News - Page 6 of 8

created 12/2/98

updated 14/2/98

updated 17/2/98

Yet another failure to kill from afar, with the shadowy ShotGun Brando surviving one more attack...
A pitiful attempt on my life took place today by "Maverick", consisting of a letter sent by CUSUMS. After opening the blatantly-obvious effort with gloved fingers, a scarf and a penknife, I found it was stuck down with what appeared to be prit-stick, although could have turned out to be vaseline or any one of a number of fluids.

Shotgun Brando

The Monk went to meet his maker, dying from an absence of paranoia ( a common cause of death at this time of year ). His departing spirit appeared to me (or maybe it was just too much caffeine) and gave me the following message :
I felt my life was too boring, as noone had attempted to kill me for ages, so I set out on a killing spree. So I killed three inocent looking people as they left after a hard session of backstabbing classes. Unfortunately, though I got two before my ammo ran out (though I tried to hold my gun and say bang convincingly), the third turned out to be a policeman. I put my gun away and tried to act casually, knowing I was not yet a member of the 'wanted' list. He however shot me saying that I would be. I was heeply hurt, a policeman who was supposed to be protecting the public murdering a person not as yet proven guilty. I call for his immediate suspension, as he is a threat to their noble calling.

Sebi (The Monk)

A more conventionally delivered report appeared slightly later, from the newly uniformed hologram....
I am pleased to report my first kill as a member of the Cambridge Police Force. The story follows...

Place: Diplomacy Society Meeting, Clare Buttery
Time: 8:00 - 11:10
Dramatis Personae:

  • Two Experienced Assassins - one a policeman (myself), the other not in this term's game (or is he?)
  • One Inexperienced Assassin (The Monk)
Plot: At the DipSoc meeting, the Inexperienced Assassin discusses with the Experienced Assassins whether or not weapons will function at official Society Meetings, and then suggests the possibility of killing someone immediately outside of one. He then gets completely wiped out in Diplomacy, but rather than leaving early, for some strange reason hangs around...

Upon leaving, the Inexperienced Assassin confirms the suspicions of the (Relatively) Experienced Assassins by drawing a handgun and first firing several shots at one of them (who claimed in his death throes to be completely uninvolved with this term's Guild and therefore an innocent bystander), then attempting to shoot at the other E.A. (your narrator), but runs out of ammo. The Hologram punishes this incompetence by drawing his Acid-String and mercilessly firing a caustic spray of steaming red acid at the Monk's face, who collapses on the floor, limbs twitching as his head dissolves. Disturbed by the two bloody corpses on the floor, the Hologram leaves the scene and has nightmares that night..

Note - you may kill someone if you've got a good reason to believe that they are going to kill you. The above case is a good example of this kind of thing
The Antichrist continues to leave a bloody trail across Cambridge, with yet another innocent victim...
To continue a trend, I stabbed another retired assassin this evening, this time in the Cockerell building computer room. His name was Russell Bennett, aka. Artemis Venturis or something like that.


And another failure - coupled to the accidental murder of an innocent bystander (not in this case an offence, as there was no way of preventing the death)
A bystander handled the outside of an envelope in Vladimir's mail before Vladimir could check it, and the bystander succumbed to externally applied mud footprint poison. Vladimir, by use of KGB gloves and an incinerator safely disposed of the sinister, and then of the corpse, which was sold to the Bosphorus Kebab place


