The Lent 99 Umpire is Nadim "the Nyth" Nehme. Contact him on nn211" if you wish to play in this terms' game

We have a winner!!! It's Charlie "the Purple Cola Bottle" Baylis aka "the Pink Pepsi Can" aka "Ken Juan"...Congratulations!!!

The Duel report is here:

Duel News

Michaelmas '98

click here for Second Phase News

click here for Third Phase News

click here for Fourth Phase News

click here for Fifth Phase News

click here for the post-mortem report. This will be written rather slowly and will account for some of the reasons why odd things happened - it seems that some of the murdering was not entirely psychotic or ritualistic. I will not however give away any alliances or secrets... er, therefore I will say nothing...

Phase 1: 62 players were killed

The tensions in Gangland Cambridge are getting too big. The influx of new personnel is putting too much strain on most of the local "buisnesses", and shifting the local balance of power. And the World's Superpowers, The USA, Russia, Andorra and Nicaragua, are rumoured to have infiltrated the sprawl of College Mafias.

Under the strain of seeing too many gun-toting psychos and being subjected to an iron-fisted monopoly on pineapples, the Camlanders are beggining to believe the rumours of demonic entities being summoned in certain old College towers.

The spynet reports that the Old Order may seek to reclaim what they think is their own. And bizarre examples of the deadly New Technology have been sighted in several Colleges of traditional ill-repute.

Senior Guild officials may decide it is time to begin awarding the MA (Master Assassin) title to outstanding current players. Following various tirades of abuse and machinegun fire from allegedly retired gangsters, the honorary MA will be heaped on all previous winners and runners-up and the honorary PHD (Paranoid Hardened Deathmaster) to the double winner. And the old awards for first dead, most violent police, best nonstandard weapon, best betrayal and other good Guild Traditions will be back. And there'll be a post-mortem report.

The ceasefire between the mafias will be lifted at midnight on the 13th.

Day minus 2 Extensive espionage has started and certain hotspots are expected to flare up in spectacular violence very soon. There has been a torrent of death-threats, one doomed individual receiving FIVE already despite the target lists not being out. Several spymasters have been "working" for three weeks now on miscellaneous well-known players. The number of mafia families active approaches a record high, and creates a demand for more hitmen still to enroll.

Day minus 1 There was a large explosion on Kings' parade, as some institution just had to prove it possesses Semtex. Further, the Umpire and a former Big Mafia Boss were subjected to a botched cycleby bombing outside Christs'. A large yellow bomb flew across the street and safely bounced off the Umpire, harmlessly exploding into the pavement. The Umpire has to say,
"I'm immortal anyway. And I've narrowed whodidit to three people. I'll find out which of them have bicycles to cut it further. If you're playing and you're honest, own up and you can start on the Wanted list for Premature Violence on Bystanders."
There is yet more evidence that the various institutions are acquiring modern heavy armoury, so the warfare is forcast as being unprecedently fast, with perhaps as many as twenty casualties on day 1 (Tuesday)

Day 0 With nine hours to go before the storm breaks out, the corpse of one Kam Atwal has been discovered in A block Harvey Court Caius. Forensic experts have identified it as induced by the psychiatric disorder Acute Doesnthavetimitis, and assure the general populace that it isn't contagious. Verdict: Suicide.

Elsewhere the exchange of death-threats is unbelievably high in a certain college of the highest traditional disrepute. It appears one individual has collected more death-threats than days they've been in Cambridge...Will those threats materialise? Which college DOESN'T have a mafia? And who are the shady spymasters, and on who is their malice bent?...hahahahahahaha

Nadim Nyth Nehmé and Clare Boothby have been instated as Chiefs of Police. They are ready to take on the criminals as they appear.

Tuesday 13

This terms' Lemming Award goes to Judith "Cannon Fodder" Philip,who was found this morning by a concerned neighbour, a fatal kissmark on her face. The neighbour then callously admitted responsibility, and that it had been done at precisely twelve o'clock.

Fundi has declared that two shady gunmen have shot dead an enebriated Miss Chloe Sherlock from point-blank range at 12:20. They do say drinking causes death...,

It's seven past midnight, and 4 to 5 people attacked the Uncle's room in T Staircase, Clare. However, in view of the ten or so death-threats, the Uncle had wired up two bombs to his door, and left it ajar. One of the two devices was set off by the invading party, however, nobody important was blown up, and whoever was thoroughly deserved it...

Fundi and the Warden then callously gunned down secret agent Tamsyn George in her room in Christs'. To explain this violent crime-spree, in the Warder's words:

"I am a vampire Natsci and can only hunt my prey at night. PS, we did enjoy ourselves, and met some nice girls...oops, I mean corpses..."

Nine past midnight, and Falcour narrowly escapes being murdered by two more mysterious characters. His reaction to this was to plant a bomb in somebody's mailbox, and put contact poison on two doorhandles, as a result of which the Lord Nhudri died horribly. This archgangster's corpse was identified as a Mr Alex Cairns. Regrettably, the rules state that the use of contact poson on doors is sufficient to get oneself put on the Wanted List, for endangering friends and bedders. So Yunus Sajad Hussain "Falcour" is Wanted for Murder.

The Uncle is on the rampage, shooting dead Will Wiles around 10 am today.

Oh good! More violence reported. In the words issued by yet another Violent Institution:

Today at 1645 hours, a cunning and daring attempt was made upon the life of an anonymous Robinsonian Murderer. Whilst one brave assassin took up a strategic position on a nearby staircase, one accomplice who shall remain unknown knocked upon the door of the target, who very foolishly opened it. A crossbow bolt from the assassin stationed in the sniper's position clattered a hair's breadth from the head of the dastardly Robinsonian, who rapidly disappeared into his room rather than standing and fighting. Much disappointed, the assassins left the College. Such lack of fighting spirit in today's assassins...

