The wanted criminal Étienne Chatenay shows some promise:
Attack is the best defence, knowing that I am wanted for killing a cop I decided that i had to take some preventive actions to stay alive
PCTCP killing record is very scary, he is (was) the best cop so far that is to say the biggest danger for me given my assassins lazyness, therefore i had no choice but to go to harvey court again, say hello to my last victim and trap PCTCP door with my hemp based contact poison, i knocked on his door hoping to see his face while ending his killing streak but he was not there.
PCs beware i am really enjoying killing cops
Unfortunately, it got the wrong person. Dead PC Dirty Harry sent this in:
Today, I got killed again - twas necrocide this time, as I was already slain three times.
Contact poison brought painful death to me, when I came along to PC PCTCP's room this very morning (aware, the dead are walking among you) and tried the door-handle.
I think I know whom to blame, as he savaged the room next to this door - tis Étienne Chatenay of whom I think he murdered me. Vengeance I demand from beyond the grave.
The Cleaner just couldn't take the pressure of being on the wanted list, so was removed by PC Sidious:
This may well be the easiest kill yet, this evening around 8pm I happened upon The Cleaner among a gathering of friends. He offered me a knife (cunningly disguised as a spatula) and asked me to kill him. Dean hasn't been himself recently, so I wasted no time in bringing his pain to a swift and abrupt end.
Étienne Chatenay goes on the rampage, killing PC Ed Hicks:
In accordance with the "kill the cops before they kill you" policy i have developped i killed this morning the recent (and not knowing it) cop Ed Hicks, i shot him at point blank range in the neck that is to say like all cops should die.
I have not yet fulfilled my duty to kill every cop in the whole university but i also have to go to some lectures.
And i personally offer a Bottle of french wine for the best cop butcher this term.
The Masked Man L killed Harland Quinn today.
Everyone loves the Harlequin's style
Of reporting his kills with a poem,
But still, all the same, the easiest target
To kill is one where you know him.
So Masked Man found out the time and the place
When Harley would go to a lecture,
And staked out the place from 10 mins before
My victim would usually get there.
In time his bright hair was seen thru' the window
Where I'd found to watch from aloft;
I moved and was there with a greet at the door
Poor Quinn's paranoia'd grown soft.
When asked if he knew the fictitious Andrew Nathan,
He said no, that name wasn't known.
So I punished him for his ignorance
With bullets shot and shurikens thrown.
Remorse striking me at the death of a friend
Was eased in our post-mortem chat,
As his career mashing incompetents
Can continue in a Policeman's hat.
But still, let us pause for a moment to mourn
The Harlequin loved so well,
And I hope this report is fitting and apt
By being such awful doggerel.
There's not much more to add, to the Masked Man L's tale,
And I complement him on his verse.
So from beyond the Grave, on an Old Spanish Train,
I relieve him of the Harlequin's curse.
I bid you 'Adieu', as I finally rot,
And await for my next incarnation.
I look forward to a nice, high CID rank,
And join the police with much anticipation.
Harland Quinn also complained:
Thhhhhhhhhheh h key and the g key keep stinking and the otherh ones don't respomd muchhhhhhh at all...
Étienne Chatenay visited Harvey Court, to kill PC PCTCP, but ended up getting PC Yama:
There i was once again in Harvey court to kill my nemesis PCTCP this time even if it took him an hour to open his door he was ready to face his death alas my trusted cricket sized gun could not face the power of his Flame thrower and i had to retreat after a few minutes of intense exchange.
But after meeting my trusted yet unnamed accomplice i went back to harvey court where i was unable to find PCTCP luckily harvey court is one of those rare place where you can find two cops an i went to kill Yama in his room with my defective shotgun fortunately just as Yama was grabbing his gun a bullet went through his heart and killed him when PCTCP who was up the stairs came to meet me i was already on my way home
PC PCTCP reports:
Wow, this guy is dedicated. Not content with poisoning my door handle two days ago (I only found out today, when an innocent used it - turning the key in the lock opens Harvey Court doors without recourse to the handle) and killing PC Dirty Harry and my bedder, he came again today....
