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Member L95MAIL
Lent Term 1995 Killer Mail
Edited highlights of the mail. Explanations or comments from the Umpire
are in square brackets.
Date: Fri, 03 Feb 95
From: Andrew James Bolt
Which reminds me, I've been feeling very worried that someone's out to
take my life, and I suspect that they may make an attempt to kill me
sometime in the near future. As a result, I've constructed an electronic
detonater which I can wire to my computer so that I can place a bomb
by the door and trigger it remotely - thus if anyone attempts to burst
into my room and shoot me, I may stand a chance of stopping them in
their tracks...
Oh, btw, an unfortunate side effect of the parts I've salvaged for the
detonator circuit is that it plays a meddly of Christmas songs on
triggering. Hopefully this circuit would be destroyed in the blast, and
thus save me from the resultant insanity-inducing ditty.
Date: Fri, 03 Feb 95
From: Andrew James Bolt
Oh good, so you don't think I'm going paranoid then. At least someone
believes me. It's not you who's been following me recently is it? It's
all of you isn't it! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
From: Nigel Harris
Subject: Electricution
ELECTRICUTION
I am developing a moderate voltage device to selectively give my targets a
tingle that they'll know about should they be foolish enough to want to enter
or leave their rooms on a weekend when the cleaning lady etc. is not working
and so not going to be an innocent victim. Would this mild electric shock be
counted as a valid assassination by electricution? I could leave them a calling
card so they they would know it was not just static from something like their
feet rubbing on the carpet. Obviously I'd like to know if one of my targets has
a pacemaker or a weak heart just seeking any excuse to defibrilate.
Isn't it just such a sweet notion?
I await your authorisation / condemnation.
[I didn't allow it]
To: Dafydd Richards [After receiving two entries]
> Ok, you can count me in for the next game of killer, this term that is.
You can only enter once, Dafydd, unless you've been cloning yourself. 8-)
To: cdt20@hermes
Elizabeth Pringle has a large collection of unusual videotapes, which
could become an embarrassment to the Organisation. Dispose of her.
To: thc20@hermes
Paul Menage has been engaging in unauthorised vigilante activities. The
organisation has requested his termination. Use any methods.
To: mrh23@hermes
Sally "Maddog" Martin is becoming disobedient to the Organisation.
Correct this breach of discipline. Permanently.
To: thm20@hermes
Matthew Hartley is due for "early retirement". Break the news to him. And
clean up afterwards.
To: cwep2@hermes
Aldabra Stoddart has been associating with a notorious psychopath, and
has become a threat. Terminate her.
To: bjh21@hermes
Austin Donnelly has survived being thrown in the Cam, and so is clearly
not human. All such mutants must be eradicated.
To: PAS14@cus.cam.ac.uk
Jonathan Kelt wishes to leave the Organisation. As you know, there is
only one way to leave the Organisation. Send him on his way.
From: Aldabra Stoddart
Date: Mon, 6 Feb 95
Mr Kelt should find himself poisoned by a bizarre Creationist leaflet
any day now.
To: blp1000@cam
Chris Brown, notorious hitman for the Trinity Hall mafia, is back in town.
Ensure that he stays here. The cemetery would seem a suitable location.
To: empp1@phx
Angela Merrick has offended people in high places. Escort her to a low
place. Six feet under should be sufficient.
To: iwj@cam-orl.co.uk
Jung Lee has become a security risk, and accordingly will have his
privileges removed. Breathing, for a start.
To: cgb20@hermes
Ian Jackson has been investigating the security of the Organisation's
database. This intrusion cannot be tolerated. Dispose of him.
To: rih1000@phx
Dave Holland, an expert in chemical warfare, is planning to defect to a
secret weapons program abroad, known only by the codename "Domestos".
Kill him at once.
To: djsd100@hermes
Chris Tomkinson has said unkind things about Cthulhu's mother. Devour
with extreme prejudice.
To: ctt20@hermes
Ben Partridge is mixing with the wrong sort of people. Ensure that
from now on he mixes with nobody. Nobody living, anyway.
To: tad21@cam
Tim Waugh has been listening to the wrong conversations between the wrong
people. Ensure he doesn't do anything else wrong. I think he may be able
to cope with lying in a coffin correctly.
To: bgc20@hermes
Emil Bernal has leaked vital documents to the Press. Ensure that from
now on he leaks only blood.
To: ian@caramon.demon.co.uk
Clare Izard is becoming dangerously fluffy. Take whatever action you feel
necessary, as long as it involves killing her.
To: jim
Eric Ling has betrayed the Organisation. Your mission, should you choose
to accept it, is to ensure this does not happen again. This message will
self destruct.
Good luck, Jim.
From: JC10007@phx.cam.ac.uk
Date: Mon, 06 Feb 95
Bugger Robinson. No dice @7am, must try again later.
To: asm21@hermes
Mark Davey has served his purpose, and must be disposed of. Use a fresh
bin liner and remember to clean the blood off the walls.