Well, It was 3 on 1 and you had a heavy-calibre crossbow with you, so what do you expect?

And more deaths :)

The Hologram is pleased to report 2 successful kills between the hours of 1730 and 1815 today...

First a visit was paid to one Adam Penny of Selwyn. This encounter featured once again the cry of the terminally suicidal, "Come in - the door's open!" Hologram and accomplice proceeded to do so: accomplice distracted Mr Penny and then stood well clear of the heavy-calibre crossbow bolt, which sped with pinpoint accuracy through the centre of said Mr Penny's chest, whistling away from Hologram's rapidly advancing form through the door.

The deadly duo then moved on to Queens' College, where one George Danezis proved somewhat more cautious, and definitely not "Dun-eazi". The same ploy was used, but Mr Danezis' reflexes were impressive: the second the crossbow-toting figure of Hologram darted round the doorpost, he ducked behind his door. However, we did not immediately depart the scene of the crime, hoping for the curiosity that killed more than just the cat... Sure enough, a minute or two later the door creaked open again. Danezis' head poked round to look for his would-be killers, but the shuriken immediately flying from the Hologram's hand impacted off the door-post millimetres from the target's face, which (unsurprisingly) vanished once more.

With the persistence of total boredom, we still didn't depart, and with fruitful results. Death threats were about to be written on the noticeboard outside the victim's door, but (presumably hearing motion outside) the ill-fated Mr Danezis reappeared once more, clutching a canister of poison gas and looking jumpy enough to use it. Fortunately, three more shurikens hurtled towards him and sliced his side before he could kill all present in a senseless act of suicidal frenzy (for he bore no gas-mask...) Once the stains had been cleared from the (now sadly unneeded) message-board and the crossbow bolt reclaimed from the recently vacated room, the deadly pair walked away, savouring the triumph of two expertly executed dispatches, with only one problem remaining: how to find the way out of Queens'?

(victim's report edited to protect the Hologram's most devious strategies) I was planing my assasinations when sudenly somebody knocked on my door. My > paranoid nature made me ask who it is, as in parallel I was taking my > 'POLO' botle of poison on the right hand (the one with the short range) > the monster, a huge man that, for sure, returned from hell (well in > fact he was a nice guy but he is my killer after all, so I can add some > stuff) just to take me back with him, appeared with a 4 inche Bow In his > hand. And I could recognise it: It was the same that killed achile in the > trojan war, the same that killed El Sid, the same that killed John Wane in > many of his films... my spirit will always haunt them... > > agh............a....a.... >

The Patrician is Dead, and has been identified as a Mr Jeremy Bickerstaffe. Prolific Cam Winstanley has admitted responsibility

Let this be a lesson to all. I am to be feared. Cam Winstanley - a mighty being indeed.

Another psychopath has just reported :)

Despatched: Stuart Middleton, of Clare 13/10/98 8.47pm The Assassin known to his victims as Deathwish planned and carried out a the ruthless and painfull death of this public enemy. He came to a timely end by coming into a horrific contact poison, delicately smeared all over the door to his apartment, killing him within seconds.

Despatched: Benet Reid, of Queens 13/10/98 9.08pm After detailed early reconnaisance work to locate his exact position, the target was pinpointed and ruthlessly gunned down at close range by Deathwish. As he was frequently his college bar there were dozens of witnesses, and quite a crowd gathered to stare at the bleeding corpse.

Oh dear, there were witnesses, who reported the killer to be a Mr David Cleverly. And contact poison on people's doors is a Wanted List offense. So you've blown your cover, and the "penguins" are out to get you...

And there were witnesses in Jesus Computer room, who have blown Cam Winstanley's cover, identifying him as a Mr Garrett.

Some nasty murderer poisoned gift biscuits addressed to Mark Snellgrove, whose blue corpse was retrieved from Great Court Trinity and flogged off to a nearby "Meals on Wheels" to be made into kebab meat

Scot Morrison is dead, having eaten TWO varieties of poisoned food. His Ghost then triggered a bomb in his Mailing box. He expresses a strong desire to be allowed to rest in peace.

Wednesday 14

The Clare Mafia signed the liberal use of contact poison around the Uncle's room in T staircase, Clare. Whoever is responsible should own up and be put on the Wanted List. The attempt failed to unnerve, let alone endanger the paranoid Uncle

And more institutions

We left Fitzwilliam one cold damp evening, dressed to kill and armed to the teeth, hair, and nails. Our mission, find our two sweet boys from Kings, and inhume them tastefully. We entered under cover of the LesBi Gay Squash, proceeding to room R2b for the dispatchment of one Jodie Humphreys. Which went as follows. Emma Knocked on his door. Jodie Opened His Door. Emma shot Jodie in the chest with a paper pellet fired from an elastic band (I chose this weapon because he stipulated Water with Care only) He died gracefully.

Then the Femmes Fatales from Fitz had an undecisive melee with one Cristian Asby, as a result of which a neighbour of his died due to the persistance of excessive "Vanilla" poison gas in the corridor outside. So Kathleen Brazier is Wanted for Murder. Having dodged a vicious Machete, Mr Asby pulled out a 2-barrelled heavy machinegun and attempted to open fire from within his room, which failed for technical reasons, and has booked him also a place on the Wanted List, this time for Incompetence.

Mr Garrett is critically ill in Hospital after a nasty incident this morning. His killers have 3 days to own up properly ie not by a fake email address in the name of a 3rd party, or he will recover his health.Until then, he is frozen out of the game, no actions by him or on him having any validity.

