I received a fairly disturbing email today, containing the following:
"He moves without sound
Kills without emotion
Disappears without trace"...
We decided to put this theory to the test.
On opening the door to his room and discovering it chock full of assassins, Leon's scream echoed around the halls of Sidney. He died in extreme fear, and left the floor spattered with blood from multiple knife, lightsabre and bullet wounds.
After the first successful sortie against Leon, the Research team attempted to stage follow-up experiments on five further targets; however, none of those honoured enough to be selected were present at their predesignated locations.
The "Research team" appeared to consist of Necroneko, The Wooden Spoon, and The Masked Man Light.
There are 15 players left in the game, 9 of which are wanted, 8 of which are incompetent. Therefore, as the game seems to be going at the moment, on Tuesday morning there will only be 7 players left. There will be a duel either when there are less than five players, or when the remaining players agree to have a duel, or when the end of term threatens.
PC PCTCP has been unsuspended. It turns out the chap he shot was bearing a cosh.
PC Easy Target took out The Artiste today in reasonable style:
This morning, I was informed by Andrew "Artiste" Thornton that he was going to be on the incompetents list and that he really should kill me to survive. I was most disturbed by this threat, so I looked at the news and found that he was indeed on the incompetents list - and that I could be a sitting duck.
I met him again at dinner, and again he gave me a death threat. Big words, no action, and I calmly got a knife out of my pocket and plunged it through his back. I regret killing him in public, but a policeman has to defend himself. If he had been a decent assassin, none of this sorry story would have happened. Also, to my dismay, my knife now has a large dent in it, making it completely useless.
Let it be known that I do not take death threats very well. Let it also be known that giving death threats personally to a policeman is a very silly thing to do...
The incompetent reports:
I report from beyond the grave to tell you how I died today: Mentioning to a policeman you're on the incompetance list is not necessarily a good idea even if your gun is in your pocket. So halfway through my meal mad bastard Ashley Lane comes towards me with knife, I struggle to find my gun and hence die.
Let me see - how did this start? Well, probably the first indication of any trouble was when I received this at the end of an email from Tigger:
within ten minutes or so you should be able to put me up for cop womping
The second indication anything had gone wrong I suppose was when PC Harland Quinn knocked on my door, and reported that he had just been shot in the shoulder by a mad psycho, who had then chased the Chief of Police in the general direction of Trinity with a large gun. I also received the following from Marek Isalski:
Tim Pike tried to kill Stu Gill. Unfortunately, Pike isn't a very good shot. I found Stu slightly shaken and bleeding from a shoulder, but otherwise he was unhurt. He directed me through immediate first aid and then, bravely, he went to speak to the Umpire about the incident.
The Bastard Operator From Hell
Stu "Harland Quinn" Gill's right arm
Stood around outside Tit Hall waiting for Sheila to be done with their warped and twisted ways. Well who should emerge? (Rhetorical question). Blasted at him as I started running. Saw lots of blood and messy bits, unfortunately it was only his arm, well he now matches Bandit.
But the purpose of ambushing Sheila was to get more than one police officer. For instance, our own Chief of Police
On leaving Trinity Hall main entrance with most of the Sheila and her Dog Society at 10.35 tonight, I noticed a shady figure who I identified as Kathy Brazier pop her head from around the corner. Having noticed this, she and her boyfriend Tim Pike emerged and approached the group.
At this point I started to leg it in the other direction. As I fled down Garrett Hostel Lane, I heard the screams of PC Gill as Tim Pike gunned him down and turning briefly I saw the aforementioned butcherer begin in pursuit.
Weighed down by a heavy bag, containing my weapon which I had not time to produce, I continued to run but could not outrun my assailant. On reaching Garrett Hostel bridge, I felt a strangely warm sensation as the contents, and indeed all, of my head made a nice addition to Garrett Hostel Bridge.
Ah well, such is death.
And from the psycho:
Started giving chase as he was spurred on by Eve (hence didn't stop for HQ's other arm). Kathy and Eve started taking bets on who was going to die. It was the kind and loving, oh yes and fluffy, CoP. *snigger snigger* He is also known as the "Queen of all Bounce" to his friends.
The victim's distraught girlfriend (Eve) reports:
Outside tonight's Sheila and her Dog meeting, we saw two shady characters lying in wait. Tom's trusting nature was his downfall as for a few fatal seconds he hesitated, ready to say a friendly hello to his former allies; then their dastardly intentions became clear and Tom fled, hotly pursued. Normally able to outrun a speeding bicycle, he was ironically weighed down by a backpack full of artillery and had no time to turn and draw. By the time I arrived at the scene, he lay broken and bleeding, his body riddled with bullets. With his last trembling breath he whispered, 'Tigger...'
I strenuously deny the rumours about the whereabouts of Tom's corpse. The trail of red drops leading from Garret Hostel Bridge in the direction of my house was made by a leaking ketchup lorry. Honest.
