University of Cambridge Assassin's Guild
Archived News for Lent 1997 Game


This file was written and gathered from the ucam.rec.games.assassin newsgroup, and processed automatically into something approaching HTML, by Ben Harris and a Perl script. This copy has been culled from Lynette Dray's "Killer Page", and recoded/reformatted a little. The rules under which this game was played are available as a text file.


The residents of G staircase, New Court, Corpus Christi, were somewhat distressed this morning to find the body of their neighbour, Katie Samuelson, lying sprawled on the floor in the gaping doorway of her room with a large part of her head missing. It certainly explained the manic laughter and loud noise last night. There are no suspects for this tragic killing.

A bomb was found this morning wired to a toilet seat in Harvey Court. It was safely disarmed and removed. Assassins are reminded that planting bombs in shared/public facilities e.g. college staircase toilets is an offence, and those doing so will forfeit protection from investigation. Several doors in the same area had been anointed with a faulty batch of contact neurotoxin yesterday morning; a near-victim was treated for the residual effects yesterday evening.

The Umpire would like to remind players that:
    1) Bomb attempts must be notified to the umpire by their
       perpetrators, and the bomb must bear the Guild warning labels.
    2) Initiating a kill attempt before the start of the game is
       not permitted.  Will whoever got overzealous with the contact
       poison please step forward (in private) so I can eat them...

Rules amendment proposal (amending Rule 4.11):
    Some part of each bomb must be labelled with the name of whoever
    laid it (although this may be an internal surface).  If there is
    no indication on or in the bomb of its planter, it shall be deemed to
    contain defective explosives, and will not go off.
All discussion welcome.

Points regarding weaponry:
It is permitted to use radio-controlled devices, provided they in all 
ways comply with the remainder of the rules (labelling, contents, etc.), 
and that the radio trigger is real.

Mr Richard Atkinson, having foolishly displayed a knife in a public place, was terminated by Magnus Huckvale with lethal efficiency, using a 9mm semi-automatic pistol. Doubts were expressed as to Mr Huckvale's tactics (suggestions of knife-handing were made).

The not-so-dreaded "Nosferatu" was found dead in the hallway, large exit wounds clearly present. Guild members are asked to consider the domestic staff who have to clean up after them - please use small-calibre weaponry to prevent unpleasant bloodstains.

At 2:30 pm yesterday, "Maverick" rather efficiently disposed of Chris Sims, though we have doubts as to the wisdom of being witnessed.

This just in:

The mangled corpse of Marie Huber was found on the floor of her room by curious neighbours, puzzled by the smell. A note nearby indicated that she had failed to read her briefing, and thus deserved everything she got.

Five more lives have been tragically truncated in Cambridge today, while a sixth individual is undergoing emergency surgery for a serious knife wound.

The "Emu", Elizabeth Usher, had her Australian Secret Service career truncated by a bullet fired by "some random bloke with glasses from Peterhouse (?)". Media, shorts, and talls are all equally puzzled by this message from beyond the grave.

In a confused melee, "Maverick" opened fire on Ben Shearon-Johnson. However, Mr Shearon-Johnson was charged with adrenalin due to two previous attempts by Maverick, and managed to deal a serious knife wound to Maverick's shoulder. "Grommitt" promptly put a high-velocity round through Mr Shearon-Johnson's heart. Maverick is currently undergoing emergency surgery, having been rushed to Addenbrookes, and may not survive.

Stephan Gueorguiev was careless enough to open his door to an assassin, and was promptly shot through the heart by the callous Grommitt.

The brutally dismembered corpse of Lizzie Rosambeau was left in a pile in B10, Cripps Court, St. John's College. Forensic experts found high-velocity 9mm FMJ entry and exit wounds in her chest, piercing her heart and spine.

