The bee stings...

Just a few minutes ago, The Scythe received a knock on his door by the Killer Bee posing as an undergraduate with a view to looking around his room for the ballot. After foolishly confirming his identity, he jumped slightly too late to the single shot to the chest that was fired. Maybe he'll be more paranoid in the afterlife?

Killer Bee

The BOFH kills another innocent...

Believing that I was being tailed by The Hologram this evening and also believing that by now I was wanted, I decided to kill this suspect who didn't comment and bemusedly wandered off.

Cambridge beware! A Bastard is on the loose!

Maz The Wanted (justabit) Bastard Operator From Hell (BOFH) had a bit of a fun time today. He poisoned the outer door of 37 Green Street, abode of The Lemming and Ben Noakes. Ben Noakes walked out and was presumably gassed. The true motive for this seemingly random act of violence was that there was a "Shiela and Her Dog" meeting in Lemming's room and the following guests also died as a result of the gas:

Innocent: Alex Cumber (a vicar from Ridley Hall who was there to marry Alan the Penguin to Eleanor)
Innocent: Alex Cumber's wife, Kat
Innocent: Mark Harman
Playing: Mark Snellgrove

I saw the gestalt entity Kelpie-Puma walking hand-in-hand with itself tonight and snuck up behind it and blew a hole in each of its backs. I thank my accomplice the Ninja for distracting them with some impressions of Bruce Lee.

The Bastard strikes again! Vanya and Gaia fall... Someone get him... Get THE BASTARD!!!

I was being very paranoid and suspicious (given just how wanted I am right now) heading to my lectures this morning.

Once in my lecture, who should I spot but two more members of the Godfather's henchlings. I knew they were assassins because I had tailed them to the previous lecture, overheard their conversation and even chatted to them, asking one of them whether the practical I was about to head off to was going to be difficult.

Feeling a bit "hung over" from all the kills I did last night, I decided that some "hair of the dog" might remedy my aching head. I packed my things quickly and left the lecture in a hurry. I managed to catch up with them just before they crossed the road. Calling out "[insert name here]!" as I approached, I put a bullet through each of their heads from point-blank range. They were dead before they hit the floor, a bloody but neat hole in each of their foreheads, a slightly bloodier and messier one at the backs of their heads where the bullets had emerged. And that was left handed too.

To the Godfather: KEEP 'EM COMING.

The (VERY VERY wanted) Bastard Operator From Hell

Vinnie makes an attempt on Tom Tot!

I obtained entry to the den of villains with cunning deception. The thug who opened the door then had to answer the phone whilst I gave a small talk on the Christian Union. Naturally assuming that the one who opened the door and answered the phone would be the one whose head I was after, I lunged my trusty cosh at him. He fell to the floor in agony saying 'its not me you're after'. Standing laughing beside him was my real target, who I quickly finished off as well.

The Bastards! They killed Steve!

A body has just been found slumped on the steps to Mem Court, Clare. Clare residents, used to arbitrary killings after last year's bloodbath, were gingerly avoiding the corpse as they went about their daily business.

My associate Edd Pringle and I were heading over to buttery, given that we were hungry. Personally I had had too small a breakfast (Vanya and Gaia) and was thirsty for more blood too.

On the way to buttery I spotted my college dad (awwwwwwwh). Steve Kitson was a player last term. Edd and I split up and as I approached Steve, I machine gunned him on the steps in front of Clare. Yet another crime I have committed: patricide.

I then rejoined Mr Pringle and we continued to mosy on in to Clare Buttery. Edd went ahead to talk to a Smiley T about how Edd was dead and there was a gang of Tithallers after him. He also reassured him that no-one else in Clare was alive. Thus Smiley was rather confused when the BOFH turned up 10 minutes later and proceeded to add his brain to the buttery meal he had before him. (We couldn't tell the difference it made to the meal - buttery bolognese is a *bit* dodgy...)

After finishing my meal I headed back to my room. As I approached the courtyard, I spotted a figure who had a striking resemblance to a Mr. Ben Parker - CORRECTION - *had* a striking resemblance. The *REAL* Ben Parker has less holes in, something which may need remedying (assuming he's playing that is...)

The (more than ever before) Wanted Bastard Operator From Hell

Some late news from Saturday... Why tell me so late?

On Saturday morning I was the proud recipient of a miserable letter, complete with reference number and letterhead from the superintendent of my college informing me that I was drawing too much electric current. As I gasped in disbelief, I read the next line informing me that my fingers were covered with contact poison, courtesy of Bob Friendly. This had the effect of causing me to begin swearing profusely. This uncharacteristic behavior resulted in a friend of mine who was standing nearby to snatching letter from my hands, only to encounter the same fate. As he was not playing the game, Bob Friendly is guilty of the death of an innocent person.

Dr Death (the real one not the Pringle one)

Another innocent falls victim to the BOFH... (yawn...)

I decided that I'd had enough from last term of constantly being brought back from the dead, only to be knocked to the ground again by some club-wielding maniac, and that I would rather spend this time rotting away peacefully.

Well, there I was, strolling through the streets when I saw someone whom I recognised as the long-haired assassin I hit with my bunny rabbit-cosh last term. Despite my disguise of Lemming's hat and dressing gown, he had noticed me. Oh well, I thought as a grenade entered my bodily regions and proceeded to accelerate the decomposition.

Emarkienna, ex-Zombie

A Double Whammy! Two kills within ten minutes...

Christ's College, 19:07

The Shadow left his room, probably to visit his next door neighbour... but he never made it there. As he closed his door, he noticed two strange men walking towards him, and in true assassin's style, instantly recognised them as potentially lethal. Unfortunately, he had made the fatal error of not arming himself, and payed the price. He died with honour, asking to be shot, and did not complain as the bullet pierced his heart and he fell to the floor in a pool of blood.

Tit Hall, 19:14

Ramulus heard a knock on his door, got up, and opened the door, only to find a bullet fly and embed itself in the back of his skull. The two men smiled to eachother, and left, leaving the body in the doorway, with a thin trickle of blood oozing out of the centre of his forehead.

Zordok

The old methods work the best...

Aaaargh!
For the SECOND TIME IN A ROW I have been assassinated by a member of my own department within seconds of leaving the lecture hall. This time, The Giggler was indeed early and barely waited for me to leave the Tilley Room before plunging a dagger into my stomach. Apart from the fact that I feel a little unlucky that out of the four 1B geologists in the Guild, 2 of them have had me as a target, I am a little diappointed by the uninventedness of the attacks. Oh well.

I will go away and decompose in peace and alcohol...

Llama Man

Margana-le-Beer Prank was woken by the ritual sacrifice of Duck-tape outside her door, and proceeded to repel the cowardly assailants. One was possibly hit by a poison arrow out of the window. What's a Fay, anyway?