To: cr10009@hermes
The Organisation is displeased with Geoff Tolley. You are asked to
express our displeasure in person. Clean up afterwards.
To: 94ajg2@club.eng.cam.ac.uk
David Damerell is clogging up the Internet with DOOM packets. Remove this
threat to world communications immediately. All methods have been approved.
Be careful, he's pretty handy with a chainsaw.
To: cdh21@hermes
Colin Ross has been prying into the finances of the Organisation, and
must be liquidated immediately.
To: 94msa@eng.cam.ac.uk
Dafydd Richards is a notorious psychopath, but he's Welsh, so kill him
anyway.
From: Jay Foad
At 10:00 am on Monday 6th February, Mr Jay Foad of Trinity College (in a
heroic attempt to get killed absurdly quickly) was murdered by a one-time
friend and accomplice turned professional bastard, Mr Nigel Harris, also
of Trinity. The two were engaged in conversation outside the Chemistry
Lab, Lensfield Road, when Mr Harris fired several shots at point blank
range into his victim's head. Scores of witnesses, being Natscis, failed
to bat an eyelid.
Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995
From: "N.J. Harris"
Friends and relatives have gathered to mourn the violent death of a Mr
Jay Foad...His dying words were the name and college address of a
particularly close friend whose company he desired in the afterlife. A
wake for this renowned philanthropist (sucker!) will be held in the
college bar this evening.
One down... and the domino's start falling.
David, it's over to you!
I await confirmation of my next target. I wouldn't want to have been sent
to Mike Tyson as a joke, would I?
Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995
From: Geoff
Dear David Allsopp,
At approximately 2:30 today, in full view of passers-by, Emily
Read was shot dead at point-blank range and her assassin immediately
afterwards, overcome by remorse, shot himself dead as well (at
point-blank range).
Eye-witnesses saw the two arguing, and one of them (a friend of
Miss Read's) said that there was an intention on her part to jump off of
Clare Bridge at the request of the man she recognised as being known to
the late Miss Read. Realising that he had been rumbled, the man suggested
that they "go shopping" instead, whereupon he lost his cool, blowing away
the unfortunate Miss Read with a half-dozen shots and then spilling his
own brains over the bloodstained bridge. Oh dear.
Hope you solve this most mysterious case soon,
Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995
To: Geoff Tolley
Aaargh! You can't keep it simple for me, can you?
Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995
From: Emily Read
I arrived home to my room at about 2pm this afternoon to find a rather
tense young man sitting in my chair, recognising him as a friend
and fellow Computer scientist, I didn't have a problem with this, until he
proceded to pull out a gun and
act rather strangely, one minute threatening to kill me the next to kill
himself. he then compromised and said he would let me jump off Clare
bridge instead of shooting me (I thought I might be able to swim to
safety ) so he led me at gunpoint to the bridge, then wrestled with his
conscience for a bit, giving me time to call to a passing friend for help,
giving my assasin the excuse he needed to pull the trigger(while covering
it up witha call to go shopping with him). I fell off
into the murky waters of the Cam, and he subsequently turned the gun on
himself in remorse at what he'd done.
so there you have it!
Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995
To: Emily Read
Good grief, you have to make it complicated!
[I could have done without this kind of complication on the first day...]
Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995
To: Maddog Sally
> joe Pearce is going to have a nasty shock, or strictly speaking, several
> nasty shocks when he comes out of his room. There's vaseline on his door
> handle, a poisoned letter in his pig like the last, and a highly perfumed
> (and vaselined for good measure) bit of paper stuck to one of his
> letters, also in his pig. Now, if one of THOSE doesn't get him, then
> I'll just have to try again...
Your target appears to be competent in survival, for your attempts were
detected and disarmed. The Organisation is not pleased. We expected
better of you. I trust Mr Pearce will be dealt with soon.
Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995
From: "E.W. Bernal"
Last night I was caught off guard, and following a very one-sided
battle, now find myself in the after-world (nice place, but a bit too
heavy on the harps for my liking). Anyway, the attackers (two of them) were
dressed as though they were about to audition for 'The Untouchables' and
fled into the night before an identification could be made.
Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995
From: jim
Nothing much really. We noticed Tim Down was logged on in John's library,
so we headed over there to see if we could get him. We went in, looked in
the (well a) computer room and saw no Tim, so we went back into the
courtyard. We were standing around discussing how best to kill him when
lo and behold, he came out, accompanied by Brian Cowe. I chased after him
with my gun, but he legged it through the archway, and by the time I got
near it Brian was close behind me, so I thought it prudent to challenge
him rather than be caught between two potential assassins. Then followed
a brief conversation along the lines of "Who are you?" "Who are you?"
"Who wants to know?" "The man pointing a gun at your head", until he
foolishly commented that I was a legitimate target and he was not. This
made me nervous. Making me nervous when I am pointing a gun at your head
is not recommended, as Brian found out when I shot him, before saying
that I didn't really care.
Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995
From: A J MERRICK
I recieved a poisoned letter this evening and sadly died of its effects.
This was shortly before I was due to meet my blind date, but fortunately
I had recently eaten a certain combination of root and fish so became a
zombie. He was surprised to have a date with an Undead, but then, some
evenings just don't go as expected do they?
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995
From: rajah
Da! Da! Da!
Another one bites the dust!
I was sitting in my room, discussing who I should kill next with a
friend. I had decided on Mark Davey, a small fish in the assassins guild.
He had however displeased my masters the Mafia....
but wait - is that a knock at the door? "Who is it?"; "Its me! Mark!";
so I opened the door a crack, placed my revolver against his chest, and
with a resounding bang! splattered his heart all over the wall behind him
ah - the perils of being unwary and trusting while playing killer eh? I
didnt even find any weapons on the body!
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995
From: Tom Coates
Dear Umpire and Lord of the Universe [Now that's more like it]
Would monomol filament (represented by cotton thread across a door) be a
permissible weapon? Or indeed monomol filament coated with contact poison?
[For the unacquainted, monomol=monomolecular; A filament made of a single
molecule, so fine and therefore sharp that it cuts right through anybody who
walks into it. Unfortunately it doesn't actually exist. I didn't allow it.]
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995
From: Jim Cameron
Yaay! I got my first cop! Shot Emily Read in the head as she was waiting
to cross Queens Road. Well, we always knew it was a dangerous road, that...
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995
From: The Godfather
[forwarded to ucam.rec.games.assassin]
The Mafia are not pleased to see that some of our members are being
inconvenienced.
Their deaths will not go unavenged. Those who are responsible WILL die. Be
warned.
For those who would like to aid us in KILLING THEM ALL *DEAD* you must join our
cause.
The message is simple: JOIN US OR *DIE* YOURSELF!!! A..HAHAHAHAAAA!!!
EMail requesting that we DON'T kill you (ie. by joining us) should be sent to:
GodDad@CyberSpace.Org
The God-Father. (Under New Management)
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995
From: Stephen Early
I've just been killed by Jim Cameroni.
This seems to have happened before... usually when I've been playing.
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 95
From: Ian Jackson
This evening I and a number of my associates were conferring at the
abode of Mr Owen Dunn. Mr David Damerell, who was present, had a
disagreement with Mr Dunn over some trivial matter. Mr Damerell drew
a large-calibre weapon and took aim, waving the firearm in the
direction of several of the other persons present in the process.
I could not let my colleague, Mr Dunn, die without my intervention,
and the risk to others present was considerable, so I withdrew the
knife I had concealed on my person and stabbed Mr Damerell several
times in the torso. Mr Damerell fell down dead.
His last words to me were: "I didn't think you were an assassin ..."
I replaced my knife, and am now reporting the demise of Mr Damerell.
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995
From: David Damerell
Earlier today I placed a poisoned envelope in my target's p'hole,
poisoned his doorknob and placed a piece of paper under his door with
poison on the underside.
I then went to the Enterprise meeting, where my assassin attempted to
chainsaw me: alas for him, it was an official society meeting - otherwise
I would be dead, but the Enterprise committee had cunningly removed his
supplies of petrol beforehand.
I then found myself in the room of Owen Dunn, with several other people.
Mr. Dunn made a comment of such incredible crassness that I took a pistol
and was taking careful aim with the intention of blowing his brains out,
when I was viciously backstabbed by Mr. Ian Jackson, which I do not
consider to be the action of a gentleman. I was pleased to witness from
my etherial position the demise of Mr. Jackson later the same day.
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995
From: Ben Harris
Right. Just now... Ian Jackson (iwj10) stabbed Tim Down (tad21),
killing him. After he'd put his knife away, I shot iwj10 in the head.
Since Tim Down is a policeman, and hence entitled to bear arms (which he
was doing), I believe I was morally right to shoot iwj10, even though he
is not (yet) on the wanted list.
From: Ian Jackson
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 95
There was just an incident in the Mond.
Tim Down (who I didn't recognise) was holding a gun and having a
conversation with me. Not realising he was a policeman I stabbed him
to death.
He tried to return fire with his dart gun, but was dead.
However, Ben Harris witnessed the exchange and shot me with a rubber
band - only doing so after I had once again concealed my knife.
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995
To: Dafydd Richards
> How many people are playing this term???
>
Not telling. 8-)
From: Dafydd Richards
Why not, I'm dead, are there more than 60???
[There were, but I wasn't going to say.]
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995
From: jim
Haha! I kill again. And Elizabeth is a very naughty girl...
Elizabeth and I had ascertained that Tim Waugh and PC Brian Cowe were logged
on in Cockcroft 4 (cos I saw them). So we went to the ground floor door
to the Austin building to lie in wait for them. We were only just in
time, as they were already in the foyer. Seeing us, Waugh ran at me with
a rather small and insignificant handgun, upon which I pulled out my
trusty Uzi and blasted him when he attempted to run behind the bicycle
racks. I then went round and further ventilated his corpse just to make
sure, but remained alert so that PC Cowe was unable to make his getaway.