At about four of the clock, a suspicious knocking sounded upon my door. My guard was instantly triggered by the callee's refusal to answer any of my questions, so I picked up a dart gun and unlocked the door. As he burst into my room with his water-pistol precipitating, I fired the dart gun at him (sadly missing, but he also missed me) and then explained that this was a NO-WATER-WEAPONS ROOM. [NB: Would Cop-killers please do their homework?]
So, he ran back outside, and hid around the corner. Meanwhile, I picked up my water weapon, popped outside the room, and attempted to soak him. We then spend ten minutes with me taking potshots whenever he came into view. Unfortunately, I feel I gave him only minor-injuries, and he escaped out of Harvey Court as I was in my room grabbing more weapons. How vexing that was.
@4:15 pm today, therewasa knock at my door. My friend just having left, I guesseditwas him andso shouted "come in". Unfortunately an assassinburst in. Hewasgoing tokill me with a water pistol until i remindedhim that water weapons are not allowed in my room, so he attemptedto kill me with a dart gun. Unfortunatelyit failedto fire atthe first 3 attempts, by which time i had my own weapon in myhand, but i could not force him into the corridor to use it. At attempt number four i received ablow to thechest from point blank range, hencerendering me dead (again).he failedto leave a pseudonym, rather telling mehewas on the wanted list and hadalready made an attempt upon the life of Ed "PCTCP"Nokes. Sorry, the sapcebariswellandtrulyknacked on the computer here in the jcr.
Chatenay again. This time, it was Pope Innocent XIV:
Being an assassin i also have to earn decent wages that is why i had to kill my designated target Pope Innocent XIV and after an immense waste of bullets i was finally able to see my clothes stained with his brains.
The Pope has this to say:
This is roughly wot went on the other nite: Hearing vague noises outside my door over the pounding of my stereo, I foolishly opened it (the door not the stereo). I was informed by the geezer wot wos outside that there were some people looking for me. They appeared to have found me too, since a pistol came through the gap in the door, which was held open (the door again, not the pistol). I doged back, but got shot in the hand, (which makes the sign of the crosss a little difficult to perform). I returned fire, and a gratuitous fire fight broke out. My room and the landing were peppered, but there were only flesh wounds on both sides. Chatenay (for it was he) bravely stormed my living room, leaving me fighting on two fronts. I finally fell to a well aimed shot to the face from the wee lassie (who refused to be identified) who accompanied him. (PC Woland as it turns out. It appears that Chatenay shot the Pope a little more subtley about the same time.)
So the French conspire against the papacy once more, but as the good Lord sayeth, "On the third day..."
The good Pope has been placed on the police force.
PC Woland sent in this confession:
I can't live with this burden anymore . It's been nearly one week that I've been helping the most wanted criminal Étienne Chatenay, providing him with weapons, help and strategic information. This I did as well for his mad killing spree as for his normal targets. Yesterday, I even prevented Pope Innocent XIV to kill him as he was about to shoot him right in the back after 10 minutes of intense shooting. For my defence, I've got to say that Étienne Chatenay has been blackmailing me since the regretable incident at Salsa's Woman room which led to the accidental death of PC Teatime. Believe me, this guy has got no morality at all. I must also say that I didn't myself shoot any PC, still I was ready to help him in case something went wrong.
And so PC Woland is now on the wanted list for corruption. Here's a quick recap of police corruption rules:
Chatenay seems to be having fun. PC Fury.
I was having formal hall at fitz with an real Murderer i dropped by to kill chris Wigmore who was very surprised to be killed thinking probably that the police is immortal but NO i am here to kill them and so i executed him
Wanted criminal Ping starts to compete, taking out PC Madam X:
Dutiful police-woman Anna 'Madam X' Martin of New Hall confidently approached my dwellings earlier this evening, only to find that I was out at a formal hall.
On hearing of her visit, I felt it my duty to repay such a visit (armed with assorted weaponry). While, after the knock on the door, she was suspicious, I used a faithful friend as a bluff, and upon her opening the door, barged in on her and shot her a number of times.....it was almost moving to see her stumble to her bed and die....