Finally!! a successful poisoning! The letter (signed in the traditional way) arrived in an unsuspecting Vortexion's pigeon hole, and, being a nice unsuspecting kind of brutal murderer, was opened with no precautions at all. This proved to be very unwise, as the Vortex's nerve structure began to break down, sending brilliant stabs of pain shooting through every fibre of his body, until, finally, the poison reached the brain and it was all over. We recommend that all assassins take more care when opening their mail.....
This garbled telegram from PC Jandarma tells (I really hope) of another failed poisoning - any other intepretations are probably best left off these files...
today is the 11 february
some engiliz bastard tried to kill me this evening by attaching dairy products to my knob

this is, of course, highly illegal

what they failed to realise is that the ammo section of the trials for next term's emergent mafia were taking place at the time. fortunately, one prospective member, finding time off from sewing her team-mates into the walls, noticed a yellow sheen to my door-knob. in terror, she stopped trying to machine-gun the poor instrument out of its home and alerted the ghost of Number6, who in turn contacted me via CB. i set about neutralising it with chilli powder, then wiped it off with a spare fez i had lying about. (the fez should come out all right after washing)

the chief must be extremely worried to learn of this failed attempt on my life! i wait to learn of the action he will take. . .

The criminal reign of one of the more successful outlaws of the game came to an end today, marked only by this simple message, scrawled on a wall just outside the computer lab (It's bad when they write the message in blood on the walls...)
I have disposed of Baylis.
He was becoming a nuisance.
It elicited this response from a shocked and shaken mafia -
The Central Cambridge Mafia is today mourning the loss of most wanted criminal Bijan Omrani, on day 13 after his appearance on the wanted list. While the rest of Cambridge feel they are now able to sleep a little easier at night, the CCM is already planning its terrible revenge. The Central Cambridge Mafia has achieved stage one of its objectives, and although unwelcome, the death of Bijan Omrani is not a set-back.

The sad events of this afternoon happened as follows: By 14:25, the days of stalking had payed off, Bijan Omrani had identified his target, David Dunwoody. Omrani made a simple kill shooting Dunwoody at close range. While he stood watching the corpse twitching on the floor, an assassin stepped up and stabbed Omrani in the kidney. Before he met his maker, Omrani repented his sins (Paradigm Shift makes another appearance!) and used the last of his life force to write a note, which read...

"This must be a Thursday - I never could get the hang of Thursdays...." before trailing off into nothingness.

Finally - the following have been put on the wanted list for incompetence :
  • Matt Phillips (Unconnected), A10 Fitz., mjp38, no water weapons
  • Richard Chipperfield, F14a Girton, rpc21, In town every day in chem. eng dept
  • Lewpen Kinross-Skeels, 33H Churchill, lk213, no water weapons
  • James Riby (JR), House 7; Room 6; St. Peter's Terrace; Peterhouse, jtr23, no water weapons
  • Tom Monie (Greedy), S4b 3rd Court Christ's, tpm22
Thank you for listening..... [click]
The Sea Cucumber claimed another victim yesterday - the appetite of 'Greedy' finally took it's toll. More details will become available as and when...
Seems some assassins are experiencing severe guilt trips this time round...
No one said this job would be easy, but I always managed to distance myself from the targets I was chasing. This one was different. I counted Roland as one of my friends.
I agonised for days as to whether I'd actually kill him or not; whether I should tell him first, or whether it would be best if he never knew what hit him.
In the end I saw him on his way home, going down the stairs in Sidney Sussex. He didn't know I was an assassin too, and didn't suspect anything. As I drew the pistol from my waistband I forced myself to look into his eyes. I owed him that, at least.
"I'm sorry, Roland". The bullets tore into his chest, and I'll never forget the expression on his face as he fell to the floor.
It was an easy kill, but one that will haunt my conscience for the rest of my life. Wherever you are now, Roland, I'm sorry.
Still, at least I'm doing better than my own assassins. I never realised you were allowed to wait for your targets to die of old age. And the attempt by "Maverick" was frankly pants. (I know where you live).
Well well - taunting other killers, tut tut..
Valentines Day took it's expected victim with the death of 'Faustus'. in his eagerness to open the anonymous card in the morning he succumbed to the deadly poison placed therein by the hitherto unknown 'Flower Mafia'. Police are treating the attack as a possible attempt to engulf the game in a mighty ball of fluffiness, and are advising all players to exercise more caution and not be fooled into thinking that anyone might want to be wishing them anything other than a painful and slow death. But that's just the police for you I suppose.