The residents of B Staircase, Angel Court, were awakened at the unfeasibly early hour of 3pm this afternoon by the sound of a mysterious voice singing a requiem. Investigation revealed the horribly mutilated corpse of Mr D.H.L. Smith, a resident of that staircase, and the fading echo of "The Songster"'s voice.

In the wake of this chain of carnage, college domestic staff throughout the University have appealed for less messy implements of death to be used.

Word has been received from Addenbrookes that Maverick survived the emergency surgery; due to the advanced recuperative techniques pioneered by Project: Obsidian, he is now back in action.


Yet more blood has been spilled in G staircase, New Court, Corpus. Simon Plummer was tragically stabbed in the testicles by an assassin dubbed "The Garage Flower"; his girlfriend was, rather alarmingly, singularly unperturbed by the incident.

In an alarming incident at the Wychfield site, Sidhartha Singh, his gun having misfired, let off a lethal discharge of poison gas in the presence of the Lord of the Nazgul. Mr Singh has been granted full honours in death, while the Witch-King has returned to Mordor for the reconstruction of his shattered nervous system.

In full view of numerous witnesses in the University Chemical Laboratory, the courageous Ben Noakes put a single silver .45 bullet through the head of the Antichrist, condemning the archdemon to Hell for another term.

Gareth Earl was fatally shot this afternoon by two mysterious assassins.

Iain Ross was callously felled this evening by a single shot from a silenced 9mm Beretta while carrying a pan full of pasta to his kitchen. The domestic staff will not be impressed.

Ari Krakauer has just been killed. More details may be forthcoming.

News Flash: Thanks to a witness, who shall remain anonymous, we have been able to identify Iain Ross's assassin as a Mr Ben Parker.


As Cambridge braces itself for another wave of killings, we have a report of recent deaths.

Giles Byford, of Clare College, suffered an untimely death due to a hideously complex mixture of contact toxins, which left him a semi-dissolved puddle on the floor of the Porter's Lodge. The chief suspect is an individual known as the Tiger.

Peter Ellis rather recklessly gunned down Clare Boothby in a crowded street on Tuesday. She had her revenge later, leading him to one of his own targets. Mr Oinn cheerfully expunged Mr Ellis from this existence.

The Iceman left Ben Parker's internal organs strewn across the New Museums' Site car park, traumatising countless innocent scientists.

Nicolas Bourbaki was gunned down by a lucky assassin.

Antony Walker was shot dead, and his innards nailed to the walls of his staircase, by the ruthless Maverick.

Wolfman left a shattered knife amidst the spilt entrails of James Elliott.

A few unsuccessful attempts were made.

The game will resume at 1200h, Saturday, 15th February (UTC, aka GMT).

This was the news...


Well, at long last there is something for the police to do!

Mr Dormand is now wanted for asking a friend to open a poisoned letter found in his pigeonhole. As it was hand-delivered (despite the fact it had been labelled "UMS"), the sender is not on the wanted list.

J Doe murdered an innocent bystander, despite her repeated protests that she was not another assassin's registered accomplice. He also gratuitously murdered his neighbour Russell Bennett. He is also suspected in two poisoning attempts.

Other news:

Maverick gassed Ross Younger and dismembered his corpse. This incident caused me some concern, as there were others present who did not have gas masks on.

Chris Paget felled Tom Oinn with a single 9mm round.

The Umpire would like to ask players *not* to put mail-service labelling on letters in order to imply they were sent by said service. If you want it to have mailing marks on it, send it by CUSU-ICMS or Royal Mail. In particular, please don't write "UMS" on it, as one such person just very nearly got put on the wanted list for having thus marked an envelope...

It has been realised that Chuan-Tse Teo is dead, having been shot in the heart on Friday evening. Will all who have shot him in the back of the head please confess...

Yes, the Umpire has been wibbling.


It's another report from the Killer News Service.

Duncan Speller's screams of agony disturbed the residents of D staircase, Robinson, after he was subjected to a poison gas attack by the deadly Maverick. Maverick is fast approaching "most effective assassin" status...