Today, Kelpie is happy to report a success. The killing was a total surprise - while cycling past the New Museums site, keeping her eyes open, she noticed the form of one Jochen Rink (late of Christ's). Swiftly preparing herself, she moved up as he waited for the traffic. Justice was swift, and Jochen died instantly and painlessly from a stab to the heart from the Kelpie's small and handy knife.

Somebody calling themselves Bradon Higgs on what appears to be a fake email account, has reported a false death - that of Mr Garrett. This individual better own up as to who they really are, and explain themselves properly, as they risk expulsion from this terms' game due to blatent dishonesty. If they own up as soon as possible, they will be spared this, and only the person responsible for the start of the false rumour will be put on the wanted list.

"Mr Higgs" had confided in a so-called experienced assassin who in fact isn't and never has played before, who then thought it was funny to make things up. Unfortunately this miserable wretch found out it was for real, as the Umpire sent him to hell with a thunderbolt. Please note that this individual is no longer eligible as an accomplice, as that would constitute Necromancy :)

Mr Garrett will be released from Hospital tomorrow at 9:00 am

Meanwhile, the level of violence continues to rise:

From Fitzwilliam College: a Mr Greg Lupton was viciously murdered by yet more shady characters. Further, the Uncle has been subjected to yet another attack, in his quest to single-handedly bust the evil Clare Mafia. The disgruntled ghost of his assassin Peter Elliott has to say:

I lie dead, shot in the headwith a minature water pistol by my own intended victim, the Uncle ,while trying to throttle him with a garotte. As I walked up his stairs , the paranoid git was waiting for me . Hes been jumping out on anyone who comes within a ten metre radius of his room. Wish good luck to his next assassin.

Well, the Uncle Did receive over ten death threats, and this was the third attack in two days on his room by the Clare Mafia, so what else can you expect? Oh yes, more carnage...

At 3.45pm today I and two accomplices, "The Mauve Marauder" and "The Achromatic Archduke" payed a trip to a "friend's" room. I took sniper position round the corner, as my alliterative accomplices knocked on the door of my victim. They quickly departed, like the cowards they are. However, all was not lost. My victim foolishly left his room, to find these mysterious visitors, at which point I shot him repeatedly in the face, blowing his skull and brains all over the hallway. Thomas Voice is now dead, long live Archaeonecros! Archaeonecros + loyal henchmen

so, another bunch of murderous madmen is on the loose! And, just to prove a point, Archaeonecros then went solo, downgrading his morals further to patricide...

In the oldest of traditions I was assassinated by my college son at 19:00. You teach them everything you know, train them and look what happens. Ah well it's no less than I expected. The irony of it all was that I was on my way to assassinate one of my targets....

Poor old Wol!

Kills at a distance have started, with a lack of effect...

I would like to report the dismal failure of a poison letter assasination attempt on my good person. Becoming suspicious of the large letter with no postmark, I opened it with the aid of two pairs of scissors, and so never touched the poison. n.b. the letter was unsigned. Could I have a decent kill attempt, please?

said a recipient, pushing their luck...and, meanwhile, Phunky M was lucky to evade a violent psychopath on his premises, by means of assaulting him with an intricate Brazilian dagger. Finally, the secret ones declare their intent and malice:

We are the mafia about whom you know nothing. We are untraceable, invisible, invincible. You cannot catch us and you will not know us until the end... bwahahahahahaha..... Yours sincerely The Unknown Mafia

Funny how this message statistically scans like "Mr Higgs". Or perhaps they suffer from the same megalomania...

Thursday 16

In the early hours of the morning...

I am disappointed. Or am I just insulted? A very poor attempt was made on my life today in such a dubious envelope - stains showing through. I neatly opened under full protection and tweezers - margarine of all things.

the Trilobite.

Another contact poisoning occurred in Clare college, and on the wrong person's door, too. Please own up, as an innocent person turned green this morning. Remarkably this incident did not happen near the Uncle's room - what happened there today was that the Uncle gratuitously executed his neighbour Chris Brown, thus taking his tally of death in this game to seven people (including the four nameless accomplices who sprung his booby-trapped door).

V staircase Kings still smells of vanilla poison gas, all of Mr Asby's neighbours and his girlfriend Eve have perished in the evil fumes. Could the police and players disembowel the Psychotic Femme Fatale From Fitz, Kathleen Brazier,please, in the name of the 1956 Clean Air Act?

Security cameras revealed Phunky M's assailant to be the Wanted Criminal David Cleverly of Caius. The general populace are warned that this individual is armed to the teeth and highly deranged. Archaeonecros has extended his reign of terror today:

With a cosh concealed up one arm, and a hand-gun in my pocket, I and the Mauve Marauder travelled to the room of my intended victim, one Masum "Sam" Shaikh, an acquaintance of mine. I cunningly persuaded him to accompany to the Trinity computer room to read the Game News, knowing full well he would never arrive. We travelled through the sun-soaked surroundings of Great Court, talking about his future assassination plans, when I produced my cosh, and proceeded to twat him around the head, knocking him unconscious. I then produced my trusty handgun, and pressed it against his nape, executing him gangland-style, in full view of all (1 student and a few bemused tourists), before I and my trusty accomplice made our getaway, the bells tolling 2pm as we left.

Oh dear, that was careless. Kills with witnesses lead to the identification of the murderer. However, you get away with this one as they were tourists. They however gave a sketchy description of Archaeonecros, as being 1 metre 70 tall and wearing no glasses.

More banter from the Secret Ones:-) We have been dreadfully insulted! The mere thought of associating with a lowlife such as Higgs! We are no megalomaniacs, no, we are subtle and clever. We shall strike terror into the hearts of our victims, and we shall slay with one swift, silent stroke! We are the unknown mafia, the silent ones, the deadly killers. We are the Mafia who say.......NI!