Overkill has taken up a lucrative new job as head of the Andorran Secret Police, a suitable institution for him/her? to propagate further megalomania without killing this term's Killer game or the Umpire's inbox. Thus Overkill retires from the head of the Ridley Hall mafia, forfeiting his life as a player.

We've got a poet in the house!

There once was a target called Steve,
who when killed could hardly believe.
He didn't look around
or hear that fateful sound,
and now his nearest will grieve.

Agent Orange and his trusty fellow in arms, the Killerbee have disposed of Zordok with a quiet style causing no disturbance to the general public. Arch was Simpsoned up and all dreamy while playing pool, he had no inkling until it was too late.

Agent Orange

Burns...

Following a formal meal in celebration of a famous Scottish poet, one Fred was seen leaving the dining room rather hurriedly.. Worried friends followed him as fast as they could, but not fast enough; for outside they found NFG holding an extended lightsabre over Fred's body - lying motionless in a pool of his own blood. The victim was caught in the motion of pulling his gun out of its holster; the weapon appeared to have gone off while still inside, and become stuck.

Nfg has now returned the bequeathed weapon to its owner's grave, its purpose accomplished...

N. F. G.

A little tip...

Build your bombs at home so that they are ready to stick without waking the victim up with the heavy-calibre sticky tape. That way I'd have had a decent night's sleep, you wouldn't have been shot at and there would have been a chance I got blown up :)

Ethel

More junk mail...

The Patrician opens his mail wearing gloves. He will be not be merciful on the one who caused a particulary useful pair to be ruined.

Lord Vetinari

A classic kill...

Agent Orange was strolling along without a care in the world when he espied the tall, dark figure in the distance. (Enough third person already) A strange intuition stole over me so I casually slipped into the College Computer room which as it turned out was a mistake since it is a deadend and I wasn't armed. Inside the building, desperatly trying to find my College card to slip through the security door and give myself time to think, a deep voice from behind me asked me my name. I turned and for some reason told him. A rubber band was then drawn and fired but lightning reflexes parried with the everso handy shopping I was carrying. I then ducked, twisted, rolled and grasped the elastic band from the floor. My foul foe made a grab at it as I fired and the band misfired. Again there was a scramble for the band and again my Nam reflexes won through but the foe turned tail and fled. Since the effective range of even a heavy calibre band is only a few metres I sprinted after him, past bemused tourists and finally shot him in the back as he tried to flee into a labyrinthine College building. Tom is dead and the Agent LIVES ON!!

Regards,
Agent Orange.

It was painful and humiliating. In an attempt on the life of Agent Orange my vicious elastic band was deflected by a plastic bag and then used against me after a hot pursuit around the front court of King's. I died at the foot of the stairs by the bar, and surprisingly enough do not remember much of it.

Oh my head.

Tom Watts.

A locked in engineer...

My brothers,

As you all must be aware, these are troubled times. For some of you they are over, but the rest remain and we must be ever more vigilant if we are to avenge our dead brothers' deaths - this is one thing that cannot be done from beyond the grave.

This afternoon at around three o'clock, there was a mysterious knock at my door. When no reply was given to my demands of "check it out now", or even the slightly less subtle, "who's there?", I worked out that it must be one of my would be assassins. He went but came back five minutes later. So now I was trapped. What could I do? The only thing that came to mind was to attempt the latest linear circuits paper. (Desperate situations call for desperate actions.)

Let this be an example to you all. The forces of darkness surround us all, and it will only acts of extreme bravery such as this that will keep us alive.

Your ever loyal brother,
M. Chacal

Another cop bites the dust!!! Some extreme action is required to keep this Bastard at bay...

Today was another good day for the Bastard Operator From Hell. Gradually he is decreasing the number of police that are after him. The BOFH approached PC Gul'dan from behind, having been hanging around outside a maths lecture to get him. The BOFH shot him three times in the chest at point blank range, just before he left the New Museum Site. His body shall remain there, being stepped over and on as countless other police and innocents and assassins walk to their morning lectures. May it be a warning to all those who oppose the will of the BOFH. Tit's usually come in pairs, but whether they come on their own or as a group of ten, the CU Mafia shall reign supreme.

Another innocent and another cop... No need to guess who's done this.

A shady looking character was hanging around on my staircase today as I returned from lectures. He refused (at the end of a machine gun) to answer whether he was an assassin. He was shot in both legs and will have bled to death by the time you read this. I believe that he was from Clare College.

Also, in an attempt to keep the number of police down, PC Smiley T was again shot (this time in the torso, not the head) three times by me today in Clare Buttery.

The Bastard Operator From Hell

The Ace of Spades???

Received a death threat today, with compliments from the bursary. The only sign of any possibility of contact poison on the letter (not even in an envelope!) was the fact that the word "Die!" and a spade-shape were written in thick black soft pencil, which would have left a black mark on any fingers unfortunate enough to touch it. The rest of the letter was photocopied.

Pretty pathetic really.

Paranoia Personified

Dud bomb...

Full marks for effort, 0/10 for skill I'm afraid for whoever it is who's out to get me. This afternoon he/she taped a bomb to my door whilst I was in the room. However on opening the door, the detonator failed to go off as the tape pulled off the door.

Hence I am still alive enough to write you this.

Seeya,

Chacal

A failed attack on the Bastard's stronghold...

At 15:25 today, a friend of the BOFH knocked on his door. Unbeknown to him an assassin was waiting on the stairs for just such an opportunity to enter the BOFH's morgue. The door was opened for the friend and as it was shutting he charged and got his foot in the door and really put his foot in it. As we could not shut the door, we opened it. This revealed Penelope Pitstop with a blowpipe. He then retreated to the far side of the landing whereupon the aforementioned foot (ankle) was hit by a poisoned blow-dart. He attempted to fire off hideously inaccurate shots with a cap gun (about 8 metres away), but then the poison coursing through his veins caused him to collapse and he SHOULD have fallen down the stairwell, onto the accumulating pile of bodies that decorate Clare College. HOWEVER, he didn't realise/believe/think that he'd been hit and so came back. BAD move number 2.

Susan of St John's attempted to blow up the BOFH's room, with a bomb on the door. Sadly, the first person to open the door (completely unaware of the bomb) was Edd Pringle (recognise that name?). The bomb blast radius was too small to kill anyone else in the room. Once the door was fully open, the BOFH shot Susan with a dart gun. In summary, he's most definately dead.

Honestly, all this wasting of people is like shooting fish in a barrel. With an elephant gun. In the head. Twice. At point blank range. When the fish swim towards you in eager expectation. Daily.

This has been by far the best attempt so far however on the CU Mafia although given the nature of the previous attempts, this isn't saying too much.