Someone known only as "OS" (though not, presumably, /2 or -9), has brutally gutted Emma Bewley in her room in Wolfson Court, Girton.

Viper stabbed Timothy Logvinenko to death on the New Museums Site at midday today.

Katie Bebbington and Tom Sheppard have been neatly expunged by the same assassin; both were foolish enough to have left their doors unlocked.

The police (see elsewhere) have successfully erased Jonathan Dormand.

J Doe has been ejected from this term's game for misuse of water weaponry during a fight with the Police. I am allowing the police involved to remain on duty, since the incident has not been clearly accounted other than the grenade - I'm not 100% sure of where everyone was.

It seems we may manage to finish the game before lectures end for the term after all!


A spectacular explosion ripped out a large chunk of O Staircase, Pembroke, killing David Henderson and shredding the surrounding rooms. There were, remarkably, no other casualties. The Fly has claimed responsibility.

Matthew Boyes was found sprawled on the floor of his room late this evening by a friend who came to visit. Mr Boyes had, rather bizarrely, been strangled by his own small bowel, which (we presume) had wriggled up the length of his oesophagus, then crushed his windpipe.

Rupert Wood was detained for psychiatric treatment, having shouted bizarre utterances like "Blue flames!" in the market square. Medical experts believe his treatment will take at least 8 weeks.

Another agent was rather dismayed, on arriving at Magnus Huckvale's room in the remains of O Staircase, Pembroke, to find that his target had already been executed by the Garage Flower, and was cheerfully doing his work with the aid of certain herbs and fish...

Several unsuccessful attempts were made.


The Umpire did some work for a change (I'm working on the "going to lectures" bit, ok?) and played less Angband/Nethack/ADOM and did a bit less gratuitous news-surfing. He even managed to get to the Thunder gig!

The dreaded assassin Arkansas (he of the silly alias) was stabbed in the back by a mysterious male individual known only as "Granny".

Today has been unbusy.


Awais Sheikh, also known as Azrael, contact-poisoned the door handle of the Chief of Police, having previously terminated PC Damian Smith.

Nicolas Bourbaki, is (provisionally) Chief of Police.

There is nothing else worthy of note to report.


Sorry for the long wait (36 hours plus) - very little happened of bulk interest, apart from Azrael murdering a bunch of cops.

Alison Scott was found dead on the floor of her room. No indication of the killer was to be found.

Mark Snellgrove suffered a similar fate.

Chris Paget was terminated by Iceman and Viper. His erstwhile accomplice was also terminated. No action is being taken, although firearms campaigners are irate...

Azrael unsuccessfully attempted to poison PC Boothby's doorhandle.

The current stati of Azrael and Markus Eichhorn are under review; they have been informed as to why.

The following police have been terminated recently:
	Nicolas Bourbaki
	Ross Younger
	Tristan Barback

After a safety violation and subsequent explanations, I have placed Markus Eichhorn on the Wanted List. Azrael remains alive.

Ace Watts was perforated by the dreaded "Granny" early this afternoon.

Graeme Alexander was dropped with a single round from a Walther PPK, courtesy of Wolfman.


Markus Eichhorn was brutally executed in the ADC Theatre by Simon Pender, with a single round from a silenced Walther PPK. Mr Pender has apologised for the mess thus caused.


Azrael did something interesting today! He shot Maverick in the neck, twice, after that worthy had gone to visit the Angel of Death.

Simon Pender was killed by someone whom he described as "the smelly little individual". I should know who this was, but can't remember who his newest target was. Ah yes, Azrael.

At least it's thinned out the Corpus Mafia.


It would appear that Azrael is dead, as of late last night. I think I'll let Mr Mansell describe it himself:

Finally, after a week of careful hunting, stalking, and the deaths of several careless police officers, the cop-killer Azrael has been slaughtered!