Fundi shot someone calling themselves "Peter" for bearing medium calibre outside the Uncle's room. Our forensic team are currently conducting an autopsy to reveal who "Peter" really was...

Yeeeees! The Wanted Criminal Yunus Hussein "Falcour" has just been shot in the head at the end of the Queens' Matriculation dinner. His assassin's details remain secret, as the witnesses have been told the murderer was enforcing the law on an evil contact poisoner

Friday 16

To my disgust, "Mr Higgs" has been identified as Mr Garrett himself, who therefore lied to the Umpire about his own death being faked. Therefore he is placed on the Wanted List. He is also understood to have killed an innocent bystander whilst allegedly "in Hospital". He is the first MOST WANTED CRIMINAL in Cambridge, and thoroughly deserves a particularly messy end.

"Peter" has been identified as Alistair Maynes, the Uncle's neighbour, who got himself mixed up in what he shouldn't have. Further, the real "Peter" is dead, having foolishly pretended to be an assassin who had come to get the Uncle. The Uncle obliged, putting a bullet through his head, taking his tally for the game to eight:-)

There were gunmen last night invading the outer regions of Caius, but there is as yet no evidence of there having been any violence. Unlike in the geology department, where the corpse of Andrew "Llama Man" Macbeth was discovered today, with a knife between the shoulder-blades and a spilt coffee.

Here is Llama Man's sig :-)

Llama Man, Llama Man,
| He can do anything a llama can.
He can bleat, he can trot,
He's got everything a llama's got.

Colin "Big Splodge" Towers was ruthlessly gunned down by Emarkienna:

After many days of careful planning, I decided it was time to make my move. Following the Splodge down King's Parade, I saw him suddenly enter that food-type shop thing, so I attempted to look interestedly into a nearby gift shop window. Then, as he emerged back into the street, I produced my gun, and proceeded to fire in the vague 'head' region of the Splodge, scattering bits of brain and splodge onto the street and nearby tourists.

The tourists reported Emarkienna to have short brown hair and big glasses. When will killers learn to keep their morbid passtimes private?

And just in from The Scythe:

Just a quick note to inform you that a certain Ben Timms of Peterhouse was gunned down in cold blood at 4.30 on Friday 16th October, as he turned up for a medical appointment, that turned out to be his appointment with The Scythe.

Michael Rayment messed with whom he shouldn't have and paid for it horribly:-)


And Sam Taylor goes on the wanted list for using his neighbour to detonate a bomb disguised as a phone directory. And one of the mafias has contributed further carnage:

The Warden led the attack, bursting into Sebastian "The Tramp" Bleasdale's room with a high powered kick to the mid door point. On entry, he strood over to where the victim wa sitting at his desk and fired five shots into the victims back from near point blank range. Here is the problem. The gun did not fire, but merely rotated the barrell. I was therefore forced to take action, firing one sucessful shot into the victim, killing him instantly.


Further, the wanted criminal Matthew Garrett has murdered PC Bickerstaffe, and belittled the three people with the heavy crossbow who failed to recognise him as he safely returned to his room. Kill him now!

Saturday 17th

More murder! perhaps this game will finish on time...

The Persian Perv has killed Chris "The Vegetable" Simms of Trinity. After planting a bottomless pit in Chris's room on Thursday, The PP returned to inspect his handywork. Chris would not answer his door... Was he dead? Was he awaiting this visit, and arming himself? These would have been wise questions to ask, but instead the PP thought "****". But as he descended the staircase, his curiosity unsatisfied, he came across a semi-nude figure. It was Chris, innocent and helpless as a new born babe. Chris had summoned all his ingenuity to avoid the pit, but now was left facing a fully loaded canister of poison gas (masquerading as a Harley Davidson deoderant). He new his game was up. He said his last prayers, had his last cigar, went to his last Lloyd Webber musical. Then I killed him with the gas.

Matthew Bloch was killed at 1.30am today, while returning to King's college from Queen's. He was garrotted and died quickly. I had been with him all evening talking about the assassins guild and how he planned to kill his targets; he suspected nothing. His lack of suspicion caused his death. Sam 'the cat' Taylor

Maybe the Uncle could have leant a bit of paranoia to poor Matthew...

Oh, Yeeeees! The evil Mr Garrett has been polished off:

Garrett met a suitably ignoble end this afternoon, killed not by a crossbow, nor any other flash and costly weapon, but by a lowly knife set up as a cunning wrist stiletto. As the most terrible criminal left the library, he was tailed by the Kelpie across Jesus College. He never even looked round. He was stabbed as he left the p'hole room, when he rather foolishly answered to his name. He had up until then been rather cunning - as the Kelpie and her 2 accomplices waited outside his room, a blond character wearing glasses came up the steps. His appearance corresponded to the photo on Garrett's website. He calmly ignored the crossbow and said 'I'm not who you think I am,' and walked into a different room. Upon reading the news, we were consumed with rage at finding out that this had indeed been Garrett we'd missed. Until today, as a bomb was set outside his room, his neighbour turned up and said Garrett was in the library. So we checked (naturally) and then went to the library. Now it was here that Garrett's foolishness in shooting the Patrician was fully realised, for the witness of that shooting was the accomplice who came with the Kelpie. After pointing out the dastardly Garrett (who has - or had - dark hair and no glasses), the accomplice left to fetch reinforcements. After far too long, Garrett came out and the rest is as told above. It was a highly satisfying kill.
The Kelpie

Whilst The Cat continues a most bloodthirsty rampage, murdering Will "Paragon" Harris

The Contact poisoners targetting Queens' are reported to be improving but still far from good enough

Just in from Emmanuel College:

an attempt was made on my life between 19:30 and 19:40 by means of chocolate spread (fast acting) being placed on my door handle. However, the the first person to touch the handle was my friend adrian cable, coming back from the loo. Clearly this assassin has inadvertently killed an innocent - i hope that he will be honest and own up

The Wanted Criminal Sam "The Cat" Taylor has struck again! Somebody kill him, he's too good...