The "stillalivecomeandgetme" BOFH

An intersting confrontation...

Made an attempt on Ominous Pseudonym's life at 11:45 on Friday. He was exceedingly paranoid, only opening the door a crack, and closing it very quickly again. He was very polite. Nice chap. Had a little conversation through the door with him, before disappearing back into the shadows...

Paranoia Personified

The BOFH tries again...

The BOFH has struck again. Or at least he has tried to.

Comrades, This morning I received a letter from UCAS. Certain aspects of the letter aroused my suspicions, and so the letter was treated with appropriate care - namely the letter was held at arms length and opened with a knife whilst wearing gloves. On studying the letter I found that it claimed to be a questionnaire. The last question read 'Did you just die from contact poisoning?' and had been answered 'Yes' for me. My heartfelt sympathies to you, BOFH, but I am afraid that your hopes were misplaced. Still, at least you did better than the last poisoning attempt on me - at least you did remember to add the poison.....

Comrades, my life is by no means over. The BOFH must hope that I never meet him on the streets of Cambridge for there are many both in the Penguins and in the Guild who would gladly kill him. A nine millimetre brain haemorrage would be his fate.

Yours in anticipation of his death,

PC Vanya Michaelovich


Know that I am Vanya. I walk on the dark side of the path, so that others may walk in the light. I am Death, against whom no door is barred, no portal held. No lock or chain will hold me or protect you. Your life is forfeit. Your dreams smashed. Your future on hold. You will breathe no more, and the foul air you exhale will cease its poisoning. Your deceitful tactics will perish along with yourself.

The BOFH strikes!

I was killed for a second time today by a very clever poisoned letter! It was in my pigeonhole, with a stamp on it, typed address, postmarked Manchester with the UCAS logo on the envelope. I opened it and as my fingers touched the letter paper, I got a brief glimpse of a white powder before the contact poison kicked in and everything become blurred as I keeled over dead on the floor of the plodge.

The signature on the letter?
Congratulations to BOFH whoever that may be.

PC Ooid

Blatant overkill...

As previously reported, a couple of days ago, my police career was terminated prematurely by the BOFH. Well, despite having slaughtered me then he obviously decided that a simple shooting wasn't good enough, and so this morning I received a letter allegedly from UCAS (a little unusual, since I already have a place at uni and so have no need to apply again). Anyway, being no more than a ghost I was unable to open the letter myself nor stop my friend Katie from doing the task... As soon as her fingers touched the deadly posion on the letter she was killed instantly - yet another innocent victim of the Bastard. I would like to point out to BOFH that I am actually dead, and if wants to boost his kill count it would probably better to target people who are still alive.

The very dead Gul'dan

Another UCAS letter...

This morning whilst checking my pigeon hole in a perfunctory manner for the hope of a letter, what should I find, but a letter from UCAS, addressed to myself...Interesting, I thought, and my suspicion was aroused. The letter was opened wearing gloves at arm's length, with a knife.

Upon reading the letter, held with a pair of tweezers, of course, I noticed the bottom part of this, which incidentally took the form of a student. Well, BOFH, I hate to dash your hopes, but I'm still alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You made far too many mistakes, and I saw straight through another abysmal attempt!

PC Gaia

Revenge is a dish best served cold...
BOFH beware.....

Destructive UCAS....

I was surprised this afternoon to find a letter in my p/hole.

It was addressed from UCAS

Now this made me suspicious, and using the many helpful materiels available in TH-Plodge I opened it.

The big giveaway was the letters BOFH at the bottom, and the words in italics "contact poison".

Lacking suitable disposal facilities I dropped it in the bin :)

The BOFH is not worthy of his name, pass the LART someone...

PC Pimply Faced Youth.

In another UCAS related attack, the Chief of Police received a letter today...

Got white powder all over my nice black leather gloves too.

CoP Rich

And another one...

I just recieved another letter today, also convincing, this time supposedly from UCAS. It had a Manchester postmark. Several things made me suspiscious, like a) what have UCAS got to do with me I'm a 2nd year? b) I thought they were in Cheltenham not Manchester, c) Why have they used such a scrappy printer for their emblem this time? and d) Why did it have written on it 'This is almost certainly an assassination attempt by BOFH. Beware. Rich'?

So I have got through my third pair of gloves in as many days, I will have to make sure BOFH dies, I can't afford all these gloves all the time...

PC Puma

I assume any member of the police force that didn't get a UCAS letter should feel quite left out...

I would like to inform the BOFH that his pathetic attempt on my life today has failed. The letter claiming to be from UCAS was obviously a fake & I opened it without harm to myself or inocents. I intend to ensure, however, that the BOFH will not try this again...

PC CMOT

A kill not from the BOFH...

Daniel Walker met a swift but painful end tonight. While taking a breather from a party in a corner, he knew nothing of his impending fate until he felt a dagger lodged between his shoulder blades. Other revellers saw his motionless body but assumed that he had had a little too much to drink.

Kerrigan

And another assassin received:

Something along the lines of a Demographic Survey, wanting to know:-
My name,
my age,
how long I had left in Cambridge,
how long I had been dead.

Signed Dan Bowles

Afraid it went into the bin in the plodge, though....

Satan's Child

Another cop dies...

With an impressively realistic letter from the UCAS agency was I today duped. A short lived policeman and even shorter lived assassin, this has not been my finest hour, or term to put it in a broader sense. The undetectability of the poisonous talcum powder combined with the genuine feel of the epistle caused the cruel guillotine of fate to chomp down upon my neck, under command of the buh ba buh... BOFH!

PC The Persian Perv

Bomb time!

One fine Sunday morning, BOFH decided to put a bomb outside my room... The bomb would have worked, but BOFH made another serious mistake...

BOFH.... Bombs are supposed to go BANG!!!

PC Gaia

Revenge is a dish best served cold...
BOFH beware.....

Bomb Squad at work

I feel you should know of an attempt of BOFH to assassinate PC Vanya Michaelovich of the police force. When waking this morning and leaving my room to have my shower, I found an unusual device outside the door of my comrade... PC Vanya Michaelovich. At further inspection I realised that it was a bomb. I immediately got in contact with the nearest member of the police, which just happened to be me, and convinced myself to become a bomb squad official for that moment. So like some sort of wild person, as I am, I approached the bomb carefully and disconnected the detonator, then I removed the bomb and detenator very carefully, to ensure that no explosion would take place. It was a good attempt by BOFH... but to try and bomb a member of the police force is very unwise. I call on all members of the police force to form a strike team and destroy this creature now, before any more innocents or police are killed. We shall uphold the peace at all cost, and you BOFH will be terminated.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAH.

PC WildThang
Bomb Squad

The police force is slowly depleted...

I am dead - again :(.