A brief standoff ensued, and seeing that we were getting nowhere,
Elizabeth remained to guard the door, while I went up the Cockcroft
stairs and through the User Area to assault PC Cowe from the other side. He
spotted me before I could burst in and murder him, and held the door
shut against me, unfortunately failing to guard adequately against
Elizabeth, who entered via the outer door and shot him dead with her
machine pistol. Evil triumphs once more against the forces of law and order!
[and brevity]
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 From: Tim Waugh
After an encounter with Jim in the Mond room, New Museums Site, about
2:30pm, me and DC Cowe abruptly left as Brian didn't have a water weapon
with him. He bought a couple more weapons and we went in search of the
wanted one - JIM!
Hindered only by the fact that we had to go to Cockcroft 4 (for me to
collect my ML tick for week 5), we boldly set out into the dangerous
streets of Cambridge ...
We used a cunning route to Cockcroft 4, only to find that Jim was in fact
*in* Cockcroft 4 and waiting for us. I boldly collected my ML tick (for
week 5) and followed DC Cowe up to the exit, while he was talking to a
friend (who was leaving). We were intending to talk to a friend of ours,
who was still in Cockcroft 4. So we bid Brian's friend a safe exit and
walked back to where our friend was, by which time we found that Jim had
left his terminal and was walking to the exit (thinking we were
leaving). He called us 'cowards', a description which we feel is not
quite appropriate. Anyway, he left and we spoke with our friend.
Minutes later we left the room and took the stairs down to ground level,
where we found Jim and a suspicious-looking character who we now know to
be one Elizabeth Pringle (hmm, sounds familiar ...). They hurried
towards us, and I went out through the doors while arming myself. Jim
armed himself. At this point I thought to myself, "Shit." I had
under-estimated Jim's weaponry capabilities slightly, as I had a
mini-power-blaster and Jim had what looked like the 8 quid SuperSoaker.
At 3:32pm, it *felt* like the 8 quid SuperSoaker, after which I found
myself dead. I'd been hit in the head, crushing my skull, which sent me
falling to the wall, at which point Jim shot me again just for good
measure. I'm told it was not a pretty sight.
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995
From: Brian Cowe
New Museums site.
We met in the Mond room an hour before the killings. Neither of us
attempted a murder - I had recently mislaid my only long distance
weapon, he appeared not to want to cause a scene with so many people
present.
Tim Waugh and myself left, as discreetly as we could, knowing that at any
moment Jim may shoot us from behind. Taking a backdoor route to exit the
area, I re-armed myself. Due to the situation, it was required that Tim
and myself should be present in Cockroft 4 at 3 O'Clock.
We entered. Jim was waiting for us. After conducting our buisiness, we
stayed to check various computer related items. Jim left during this time.
When the time for our departure came, we left as carefully as we knew
how, taking the stairs for safety's sake. As we were exiting the
building (by the bike racks) we spotted him / he (and Liz Pringle)
spotted us.
Tim left the building and there was small arms fire outside, only Jim's
arms were substantially bigger than Tim's. I watched him die, slumped
against the wall. Jim shot again, after Tim was dead. Some cleaning up
may have been neccesary.
I stayed inside, using the door as protection. I could not save the life
of Tim. After some futile firing, he left, leaving Liz, now armed,
shooting towards me. After a few minutes, I wondered where Jim had
gone. A lecture? The call of nature? To cut me off? TO CUT ME OFF! I
wheleed around; noone there. However, I felt more trapped than ever. A
few minutes later (I felt unsafe moving until Liz was dead) he did appear
behind me - fortunately i could wedge the door closed with my foot.
However, I was now trapped between two doors. The only alternative was
the lift. getting to the lift would have involved letting one or other
of them in.
Unfortunately, while making my desperate plans, Liz opened the far door.
She put her hand around, and fired at me...
She should be put on the wanted list. There were witnesses walking
passed. I dont know if they saw me get shot, but they definitely
witnessed the attack.
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995
From: "T.H. Moore"
Dave I am dead
I am dead Dave
Dead I am Dave
ET-bloody-C
At 18.00 on 9/2/95 I was plugged by a bloke who burst into my room whilst
I was sorting out my laundry. How ignominious, being found shot dead,
face down in my Y-Fronts. Sigh. Anyway, sorry about the sad joke, you'll
probably be very sick of it. Due to the trauma of my death I am now a
pacifist and will not really want to join the Filth/Bill/Police.
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995
From: "A.J. Bolt"
Mr Menage has made two classical errors, resulting in a fatal and terminal
lost of life, namely: being traceable while logged in, and using a lift
(to be specific, emerging from the CL tower lift on the same floor as
his assassin).
