News - Page 8 of 8

created 3/3/98

updated 5/3/98

updated 9/3/98

updated 10/3/98

More incomprehensible Russians...
By means of kvik zinking, I, Vladimir of ze KGB avoided ze attentions of a vell-trained hitman in brown shoes. Zere vere no casualties ... yet. But ve vill change zat, Kamarades...

oh, and some more :-)
Vladimir vas alerted by ze dekompozing korpse of ze bedder to ze presence of vat kareful tests in ze KGB labs identified as vaseline on ze knob officially declared as his. Zere vill be reperkuzions from ze Mafiya over zis.

And from the other side of the fence...
Mr. Bond seems to be getting quite a lot of exercise these days. I was returning to college this afternoon, and had just walked in through the porter's lodge, when I got this strange instinct that someone was trying to kill me. There was a chap I didn't r ecognise standing in the the front court - nothing suspicious I suppose, but a little alarm bell rung in my head, saying "that person might just be an assassin" - so I turned on my heels and fled for my life at a sprint. In retrospect, my instinctive sens e of danger was probably linked to the fact that he was carrying a bloody great flourescent super soaker. He gave chase through the grounds of Emma, past the duck pond, but I shook him off by the time I had escaped via the East gate. I finally took cover in a back garden, to the bemusement of the residents, who were very sympathetic (if confused) when I explained that I was escaping from someone trying to kill me. I took this opportunity to check my jacket to see if I had been hit - but fortunately it was bone dry. Relieved at having survived at least the initial escape, I caught my breath and cautiously returned home, with my own water pistol armed and at the ready. In this particular circumstance, I guess he was the better assassin, but I the better ath lete.

D'oh! more Russians...
Some right-ving, Vestern Kapitalist svine sent me a vorryingly useless letter that vas not even closed properly! My konections in ze Kremlin and I sneer in total kontempt at zis typical MI5 inkompetenz.

And finally - a Kill!!!!
PC George and his daring accomplice spotted Shotgun Brando as he walked down St Andrews street. After a cheery hello, Brando quickly realised that his life was in danger, and headed for the safety? of Downing porters lodge. PC George entered the p'lodge , drew his trusty weapon and shot Brando, who slumped quickly to the ground..

Being one of Susan's friends seems like a bit of a hazardous occupation these days..
Mr Umpire,

A friend of mine was killed yesterday by Adam Wood. As he was also killed about three weeks ago by Hologram I feel this shows immense stupidity as he is evidently a foul, fetid, rotting corpse and has been for some time, so how he could be mistake n for me is anybody's guess.


The Rampaging Susan.

Tuesday - the third, and the Ghost of the Ivory Tower was finally exorcised by a particularly lazy assassin..
Two days later, and the body count increases dramatically with the following two kills....
Ye Noble Knights of ye Hyperspffericale Table, namely Goode Kinge Arthur, Ye Brave Sir Prancealot du Lac Equilibrium Point and their fayre consorte Queene Guinivere She's so Nonlineare rode daryingly from Ye Hilberte Space to the woods molested by Ye Ev il Enchanter Jaymes Rybye. Ye evil Churle apeared to us in fayre guise as ye bystandere-going-to-ye-waterfall-to-washe-his-hayre, but we saw through his webbe of illusyone and impayled hyme wyth ye lances. Welle Sore wounded wyth his vyttals hangying out e, he returned to his oryginale uncouth shaype. Now these fayre woods are analytic agayne, their evil syngularitie removed.
and shortly afterwards, in what may be an unrelated incident...
Today, the Flower Mafia of Maverick Whipped-Cream-Buttocks, Julian Bente and Martin Loosebottom claimed the pants of one more victim. Whilst laying in wait outside the chapel of Corpus Christi, we noticed that one of the choir girls was singing in a rathe r low voice. As they left the chapel, the one I recognised as Elvira was surrounded by people asking *her* if he could balance assorted fruit on his head. As he placed the third apple upon his self, I shot him repeatedly in the head and upper body, carefu l not to spoil his pants.

Sunday afternoon, and a perfectly routine operation to plant a little suprise for Mr Bond goes horribly wrong, resulting in the deaths of PC George (not previously on the police force, just to be confusing), and PC Baylis, the latter being killed by a str ay shot. This is quite a valid kill though - it is disturbing to see members of our police force participating in such unlawful activities :-)
Anyway, this from Mr Bond...
Arising from my Sunday slumber, I was just about to leave for a shower, when I espied through my peep hole a number of nasty personnages, whom I happened to recognise from previous attempts on my life. They seemed to have a measure of high explosive, whic h was in the process of being rigged to my door. Naturally alarmed at this, I went and got my walther PPK from underneath my pillow, and stealthily latched the door unlocked. The perpetrator reached up to mount a charge above the door frame, and at this i nstant, I flung the door open, and shot him in the chest. As a result one 'PC George' is now dead. At least his name might now be more appropriate.

Later the same day, and the AntiChrist strikes at Mr Wilson of Fitz...
At about 16:50 hrs today, I made an attempt on the life of Chris Wilson at A14 Fitzwilliam college. He had carelessly left his door open and so it was an easy task to sever his head with my lightsabre.
A shadowy figure was reported leaving the scene, the only evidence being a trail of scorched footprints, and a severed head revolving on the turntable of the record deck. All doors and windows appeared to have been locked from the inside; surely the power of dark sorcery.....
Four deaths were reported at midnight on sunday - it appears that certain members of the guild had been slain by what can only be described as a 'plot device' in the form of bolts of cleansing fire from the skies. Neighbours are said to be 'mildly worried ' about the celestial activity, but the cleanup team has by now probably managed to remove all knowledge of the nights events from their minds, so our secret is safe bwahahahaha!!!
The unfortunates killed were Richard Chipperfield, Qualcast Mutilator, Susan and Bob.
Late Sunday, and in an unusual plot twist, Mr Bond actually dies, slain by poison on his door handle. Not content with this, various killers also peppered him with bullets in the college bar - a very thorough kill, but then, he is Bond, Micheal Bond.....
Tensions within the Central Cambridge Mafia exploded earlier today (Tuesday), when the self styled 'Godfather' of the organisations shot Dieter Von Halpshnapp (Adam Wood)..
It's 11:59, and Overkill, having just survived a Dynamics Lecture, decides finally to kill openly. Dieter Von Halpschnapp's corpse was removed from the bikesheds outside the Cockroft. Forensic scientists decreed it had been perforated an unnescessarily large number of times in the heart and brain. One bullet was found lodged in each of the vertebrae.

With only six players remaining, and the term drawing to a close, I declare a duel, time to be arranged, between the Caius and Christs/Trinity Hall mafias, on the roof of the Cripps Building, Queens'. All are welcome to come and watch - watch this pag e for the time and day.