Killed by a bomb (which given its radius of 6m actually brought the entire staircase down)...

The bomb radius should've been 6.3m, not 6m as marked on the bomb.

As if it mattered, at least one innocent was killed in the process.

PF, and rather dead, Y.

Just like yesterday was letter day, today is bomb day!

Yet again the BOFH has made an attempt on my life and yet again he has failed. Early this morning, the BOFH attached a crude 500cm3 bomb to my door. Thanks the the brave actions of my neighbour, the bomb was disarmed before I opened my door. Upon closer inspection, it appears the bomb would have failed to go off anyway, since the detonator wasn't very sophisticated. Is the BOFH afraid to show his face? You bet.

PC CMOT

Another failed attempt...

BOFH attached an explosive device to my door in the early hours of this morning. However due to the remarkable courage of the ghost of the Sultan of Sex who defused the bomb before I opened the door, Taxi Driver Man lives to drive another day...

Where to please??!

Kaala kaala kutta, kutta kutta, ay oh, ay oh!!!

The BOFH takes a break from bombing and does some real killing...

I decided that Mr. Potato Head had been far too inactive in this term's game for my liking, and that he should either start killing people or be removed. I put a test to Mr Head by entering his room (saying that I was from the CU - almost true - CU *Mafia*) and waiting a few seconds being generally very suspicious. He did not proceed to use the Black and Decker Sander on me, so I proceeded to grenade both him and a friend in his room (I was unsure as to which was him). They are both dead, needless to say.

Seeing as I was in the vague area, I decided to pay a visit to an assassin from my college, Mr Bleasdale. Gaining entry to the Colony was not difficult - I was practically begged to come in when I asked to see Mr Bleasdale. I found his room door open, knocked and shot him.

I would like to say (on record) that these two kills could not have been possible without the help of two accomplices, namely FireBird and The Squirrel. Not only did they help in totally confusing the targets, especially in the case of Mr Bleasdale (who asked, "are you here to kill me?" to them, before I pumped his torso full of lead from a shotgun - his body is now slumped over the computer terminal where he was working) but they also aided in the bombing of Trinity Hall this morning. Many thanks FB and RS. They have now disappeared back to the ether from whence they came, to the Land of The Penguin and the NeuNet, to the world of three letter acronyms. Perhaps they shall return again to serve more death to pathetic assassins in Cambridge.

The BOFH

The BOFH is under threat!

Someone (I have suspects) posted the following in my boarded up/boxed up letter box:

1) letter (hand written) signed by "Mr Illegible Signature, A Spokesman from Serial Killers for Social Order". It also lists 3 "targets" - "should you survive and wish to kill me, my real name is..... [3 people]" - I assume someone wants me to kill their targets

2) one black piece of card with "killall -9" written in silver (in my handwriting) on it. I used an innocent (taking sensible precautions, ie mask/gloves/tweezers) to open the letter. It turns out that the card was identical to the one that Mr Pringle sent to Pembroke (can't remember the name - Thomas peters maybe...), covered in Vanilla (so the now dead innocent's ghost tells me).

This was a failed attempt I'm afraid. Apologies to the innocent, Firebird who died in the process. May his soul live forever in the grace of God.

The CU Mafia has lost one of its henchlings.

The BOFH Mourns

A valiant attempt by Vanya...

I was wandering home after my lecture this morning when, as I entered Clare, who should I see but my beloved cop friend, Vanya. He was leaving Clare. We passed each other exchanging nasty looks (if looks could kill, there would probably be two more bodies in/around Clare College). To my surprise, neither of us drew a weapon - how out of character of me! (I believe that this was due to a particularly boring lecture I'd just been to - maybe I was still a bit asleep).

Upon returning to Ashby Court, who should I see again, but Vanya. He began slowly approaching me. I pulled out a sawn-off shotgun and ran at him firing. Another police body now rots in Ashby Court.

The "i-just-cant-wait-till-all-the-police-get-me-at-my-java-lecture-tomorrow" BOFH

Another Bastard attempt...

Once more the BOFH insults the honour of us all. A well constructed forged contact poison letter, perporting to be from UCAS, but in fact being from BOFH, was sent to me today. Fortunately, being forwarned, I opened with gloves and gas mask, disposing of said article in a safe fashion. Although I was not a policeman, such a blatant insult from my own killer can not go unpunished.

Tom "Susan" Voice

The Brotherhood is attacked...

You may be interested to know that the BOFH yesterday added another failed attempt to the long list of bombings against us.

After the last failed attempt against me, I have become paranoid about opening my door. So, after a long lie in on Sunday morning I was almost expecting to see the piece of string as I cautiously opened my door a few cms. From then on it was a simple matter of gently pulling out the drawing pins that held the crudely made detonator to the door. It was not difficult - he had not made a very good job of it (but then, what's new there).

For the more technically minded of you, the bomb consisted of a 2 litre orange squash bottle, filled with water with the word "BOMB" written on it. This sat in front of my door, attached with a piece of string so that it would fall over when the door was opened.

This goes to show that despite his persistance, BOFH is only an amateur. How long will it be before our patience runs out and one of us puts him out of his misery?

Yours as ever,

M. Chacal

A late UCAS attempt...

I am disappointed, but not really surprised. The BOFH has shown himself to be without imagination or skill, and lacking even the remotest amount of subtlety or cunning. I found a letter in my pigeonhole this morning labelled from UCAS and having kept up with the news I opened it with gloves on. It was from the BOFH and had contact poison on *yawn* and it followed the format of earlier letters precisely. Come on, I'm police now, and there is no point wasting contact poison on paranoid police, especially when they have work crises.

PC Kelpie

An assassin gratefully dies...

Unfortunate victim Will Wiles was all too eager to open his door. All too eager to lose his life as a single knife stabbed him in the chest. As his body fluids oozed out he seemed remarkably calm, noting that he did not really have the time to kill others. He wished me luck on my quest.

Oslak

An interesting situation!

NFG proceeded to Q4 Trinity Hall in the company of Roy and the zombie PFY. Finding the door open, Roy asked the occupants of the room to direct him to staircase O. One of the said inhabitants duly emerged, and was stabbed in the hip. The uncomprehednding look on his face suggested that this was an innocent...

NFG and his accomplices then proceeded to stake out Q4. All the inhabitants duly emerged, and the one wielding a weapon was duly shot with dry ammunition by NFG, and also by the PFY for good measure. The Taxi Driver Man's hand clutched the trigger of his gun, but he was already dead....

NFG

Another cop died today in yet another UCAS letter poisoning... PC Viper received one of the now infamous letters from the BOFH... Another one down...

A failed attempt made at 9:15p.m.