Late on Tuesday night, two police officers and another of their 'mysterious informants' staked out Trinity College computer room after a tip-off that the psychopathic mass-murderer Azrael was inside. Officers Boothby and Mansell decided to set up an ambush outside. They knew that entering the computer room would be suicide: Azrael was prowling round the room like a caged beast, threatening all those who entered with a large, bloodstained knife.

The police were content to wait, knowing they had Azrael trapped. He would be punished for his crimes. Burning at the stake would be a suitable ending for a felon like him, but the police had only their machine guns and pistols with them today, and had forgotten the stake, firewood and matches. So, his death would be quick, but certainly not painless.

As he left the computer room, Azrael paused in the courtyard, sniffing the air cautiously. He stared around, suspicious. Who was the person dressed in black across the yard? Surely not the police, not another attempt on his life?

His hesitation was to be his undoing. Officer Boothby leapt from the alcove in which she'd been hiding, firing repeatedly at Azrael. The 'fearless' Angel of Death turned and ran in mad terror, but he had nowhere to go. Huddling against the wall, trying pathetically to hide behind a door, Azrael was blasted to pieces, his hideous screams echoing around the courtyard. The corpse was left splattered over the wall of the computer room, a clear sign to others that would follow his bloody path into lawlessness.

Wrongdoers beware! There is no escape from justice. Not even Azrael could match our strength.

Constables Mansell and Boothby have been nominated for promotion to Sergeant.

Other news:

Lynnette has offered to run the guild for a few days. I'm quite happy with this suggestion, and will be handing her the data files after posting this.

Due to some uncertainty over whether hits were scored, Markus Eichhorn remains on the police roster. Lacking a clear answer regarding the Maverick question, again survival is the decision (given the amount of rain et al that night).

Jon Horne has been accepted as Chief of Police.


It appears that our esteemed umpire has mysteriously exploded in a tragic accident (I believe they do have college_rules_ about not preparing dangerous chemicals in student rooms, but would he listen?), and, being supposedly immortal, is at present undergoing counselling for the severe mental problem known as being splattered all over the walls. Not only that, but whilst they attempt to put him back together again, your substitute umpire has noticed a distinct lack of anything happening on the killing front.


  
Following extensive examination by a team of psychological experts, the
police force decided at last to take on Azrael. The voices in his head had
gone away, his ghost told them. He was no longer a cunning and arrogant
criminal, merely a law-abiding soul with a desperate need to atone for his
many evils. Surely a criminal is better at catching other criminals.
   So it was that Azrael was given a new body and a place in the police
force. Little did anyone know that he was, in secret, negotiating a deal
with cultists so secret and evil that the very mention of their name on
this newsgroup could tip assassins over the edge into insanity. That is,
more than normal insanity. Its purpose? The ability, for a brief time, to
harm those who do not entirely exist at the moment...
   Our esteemed ex-umpire, whose bodily form had been reconstructed by
experts working constantly throughout the night, and who was nearly ready
to come back to full life, was just getting ready to go to Hall. This was
hall at Caius. So he was obviously suicidal anyway.
   I was informed that Azrael had a deep need to show the previous umpire
just how sorry he was for all the mayhem he had caused this term. What
else could I do but show him where MPR was?
   As Martin left his room, Azrael started to twitch. He began to reach
for his coat pocket. I could tell: the voices had come back. As the
grenade splattered Martin's lately-reconstructed body all over the
stairwell, I knew exactly how sorry Azrael was. Not at all. He
machine-gunned the remains into a fine red mist, laughing like a maniac.
 "Azrael will live forever! Death, death to everyone else!!"
  He then shot me. The last expression on his face as he faded in into the
oblivion of banned-ness was one of faint surprise.  

Or to put it more succintly: Azrael shot MPR, and is now banned from the rest of this term's game. (sorry, MPR, but...)


Saturday's Killer News was so garbled that it did not in fact exist. So here it is, on Sunday.