Ollie Weeks' throat was slit in Clare College bar today at 2320. The attack was provoked by the fact that he was visibly carrying a weapon (not intended for me however; he didn't notice me until he was dead). The attack lasted around 3 seconds and was performed with a 5 inch hunting knife.

The Cat.

Sunday 18th

Thankfully, the terms' first police hero, Adam Sibson, has saved us all vfrom The Cat, viciously garrotting him in Kings' bar around midnight...

The Puma cut a target's cyclebrakes, but unfortunately the cyclechain was broken so the bike wasn't ridden before the malicious labels were discovered on it, informing the owner that riding it would cause death by being squashed by a lorry...Nice try, but perhaps four weeks premature...

Hologram is dead, from a lack of paranoia and over-fondness for shurikens...

I am pleased to report my first successful kill. Having cunningly discovered my targets room by reading my target list, I gained access by the equally devious method of knocking. I realised that I could have aroused his suspicions when he hid behind the door and threw a shuriken at me, luckily it missed and I was able to finish him with a single point blank pistol shot to the chest.

Yours, The Ominous Pseudonym

The capgun pointing into an open mailbox in Queens' failed to fire properly until the room's occupant was safe. In contrast, the Uncle makes no mistakes, shooting dead the gangster Stephen Ball in retribution for verbal death-threats involving a refrigerator

Then, the Sheila and her Dog Society assembled in the Umpire's room. The outcome was predictably savage...

I was distracted from the fun of cuddling my fluffy toys and reading children's stories with the news that Kelpie would be coming to kill us all. And indeed, she did turn up, but for now we were all safe (being the Umpire's room we were in...) As we all left, I kindly let her go out the room before me, so I could follow right behind her. I had decided that poisoned jaffa cakes and explosive cuddly toys weren't my style, so I blew her head off with my gun. The moral of this story is, don't attend a meeting that's full of assassins, when we all know you're an assassin, and we knew you were coming anyway...


Four shady figures then ran off into the night. But it wasn't over. Archaeonecros then took the Lemming:

Having cunningly infiltrated a veritable den of assassins, at which I identified my unfortunate victim, the Lemming. I waited for her to make her way home, and at 2345 hours, she and a friend were walking up to Great Gate, unaware of my presence. As I approached, I was detected, and pulled my gun out. The Lemming tried to run, but only made it into Great Gate itself before being brutally gunned down, at which point I left. Quickish.


So ended a Black Sunday for the hopes of the Christian Union Mafia, as the real bad guys made the first few tactically-valuable kills and took over the city

Monday 19

There was no direct violence for most of the day. From our agent in a far away place:

I wish to report the death of a large patch of grass in Homerton. Sometime over the weekend I received through the UMS a suspicious package, which, owing to my total paranoia, I elected to open with a knife (someone elses, to avoid contamination), outside, and at arms length into the wind. A not insubstantial quantity of white powder flew out and covered part of the lawn, which I can only assume is now dead. Thanks to my precautions, I was avoided being hit by the stuff, and will live to fight another day...

Another of our agents from Far Away messed up, however: the Girtonian Gangster Christopher Jefferson murdered an innocent lady in St Catherine's today, and has been put on the Wanted List.

With the night, there came the violence...

The Police have removed David Cleverly, the criminal mastermind of Caius:

On orders from headquarters, we proceeded to 4a Rose Crescent. We gained access through the simple expedient of grabbing the door when someone left the premesis. Entry was rapid, and we quickly located the suspect's room.

As we prepared to apprehend the perp, a group of people came up the stairs. One stopped outside the suspect's door and produced a key, which he then used to unlock the aforementioned door. He did not deny that he was the suspect, and as such was shot. He then revealed that he was the victim of a case of mistaken identity, and in fact was already dead. He then entered the room and shut the door behind him.

As we deliberated as to our plan of further action, the door opened again and the suspect appeared. He immediately opened fire with a standard-issue revolver, and quickly gunned down the four civilian volunteers acompanying myself and PC Taylor. Thankfully, we were standing sufficiently far from the villain that his shots missed us entirely. As he stood there gloating, we dragged ourselves out from under the pile of bodies and pointed out that we were still alive. At this, he lunged towards us bearing a knife. Both myself and PC Taylor opened fire with our guns, which misfired several times before finally bringing him down.

PC Winstanley

The Umpire has decided that the rogue shot by the police was evidently vworking for Mr Cleverly, and given his lying and possession of Mr Cleverly's key, they will not be suspended from duty.

Meanwhile the second Dethsquad was deployed in Fitzwilliam:

Report by Police Officers Macbeth and Ohsan-Berthelsen (deceased) At 20.30 hours, PO's Macbeth and Ohsan-B proceeded to Fitzwilliam College in order to 'arrest' the wanted criminal Kathleen Brazier. We were assisted by four accomplices from the volunteer police force. Upon arrival at Fitz, our SWAT team was noticed by Katherine, who fled into her room with a bottle of tomato ketchup. Foolishly, she left her keys in the outside of her door.