Zombie was somewhat perturbed to find a nasty substance smeared on its door this morning. It did not kill Zombie because Zombie always checks bits of the door it can't see before touching them.

Arty bomb?

Note to wannabe assassin: Obviously you're an arts student, else you would surely know that the force required to detonate a tension-sensitive detonator is far greater than that which Sello Tape (R) can support. I'd go for alternative low-tension methods if I were you... in fact, you are welcome to pay me a visit this evening and I'll give you a quick lecture on bomb detonation and defusing.

Kobra 3050

Useless bomb...

I woke up this morning to find two things:

a) there was a bomb on my door
b) there only *was* one because my neighbour must have defused it

It seemed to lack:

1) detonator
2) something connecting the detonator to the bomb

The bomb had a blast radius of 6 metres which could have been quite nasty had I been anywhere near it if it had gone off. If it had gone off however, it would also have destroyed my neighbour's room.

Nice try, whoever did it. Betcha weren't counting on me having cool neighbours (I still gotta work out who defused it - there was a neat arrangement of small pieces of bomb outside my door when I opened it :-).

There was some kind of housing for the detonator, and it appeared that perhaps a banger in the detonator tube might have made things a little more interesting. This was even crapper than most of my "Class B" bombs on Tit Hall.

I believe that the electricians that came into my room this morning set it off. It turns out that I didn't leave *my* room this morning...

The BOFH

Mr. J. Stafford made a kill today that added him to the interesting Wanted List...

I was doing some particularly tricky physics questions when I heard a knock on my door. It wasn't locked, so I said come in, and politely opened the door for them. The suspicious looking type who had knocked was then joined by another, attempting to conceal a large water pistol beneath his jacket, and holding a small knife in his hand. I was stabbed before I could get my gun from my pocket. I attribute my dull wits and slow reflexes to the detrimental effect of doing physics.

Thomas 'Ominous Pseudonym' Peters

Failed attempt

On their way to the Sidgewick Site Penelope Pitstop and Bandit decided to pop into the Brethren's gatehouse and leave a note for one of the surviving members a note to remind him to buy a calculator before it was to late in case he lost count of the number of brotherhood deaths in the past fortnight. Hopefully the contact poison on the note will add to the toll.

The BOFH fails to kill!!!!

This evening, around 7pm, Catherine Reifen wandered into M. Le Blanc's room while I was there and produced a venomous giraffe. The BOFH, terrified, ran to the other side of the room and sat, cowering in the chair.

Reifen then proceeded to launch the aforementioned rabid animal towards the wall, completely missing the BOFH. "Oh dear," thought the BOFH, "not another completely useless kill attempt on myself. Guess I'll just have to waste this pathetic assassin too..."

The BOFH rummaged around in his armoury (big blue jacket) and after a few seconds produced a large dart gun. The BOFH pumped the dart gun and aimed at Reifen's stomach. The LASER sight shone a small red dot at Reifen's waist. The BOFH squeezed the trigger...

>BLAM<

&*!£^%*!£^%&*^!£*%^!££%^ (lots of nasty swear words)

Unfortunately, due to one of those niggling little mishaps (probably induced by an over-exciting Maths supervision) that always seem to crop up from time to time, the dart had fallen out. A large volume of air proceeded to blow over Reifen, causing a mild disturbance to Reifen's hairstyle. Reifen decided to tuck tail and run like crazy the other way before the BOFH could reload.

The BOFH ran after Reifen, fumbling with the dart and gun in an attempt to get it reloaded to finish Reifen off. Unfortunately, the BOFH is a little fat and couldn't keep up with the sprinting lithe form of Reifen.

I guess that's the first person to have gotten away from the BOFH alive.

And Reifen dies so easily after escaping the cluthes of the BOFH... What a pity...

This evening, not 30 minutes ago, Ms Reifen responded to a seemingly innocent knock on her door. Upon being asked whether she was Catherine she replied yes, and was promptly stabbed through the chest.

Upon noticing her demise she said "Ah - you're an assasin. Hello. Can't chat, I'm fuck late for Choir."

The standards of language in the heavenly chorus have evidently changed since my day...

Squirrel the Snake

More criminal action... And hedgehog abuse...

As I was returning from my boring Organisms lecture I saw Alex Churchill running for his lecture. He wasn't bearing weapons, but he was bearing a garish orange rucksack so I decided he had to die. I ran after him and injected him with lethal toxins and he fell over in an amusing way.

That'll teach him to be late for lectures.

Baron Samedi

Is that 9 already?

Another cop down at the hand of the BOFH - tragically shot outside lectures.

PC Dr Death

Someone needs their pills...

I went to make friends with Fundi but decided to shoot him instead. Look, I didn't take my pills this morning, OK? It's not my fault!

The Wild Mr. M. Vincal Soldier Man, expert Snooker player and spare-time cabbie.

The Giggler has her last laugh...

The Giggler was killed tonite as she returned to her house. She tried to run, but wasn't very good at it so I gunned her down. So now she's full of holes.

Matthew Weakling

Another classic end by General Havoc...

Having gained entry to Matthew Bloch's room via the cunning ruse of wanting to look at his room, I proceeded to shoot at him. He attempted to dodge my fire and drew a cap-gun, but he was shot in the hand, and as my rounds were poisoned, he shortly died.

More police attempts...

In a house containing at least two assassins, we are a little suspscious of the fact that our set of door buzzers were covered in sticky stuff. If it was contact poison, I would like to point out to whoever put it there - we do, actually have keys. But you have managed to kill two innocents by this little trick.

PC Puma

THE BOFH IS FINALLY DEAD - THE REIGN OF TERROR IS OVER

Well done to the Chief of Police. He shot me with a pistol and killed me this morning (about 30 seconds ago). He had staked out my room for 90 minutes, forcing me to miss a lecture. I now have to depart to another world...

The reign of terror is over. The police may sleep safely in their beds.

*coughs up blood*

Another body is added to the piles on S-staircase...

And another criminal falls today to the all-of-a-sudden efficient police force.

Returning from a shopping trip, NFG paused briefly in his stride. Breathing in the fresh spring air, he turned to the man at his side.
"Isn't spring wonderful?"
"Yes, master.." replied the obedient zombie.
NFG sighed, lost in his thoughts... and suddenly, his world turned black as he felt cold steel in his side. "PC George".... those were the last words NFG heard.
The Cambridge sky turned black, and a howling wind arose as the necromancer's power was returned to the void...

NFG

An attempt on a police constable...

I thaw Polithe Conthtable George Thavva today, and dethided to thoot him. He tried to hide behind thomeone tho I miththed and he ran away into a thcary building. I had jutht wet my pantth becauthe I wath tho thcared tho I ran home to change them.

Thamuel Thmitterthon

Treacherous brotherhood...