A single shot was heard around New Court, Corpus, on Friday. The porters were unmoved: one was heard to comment 'This happens all the time in this college. At least there's no blood to clear up this time.' The librarian was reportedly more alarmed as a fleeing, but unharmed, criminal took refuge.

PC Ben Parker, moving among the dark underworld of Pembroke, discovered plans being laid for an assassination in Corpus. Granny was once again in action. In the triplicate forms and various other papers that he turned in as a police report, he claimed that, acting out of a strong policemans' instinct to preserve the safely of David Hall after so many senseless deaths caused by gang warfare, he rushed to Corpus and hammered on David's door to warn him. The door was opened. "David?" asked the policeman. Mr Hall, unaware of his terrible danger, relied that he was. Suddely a single bullet in the back sent him crashing to the ground, splattering the walls and floor with red. PC Parker, apparently horrified, raised his gun to shoot the red-clad figure whom he could only assume was Granny, but he had already fled into the night. Police sources are understandably suspicious about this and are wondering if PC Parker is in fact a traitor. Corpus porters are merely irate that yet another cover-up operation has to be launched to cover up for the Corpus mafia, and someone has to clean up the corridor...

Maverick, a well-intentioned criminal who never hurt a soul (unless he was paid to) returned to his room on Saturday with his mother. Imagine his surprise and grief when, a few seconds after opening the door, she gave a strangled gasp and collapsed... An ambulance was called, but alas, it was too late. Traces of a highly deadly and effective contact poison were found on her hand and the doorhandle of the room. As is well known, criminals are highly loyal to their mothers and Maverick has vowed to seek out and destroy this miscreant, whoever he may be. Our underworld sources have traced the type of poison used to that recently purchased (From the secret poisons outlet run as a secondary source of profit for the Death Van) by a Mr. Ben Noakes of Caius. He is duly put upon the wanted list.

NB The police are given permission to shoot any traitors in their midst - however, if they shoot those who are not traitors, they will be disqualified.


Ben Noakes, the matricidal maniac of Caius, was today accosted by the ever-watchful Maverick and PCs Boothby and Pender as he cycled along the street outside his house. Suddenly recognising the vigilent members of the Cambridgeshire Constabulary waiting for him, the terrified Mr. Noakes attempted to cycle away at top speed, but Maverick let fly with his machine gun at the fleeing criminal.
Later on the police followed the trail of blood and bike parts around the corner, but no trace of Mr. Noakes could be found and it is assumed that he crawled away, injured but alive.


Builders have been called in to Girton College to restore a large chunk of wall which appears to be considerably damaged by gunshot. College staff are still recovering from the shock at such a thing happening in their distant colony of Cambridge.

A number of students have been seen wandering around Cambridge looking distinctly suicidal at their failure to get out and attempt to kill someone. Already unconfirmed reports have come in of several deaths; if the Umpire does not hear any differently, these will be reported tomorrow.


Blood ran in the streets of Cambridge today as the assassins who had
become too depressed and suicidal to make any recent kill attempts took
their own lives, or met bizarre accidents.
   Jonathan Green became caught in a freak circular queue in Sainsbury's;
the unfortunate victims of this sudden warp in space were further baffled
when a sudden temporal blip caused them all to age three hundred and fifty
years. They then died. Physicists are said to be looking into the
phenomenon very carefully.  
   Psychics near Girton College (having decided to get away from city life
and commune with Nature) report seeing a figure much resembling Edd Inglis
being sacrificed to Elvis by a ship full of aliens in the hope that it
might bring about cosmic peace and harmony.
   Ben Hesketh, according to shocked neighbours, appears to have failed in
a strange and clearly suicidal attempt to wake and summon Great Cthulhu.
The world may be thankful. Whatever it was that he _did_ summon, it left a
few splintered bones and a great quantity of slime behind - but no Ben.
   Guy LeFroy went and informed bedders at Corpus that he was an assassin,
in a clear attempt to be hung, drawn, quartered _and_ made to clear up the
blood afterwards. The Umpire has been informed by a number of grim-faced
bedders, some still sporting carving knives, that he didn't quite manage
the last bit.
   Ciaran McNulty suddenly exploded on King's Parade. Police, and the
world in general, are baffled as to why.
   Ben Noakes, although clearly not suicidal, was also not particularly
aware. As the weary criminal stumbled back to his room last night, he
failed to notice a contact poison very similar to his own coating the
doorhandle... His landlady is apparently charging the other inhabitants of
the house extra rent for disposal of the body.
   Could whoever put the poison on the doorhandle please come forward:
they should be on the wanted list. 