And of course, in the definitive Harland Quinn style, we have a report from him and the Chief of Police:
As The Bandit and I left Trinity Hall,
With the Chief of Police right behind me...
Two familiar faces jumped out from round the corner,
And started to fire at us blindly.
The Chief started running as I stood my ground,
And Tigger took off in chase.
And as Tigger ran he let off a shot,
But forgot to check the entry place.
Despite his best efforts at shooting at me,
And letting off bullets quite numerous,
I'm thankful to say, despite being unarmed,
I escaped with a shattered left humerus.
So confirming I'd lived with some bystanders and such,
To Addies I decided to go,
I'll survive to shoot with my remaining arm,
But with my left arm kills are no go.
Between us, that is the Bandit and I,
We'll seek revenge properly armed,
But being good police, and a friendly old chap,
I'll see only Tigger is harmed.
I am pleased to hear my friend is alive,
Thinking him dead at the hands of that scum.
For I had fled down Garrett Hostel Lane,
Trying to avoid being shot in the bum.
I ran down that lane as fast as I could,
Though the weight of my bag was great.
If only I had taken my gun from it sooner,
I might not be nearly so late.
At last at the bridge I could run no more,
I had been caught up by the nefarious Tigger.
He ran faster than me, there's no doubt about that,
And he proved it by pulling the trigger.
So now my corpse lies overlooking the Cam,
And I can enforce law and justice no more.
But I have faith in my police force to avenge my death,
And I'm sure that they'll settle the score.
Tigger visited a few other police today as well. First - PC John "The Fellraven" Harvey:
Found in Fitz bar (not in his room to had to try somewhere). Shot in the back. The rest of the people drinking with him sniggered. Pondered on leaving whether it was PC James "Seth" Green drinking quietly in the corner. Decided to leave before it got messy.
Next up - PC Jack Whelpton:
Having dropped in on him once this term to see how his career as an assassin was getting on. Not too well we discovered (shortly after killing him). I dropped by again much the same tactics as before only this time the door was open. This cop mashing is so taxing.
The list goes on:
Killed Ed "Bloke" Parcell + innocent (oops, I might get wanted for that)
Another Trinity cop. Three in a row. Knocked on door and blew him away. Oh yes and the friend who was there as well. It was so much easy to shoot and then figure out which one was supposed to be spattered all over the walls. Naughty me I killed an innocent.
Killed James "Seth" Green.
Returned to Fitz with some poison gas. Heavily gassed out his room, before wandering over to find the body of my previous effort. The corpse confirmed that it was James "Seth" Green sat quietly in the corner of the bar. Whilst talking to corpse who should drop by? (Another rhetorical question). Ummmm gun in pocket, pocket didn't really want to let go of gun, uh-oh. He missed. He only had one shot. He was chased down.
PC Seth reports:
Oooops I'm dead, by the hand of a certain Tigger. I saw the criminal and readied my weapon however before I was ready to use it he saw me and started to draw his weapon. I realised his weapon was superior to mine so I fired mine on the off chance it would hit, it didn't so I started running. He ran faster and now I'm dead. Also when I got back to my room it was full of poison gas.
And finally, he kills his own girlfriend (PC Unicorn), seconds after she comes out of hospital.
He mashed me too, and all for the sake of half a bottle of wine (well, he had to agree to share it with me first.) All wet now, muttermuttermutter.
She should be back on the police list by now, well she can be listed at the bottom with those other poor individuals. Squidgy mess everywhere. It's going to take hours to clear up.
Not a bad evening's work. PC Étienne Chatenay I believe I am now in the lead for that bottle of wine.
Why do I feel I am on the wanted list? Why do I feel the need for paranoia?
I can't imagine. My goodness, the things one will do for half a bottle of wine.
Tigger finishes off the wounded policeman PC Harland Quinn:
In the Art School I stood, from eight-forty a.m.,
With my left arm tied up in a sling. (no really)
But with no sign of the Tigger, by nine-zero-four,
I procceded to a lecture type thing.
Again I returned at nine-fifty-four,
But the scoundrel escaped once again,
So with my arm still in pain, and my bandage blood-stained,
I went off to my lecture at ten.
From there I meandred from Mill Lane to town,
And on Trumpington Street he arose,
Well, just outside Corpus, whatever the road is,
I'm not sure how far King's Parade goes.
Anyways, I attacked him, but the cowardly cad,
Ducked behind a some innocent bloke,
Still, I got a shot at him, it missed him I fear,
Though it made a nice hole in his cloak.
With the wind in my face I let out some more shots,
But my bullets were retarded and lame,
He drew his gun and shot me square in the head,
He's been apparently working on his aim.
Not satisfied at that, he then shot my friend,
The Bandit was shot in the head.