Chris Brown had just walked into the tower from the podium entrance, and
Paul saw him heading towards the stairs and turned to fire - not noticing
me just outside the door with a loaded sub-machine gun. The burst he
fired just as he died dropped short of its intended target, which would
no doubt have upset him.
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 95
From: Paul Bolchover
You may be interested in hearing that el201@hermes is going round offering to
tell people who their assassin is, in return for you telling him your victim.
This is (as it should be) within the rules, but it is the first time that I
have heard of anyone trying it.
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995
From: "T.H. Coates"
Dear David,
I'm dead. Mortis portalis tackularum. Stabbed brutally in the chest by
Paul Menage (my target) as I peacefully queued in Burger King.
If I may be permitted a small diversion:
Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn
Any chance I could join the police?
Yours bleeding messily from several vital organs
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995
From: Nigel James Harris
On leaving my room, I look out for the accomplice in the shower. He stays
in the shower. I hear sounds in the kitchen. Is this my assassin? I
consider how sad I'll look pointing a water pistol at one of my
neighbours. I round the corner pistol raised. It's my assassin. Instantly
I compare weapon sizes. Mine a regular water pistol, his a fuckin'
massive shotgun. I haven't had my Weetabix. I send in a brief backwards
shot as I perform a sprint start that Ben Johnson could only match by
dining on steroids. In one picosecond I'm out of weapons range. In one
nanosecond I'm out of the building, making good my ESCAPE.
For so it was. Damage report turned up no water hits on either my coat or
my head. You may relate to my assassin, my subsequent purchase of the
water equivalent of an Oozie automatic, with which I intend to slice him
in two, starting with his well-remenbered face. I await your verdict and
the identity of my next target.
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995
From: The One and Only Darien
Today at around 4pm, I espied the wanted criminal Andrew Q Somers
crossing from Trinity Great Gate over to Whewell's Court and entering
Whewells' mail room. I followed him in unnoticed.
I wish to apologise to any members of Trinity College resident in Blue
Boar Court, Whewell's Court or Wolfson Building for any stains or
fragments of Somers' brain that I might have inadvertently left in their
pigeonholes after I blew his brains out...
From: Dave Holland
Date: Sat, 11 Feb 1995
Hot news...
8pm today, Jim Cameron banged on my door. I let him in and as he came
through the door I stabbed him in the stomach with a cardboard knife. As
a law-abiding citizen it was the only thing I could do... His last words,
as his entrails spilled on the floor, were "That's not fair!"
Date: Sun, 12 Feb 1995
From: Nigel James Harris
My incompetent assassin knocked heavily on my door and turned my door
handle, after twelve o'clock last night. On the previous night he
covered my door handle in a seminal-like substance, that one of my
friends touched on his entry to my room. Has he killed with contact
poison an innocent victim here? Surely the persona one should adopt in
this game is that of a cold-blooded contract killer, not some
sex-pervert psychopath? In any case can't he try to kill me at a more
sociable hour? They were never like this in my day - it was honour
among murderers back then. In addition, and I hesitate to mention this
because his incompetence makes it hardly seem to warrant the word
"attempt", he tried to shoot me this morning - an attack quickly
repulsed by the use of a grenade, which unfortunately just missed. His
face is now very nicely photographed, and you may inform him of his
imminent demise (be afraid - be very afraid, or something like that).
Date: Sun, 12 Feb 1995
From: Colin Ross
> Apparently the handle still had _your_ poison on it, which killed an innocent
> victim last night. You will shortly go on the wanted list if this is correct.
Oh. Time to run for cover then...
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 95
From: Elizabeth Pringle
I have just spent two hours giving single red tulips (poisoned of course) to
the following: Ian Bache, Chris Brown (I hope, if I have remembered his
initials correctly), Jeremy Longley (I hope I have guessed correctly that he is
playing) and also PCs Wood, Waugh and Timms. Bache's is stuck through his
letter box, the others are in their pidges.
Oh and I ran into Geoff Tolley ralking to a random man called James, and shot
him on the offchance. He was another innocent. Damn. I'm getting jumpier and
jumpier. It's surtviving so long on the wanted list that does it.
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 1995
From: "M.S. Anderson" <94msa@eng.cam.ac.uk>
The story so far:
The heroic Mike Anderson (self-styled Next of the Musician-Assassins)
has made his way back to his room after checking his pigeon-hole. There
had been a suspiciously large number of letters purporting to be valentines
in his pigeon-hole. He had been unable to trace the origin of the strange
doubt that had made him think that one of these letters was a fake.
The story continues:
Mike sat checking the letters. Several had hand-writing that he
recognised or post-marks that gave their sender away. None were coated
with contact poison. There was one however ... he examined it, and as he
did so, listened closely - yes, it did rattle, a curious property for a
love letter. He turned it over: "s.w.a.k.". Did he have to contribute
actively to his own destruction? Tying his gas-mask over his mouth he
wondered whether there was actually any point in opening the letter,
after all, the sender was unlikely to have given themselves away inside.