Granny came back to his room to find a very suspicious-looking device attatched to his door. The words 'this is a bomb', 'do not touch' and 'do not pull string' confirmed his fears. It was a bomb. Fortunately the crash course he had taken in bomb defusal came immediately to mind and, taking due care not to touch the bomb, he managed to make it as safe as he could. Consumed by relief and a burning desire for alcohol, he then went off to the bar. In the meantime, his next door neighbour found the remains of the bomb, with the words 'do not pull string' staring up at him. Granny found his corpse squashed against the far wall on rushing to find out what the blast was...


There have been a spate of poisoning incidents in Cambridge recently. 
   Granny, showing a remarkable sixth sense and amount of wariness,
avoided a strange and deadly paste smeared on his lightswitch. Less
fortunate was the next door neighbour of the Fly: proving once again that
a 'keep away' sign is the best way to stop people from keeping away, she
investigated the note saying 'Urgent' attatched to his doorhandle. Later
on, the Fly's father found her contorted corpse lying in the corridor,
clutching the note. In an attempt to see if it contained any evidence, he
read it...
   The Fly found both of their corpses on returning to his room. He has
since vowed revenge on Viper and Maverick, whose names were scrawled on
the note. Unfortunately the police, as in recent incidents, are powerless
as both died of their own curiousity looking at a note not addressed to
them. 

Coroners at Addenbrookes were more than a little surprised today when the supposed corpse of Ben Noakes sat up and asked where he was. Ben was more than a little surprised to find that, whilst waking up in an out-of the-way part of Addenbrookes with a splitting headache _could_ have been the result of an evening's drinking too much, it was actually the result of being taken for dead for several days. It turned out later that the contact poison had been wrongly mixed, presumably by someone who was not a professional assassin. Unfortunately the coroners were so shocked that they went off for a cup of tea before calling the police, and Ben made his escape before he could be arrested...

In an entirely unrelated incident, Martin Read was finally fitted with a new body only to be trampled to death by a horde of killer gnus.

A free-for-all has been declared amongst the few remaining assassins alive.


   Shock reigns in Cambridge today as the unspeakable happened. One of the
remaining assassins was killed! Granny, an ever-popular guy who seems of
late to have had people coming to see him at all hours, woke early this
morning to hear noises outside his door. Ever wary, he realised; he was in
risk of being exploded. 
   He searched for a way to leave his room without disturbing the device
he was sure was attached to the door, but in vain. There was only one
thing he could do. He did it from a distance, with a little shelter, but
he still did it: he opened his door.
   The Fly, who had been waiting since just after 6am for this, smiled
happily as bits of Granny redecorated the surroundings in every assassin's
favourite shade of red. He then went back to chatting up the cleaner, in
a vain attempt to stop her from noticing the mess he had just caused.
   The dreaded Granny is now the deaded Granny. Maverick, who has been
mounting daring and extensive kill attempts on him for several days, is
said to be a little annoyed.

The Umpire would like to request that players do not do things which could cause permanent damage to property. For example, colouring in light bulbs red when said colour does not seem to come off...


