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Friday 17 November

Etienne Chatenay is wanted for murder!

Ahh paranoia, mother of all safety, but also of some regrettable errors.

I heard someone standing and talking just outside my room, I immediately grabbed a gas mask, my Guerlain mass killing gas/perfume opened the door and gassed the bystander, unfortunately he was a perfectly innocent friend of one of my neighbors.

Now I deserve the wanted list, twice, once for this and once for reaching this stage of the game with only two victims on my records, Cops I beg you do your job and come after me,, i've been dying for it.

Last year after such taunts directed to the police force I was killed less than 15 minutes later, 5 minutes before a Pub Truce.

Judge Wiggum, I am waiting for you.....

Etienne Chatenay didn't have to wait very long before Judge Wiggum passed sentence.

I am consuming a choco-ration in front of the interactive telescreen, when I suddenwise discover something of importance:

wiggum@kern:~$ cat /hdb/home/mwl25/assassins/wanted.html |grep -v /hdb/home/~wiggum/assassins/wanted.old
  Etienne Lord Denning Chatenay, Christs, Rm 4/2 - Water with care
  Wanted for murder of an innocent.

As a goodthinking judge working closely with thinkpol and MiniLuv I know other goodthinkful people in the law departement, who suggested in the past that Lord Denning has crimethinked about fleeing from Oceania to Eurasia, where he wants to ownlife. That needs further checking:

wiggum@kern:~$ cat passengerlists.txt |grep Paris |grep Stansted |grep Chatenay
  Chatenay, Etienne J L booked for UK2278 London (STN) to Paris (CDG) departure:18:40 arrival:20:50
wiggum@kern:~$ cat coachtimes.txt |grep Stansted |grep Cambridge |grep 15:
  jl757 Cambridge to Stansted Airport departure:15:00 arrival:15:40
  nx747 Cambridge to Stansted Airport departure:15:30 arrival:16:15
  jl797 Cambridge to Stansted Airport departure:15:30 arrical:16:15
wiggum@kern:~$ date
  Fri Nov 17 15:29:33 GMT 2000
wiggum@kern:~$ logout
  connection to thinkpol server closed

I bellyfeel he has to be stopped. I grab an automatic pistol and the rocket launcher provided to me by MiniPax, speedwise run out of my house and across Parker's Piece into Drummer Street, but I can't see any bus at the correct bay - it must be gone already. His wantedness was a misreport then, as it would be crimethought to assume he escaped thinkpol.

Wait, isn't that the doubleplusoldthinkful Etienne sitting on that bench over there amongst some members of the youth league?

I duckspeak:"Comrade Etienne Chatenay, on behalf of Ingsoc and in the name of the people of Oceania, I hereby sentence you to death. The sentence is to be carried out now."
Judge and executioner in one, I shoot him as punishment for his murder and then use up all of my ammunition on him for his taunting of the police force. Crimethought just doesn't pay off.

Due to current orders from MiniPlenty I can't waste the flight ticket, so I chop him into pieces, put him into his suitcase, glue the ticket onto the outside and write the address of his family onto it. They'll get him back eventually unless the suitcase is kept for too long at the customs and they start smelling something.

Well done Etienne, that was a whole twenty minutes longer than last time... :-)

Tion had a miraculous escape from a devlishly cunning letterbomb:

An interesting CD case was left in my p'hole this morning. I was carefully lifting it out when a small flap fell down with 'mail bomb' written on it. Unsure wether this was a warning or the detonation (think guns with those flag things saying bang) I left it to tick while getting on with some nessisary work. This evening I carried out a controlled explosion and upon examining the pieces still had no idea how the thing was supposed to work and so handed it on to the umpire (who should as an associate of the maker be more clued up). He demonstrated conclusively that it had failed to detonate entirely probably due to the actions of my guardian angel ( St Mary killed by an earlier attempt right at the beginning of term). I suppose I come under the heading of 'first time lucky'.