"I hope you weren't wearing a gas-mask", read the note. Mike wondered
exactly how hard he would have had to sniff at the letter to smell the
pepper in any case. He smiled: good news, he probably didn't have to
expect any particularly cunning attacks from this assailant.
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 1995
From: "A.J. Bolt"
I've just received a lovely valentines card from a dear friend, Mr A.
Sassin. Being slightly suspicious at first, I opened it carefully with
a piece of wire, but once I realised who it was from, I removed the
little electronic circuit and had a chance to relax to the strains of
'I just called to say I love you'.
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 95
From: Elizabeth Pringle
I see Mr Waugh doesn't know the difference between roses and tulips. I wonder
if any of the other flowers killed any good innocents?
Best wishes,
Elizabeth.
Resident psychopath.
From: Dave Holland
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995
I got a musical valentines card from "A.Sasin" which blew my head off :(
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995
From: Maddog Sally
On St. Valentine's Day, a red rose, individually wrapped Last Rolo (TM),and
personalised love poem were left an assassin posed as a Christ's Lurve Meister
with the Porters of Robinson College for a Mr Joe Pearce,as he had escaped the
assassins wrath by not being in his room when the assassin arrived. The
rose was perfectly safe, as was the poem, but the Rolo had been very cunningly
poisoned. A hole had been cut through the base, the toffee scooped out, and
Mustard put inside in its place. The base was replaced, and chocolate
scrapings were used to fill the gaps. These were then heat treated to seal the
base, and to smooth it out, so that it appeared completely untouched.
The ruse was compoletely fool proof, and if Mr Pearce claims that he
survived, then he must be lying through his teeth, but I leave that up to
the Umpire to decide. However, I asked independant witnesses to examine
th Rolo before wrapping, and they said it looked like a normal rolo, and
you could not smell the mustard either, so if he escaped then he is very
lucky/a cynic/a Jehova's Witness. Not that I'm annoyed with him for not
dying, or anything...
Date: Sun, 19 Feb 1995
From: Destroyer of Worlds/ Fluffy Bunny/ Eater of Souls
Yes, I did receive something.
The flower was definitely not poisoned, but the "last rolo" may have
been-----I didn't eat it because it looked a bit gross.
Date: Sun, 19 Feb 95
From: Aldabra Stoddart
I have comprehensively dealt with the inmate of Keyneside calling himself
Jonathan Kelt; unfortunately, I had to do this in the presence of a
witness (female), when it became apparent that my alibi (doing a survey
of student knowledge of local government for the Lib Dems) wasn't going
to entice him away. I think she may have been splashed slightly, but
not seriously injured. I apologised to her and departed in a random
direction, and she has no way of naming me; she had never seen me before,
I believe. My weapon was a small pistol, and I maust have shot him
half a dozen times. I think a lampshade may have been damaged as he
fell.
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 95
From: Aldabra Stoddart
Have left some contract poison (didn't seem worth correcting the typo)
for this chappie.
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 95
From: Aldabra Stoddart
Silly beggar doesn't lock his door, does he? So I turn up at 07:30 with
a beautiful elegant _effortful_ bomb, and his door springs open while I'm
wiring it up. Lots of flailing naked just-woken-up male flesh, that's
what I like. (Er, SWITCH NOQUOTE.)
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995
From: David Damerell
Today Rob Wilcox, Tim Waugh and myself attempted to apprehend the
dangerous criminal Liz Pringle. We were fortunate enough, while scouting
the NMS, to spot her engaged in her nefarious activities in her office.
We immediately proceeded up to Cockroft 3 and down the stairs by the
lift, so as to arrive from an unexpected direction. We next sighted her
above us near her office: we attempted to give pursuit but owing to the
large amount of cover present she escaped, presumably into Corn Exchange
Street. We then attempted to make an arrest at her residence, but could
not gain entry. We shall endeavour to bring this dangerous criminal to
justice by blasti^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H as soon as possible.
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 95
From: Elizabeth Pringle
Passing Queens' on my way to work, I decided that I felt like satisfying my
blood lust, so I went to see PC Branscombe. PC Branscombe had left his door open
while he went for a shower. When he returned he saw me sitting on his bed.
It was the last thing he evr saw.
He died from multiple gunshot wounds at 11.30 am or thereabouts.
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995
From: "Digby, emperor penguin"
On leaving my room today, my fingers got covered in what at first
appeared to be Marmite, but as I fell over dead a few minutes later, I
can only assume it was some lethal poison.
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995
From: "A.J. Bolt"
PC Tim Waugh was pursuing his duties with respect to Elizabeth,
with the help of PC Wilcox, trying to coax her out of the Mond room.
I had been observing the enquiries from one of the terminals, and
decided to wander around outside for a while, just in case, you
know. After successfully disarming her, the policepersons decided
they were going to be unable to apprehend her, and allowed her to
leave the mond room. She dashed out, thinking herself free, and ran
straight into a line of fire from my trusty rifle.