So there we both lay, on the cold paving floor,
Both cold, both one armed and both dead
PC Beowulf was visited by Tigger this morning:
Monday morning, PC Beowulf is washing his policey face in his sink when, oh what is this? A knock on his door! Goodness, he thinks, a visitor, how exciting. He dries his face to go and open the door. Yet, put on guard by an unfamiliar voice calling "Tom, are you there?", Beowulf opens his door but stays behind it the whole while, so as to leave whomsoever is behind the door looking not at him, but his room. Having just opened the door, Beowulf was surprised to see a bullet fly through the doorway and embede itself into his desk. PC Beowulf, not too impressed by both this attempt and the fact he was mistaken for his desk (we're not all that similar looking), didn't bother to see who this naughty scamp and accomplice were, he simply closed the door whilst saying "nearly" (this was to stop them feeling so bad and was a thoughtful gesture).
PC Beowulf has since stated that had he been wearing his shoes at the time, he would have given chase by golly, but the head start proved too much (oh for velcro fastening shoes) and all that was left to do was pick out the bullet for forensic testing.
It seems more than likely that this was the work of head naughty fella Tigger (gosh darn his naughty hide)
I'm not sure chasing would have done that much good. Tigger runs fast.
Finally, the evil reign of Ping comes to an end, courtesy of PC Étienne Chatenay and PC Woland:
Ping is dead i have killed her with PC woland who will report later, i hope this will redeem her.
PC Woland also told me that police was looking for its new chief, i think i could be quite good at this job.
I also attempted to kill Tigger but was unsuccessful, he thinks lots of psychos can still beat him for that bottle of wine, which by the way is beaujolais nouveau.
PC Woland sent this in:
So at last, it's done. Cambridge is now rid off one of its most dangerous criminal, the infamous Ping. She found death just outside her very own room after having tried to trap us. At about 6.15pm this evening we managed to get inside her staircase. Silently, we headed to her room, guns in hands. We decided to adopt a strategic position so that she would have no chance to escape. I then knocked to her door and waited for a few seconds.
"Come in", she presomptuously answered, probably thinking that this was going to be a piece of cake to eliminate us. After checking she had not trapped the door (which she hadn't) I entered. "No water pistol". Right, i put it beside the sink, holding my faithful capgun instead. Then I slowly entered the rest of the room. I suddenly realised that this was a split-level room, and had just the time to shoot the person who threatened me from upstairs, pretending to be Ping. The accomplice (for it was one of them-yes, she had corrupted all her neighbours...) then fall from the first floor, deadly breaking her neck. I then saw another figure and presumed that this was Ping. I shot several time and I then heard a noise behind me. Then I received a shock on the shoulder. I turned quickly, firing my cap gun one last time. This was Ping behind holding several knives. She had used a system of balconies which allowed her to go to any room on her floor. She had just throw two of them to Étienne and me. Unfortunately,she had absolutely no accuracy and completely missed Étienne, who instantly shot her several times in the head, scattering her brain and blood all around the place... We just took some more minutes to wash our clothes from her organic rests in her very own sink, before leaving the place and letting a word for the housekeeping departement of New Hall.
They'll probably need a few hours to wash all this mess.
Étienne has been appointed Chief of Police, and PC Woland is no longer corrupt.
Necroneko and Macavity are both dead. Macavity reports:
Curiosity killed the cats (both of them)
Where curiosity = Tiny Tim.
Necroneko's second life told this tale:
I /hate/ getting wet!
*sits down at keyboard delicately and prods keys with her paws*
*a sad story emerges...*
After a pleasant evening spent falling asleep in the arms of whoever she ended up dancing with, Neko wanted only to get back to her room and to work so she could get to sleep at a reasonable hour (like, 3:30, for example). As she left the building in the company of Macavity and another innocent, she knew something was not right. But after peering around, nothing could be seen. Her room and bed beckoned.....
...as did Death, at the hands of Tiny Tim.
With a SUPERSOAKER *ggrrrrrr*
NecroNeko would like to request assassins to please try not to shoot her in the ear as it is very uncomfortable.
*disdainful glare Harvey Court-wards*
The killer reports:
I had a tip off that my nemesis Macavity went dancing at a certain time tonight. A little internet search gave his webpage and revealed which sort of dancing. A further search turned up the Cambridge Dancing Club website and gave the exact time and location - even a little map!
Necroneko was also rumored to be present and since she'd been sighted outside my room too, I decided to kill two birds with one gun. (Except they're cats - Umpire)
I lurked outside the hall for twenty minutes until they finally came out. The thing that identified them was their conversation:
Necroneko: "What're we doing tomorrow?"
Macavity: "We're going to New Hall to kill that girl"
Macavity (looking through the hole in his chest): "Oh, no we're not"
Macavity was very nice about his demise, and I'd like to apologise for getting water in Necroneko's ear.
Necroneko has requested to be put on the police force.
Omnipotence is fun. Last night, I was playing around with local variations in the gravitational constant, which unfortunately resulted in the following six incompetents collapsing inwards to form a black hole each:
There are only three players left - Tim Pike (Tigger), Matthew Laycock (Tiny Tim), and Alex Churchill (The Masked Man's Light Side). Therefore, I have called a truce until a time and place for a duel can be agreed on. Watch this space