Party Next Week:

There will be a party next Saturday (the 25th) in the Umpire's room (college authorities willing...) See the social events page for more details.

Saturday 18th November

Duncan Ribbons has been electrocuted whilst playing with a kite in a thunderstorm. Rumours of his death being a matter of divine retribution are best left unspoken.

Only three players left...

Sunday 19 November

Psycosix escaped death from a mailbomb:

A letter bomb arrived for me today. It was deeply suspicious, claiming to contain 'important examination documents'. On top was a boots card of some sort in a little holder. Having been warned both by an informant of 'dubious' origin (and by Tion about a cd bomb) I approached it carefully. I removed the boots card and saw underneath a damaged area of envelope where presumably a name label had been (It may also have been there as additional weight). I felt the envelope carefully and realizing it was not flat I pressed it down to keep the detonator closed and reached underneath to remove the offending item. Diffusion at this point was successful and I placed the detonator inside the handily provided boots card holder, separate from the envelope. I then opened the envelope to see what was inside if it would give any clue as to who was responsible for this reasonable but unsuccessful attempt on my life. (the envelope claimed to come from Tion but she has had ample oportunity to kill me in person if she wanted to and she wouldn't inform me it was her unless she was sure it would work - she had just warned me about mailbombs you know)
Anyway the envelope contained a piece of card (presumably for weight) one end of which was covered in yellow powder (But I was wearing gloves you know). I put the detonator and card down on the side in the porters lodge to remove the gloves and such at which point a first year friend of mine entered. Feeling smug I was explaining to her about the letter bomb and she was looking at the detonator mechanism when it went off. I'd forgotten to remove the cap. Bollocks.
Alas the death was due to the foolishness of a first year and my own stupidity through a failed letterbomb. Gosh and darn.

Thus Andrew Psycosix Shepherd is now wanted for the death of an innocent.

Wanted PC Dirty Harry taunts his law abiding comrades:

Seeing that I am the only one left on the wanted list...I suggest that the coppers come and get me. Unlike the unwelcome reception I gave the last cop that visited me, this time I will be a much better host. I will be sure to offer threats and serve a helpful round of bullets ha ah ah Do you feel lucky? Well do ya punk?
Go on, go ahead make my day......

PC 'I am the Law' Dirty Harry
Note: My comp is in direct line with the door so dont mess it up.

Monday 20 November

Tuesday 21 November

Tion remotely detonated a suspicious device on her door:

The trusty contorlled explosion gained a new use today.

I'm unsure if you are aware of this but New Hall split singles are designed for playing assasins. They have double walls, built in bomb shelters and overhanging balconys from which to drop bricks on anyone coming in the door. Most importantly however they have an Escape Hatch. This morning I was enjoying a civilised breakfast with my father (full points for not bursting in and watering the room, he's much fiercer and scarier than I am and would Not have been amused) when my faithful minion knocked on my door and informed me through it that my assassin (discribed as having a sinister lisp) and a mysterious blonde had left a bomb outside.
Not particularly bright at that time in the morning I left via the escape hatch, hoisting my father into a place of safty and carrying some useful arminants. The bomb was ingeneous but I was too short of time to examine it and difuse it in a cunning manner as I had lectures. So I decided on the tried and tested controlled explosion. The dears had helpfully put the blast radius on the bomb allowig me to caculate a safe distance. Another feature of assassin friendly new hall is the wide hall outside my room. Standing at least 7 metres back and thus well out of range I cleared the area and then tossed a grenade before ducking behind the fridge. I needn't have bothered the 5 metre-ish blast scarcely ruffeled my hair.

The elusive Pam paid a visit to Tion:

This is the problem with setting a duel truce: my cowardly opponents just hide.
A friend (Mary) warned them on her mobile when we arrived at her corridor and mentioned something about us having a long wait.
We waited a short while to see if they would try what they did to Ed. Unfortunately, they didn't return, so I thought 'what the hell' and left a small amount of contact poison on her doorhandle and other assorted places. Doubt it'll get her, but it has to be worth it for the last few hours.
It seems they returned at about 8.20. (We left about half an hour earlier.)

