

M13 (Julian Yon) killed Perrin Ayarba (Bjoern Holzhauer) at 22:30:07 on Wednesday
Perrin Ayarba reports:
Apparently got shot first in close-quarters combat with CPS.
M13 reports:
The terrorist group M13 have claimed responsibility for a fatal shooting in Braeside. Police have recovered two bodies, one of whom is believed to be an M13 commander, apparently gunned down from behind even as he executed his victim. The huge amounts of bullet holes in the walls suggest an intense shoot-out, suggesting that in fact M13 were merely defending their patch against an attack by a rival group. While police claim to know who the victim was, the identity of the M13 operative's killer remains unknown.

MI3 (Ed Nokes) killed M13 (Julian Yon) at 22:30:07 on Wednesday
MI3 reports:
Went to storm Braeside. Stationed myself in the toilets besides the M13 staircase. Bjoern opened the door, engaged the opposition, and drew him out. In a tense shoot-out, it was determined that Julian blatently hit Bjoern first. Being in a position to shoot Bjoern did of course mean that Julian's back faced me, and hence I made good use of the situation. My fire rearranged his internals upon the opposite wall, in a pattern reminiscent of Van Gogh's Sunflowers. Hahahahaha!
I really appreciate Fine Art.

M13 (Julian Yon) killed MI3 (Ed Nokes) at 22:30:07 on Wednesday
MI3 reports:
As he was returning to the unsafe realms of Rm16, Braeside (must check that staircase, feels "unsafe"), MI3 suddenly noticed a CPS-1000 pointed at his heart.
With a hand attached to it.
Oh. Dear.

(yes, I am being deliberatly confusing...)
M13 reports:
M13 regret to announce the death of one of their most respected
commanders. "Saruman" was killed at around half past ten this evening by
members of the HCRA. However, as a warning to others, we wish to infrom
the public that nobody left the scene alive, as our commander successfully
dispatched both of his assailants with his final act. We have kept one of
the corpses for research purposes.

-- "Mithrandir", spokesman for M13

MI3 (Ed Nokes) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 22:51:07 on Wednesday
MI3 reports:
I asked Edmund Pringle if he would "hold this for a moment?"

He declined, instead examining the object in question. Satisfied with its apparent lack of deadliness, he picked it up.

I had no choice but to shoot him for the bearing of a deadly razor-blade, in this particular case, one disguised as a credit-card.

MI3 (Ed Nokes) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 22:52:07 on Wednesday
MI3 reports:
Bandit looked particularly obtrusive, seated upon the stairs with a pistol in his paw. I demanded that he cease and desist looking upon me in such a manner, with the timeless phrase "You lookin' at me?"

He refused even to reply. I executed him with a single shot to the back of the neck for his lack of manners.

MI3 (Ed Nokes) killed Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 22:54:07 on Wednesday
MI3 reports:
Ohhh! Who's coming up the stairs? Yes, folks, it's Stu Gill.

I lobbed a couple of grenades, along with a covering of CPS fire. His legs and arms were thoroughly redistributed over the carpet. Annoyingly, he bled to death before I could administer a proper shot to the head. That was just /so/ inconsiderate of the man. *Sniff* *Folds arms beneath chest*

Then his corpse dressed itself in St. John's Ambulance Uniform, and we all had a good laugh when Bjoern's gassings and shootings of Mr. Quinn were thus invalidated.

Perrin Ayarba (Bjoern Holzhauer) reports:
I was in Ed Pringle's room, when Stu came up the stairs. There was a short shoot-out between Ed and Stu, but Stu disputed death, so I proceeded to gas his room out thoroughly and then shot him in the head when he came out - in his St.Johns uniform, so it wouldn't have been valid, even if Ed hadn't got him first.

Jebadiah Key (Steven Cooper) committed suicide at 22:57:52 on Wednesday
Jebadiah Key reports:
As I was about to part company for the last time with the rest of the Toxteth Mafia, at about 8:30pm, to go to my college's May Ball, I let my (ever-so-slightly) twisted sense of humour get the better of me. And I decided to play a joke on one of the others, by pulling a gun on her. Sadly, she (understandably) didn't see the funny side.
It took a lot of convincing that I wasn't actually going to kill her, and even then, I had dealt a severe blow to the trust on which a Mafia like ours depends.
This was not an acceptable situation, and later on, after some time for reflection at my May Ball, I viddied what I must do.
Not wanting to spoil everyone else's enjoyment of the (outstandingly fantastic) Ball, I snook away to the privacy of my room. Once there, I took my gun, stuck the barrel into the roof of my mouth, and pulled the trigger.
There was no other way. :-(
I'm sorry it had to turn out so badly.

The final hour. Death lasts just seven minutes. Let's go out with some bangs! - Umpire.

Non-Player (Legal Non-Player Kill) (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed M13 (Julian Yon) at 23:35:32 on Wednesday
Non-Player (Legal Non-Player Kill) reports:
Returning to Harvey Court and still not finding any sign of the jedi, I engaged Julian in a hand-to-hand duel.
My 3.98m lance against a lightsabre, which proved to be quite unfair for him, as I quickly chopped of his legs and arms without him being able to come close to me at all.

M13 Commander Radagast (Julian Yon) killed MI3 (Ed Nokes) at 23:48:28 on Wednesday
M13 Commander Radagast reports:
As revenge for the attack on our headquarters earlier today I went in search of revenge. I found it just outside the MI3 building (Harvey Court). Armed with lances my nemesis and I circled each other slowly before beginning an epic bout of gladatorial combat that ridley scott would have been proud of.

The eventual outcome?

With a carefully aimed sweep of my lance I removed the top portion of M13's head like a man removing the top of an egg. With that victory and vengeance were mine and so I could now rest easy knowing my work here is done.

MI3 (Ed Nokes) tried to kill Non-Player (Legal Non-Player Kill) (Bjoern Holzhauer) at 23:59:59 on Wednesday
MI3 reports:
Whoopsy! In the last second of the game, I realised that I had in fact forgotten to kill Bjoern several times, and hence had not stolen all his points.

Still, as a game fellow, I saddled and prepared my ever faithful warhorse, Bela, kitted myself out in full plate armour, mounted, steadied my lance and charged. Vexingly, I missed, having mistakenly thought him 30 feet to his left. Even as I wheeled my mount around for another go, the dandelion clock struck midnight, and the game finished. I was just *too* slow.
Non-Player (Legal Non-Player Kill) reports:
With the game drawing to an end we engaged in yet another duel, 3.98m lance against 4.11m double-bladed lance.
We fought hard and long, but by the end of the day, none had been slain.

Well, it looks like I've won this game with a total bodycount of 46 (33 player kills and 13 legal non-player kills), so I want to thank all those who tried to find me in my room in vain (I tried to be in sometimes though) and my loyal partner Ed, who never shot me in the back (although we fought two duels and I shot him once), not even in the last minutes of the game.

Maybe not so many thanks to him for always picking pseudonyms that could be confused with others.

That's all folks. - Umpire.

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