That was fun...
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995
From: Phoenix
As you are no doubt aware, Liz Pringle has now been shot dead by PC
Andrew Bolt (or at least I think that's his name).
This is the brief report fo the incident my PC Tim Waugh and myself.
Liz came into the Mond Room at about 12.15pm to speak with me, as she had
done on two previous occasions - this time however PC Tim Waugh was also
present, so we were able to worry Liz into not leaving (she was worried we
might actually keep her there until 5.30pm, she only had a super soaker).
We detained and taunted said criminal for a while (about half an hour)
unitl I was able to procure the ammo canister from her rifle.
We then proceeded to let Liz go, with the intention of chasing her after
a suitable head start - and then we heard that PC Andrew Bolt, who had
left the Mond Room whilst we waited with her, shoot her - he had gone
outside to wait for the next person to come out, reputedly he was
overheard to mutter 'I would have killed whichever of them had come out
first' over the corpse.
Date: Sun, 26 Feb 95
From: Aldabra Stoddart
[Jon Knight] shot 5:20pm yesterday as he approached Sainsbury's/.
I think I should
come off the wanted list again for this act of public service to ucam.chat
8-)
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 95
From: Elizabeth Pringle
All the time I was alive my bicycle was in the market square. I thought to
myself, 'If I try to get it, someone will shoot me while I am struggling with
it and can't shoot back..'
Today I went and got my bike. And as I was unlocking it Aldabra shot me dead.
To: bjh21@hermes
As you know, a number of deaths last night have changed the situation.
Some restructuring of the Organisation is required. Please restructure
Chris Tomkinson.
To: 94ajg2@club.eng.cam.ac.uk
David Damerell has been careless, and the inevitable consequence of
carelessness means that you have a new target, Russell Hughes.
To: pbm1001@cam
Clare Izard is Undead. Stock up on garlic water, and stake her out.
To: Clive
> ps. It's a real pain having a target who lives 2-3 miles outside the
> centre of town, especially if oyu don't have a bike. It took me 40
> minutes to walk there, and he wasn't even in!
You're lucky it wasn't Girton. I walked there once through the snow to kill
someone. They reasoned that only a loony would walk all the way there in the
snow to kill them. They were right. 8-)))
To: Aldabra Stoddart
> Have left some contract poison (didn't seem worth correcting the typo)
> for this chappie.
>
It worked. Unfortunately it worked on his friend who reached the door
ahead of him, so you are now on the wanted list. Good luck with the Police.
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995
To: Eric Ling
> Hello. I sent a poisoned letter to Paul Bolchover.
>
Unfortunately, it was picked up by a friend, and there was poison on the
outside, so you're going on the Wanted List.
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995
From: Ni
At around 8.40 pm Chris Tomkinson died today.
His brains splattered over queens' bar pool table.
I (dressed all in BLACK) and my accomplice, who shall remain nameless,
strolled into queens college with the intent to kill. 'Cos we're
dangerous psychopaths, Oh yes we are.
First we tried his room....he was out, so we smeared a dangerous contact
poison over his door handle and on the door of his kitchen cupboard ----
we were not seen applying the substance at any point.
Acting on information received we then proceeded to queens' bar. My
accomplice scouted the bar and pinpointed a potential chris, on
rejoining me outside the bar, my accomplice passed on the information at
which point, I entered the bar, confirmed the target, drew my gun and blew
his brains out.
I confirmed with him and the several witnesses present, that he was dead.
The End Of CRIS TOMKINSON...Ha Ha Ha......
Date: Wed, 01 Mar 95
From: Nigel James Harris
Miss Moneypenny can close Matthew "Moose" Hartley's file.
The door creaked open. Moose glanced furtively round outside, then shut the
door, before proceeding down the steps. Someone in the basement caused the
clunk of a can machine. One shake and sip of the canned dry Martini, then R
staircase developed a standing wave as low calibre bullets sped from an Oozie
automatic, tracing a helix on the wall of the staircase, and leaving a barely
recognisable pulp where the said locus had intersected Moose's upward flight. A
calling card was later found swimming among the unfortunate's constituents. It
proposed that immediate acceptance of the duel offered would have been the more
pleasant strategy.
Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995
To: nigel@physical.demon.co.uk
Following your successful, and possibly over-enthusiastic termination of
Matthew Hartley, please remove Sally Martin, C28 Fitz.
Remember, bullets cost money... 8-)
Date: Sat, 4 Mar 1995
From: "J.D. Pearce"
Subject: Oooops..many (3) innocent bystanders violently slaughtered by wittle
old me.
In case you haven't already guessed I just killed 3 innocent people
(non-players) in a (somewhat fucked-up) attempt to kill Chris Brown.
At about 4.30pm I entered the shared living room of the aforementioned
Mr.Brown and proceeded to blow the brains out of everyone in there.