I've never been wanted before.
Guess I'd best hide in my room. I would hide in the toilet, but it doesn't lock properly: I'd be a sitting duck.

Tion explains:

The ralph person came to visit and refused to give his name when asked. The hatch was delayed for 1/2 an hour by which time he had left and so could not fight me face to face. (Mathmos! huh! no staying power). He had cowedly poisoned my door handle and the light opposite, unfortunatly as I was inside I didn't use the outside handle, my friend did, after finding something slimey on the light. So that is two of my dearest friends poisoned and he is safe as the truce is so soon. (Unless you feel like informing the near indefagnible Judge Wiggum, although I'm sure he's washing his hair and thus unable this time to help, much as he'd like to.)
Oh well only 3 and 1/2 hours to go and lots of food and books in my room,

For this despicable act, Ralph Pam Owen is now WANTED!

Executioner Wiggum was prevented from carrying out his duty:

I was sitting at my computer ytalking to the umpire and I told him Pam was in my house. Upon that Matt informed me that the eviiil Pam was actually wanted and that I should kill him.
That was most unhelpful though, seeing as selfsame criminal was just looking at the screen over my shoulder.
I dived for my gun and while in flight, I was hit into my left arm by Pam's throwing knife, but I rolled over on the ground, grabbed my weapon and shot both of his legs, before diving out of the room.
I then told him:"Now you've got to hop on one leg for the rest of the game." Only then did I realised I shouldn't have shot both legs then.

Of course it would have been best, if I had actually hit any vital bits. Hence I returned inside to correct this fact, but alas he had rolled the demolition ball he was sitting on towards the door (which did not require his legs, good balancing on his part) and stabbed all my arms and legs with his sharpened tea spoon, thus rendering me helpless.
He then took care of his wounds, while taunting me a bit and then left without finishing the job.
I shall kill him for this tomorrow, would be my normal reaction to this incident. But alas, the duel truce is in 2 hours, so he'll probably get away with it.

Executioner Wiggum was identified as being present at the failed contact poisoning earlier today. For this he is wanted for corruption. In recognition for his sterling service though, he will be terminated with care and consideration by his commanding officer. Dave Hammond.

Executioner Wiggum shot Dave Hammond in self defence

After an eventful evening, which had included the participation in a raid on New Hall, where we had hoped to apprehend Psycosix and where Pam had been a bit vicious (I reeeaaallly tried to talk him out of contact poisoning all those places, normally he really does the opposite of what I tell him to do.), I had returned home and got myself some food from a nearby supermarket.
Upon arrival in my house I saw my friend Ed's room open, but I decided to go to my room first, where I then discovered I was wanted and that Ed had joined the police (Let me guess why - that evil traitor.).
I decided to go to his room and he asked me to hold some cables for him that he handed to me. I had the slight suspicion he might intend to electrocute me, seeing as he had seemed somewhat obsessive with accusing me of intending to do that to someone and hence he would probably think it ironic if he killed me that way.
I therefore did not touch the blank metal bit of the wire, which as I found out later saved my life.
I then tried to place weapons in his way so that he'll have to pick them up to get on with his work, but he just ignored them, that being even more suspicious.
When I finally decided to leave, he came rushing after me with his light-sabre glowing fiercely. Somehow the force abandoned him though, as he couldn't deflect the hail of fire that greeted him, when he came into my line of fire.
He got all he deserved: a violent and brutal death.

Executioner Wiggum nuked the other Dave Hammond

I had just killed Dave Hammond's evil stunt-double and returned to my room, when someone rang my door bell. That someone's identity was confirmed to be the real Dave Hammond come to kill me.
Upon hearing this the umpire then sent me an instant message saying:"cool, kill him!" (Er... I was probably overtired or something - Umpire)
So after some exchange of fire through the letter box, I grabbed my missile launcher and climbed out of the licensed Dave Hammond's window, a move that the actual Dave Hammond had anticipated.