Actually it was Emma's room(Umpire)

After a few minutes spent trying to persuade Kathleen to leave her room, so that her companions could be spared and she could have her keys back, one of the people in her room opened the door. We could see that Kathleen had positioned herself behind the open door via the reflection in her window on the far side of the room from the door. Bravely, Officer Ohsan-B. dived into the room with a crossbow (standard issue, supplied by myself), but was unable to fire a shot before he was cruelly removed by a frenzied ketchup attack. He suffered mortal wounds to the head and shoulder. Her chair and wall came off substantially worse. During this attack, I had positioned myself by the door and fired two rounds from my gun through the crack by the hinges at one of the criminals hidden behind the door. The range was substantially less than one metre.

But the crack in the door was deemed to be insufficiently big to freely allow bullets through(Umpire)

Once we had recovered the body of our Officer we were preparing to leave when we were attacked by one of the other criminals holed-up in the den. A vicious gas attack killed one of the volunteers, and the other three only escaped by making a dash for safety down the corridor before the spray was made. I was protected by a gas-mask I was wearing. We took refuge behind a glass door, and worked on an attack plan to bring this new murderer to justice. However, before we could act, she made another attack with the gas. She succeeded in killing the dead volunteer a second time, but took a bolt in the arm from my crossbow. Disabled from further attacks, she was helpless to defend herself, and I finished her off with 3 rounds to the chest from less than one metre. She accepted death with good grace, and gave her name as Emma, but would not give her surname.

1 wanted criminal (on wanted list)

1 cop-killer

1 cop

1 volunteer cop

1 chair

1 previously white wall

1 cop's coat

Emma Bennett's death is justified as she tried to murder the police-force, and was obviously associated with the vicious Kathleen Brazier. So the Femmes Fatales from Fitz have lost a member...

But the wanted criminals are on the rise again. Just in from Clare (where else?)

A knife through my stomach was not enough, as while my assailant was outside the room in which DipSoc was busy winding up, I was just inside the door. Unfortunate (I checked with Jon Amery for a ruling). Then all I needed to do was get away, once I was tired of attacking PC Hologram with the Amazing Contact Poison Aftershave (and attempting to kill an innocent bystander). Fortunately, I knew the back way out of the maze known as Clare Cellars, and was therefore able to get out of College before my assailants struck. Alas! I was too slow - for I needed to put my lights on my bike and undo the lock. I knew there was no time, so I holed up behind a pillar and waited. Unfortunately Mike knew where I was, and skirted wide. I was shot at medium range through the heart before my poison could get anywhere near him. The only consolation is that he took out two innocent bystanders while he was doing it.

The vicious Puma, Michael Jeggo, who has suspected Christian Union Mafia connections, had the guts to add...

Holding my breath against the toxic fumes, I produced my pistol and proceeded to shoot him several times. Unfortunately, in the dark I was unable to aim effectively, so when Slakko fell, there lay beside him the corpse of an innocent caught in the crossfire. So, come and get me, you'll never take me alive! (Not that you'd bother to try that, of course.)

Go for it, "Penguins", spill his guts...

Tuesday 20

The bomb planted on Mr Asby's door was incorrectly wired and therefore failed

Go to bed...At 00:30,Rob 'Elephant' Bacon is dead at the hands of Almarkandre:

Whilst reading some friendly email, I decided to a quick hermes check for my target, Elephant, who was at the same college as me, and realised he was logged onto the computer just behind me. This is too easy, I thought, although the sudden rush of adrenalin had caused me to lose all dexterity, and by the time I had drawn my gun, he had left the computer room. Never mind, I followed him, and shot him.

Somebody else gets going:

Mark Davies, late of Downing college was summarily executed with 3 shots to the chest for the pitiable crime of leaving his door ajar.

And the wanted Criminal Michael Jeggo has started a most vicious cop-killing spree, Murdering WPC Tamsyn George and PC Garrett... Close him down, you penguins! He's insane and probably heavily-armed and accompliced. He foolishly admitted Christian Union Mafia connections. The Christians may use him to sweep the city clean of suspects and police, and the Christian Cops are suspected of corruption. As PC Cannon Fodder admits:

'We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.' 2Cor4:8-9

We're not gone yet, you know...

The CU mafia

Given this, the Umpire hopes the Christian Union will not further lower its morals to include the practise of necromancy...

Please note that Kathleen Brazier is alive and ready to commit further attrocities. Gun her down properly, you penguins... The penguins today were more efficient, doing in the Puma with a fair ammount of style:

Jeggo died at around 2100 today. I went to his address with one acclompice and looked round the premises. My acclomplice fortunately knew him (very vaguely though); enough to enter his room 'for a chat'. Hence, my acclomplice buzzed Jeggo, and asked to be let in "to speak to you about some things". Jeggo opened the door to the accomodation by remote control and we were in. My acclomplice went up to Jeggo's room (2nd floor) while I waited out of site on the 1st floor. My acclomplice was finally let into the room after Jeggo had finally been convinced my acclomplice hadn't brought anyone with him (!). I waited until the two parties were talking before slipping upstairs. I noticed the door had been left ajar, making the attack all the more easier. I thus burst in, and pumped three bullets into Jeggo's chest. He was brandishing a green light-sabre but it was of little use. I and my acclomplice made a swift exit, whilst Jeggo began furiously typing something on his computer. I split from my applomplice, cahnged my clothes and faded into the night................

The killer will remain anonymous due to Mr Jeggo's unpleasent connections:-)

Wednesday 21

More murder from T staircase, Clare. Surprisingly the Uncle wasn't involved, instead Ben Lumsden did it...

Also in the region, Catherine watched the unarmed Ben Lumsden go past from the shower. The conversation went:

Catherine: Hey. Aren't you meant to be killing me?

Ben: Whatever gave you that idea?

Ben then walked past her into his room, returning shortly with a large bow. Catherine is dead.