Several of my former brethren decided that, in view of the fact that I was technically an incompentent assassin, they would carry out my execution in a manner appropriate to one who had not yet drawn blood. Why they told me this, however, is absolutely beyond my comprehension.

Upon leaving the college super hall, I returned to my headquarters to retrieve my flamethrower, and, walking straight into the room of former clan-member current police officer CMOT, who I torched to the point where his charred remains stained the walls.

PC Gaia was next, as I covered myself from my traitorous brethren. Flamed, she was left as a pile of slag, to rot awaiting a worse inferno than the one which I gave her.

I did warn people, that those who messed with the brotherhood with burrrn. And traitors pay the highest penalty.

This event, however, has soured life for me. That such duplicity and traitorous tendencies could exist in a clan so close as we. I pity the fool who does not think this is shocking and depraved.

Thus I welcome my impending death - though I find myself off the wanted list for incompetence, I will surely be slated for the appropriate punishment for the torching of my former comrades.

To the inferno with all of you.

THE GODFATHER has SPOKEN

Captain Colgate shines...

Some wannabe assassin didn't take the humiliation of failing in their (rather coward) bomb attempt in a very gentlemanly manner... and seeing that their name was on the wanted list for incompetence, decided it wasn't that much of a loss to contact-poison the Kobra's door. The Kobra hardly ever uses the doorhandle - the key itself is good enough to pull the door open, but tonight he did. Damn shame. Interestingly enough, the Kobra was returning from a recon mission at the Christian Union dinner...

The Kobra shall strike back.

PC down... mayday... get the Zombie...

'After a sleepless night and a boring morning Tormos the friendly policeman found on the wanted list a person he knew, the evil Zombie, and thought it might be fun to pay him a visit. Armed with a few weapons, I found his secret lair, a maze of stairwells and corridors.

For a few minutes I waited outside the door of the Zombie..........

Suddenly, I felt a tremor in the force. Someone was around, and surely enough, I spotted a person walking around the floor above me, and heard him slowly making his way down the stairs.

Was this my prey? No, couldn't be, no one would be that paranoid. Not wanting to surprise this innocent person with my presence, I walked down the stairs in time with his footsteps......

Then, as I reached the bottom, my wildest prediction was proven correct. A stream of water hit the wall behind me from above, narrowly missing my head. I turned, calling to the evil Zombie that he had missed me.

Then, as soon as he had appeared, he was gone. "This is fun' I thought, as I realised there were at least four entry points around me he could appear from, and covered them all with a keen eye. In a flash, he emerged from the outside door (how??) and we exchanged fire with each other. He had greater range, but I had cover and variable pressure cannon that could fire without reloading..... The balance was tight, all I had to do was wait for him to reload.

And I would have got away with it if it wasn't for those pesky hedgehogs!!!!! I dodged three of the monstrous things as they ricocheted around the stairwell, each narrowly missing me. However, just as my gun's range looked to be improving (it is a very strange gun) the Zombie's aim also improved, and he hit me square in the chest with another hedgehog, and as I died from the poison I was happy, now my boredom and insomnia were cured..........*orange*'

Well done Tom, I'm very impressed that you were expecting me, you paranoid nutter! :)

Boring lectures...

Having survived a 9am Saturday lecture, the Patrician was sadly stabbed a foot outside it, by the wanted criminal Thomas Lansdale. The irony of it all...

Another inner brotherhood killing... This time by Mr. Miyagi

Unfortunately last night I passed away, brutally murdered by one of my brethren who obviously has been driven over the edge by the stress of being a wanted man.

Damn. At least I didn't die a "virgin assassin" so to speak.

M. Chacal

I caught this report today from a PC....

/### incoming transmission ###/

It is my sad duty to report the death of PC Hologram. I /always/ check my door for contact poison with my key... Always, of course, except this once.
I entered my locked room without ever touching the handle with my hand. Unfortunately, when /leaving/ my room I was not so cautious, and on entering I hadn't done the full check for poison, so with a sinking heart I discovered something sticky on the back of my door handle. "Oh, bother," I said, and died. The /one/ /time/ I don't check my door... *sigh*
   _  _
  //\//\
 /__ / / O L O G R A M
//\// /
\\/\ ### transmission interrupted ###\

A late report from PC Taxi Driver Man soon to be added to the Wanted List...

On Friday the 5th of Feb 1999 (a day that will long be remembered for the remarkable performance of the Tit Hall 3rd mens boat in the Robinson Head Regatta) Kieran Lawrence Carter Westley & myself (respectively stroke & bow of the aforsaid boat) felt it necessary to drown our sorrows in an act of sadistic pleasure unparalleled even in the long & bloody history of THE BROTHERHOOD.

Having plotted FRUITILY, our plan was executed with military precision. The Godfather & his select group of bodyguards were lured into H staircase (under the pretences of a pre-curry gathering), where we lay in wait.

As our unsuspecting victims approached the vicinity of Neema's room, they were massacred...some were shot down, some brutally stabbed, others poisoned with a rare toxin which causes instant death (this unfortunately led to a huge number of civillian casualties). The final death toll was as follows:

Da Godfather - Poisoned
Vodka - Poisoned
Vinnie - Stabbed
Snooker (innocent) - Poisoned

As a follow up, I also stabbed Rob Bacon (Too Short) earlier this evening.

Revenge for The Godfather!

I discovered that my Bretheren had been assulted by two of their own! What deciept is this that had to be revenged. The killer of the Godfather, to whom I will always be loyal, A PC Taxi Driver Man was burnt to death on this Sunday the 8th of February. All the enemies of the Godfather will BBBUUUUURRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! As Driver Man was reviewing the Sultan of Sex (deceased) CD collection I turned and using the Godfather's torch burnt his skin in such a way that his inards began to fall out, as they did so they caught fire and Driver Man burnt from the inside out!!!! I then collected what ashes remained and disposed of them in the Sultan's Dust bin. I shall not rest until the Bretheren claims it's power as I the Godfather's heir shall rule over his dimminished but somewhat loyal (beyond the grave) people. I shall not die again, for I AM IMMORTAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Long may the Godfather be remembered and loved for his great acts of kindness to his worst enemies, to have them destroyed before they could do any more damage to themselves or their friends. Death to all those who oppose me.

PC WildThang
Loyal member of the Police,
Loyal leader of the Bretheren.

DOH!

I am so stupid it's unbelievable, I Penelope Pitstop and my trusty side kick Bandit took a detour to Tit Hall this afternoon to see if we could take out a wanted criminal before we began our translation. Having discovered the name of one of his neighbours I knocked on the door and said that I was looking for her. The door was promptly opened and I started firing with my pistol, unfortunately the mystic powers of the brethren had emptied the first five barrels of my gun, so only the 6th and last shot fired by which time the criminal had closed the door and returned to his work. Having failed in our attempt Bandit and I left taking note that the criminals water weapons room looks out onto the court and his window opens, remember this my friends if you venture to his lair yourselves.