Sorry to commit another atrocity, but this active and dedicated policewoman was getting too close for comfort, and therefore prompt extermination seemed vital.
PC Woland sent this in:
I've just learned that the criminal Ping killed a policewoman in New Hall thinking that she had been looking for her earlier in the evening. I regret to inform Ping that it was actually I who was looking for her earlier this evening. And I surely wouldn't have missed her had she been here. But I'm going to take further steps in order to stop her definitely...
Good, I say. However, it turns out that both of the police officers visited Ping that day.
A very large bomb (10m blast radius) went off, killing two innocents
Lost due to an iddy-bitty explosion outside our house:
1 front door
Next door's front hall, wall, etc...
It all happened as Unicorn's parents were leaving the house to go to the Arts Theatre to see SteelEye Span with their darling daughter. But to start at the beginning:
After a wonderful dinner produced by Unicorn's mum (if I say anything else of it we may not get a repeat). The chocolate cake was particularly wonderful. Unicorn and her parents prepared to go to town to see a show. As they left I made my farewells as I wasn't going to see them for the best part of three hours.
Unicorn's father pulled the door open expecting to be greeted by the chill Cambridge air (presumably they don't come here for the sunbathing) only to see this all-toasting, all-scorching and generally really rather impressive fireball eminating from behind a tree. While all the rest of us saw was his remains being liberally spread around our hall (and we only tidied it at the weekend). And as if this was not enough there was a liberal spattering of Unicorn's mother to clear up as well. I looked on from the safety of my doorway as pieces of front door and wall flew past my ears embedding themselves firmly into the cupboard under the stairs. Unicorn seemed to take the wanton destruction of her parents surprisingly well from her vantage point on the stairs, until the fireball engulfed even her.
Well, my father seemed somewhat miffed by being deaded, threw a prolonged sulk, and his shade would like to see this most foul murderer brought to justice. My mother just giggled...
Our hall now has this rather interesting new decor, not to mention the redesigned porch (up to this point we had had no porch, but our hall is now doing a reasonably good impression). My room had been cold enough without the blownout windows and gaping hole. Does anyone out there have a tent I could borrow?
I have put Unicorn in hospital until a satisfactory solution to this can be reached.
Everyone on the mailing list should have received an email, detailing the assassins party, which will take place Thursday night at 7:00 pm, at J Doe's room. The party will not go on much beyond 11:00. Because of this, there will be a ceasefire from 6:00 pm until midnight.
At 5:30 pm today, I received a copy of this email from Étienne to the police force:
Sorry to criticize but apart from PCTCP I have seen non of your faces that was not within seconds covered by the mask of death.
I would also have hoped that you would come and knock on my door some day but all you have done yet is see that there is a five digits combination lock, please don't leave me alone that way, it makes me want to kill more of you hoping you would react in some way other than exploding in flesh, internal organs, brains and blood.
I'm looking forward to seeing your face in my staircase
Twenty minutes later, I received a report from PC Spartacus:
I just cannonised Étienne Chatenay, thereby making him into a small French town and therefore of no importance.
An accomplice and I called round under the pretence of being PC support. He foolishly opened the door, apologised for his cautiousness and his holding a gun on the grounds of being in the assassins. I then stabbed him as he was showing us his nice computer and he died.
The world is a safer place.
And at 5:55:
I am dead killed by John Allister, a face i trusted because he is from my college, he knew the combination to my lair and abused my pride of my new computer to have me open my door on a pc-support covert How ironic, i have a mac!!.
I still hope i won't drink my Cop Butcher bottle of wine, don't give cops too much rest, they become lazy, i wouldn't like to sleep soundly because i am now a cop.
And also one last too much forgot advice, trust no one
Étienne asked to be put on the police force.
Nightgobbo was attacked by an unusually incompetent PC PCTCP today:
I've just been attacked by some terribly inefficient policemen. They apparently thought that, just because one of them had seen me on the party yesterday, I'd be easy to kill.
Someone knocked on my door, and when I looked through the window I saw that I had never seen the person before. Anyway, I opened the door, but only slightly. The person introduced himself as some kind of christian union guy, and then a PC (the one I had seen on the party, can't remember his name) came running from the opposite corridor and shot some projectile. Of course, by the time it arrived, my door was already shut and locked. Even if it had been open, the projectile still would have missed by miles.