Further, PC Stephen Ball fell into an evil bottomless pit. As he hadn't appeared yet on the police list, the Persian Perv is exused just this once, and told to read the news more often

Not Long ago, Satan's Child pumped a room in Trinity full of poison gas. When the target, Alex Deane, opened his door, much gas diffused into the corridor causing widespread death in F staircase. Satan's Child has been identified as a Mr Dan Rowles, and duly put on the Wanted List. Be warned, you penguins, he is both well-armed and highly deranged...

Satan's child has issued the following statement:-)

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

thereore he contact-poisoned Harvey Court, as a result of which the gangster Emily Kerr died opening her associate's door

There was further mafia-busting in the night:

Last night, a botched kill attempt on Jon 'Dr. Eviscerator' Hall was attempted at Queens' College. Tom Oinn and I (Mr Magoo) carefully checked his room - the door was open, and we could see Jon inside. So, we charged into the room, Tom wielding a club and I holding my sacrificial dagger. But Jon was too fast, pulling a gun from nowhere and shooting Tom in the face at point-blank range. Tom's dying action was to club Jon in the arm, causing him to drop the gun. At this point, realising I had brought a knife to a gunfight, I turned chicken and fled! Oh, and this was all witnessed by Jon's neighbour...

Hence why the Umpire didn't cut Jon's nam from the report...

Thursday 22

But Ben "Mr Magoo" Mansell got it today, in a most violent encounter:

On Thu, 22 Oct 1998, The Umpire wrote:


Not for long! I've just been killed by Thomas Peters. Foolishly opening my door, I see an assassin standing there pointing a gun at me. Before he managed to get a shot at me, I slammed the door closed and ran back into my bedroom, to pick up and arm my handy 'suicide grenade'. Activating the dead man's switch on it, I opened my bedroom door and was going to explain to the assassin that if he shot me, we both would be blown sky-high. Unfortunately, as I opened the door, he blew me away with several more rounds. As my lifeless hand released the button on the bomb, the top of T staircase, Queens' College exploded in a ball of flame. (Unfortunately, the blast wasn't big enough to take out the porter's lodge below) So, we're both dead.

The Ominous Pseudonym's ghost has to say:

He made it to a back room, and shut himself in. I patiently waited for him to reemerge and try to kill me, and when he opened the door a crack I immediatly shot him in the head, then in the heart. It was at this moment I realised he was carrying a large bomb with a dead man's switch. As it detonated and spread me across the wallpaper I decided I had probably made a mistake. Such is life. Thomas 'Ominous Pseudonym' Peters

This was the fiftieth kill of the game, which is a rather violent death-rate. Indeed this game could be a freak in its timing and overall structure...Oh dear, more dead...

Maths 1A is too crowded, so they callously got Chris Jefferson outside lectures with very low calibre, possibly in the nape from point-blank

The Uncle stormed the City this afternoon. As a consequence, Nazirah Jethra was dismembered in Tit Hall by a heavy-calibre bow, and the wanted Criminal Cristian Asby was trapped in his room by a better-quality bomb:

Well done on your first fully operational bomb. This time you actually almost caught me, however I was no fool and as you cowardly ran after knocking I opened my door very slowly, releasing the detonator from the wall with pair of scissors, and thus rendering the bomb safe. Perhaps stronger sellotape next time? You never know, one day you might actually get one to explode! Bwwwaaaahahahahahaha! Fight me like a warrior, coward!

Well, you've heard what he called you, Uncle...

Another mafia member has met her deserved end at the hands of a most vicious murderer:

Nia Early was executed with a shot to the head out side Jesus caff'. As she was going to eat some caff food, she was about to die a lingering and painful death anyway, so I reckon I did her a favour really. There were a handful of witnesses who paid not the slightest bit of notice to the spray of bits of Nia, or her twitching corpse. I blame all this desensitising TV violence myself.

Nia's ghost says:

The Trilobite has suffered a 2nd extinction after a 'few' million year time gap, it's defence unable to compete with modern weapons. It was killed by a species of its own habitat whilst waiting to feed.

Friday 23

Today there was only one kill. But it was good:

Ric "the Dark Knight" Davey was cruelly killed by "The Persian Perv" It was (as always) carried out by use of PVC and plastic. This time a knife/fork provided by the best Fudge Shop in Cambridge was the weapon. The Dark Knight saw the PP take out the easily identifiabe knife/fork, and assumed that Fudge would soon be offered. Licking his lips in anticipation he was cruelly shocked to find it buried in his intestinal passages. The excellent double use of the knife/fork allows the killer to feast upon the victim in cannabilistic fashion after the dreaded dead is done.

Necrotrophy wasn't the most vile act committed today. Whilst excused from necromancy, Cristian Asby had dug up his girlfriend Eve's corpse, which constitutes necrophilia. The said corpse opened the door this morning and had its decomposition accelerated by a bomb the insulted Uncle had wired to Cristian's door. He has to say:

"To the Amateur bomb association: Congratulations on your first explosion! Unfortunately, you were unlucky. The bomb was triggered by someone other than me, and I awoke in the morning to find pieces of a person and a door scattered around my room, which the bedder found most distasteful."

The Umpire thanks the pieces of Eve's cadaver for being kind this afternoon, and so reconstituted her back to her zombie form.

Saturday 24

Unfortunately one of our old favourites has retired from the Game today:

"This vendetta is one that Her Majesty's Government cannot allow you to pursue 007 !"

"Then I hand in my resignation"

"This isn't a Country Club 007 - you can't just resign. I'll require you to hand over your weapon immediately."

(thump. Bond exits over the balcony)

His name was Bond. Michael Bond. And he's not playing now so don't wet him...