Penelope Pitstop

Another attempt on the wanted Miyagi

Today, at around 6:15 pm a large police squad surrounded the room of a certain wanted Mr Kieren Westley. Attatched to them were an anonymous assassin and the notorious Bandit. Mr Westley was seen leaving his room on a sortie to his kitchen, but the death squad was interupted by a group of his friends. As he fled back to his room, a medium calibre was fired at his retreating back from about 6 metres off. The fate of the Assassin is unknown as his door was slammed and he refused to answer as to whether he had been hit. It is unfortunately probable, however, that the door provided enough cover for him to escape serious injury. Bandit covered the window after we had left but reported no movement. No matter - the police shall return.

Time for some new medication...

I hadn't forgotten to take my pills. I'd lost the box. So I went to my psychiatrist, Gainya the Mighty Mouse, who gave me some more pills and just to see if they worked, went back to Christ's with me. Heavily armed.

I then shot a friend of Matthew Rose, so I guessed the pills didn't work.

The Wild Mr. M. Vincal Soldier Man, expert Snooker player and spare-time cabbie and his psychotic psychiatrist Gainya the Mighty Mouse.

Slakko disappears... (and 3 innocents)...

I was just milling around in Clare Old Court, like you do, when, to my surprise, a DipSoc meeting ended!!! And who came out but Slakko Warner! Well, I had no choice. Helpfully pointed out to me by Slakko's disapproving brother, Yakko, I forwent the opportunity to drop an anvil on him (in true WB style), and went for the time-honoured riddling-with-bullets approach. He attempted to lob some sort of projectile, but I easily ducked it and his lifeless corpse fell to the ground.
Oh yeah, I killed Johnathon Amery for the sheer hell of it, and a few innocents too. Naughty me.

Slappy Squirrel

An innocent doppelganger dies...

I saw some guy somewhere and he looked a bit like someone else and the upshot of it all is that he is dead.

Hugh Nimmo-Smith

Another cop down...

I entered the college computer lab at about 1.15am and saw the honourable PC George at a computer. For various reasons, foremost that I wanted to, I pumped him full of depleted uranium slugs.

Well, it could have been worse. For me, that is.

Tim Tit

A Leeking and a safeing!!!

Late this evening, the BOFH must have decided to come to Fitz college in an attempt to kill Emma Bennett (the incompetent criminal). He didn't bank on there being a Fitz Cooking Party (who were expecting the ingredients for BOFH casserole). He was stupidly carrying his BFG-9000. He was an obvious assassin from the moment he was spotted - either it was a CPS-2000 in his pocket or he was extremely pleased to see us.

The BOFH was knocked unconscious with a particularly nasty half-piece of leek by Lady Diamond. The Fitz mafia then carried the recumbant body to underneath a second storey window underneath F staircase (come and get us - make our day - it's too quiet out here - this pathetic attempt is the first thing we've seen!).

A large unsafe was then hauled to the window, filled with large amounts of cheese (Scottish Mature Cheddar - on special offer at Sainsbury at the moment) and dropped onto the corpse-to-be-again by Tigger. There was a short whistling sound and then a loud but very short squelching sound.

Today, Zombie gassed all entrances to the Linear Maths IB lecture killing 61 innocents... Not that they're really innocent since they're mathematicians...

Nothing happened today

Two down...

There has just been another bit of violence at Fitz. Lady Diamond is dead, killed by my sword as she charged up the 2000. PC Edd Pringle, bearing Jim Garrahy's vicious poison flavour razor frisbee fudge (tm) is dead, shot through the heart by my Silly String. I am not even the slightest bit wounded. Although my pride is hurt that nobody found my leeking of Maz or the humorous safe drop the slightest bit amusing. We here at Fitz certainly did. How we did laugh, ha ha ha ha.

You didn't think i could, did you?

Ritual suicide...

In the time honoured tradition of my Father's Kingdom, I ritually slit my throat this morning at sunrise, thus finallising my departure from this plane of reality.

Unfortunatly, since I have beleived myself dead since week 1, and thus have not been participating propery in this game I do not feel justified in beginning my attempts at assassination now.

Satan's Child

Nothing really happened today... Except that it's Christmas time in the incompetent department...

Agent Saphire expires her last breath...

Emma Bennett lies in a pool of blood by the side of Huntingdon Road. I visited her room, and found it wide open, and a lot of chatting coming from the next-door room. I therefore waited a while, then left and came back. As I came back, I noticed a couple walking across the courtyard towards the plodge. Having passed them, I said to myself "I bet that's her", but I went up to her room to make sure. Indeed, the room was shut and the chatting had stopped, so I rushed out to the road, and trailed her all of 50 metres.

Walking up nochalantly behind her, I took out my weapon and said "excuse me" - she turned round, and I fired - and hit her leg. She then proceeded to inquire politely as to whether she was poisoned or merely legless, so I told her she was legless and finished her off with neat shot to the heart.

The Captain

PC Wildthang has been placed on the corrupt list due to his "inability" to kill Mr. Miyagi... Lax cops are useless cops...

The boredom of maths lectures pushed him to the edge... The result? Another cop down the drain...

I don't know how these mathmos put up with, well, maths. After sitting through some boring lectures, enlivened somewhat by one of the lecturers openly bearing weapons as a "demonstration of flux," whatever that means, I followed after one PC Tom Voice and stabbed him swiftly and fatally in the back as soon as we had both stepped out of the sanctuary of the lecture theatre.

The Baron

The corrupt cop dies at his former brother's hands...

I have died once more, and this is my final death. Kieren, one whom the world knows as a scum that will destroy this beautiful city of ours has killed me in the most stylish of ways. I had planned to kill him last night, and of this he must have known. Though how I do not know as I had told nobody. Finally as I was sitting in a College room, he picked up a hat, I had not noticed him sitting there at this point, and threw it in my direction. As it approached me I realised that it was a razor brimmed hat, but it was already too late, the hat cut straight into my chest, and as my guts poored out onto the floor, he stood there laughing at his win! It is yet another sad day for those who loved the WildThang, and never will another so great come again. Hats off to Kieren for a master kill!

PC WildThang is dead, when shall come such another!

PC WildThang
Died at the hands of as many people as possible!!!!

Ceasefire in operation from 0000 hours till 2359...
No poison letters, Valentine's cards, or poison roses shall be sent...
No direct kills...
No indirect kills...
We shall all feast on a Celebration of Love instead of killing each other...

Zzzzz.....

A double-Tim kill...