Unfortunately Mr. B was _not_ in (...Bugger). There were no witnesses and
no screams.
Somewhat upset in finding that Chris was not among the many slain, I
proceeded to coat the doorhandle of his bedroom with a highly toxic
contact poison. Hope he dies horribly and soon.
Date: Sat, 4 Mar 1995
From: Chris Brown
Came back to my room, very nasty - corpses everywhere, contact poison on
the door handle (duly wiped off with a damp cloth). This sort of thing
could be a potential death trap. As such, I have now installed a nice little
booby-trap that will, when a string is pulled in the main room, viciously
murder everyone stood in the hallway by the cunning positioning of a
maximum range bomb in my bedroom (which will be heard outside, and can
blast far enough through the hall to get anyone near either door.) I have
it on good authority that my old friend, Eric was along for the ride
too.. Be a shame if they both come back and get blown up, won't it? :-)
Date: Sun, 05 Mar 95
From: Nigel James Harris
There is a major inaccuracy in the news that you distributed at 18:20. Under
orders from my superiors I have neutralised every one of the 13
policemen except Rob Wilcox, whom I have invited to tea this afternoon
(Sunday). You will be relieved to know that I was economical with bullets and
such like this time, was minimally visible and disposed of all
witnesses. Please update the police list appropriately.
007 of MI6
Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995
From: Sid <94ajg2@eng.cam.ac.uk>
At approximately 8.30 to 8.45 pm (I forget which night it was - Thursday
or Friday). I was entertaining a lady friend in my room. Disturbed by a
knock on the door, and still slightly paranoid, I called out 'Who is
it?' and got the reply 'Nigel'. I opened the door to find a meek and
mild-mannered individual standing there. He pretended to be after some
information on Aldabra Stott, and as I was wondering why he had come to
me, he pulled out a knife and violently stabbed me in the chest.
My lady friend was shocked by this brutal, uncalled for murder, and
started screaming her head off as I lay dying in a pool of blood on the
floor. My attacker made his escape into the night. My lady friend was later
taken to hospital suffering from shock and screaming about the blood.
Being now a ghost, and privy to many secrets, I can tell you that my
attacker and murderer was one Nigel Harris.
Date: Tue, 07 Mar 95
From: Paul Bolchover
Well, I wasn't expecting it, but someone has put poison on my door handle and
killed me (again). It occurred yesterday (monday) evening.
Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 16:26:00 +0000 (GMT)
From: Anarchy
> > Another contact-poison attempt by me today, on Paul Bolchover's door-
> > unfortunately it seems that I wasn't the only one with this idea.
> >
>
> At least four people have tried to poison him so far in the last day or
> two, and one of them (probably Eric) was successful.
Ah, popular person then. :-)
MESSAGE FOR JC10007
EMPP1 7 Mar 1995 17.04
The muppet-likeness of the policeforce amazes me...
EMPP1 7 Mar 1995 17.05
Meaning the dead ones, not you.
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 1995
From: "Nigel \"James\" Harris"
Andrew Somers had the good manners to evacuate his bowels for the
dissection that followed. PC Somers lies headfirst in a toilet
bowl. Current bodycount = 18.
Sadly Aldabra doesn't seem to trust me - can't think why.
Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995
From: Eric Ling
Hi. Someone just came round and tried my door and found it was locked. I
talked to him and he squealed in horror, and shot a hole in my door. He
retreated behind the door to our shared corridor with the tip of his gun
pointing through the crack. I taunted him a full three minutres before he
gave up and left. I did not get a very good look at him through my
peephole, but it was evident to me that he was one of the most horrific
looking specimens ever to carry a gun. I'm talking GROSS. He left a trail
of slime which I followed outside, but the rain was already washing it away.
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 1995
From: Eric Ling
Hello. Yesterday night in Robinson JCR I shot the following members of
the public:
Steve Haslam (who then produced a super soaker 100 and shot me)
Mark Leonard (who then chucked my bullet out of the window, and I spent
15 minutes looking for it)
In the computer room I shot the thoroughly repugnant Arun Zachariah, who
promptly picked up my bullet and sucked it. Needless to say, I did not
retrieve it.
I am disturbed by these events, and I think that necromancy should be
disallowed from the killer rules, on pain of disqualification.
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 1995
From: Nigel James Harris
Joe "Shadow" Pearce finally fell into the shadows tonight. Having
camouflaged myself among the Bond-age crowd at Robinson College,
and partaken of a few dry Martinis, I left behind the Bond girls
and Miss Moneypennys, and crept stealthily to the slightly open
window. A swift parting of the curtains was the last event Pearce
saw before high velocity lead deactivated his criminal mind.
Cantabrigiensans can sleep soundly in their beds tonight, in the
secure knowledge that Miss Stoddart and I have retired the
criminal community.
I propose a gun duel between Aldabra and me by the Great Court
Fountain, Trinity College at high noon. If she agrees, will you
umpire it?
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