The wailing of distressed bedders could be heard throughout the university
yesterday as the killing began again. The dreaded Maverick, once more
thirsty for blood, traced the criminal Ben Noakes back to his far distant
abode and knocked on his door. As most evil criminal masterminds are, Ben
was suspicious. Taking his gun, he went out through his fire door and into
the corridor via the next room along. 
   An unsuspecting Maverick was splattered over Ben's door and most of the
wall. Gasping out "Rosebud!", the famed killer met his final end.
   When the police were called to investigate this appearance of yet
another Cambridge corpse, they found documents in his pockets identifying
him as Gavin Hodgson.

Police today fear a return to the dreadful violence that reigned in Cambridge last term. A suspicious character was spotted wandering around Corpus Christi, but porters in that college were glad to report that they have found no bodies. The Iceman escaped an attempt on his life by poison; police investigating the mysterious disappearance of bedders have discounted the rumour about an international plot to abduct them and marry them off to Americans, and have instead placed the blame on Gromit, who has been found to use contact poison. He is now on the wanted list.


Unconfirmed rumours are coming in that an assassin, overwhelmed by the sudden approach of exams, was seen swimming in the Cam yesterday evening. An observer, whose account may not be reliable, claims to have seen a large and slimy something rise from the depths just beyond Clare bridge, and swallow the hapless swimmer whole. Police have warned people to stay away from the Cam. Other groups have suggested that the creature be preserved in the interests of species diversity by periodically feeding it boaties.


The much-intimidated staff of Corpus have risen today in celebration at
the news that the Corpus Mafia have finally been wiped out. The Fly,
rising from his bed at an hour that man was not meant to see, ventured out
from the wilds of Girton to the centre of Cambridge. With a couple of
bombs at the ready he came to the Corpus abode of the famed assassin,
Gromit.
   The Fly set up post on a landing, and started arming his bombs. A sound
made him look up sharply - someone was watching him from the top of the
staircase. Deciding there was no threat to his safety from this apparently
innocent bystander, the Fly continued with his work, and chatted to the
person who had come down the stairs. The Fly was hence a little annoyed
when the man disappeared into Gromit's room - he realised that he had
spent the last five minutes talking to the unarmed Gromit himself. The Fly
rushed down the stairs and planted a bomb on his door.
   He did not have to wait long. The door was opened; a large proportion
of I staircase was destroyed by the blast. The Fly, grinning smugly,
ventured back onto the bomb site and stabbed Gromit's remains, just to be
sure.
   There are now two assassins left; the game is called off as of midnight
tonight, and a duel declared. I'm proposing to keep this to 'two people
with water pistols and large college' format; Provisionally on Tuesday, at
12:00 (high noon...) at Christs.

The Lent '97 game, surely one of the longest in history, has now finally been concluded; Ben Noakes, of Caius, is the winner.

The duellists gathered at Christs to await the stroke of noon, guns ready. A distinct lack of spectatorship meant that the timing of the start was a little dodgy, but, roughly when the bells of Christs rang out, both participants advanced from their respective gates at opposite ends of the college.

Your (ex-)Umpire retired to the front gate to wait. And wait...

Meanwhile, a tense stand-off had developed near that architectural object known as the Typewriter. With both assassins knowing where the other was, and each refusing to move, it looked like being an even longer wait.

Suddenly, Ben made his move. Sprinting out of his hiding place, he twisted in mid-flight to shoot at the Fly, who was racing in pursuit. The shot proved lucky. As he fell to the ground, the Fly's last shot seriously wounded Ben, but it was too late; already bedders were gathering from all over the college to discuss who would clean up the rapidly spreading pool of blood. It was left to a saddened friend of the Fly to drag his corpse back to Girton...

Mr. Ben Noakes, the matricidal maniac of Caius, is now safe in the knowledge that he may do his quantum mechanics in relative peace, being the sole survivor of roughly 60 assassins. My thanks to all the players for being co-operative; and I hand over now to Tom and the extremely hectic experience that the May Week game promises to be...

Lynnette Dray (having taken over from Martin Read), Easter '97.


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