Just dispatched Tim Pike and Tim Norris in a cleverly planned attack. I looked them both up on the matriculation photo, and went up and lurked around their rooms, until a neighbour of theirs became suspicious, then killed Tim Norris. I then told Tim that I was now prepared to emerge from the shadows and meet his friends having a pancake party. As I was being introduced to Tim Pike, I cleverly drew my other weapon and shot him. He should have about ten holes in his body by now.

All good fun.

I say, is anyone going to have a serious attempt at killing me?

Zaccheaus

Another cop down...

The Kelpie regrets to inform the umpire that today whilst walking along beside New Court she was shot from above by a foul assassin. As she lay dying she observed their gloating forms through a haze of blood and water. They were unidentifiable but the voice of one was clearly that of the odious Stuart Campbell of Jesus College.

Then her vision faded entirely and she was borne away on wings of night to meet her maker...

PC Kelpie

Random killings...

Saw a dodgy looking bloke hanging around my staircase yesterday, so I stabbed first and asked questions later. Turned out he was an innocent. Oops.

Mr.Miyagi

Foiled attempt

... Walking out of my room, 3 people standing there, ask me if I am me (one happens to show a supersoaker). They are very insistant. I was just on the way to the toilet, and as such, was unarmed (buy this didn't turn out to be a problem) These three fools, after repeatedly asking if I was the name on my door, and making it very clear what they were here for were fooled into looking for me in, what was a now packed college bar (which I had just left to get changed for the bop). I later saw them walking around Queens', clearly searching for me.

The Lynx Effect

The Zombie finally becomes what he is...

"What a boring lecture," I thought, as I left my 9.00 and walked across New Museums, "the next one's going to be even more boring, but at least I have a can of coke and a Mars Bar. I'll still fall asleep though, so-"

-THUMP-

And as I picked myself up, it occurred to me that I am now *actually* a zombie - CoP Rich's dagger in my side was the give-away. Then several more police (who all had various reasons to want to kill me) appeared, and it was clear that even if I had been paranoid and put up a fight, I was still the victim of a carefully organised ambush.

Congratulations, penguins, I'm going to blame being half-asleep but we all know it's a lie.

Oh yeah, I should probably add some pretentious crap about my reign of terror being over, and all the people I killed, etc, but quite frankly, I don't think I was that terriifying. :)

The Zombie Lich Lord, Baron Samedi

M. Le Blanc decides to wipe out an incompetent...

It was a lovely rainy day and as I wandered across the Sidgewick site I noticed a familiar looking figure leaving Classics.

"Could this be him?" I thought.
"Could this be the man I have been hunting?"
"Could it be that standing before me is Ashley Chisholm?"

Well as it turns out it was, having got a friend to confirm his identity, I proceeded to shoot him in the head, he didn't actually seem too surprised or bothered by the incedent so I thanked him for his co-operation and proceeded into the library, It's a shame that it wasn't more exciting, as all the stalking and espionage took up a lot of time and I had hoped for something a little more fun. Nevermind killing someone is still quite satisfying, I shall have to write home to France and tell everyone all about it.

Monsieur Antoine August le Blanc

A valid target is killed...

Hearing of a rumour of a murder in the heart of his college, PC Zordok sprung into action and was on the scene within the minute. However, even at this speed or reaction, he was still to late to catch the murderers. He was confronted by a body on the floor, and noticed one of the people was bearing some sort of gun. He shot him down on the spot. Unfortunately, the man bearing the weapon was an innocent (if you can call bearing a weapon innocent). The actual murderers had made a hasty exit...

The Lynx Effect exudes his last incompetent breath...

Deciding to rid the world of the incompetent Chris Croft-White, I, with a couple of associates, visited Queens' college late on Friday night. After a crucial tip-off, we were prepared to stake out the Queens' theatre, where we believed him to be carrying out important business backstage. Spotting him in the bar, however, summarily dispatched him as he attempted to return to the theatre. My associate made the first shot, but as he missed, the death of Croft-White was at my hands. Riddled with bullets, he expired in a seemingly nonchalant manner, crumpling with a carefree sigh. Apologies to any Queens' theatre-goers whose enjoyment of their play was marred by the fact their lighting technician was oozing redly in the middle of Cripps court at the time.

Let this be a lesson: incompetent clowns will die.

PC Flay

Another incompetent dies...

I am communicating via the supernatural medium of email to report my untimely demise at the hands of an assassin unknown. My departure was ushered in by a "poisoned baby hedgehog" concealed within my trainer. If you know of the assassin who employs such a bizarre method of despatchment, then please inform him kindly of his unsavoury success.

Yours from-beyond-the-gravedly,

TomTot

A proper burial...

	              ----------
	             /          \
	            /    REST    \
	           /      IN      \
	          /     PEACE      \
	         /                  \
	         | Richard Boulton  |
	         |  aka "Squirrel   |
	         |    the Snake"    |
	         |                  |
	         |    killed by     |
	         |  Pembroke Mafia  |
	         |       1999       |
	      *  |     *  *  *      | *
	 _____)/\|\__//(\/(/\)/\//\/|_)_____

Just been assasinated by the "Pembroke Mafia" using a couple of bouncing bombs...

*pop*

The Orange influence dies...

Several police officers and myself proceeded to Market Hostel in order to remove the evil villain Adam Sibson. Entrance was gained easily, and we rapidly proceded to locate his room. The fool opened the door when PC Focus knocked, and several high velocity poison rubber bands were immediately launched towards him. Although near certain that one bounced off the wall and struck him in the face, Sibson appeared unharmed and began a protracted firefight. The disturbingly resourceful criminal launched several objects towards us, eventually culminating in an assault with a squeezy bottle. As PCs Focus and Sillence were cut down by this, the criminal took the opportunity to gloat. Whereupon his head was blown off.

Let this be a lesson to all.

Jonathan "Not in the slightest bit a criminal" Davies

A horrible attempt...

Several If that was you, Mr Miyagi then you're a very bad assassin. Spit. Water out of a non-player's window is against the rules, you know. Besides, you can't get rid of Granny Grantham that easily. He's too well-prepared. And quite angry now, too.

well, we may as well openly declare ourselves now. Prepare to be covered in spam, from a great height.

Godmother Mildred of the Pembroke Mafia

A final police attempt on the Wanted Miyagi...

Four men, who offered forceful resistance to the police entering Mr. Miyagi's room and who then threw grenades and fired upon the police from his window, were killed in the ensuing firefight. Of signifigance one, substantially believed to be Miyagi, was shot in the chest at least twice. One of the four shot through the window had already been killed by the police for forcibly blocking the door with his body, so it seems that, since this guy admitted to being double-dead already, Mr Miyagi had spent his last few moments committing Necromancy repeatedly.

Ceasefire, Truce... Then comes the duel...