He was waiting outside behind his armoured assault vehicle (that is a wheely bin) and slowly rolled it towards me.
His cover was clearly superior and he wasn't bearing weapons, so I kept backing away from the intimidating attack as to not allow hand to hand combat. Pushing the assault vehicle ahead of him, the thruthful Dave Hammond was a bit slower than me, so he couldn't come too close.

In the meantime the officially known Dave Hammond arrived in order to watch our fight. Then suddenly the live Dave Hammond made his move throwing a knife at me and firing the onboard cannon of his tank, but didn't hit me. My my heat-signature-seeking exorcet missile though hit both him and his vehicle punching through the armour and ripping the now dead Dave Hammond apart.
I just love these missiles.

Chief of Canine Division Wowbagger files his ultimate report:
I had just returned from doing my rounds (which mysteriously went through several drinking establishments), when the police radio perked up and announced that Wiggum had been spotted handling illicit substances, and I'd better get down here quickly because... arrgh ... splat (radio went dead). Having long suspected his involvement in the illicit donut trafficing trade, I called up the vice department and headed off to the squad car.

Vice squad informed me that the substances Wiggum had been handling were of the special sort that make you impervious to gunfire after 23:59:59. Convenient that, especially as the car's clock read 23:30:15. Hence, I decided employ the standard driving procedures to get there on time. Lights and siren were unnecessary, as they drained vital battery power, and swerving for pedestrians would only slow me down. The brake pedal is also A Bad Thing (tm). Doing my bit for the care in the community scheme, therefore, I eliminated several careless (and unsuspecting) jaywalkers on the way, as well as culling some stray dogs which had previously refused to "volunteer" for the canine division.

Arriving at the suspect's premises, I engaged him in some light conversation for a couple of minutes, before opening fire through the letter box. We did this for a while - until 23:55:00 - at which point Wiggum disappeared. I noted that his door-lock was standard police-issue - ie. had 60 possible combinations, but was very fiddly. Hence I decided to test the integrity of the lock and got to combination #37 before realising I wouldn't have enough time (in retrospect, I should have tried to bribe it - it probably would have accepted Switch). So I looked for the back entrance.

On the way around the house, however, I noticed that Wiggum had carelessly left the squad's APC in the yard, cunningly disguised as a wheelie-bin. I entered the vehicle, before spotting Wiggum coming out of a window. I decided that now would be a good time to give him some instruction in driving it (turn until target is in headlights, floor accelerator), which provided some light entertainment (and encouraged him to do some fitness training for once). Unfortunately, I learnt to my horror that Wiggum had stashed his entire supply of illicit donuts in the APC, thus slowing it to an unacceptable speed, and allowing the evil donut-smuggler to keep his distance.

At this point, a spectral figure appeared from the dark behind me, holding a glowing lightsabre. Annoyingly, this was not Obi-Wan come to the rescue, but instead the departed shade of my stunt-double, Dave Hammond, who did his best to distract me. I referred to the first rule of the Highway Code, namably not to bother looking in the mirror unless you intend to cut someone up, and hence largely ignored him.

Being unable to introduce Wiggum to the underside of APC's tracks, I decided to test-fire it's 50mm shell riot cannon instead (the pansy water cannon was removed soon after purchase). Unfortunately, this meant lowering the front riot-shield to see where to aim - presenting Wiggum with a nice hole to fire his rockets through.

Ah well, at least his donuts went up in flames too.

All three of the surviving assassins have agreed on a duel, so a truce is in place from 23:59:59 tonight. No more killings may take place. The game is now paused.

Wednesday 22 November

The duel will take place at 3pm on Saturday 25 November on the roof of Cripps court, Queens. The top floor will also be used, but as no water or messy weapons. Spectators are welcome, but try not to upset Queens' porters by bringing bagfulls of weapons.

The three duelists are:

Index * Week 1 * Week 2 * Week 3 * Week 4 * Week 5 * Week 6 * Duel