It gets worse. The report from the police officer involved:
I went out with two accomplices today, at about eight o'clock, and failed to engage in a protracted mash session. Visits to Trinity, Newnham, Pembroke, Sidney Sussex, and Corpus all found the targets not present. At Magdelane, the target was persuaded to open his door, whereupon I sprang out of hiding and utilised a dart-gun, but sadly I wounded the arm of an accomplice of mine who happened to get in the way. His injury was trivial, and after a bit of first aid, he made full recovery. The target retreated back into his room with nary an attempt at counterattack, of course. So, all in all, a rather unsuccessful evening.
In fact, it gets even worse than that. A report from the accomplice:
I report this as an innocent from beyond the depths of the grave:
On a random mash session on Friday evening, I, merely an accomplice, together with another innocent and the bloodthirsty PCTCP, chanced upon the door of a certain wanted person at Trinity, wanted, so it is said, for despicable, evil acts of felony more commonly found in other countries. However, Mauve was obviously otherwise engaged, so we progressed silently to Magdalene, with the flesh of Nightgobbo in mind, no less.
Under the guise of an innocent charity worker, I meekly knocked upon the door of the foul incompetent. Somewhat to my surprise, the delicate lace curtain blocking the window was drawn back, to reveal a face rich with the fear of his enemies. At this point, the fearless, but haphazard, PCTCP dashed out from behind a blockade to fire a shot at the criminal with a dart gun.
Sadly for both PCTCP and myself, the shot was so misdirected as to strike not its intended target but my bodily frame, and I suffered severe injuries to the arm. Despite this notable blow, I staggered from the doorway as Nightgobbo retreated to sanctuary. PCTCP was left to rue his incompetent marksmanship.
Nevertheless, no serious damage seemed to be done, but surely this was no excuse for the spiteful PCTCP to aim a further shot at me with a water pistol when we were back out on the streets of the living once more. Suffice to say, I suffered fatal neck injuries, and for this severe act of brutality I suggest that PCTCP be made to pay, which, I may remind you, was brought about as a result of his own miscalculated blunderings.
After four more unsuccessful visits to other colleges, I finally met my end, having been briefly resurrected as a ghostly form.
Perhaps the prolific PCTCP is less lethal than his record would make him appear.
PC PCTCP is now suspended until it can be worked out if the accomplice was bearing any weapons at the time or not.
Nightgobbo went out on a last-ditch effort to avoid being thunderbolted:
At around 21:30, I left my room, armed with a dagger, a pistol, and a list of my targets. As I have reported in my prveious e-mail, an attempt to kill me had been undertaken by the Police Corps a couple of hours earlier, so I felt it was time for some action from my side. Also, I was on the wanted list for incompetence, so I had no choice: it was either going out into the rain or being hit by lightning.
So, I went to the target on my list that was closest to where I live... I entered the staircase, thought of a simple plan (knock on the door, take dagger, stab, leave), and knocked on the door. No-one answered. I knocked again, louder this time. No answer.
Disappointed, I went on to the next target, who was in Robinson, a bit further away. After having walked through the college for about twenty minutes, I finally figured out where the staircase of my victim was. I entered, went to the door, decided I was going to use the same cunning plan, and knocked on the door. No answer.
Since I didn't feel like going to Girton, and it was getting late, and I was getting tired, wet and cold, I decided to go back home... without blood on my hands....
Why can't people just stay in their rooms??
The Wooden Spoon expressed shock at the sudden realisation that she would be thunderbolted tonight if she didn't make a kill attempt (she had to be told this). A cunning plan was put into action. Gathering up as many of the fragments of The Masked Man Dark as possible, and taking them outside the no-kill area, she handed a lightsabre to them, then swiftly stabbed them through the nearest approximation of a heart. Please note - I am only allowing this "kill" to avoid thunderbolting, once - you don't really have any excuse to not know when the deadlines are.
Four people stayed incompetent enough to warrant thunderbolting during this particular stage. They are: