News - Page 4 of 8
The last few days have seen a dramatic increase in the number of attacks on innocent targets, starting with the unfortunate demise of Ben Noakes, a retired assassin. Contacted repeatedly by an unbelieving Caius mafia, he was unable to convince them of his neutrality, and paid the price; stabbed in the back by John Jordan, the Antichrist, who is now on the wanted list as a result. Killers beware - you can't just go around killing anyone you feel like you know...
To balance this, the criminal known as Mr Magoo was hunted down in his lair recently, as the following report from CoP Nyth shows...On Wednesday morning (half past midnight), the police force assembled to take down Mr. Magoo. PC Nyth did not like to be threatened so Mr. Magoo was going down.
PC Nyth, PC Sheol and PC Kelpie, flanked by an onlooker (the freunde guy) arrived at the door of the man who had murdered two of their force. Nyth knocked on the door to be greeted by an assortment of strange looking men... Then, miraculously, The Umpire showed his face and started giving us weird looks... "Is Ben Mansell (Mr. Magoo) here?" Nyth asked. Shouts of "NO!" emmanated from the room. It was obvious that they were lying. PC NYth then asked whether the police force could enter the room (maybe a bit too polite), to which a claim of vampirism was attached to us (the police)... With that remark the Umpire retreated into the room leaving the door slightly open. Catiously, Nyth pushed the door open slowly to be greeted by... THE BLUE DEATH SPRAY!!! But not to worry... The death ray malfunctioned - again - and Mr. Magoo was heard to retreat muttering, "It's not working!". Nyth then entered and gave chase around the labyrinth of the room before catching up with Magoo and bashing him on his head with the state of the art (new issue) Police Truncheon. With the criminal knocked out, it was only a matter of calling in Sheol, Nyth's right hand man, to do the final cleanup. One shot from Sheol's gun at point blank range, ensured that the mess would not be too great, so that Magoo's friends could get back to their party... During this, it must be said that Kelpie managed to keep a low profile and concealed her secret weapon... It shall be seen soon.
Let this be a warning to all assassin's considering messing with the law... The new Death Squad has assembled. Cambridge beware.
Signing out....Chief Of Police Nyth
In spite of this impressive display of fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency the crime rate continued to rise when Alex Churchill (aka Hologram) attempted to kill Susan. The shot was deadly and on target, but unfortunately not on the correct target, and another innocent bites the dust. This report in from hologram himself...Pleased to report my first kill! - ********* of Trinity is no more...However, as was said earlier, this was not the real Susan, as this comunication clearly indicates....
It was a fairly straightforward affair. Having just attended a talk organised by the movement codenamed "Paradigm Shift", and in fact wearing a T-shift sporting the ubiquitous pS logo, my cover was perfect. I approached *****'s door; hearing loud "retro" music booming from within, I was sure that at last my quarry's time had come. I knocked...
A voice called from within, "Come in." So I did.
I introduced myself as involved with Paradigm Shift (true as far as it went), then asked: "Have you every thought about what's going to happen when you die?" ...
"Because it might happed sooner than you think." BANG. The tiny shell fired from its home, blasting a large hole in the sofa on which ***** had been unsuspectingly reclining. And thus ended the ballad of *****.
I hungrily await a new target, to speed to meet our Creator.
Umpire's note - names have been changed to protect what passes for the innocent...Hello,
Excuse me if this note is a little incoherent but I have just witnessed the brutal and senseless slaughter of a close friend of mine. There we were, quietly sitting and doing our work like good little students, when a be-Paradigm Shifted person entered our room, and, after some preliminary conversation about eternal salvation, proceeded to demonstrate to my friend what it looks like close up (although knowing my friend as I do it's not likely to be slavation that he becomes acquainted with).
This is most distressing as it will take the bedder forever to get the bloodstains of the sofa and my best throw is RUINED.
An innocent bystander has been killed! Susan cries out for vengeance!
....and another one. In a vaguely pleasing way, Satan's Child joins the Antichrist among the ranks of the wanted after attempting to poison the Lemming. This was a little foolish, as the lemming is old and wily to the ways of the killer.Satan's child has been a very naughty girl... it's a good thing that the ever-paranoid lemming has gotten into the habit of checking her door for contact poison before she opens it. But imagine if her bedder had not been so cautious? Oh dear oh dear oh dear...And after climbing all those stairs as well. Ah well, more fun for all I guess.......
Satan, it's time to take your daughter home and teach her some more. Or, to slightly adjust a little note I discovered after the pouisoning attempt: 'When Satan's child is abroad, Death goes and has a relaxing cup of tea'.
Continuing the trend of unlawful killings, the increasingly worrying Bijan Omrani slew Ben Parker ( a non combatant ) outside lectures this morning.....Having received childish death threats from members of Pembroke PoohSoc, Bijan Omrani decided to take the law into his own hands and stalked Ben Parker as he walked away from the lecture hall. An accomplice who returned the scarf (and evil PoohSoc badge attached) which he had stolen earlier, provided a diversion, while Omrani stepped up behind and fired twice at Parker's head. Parker had just enough time to react and face his assailant before the bullets ruptured his forehead.Note - Granny and Ben were both innocent victims, not that it makes much difference to the Omrani's status in the eyes of the law....
As luck would have it, while returning to College for lunch, Granny was identified and similarly shot in the head, in a mugging. There are unconfirmed reports that Bijan Omrani was seen running from the scene carring the elderly lady's handbag.
At least there's been a serious attempt to kill Omrani; about three in the afternoon on friday Satan's Child, as yet unaware of his wanted status, attempted to kill the nefarious overlord of evil... Unfortunately, neither party succeeded, as these two reports show.
First, from Omrani....I was settling down to do some supervision work at about 10 past three this afternoon, when I was interrupted by a knock at the door. I didn't recognise the intruder so I asked him who he was - he didn't answer. I left my room by an alternative route and persuaded a friend to back me up. During the ensuing gun-fight, Satan's Child admitted his identity, but sadly, due to the effect of wind on my bullets I was unable get within range and kill him. He displayed poor weapons ability, and failed to get a shot on target. I returned half an hour later to find that this miserable attempt on my life had caused my coffee to get cold. Satan's Child, I will avenge my coffee!In the light of the obvious remorse and regret shown at neglecting the coffee, I'm almost tempted to take him off the wanted list. Almost. Anyway, the other side of the story, from Satan's Child.........My second attempt was on the life of Charles Baylis (Bijan Omrani). As I knocked on his door, I heard footsteps of someone climbing the stairs. I retreated, and made it look like I had just left another room. I passed this person on the stairs, and noticed that he was heading towards my target's room. I quickly ran down the stairs, and hid in a nearby toilet. They both charged down the stairs. ran past, and started looking for me outside. I waited a while, and then left. Unfortunatly, they saw me as I was leaving Tit Hall, and drew their water pistols. I drew my cap gun, and started walking backwards towards Kings. We shot at each other from a distance, however, we all missed. As the running battle proceeded, my target retreated to get help, whilst his accomplice carried on shooting me. I then retreated, outnumbered, going through Kings College, Market Square, and returning to Caius to get my bike.This wasn't the only activity on the part of Satan's Child...
... he had earlier attempted to kill the Lemming (who, for once, has survived well into the game). Unable to gain entry with the excuse of 'just wanting to have a look at the room for next year' he was forced to resort to poison gas - however, the Lemming being cunning as she is had suitable materials to hand and hastily improvised a gas mask...My suspicions were alerted by a dodgy-sounding knock on my door and a voice asking if they could see round my room. When I replied in the negative, I soon heard a hissing noise suspiciously like a can of air freshener. Since I'm recovering from the University cold, I grabbed my handy blue 'gas mask' tissues beside the bed and kept them over my face for a full twenty minutes, whilst operating my smelly oil burner and air-circulating heater to disperse the poison. Note for those who like feeling light-headed; twenty minutes with a tissue over your nose is a very good way of achieving this effect.