There has been extreme violence in Fitzwilliam. After Kathy Brazier used most impressive methods to free her of a bomb planted by Captain Brownlow's Mafia:

On a cold Friday's evening, I and a couple of associates travelled to the Fitzwilliam Fortress, with the purpose of eliminating wanted criminal Kathleen Brazier. We found her room, and ascertained that she was in, then placed a prepared bomb onto her door, primed to detonate on opening. One of my associates then knocked on the door, attempting to lure her out of her room. Unfortunately, she had heard the bomb being placed, and refused to open up. We left, dismayed, but the door was still wired to explode, and hopefully my victim will be forced to open it.

Captain Brownlow

Likewise, the Fitz Defense Infrastructure caused two more coppers to die:

At around 4.40, there was a knock on the door. Shortly afterwards, a mysterious lady lured the characters onto the stairwell, allowing me to sneak out and score a direct hit with a paper pellet on the nose of PC Hologram, who died graciously. I then waited, until PC Puma re-emerged from the bottom of the stairwell, with a water pistol. Whilst he was still attempting to obtain a clear shot, I fired several more pellets, eventually hitting him on the top of the head with my last pellet.

There was however a price: WPC Emma Bennett of Fitz is now Wanted for Corruption.

Oi, they're GOOD PLAYERS you silly penguins... Use decent tactics and equipment or they'll win easily

The Black hole in Clare failed to work because it was used outside the range of validity stated on its license

Kathy Brazier strikes yet again...

We went into Sidney. We found "T" Floor, where a party was evidently in progress some doors down from the target's room. We asked politely as to George's whereabouts, at which point everybody in the room pointed, and he stood up. Kathleen then shot him in the solar plexus with a paper pellet. He died gracefully and even offered to buy us a drink. Quite a pleasant mission all told, given the carnage we hill-dwellers have seen over the past week or so. We then proceeded to sashay down the principal staircase of the building singing the revised Killer lyrics of New York, New York. Which will be forthcoming soon.

And a new nutter gets going:

At 9;30 this evening, i dealt with mark thomas. after luring him to the phone, i slipped out of the darkness and wrestlied him to the floor. Avoiding several blows from an opportunely placed door wedge i drove my razor sharp dagger into his chest, and put an end to his career. I will strike again,


Sunday 25

The events today were by far the most important to date. In brief, The Uncle carried out a most brilliant and spectacular triple legal kill of three good players:

"The UNCLE" carved his way through three Assassins last night. He had infiltrated the "Shiela and Her Dog Society" posing as a gormless gullible fool called Robert (Bob's your Uncle! e.a.) However, after the meeting at a prechosen point on their walk to the park afterwards, the UNCLE struck. Cristian Asby and Mark Harman fell dead to two shots from the UNCLE's pistol before he pegged it. Noticing pursuit by the lengthening shadows overtaking him from the streetlights (was this good planning or what?) he rounded the corner obviously and hunched down. Sure enough, an Assassin named "Tom" came round the corner firing high. It took him but a moment to correct his aim by which time the UNCLE had shot him. Rather than procrastinate with several other Assassins just around the corner, the UNCLE fled using his intimate knowledge of the backstreets." "Unfortunately there were witnesses, and the Shiela and her Dog Soc. has identified the UNCLE as Robert Driver (e-mail rejd2).

Further enquiry and application of the rules led us to discover he'd left a fake name and email contact. He is in fact a Mr Edmund Pringle

The dead were identified as Almarkandre Emarkienna Mark Harman, the Wanted Criminal Cristian "Mr Pengo" Asby (Who had insulted the Uncle). Tom was identified as a Mr Lansdale, and was both Captain Brownlow and Archaeonecros

The Uncle evaded the attentions of a second shady pursuer, who expressed a strong interest in doing the Uncle over properly

Archaeonecros' ghost had to say:

Attending my weekly meeting of Suicidal Assassins' club, the safety of the official meeting times ended and we all headed off into the dark streets. I am constantly on yellow alert at these occasions, given the high concentration of assassins. Tonight, there were two new members, one of whom was calling himself Robert, a sick joke in its own right, who proported to know nothing of the assassins' guild.

The group headed into a dark dark alley. Suddenly, I heard a commotion ahead, and "Robert" started bombing back towards us at high speed.

"KILL HIM, HE'S THE UNCLE!!!" yelled a voice, as the now-revealed Uncle sped towards me (I being at the back as any assassin who valued his life would be). Had I had my gun to hand, I would have blown him away there and then. However, the surprise and my unpreparedness meant I was forced to give chase instead. Yelling, "DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!" I fired multiple rounds down the alley, all unfortunately landing short, and the Uncle disappeared around a corner. I foolishly continued round the corner, to find he had stopped there. We exchanged rounds, and one of us definitely died there

This was judged to be the Uncle as the ambush was premeditated, and being still his aim was better, his shot immediately focussing on Archaeonecros

Not far away, a few minutes later, there was a further instance of a lethal combinatoion of cunning, premeditation and extreme violence:



Monday 26

The Assassins' Party has been called for All Souls' Day (November 2) See the Social page for details. Back to more antisocial things, some people have succeded in evading the Wanted for Incompetence List; there was a scuffle on property of Trinity College, and a succesful bombing:

"Friendly Bob emerged today to prevent his being placed on the wanted list by placing a bomb on the door of one Timothy Clark of Selwyn. He was marked as being in, so the bomb was placed on the outside."

Bits of Timothy and an over-curious friend of his were promptly removed from the walls of F staircase Selwyn in order to fabricate more Lasagna for the Formal Hall at Christs'

Wunhunglow has admitted responsibility for the explosive telephone directory and has also been removed from the Penguins' menu