University of Cambridge Assassin's Guild
Archived E-mail for Lent 1995 Game

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Member L95MAIL
 Lent Term 1995 Killer Mail
 Edited highlights of the mail. Explanations or comments from the Umpire
 are in square brackets.
 Date: Fri, 03 Feb 95
 From: Andrew James Bolt
 Which reminds me, I've been feeling very worried that someone's out to
 take my life, and I suspect that they may make an attempt to kill me
 sometime in the near future. As a result, I've constructed an electronic
 detonater which I can wire to my computer so that I can place a bomb
 by the door and trigger it remotely - thus if anyone attempts to burst
 into my room and shoot me, I may stand a chance of stopping them in
 their tracks...
 Oh, btw, an unfortunate side effect of the parts I've salvaged for the
 detonator circuit is that it plays a meddly of Christmas songs on
 triggering. Hopefully this circuit would be destroyed in the blast, and
 thus save me from the resultant insanity-inducing ditty.
 Date: Fri, 03 Feb 95
 From: Andrew James Bolt
 Oh good, so you don't think I'm going paranoid then. At least someone
 believes me. It's not you who's been following me recently is it? It's
 all of you isn't it! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
 From: Nigel Harris
 Subject: Electricution
 I am developing a moderate voltage device to selectively give my targets a
 tingle that they'll know about should they be foolish enough to want to enter
 or leave their rooms on a weekend when the cleaning lady etc. is not working
 and so not going to be an innocent victim. Would this mild electric shock be
 counted as a valid assassination by electricution? I could leave them a calling
 card so they they would know it was not just static from something like their
 feet rubbing on the carpet. Obviously I'd like to know if one of my targets has
 a pacemaker or a weak heart just seeking any excuse to defibrilate.
 Isn't it just such a sweet notion?
 I await your authorisation / condemnation.
 [I didn't allow it]
 To: Dafydd Richards [After receiving two entries]
 > Ok, you can count me in for the next game of killer, this term that is.
 You can only enter once, Dafydd, unless you've been cloning yourself. 8-)
 To: cdt20@hermes
 Elizabeth Pringle has a large collection of unusual videotapes, which
 could become an embarrassment to the Organisation. Dispose of her.
 To: thc20@hermes
 Paul Menage has been engaging in unauthorised vigilante activities. The
 organisation has requested his termination. Use any methods.
 To: mrh23@hermes
 Sally "Maddog" Martin is becoming disobedient to the Organisation.
 Correct this breach of discipline. Permanently.
 To: thm20@hermes
 Matthew Hartley is due for "early retirement". Break the news to him. And
 clean up afterwards.
 To: cwep2@hermes
 Aldabra Stoddart has been associating with a notorious psychopath, and
 has become a threat. Terminate her.
 To: bjh21@hermes
 Austin Donnelly has survived being thrown in the Cam, and so is clearly
 not human. All such mutants must be eradicated.
 Jonathan Kelt wishes to leave the Organisation. As you know, there is
 only one way to leave the Organisation. Send him on his way.
 From: Aldabra Stoddart
 Date: Mon, 6 Feb 95
 Mr Kelt should find himself poisoned by a bizarre Creationist leaflet
 any day now.
 To: blp1000@cam
 Chris Brown, notorious hitman for the Trinity Hall mafia, is back in town.
 Ensure that he stays here. The cemetery would seem a suitable location.
 To: empp1@phx
 Angela Merrick has offended people in high places. Escort her to a low
 place. Six feet under should be sufficient.
 Jung Lee has become a security risk, and accordingly will have his
 privileges removed. Breathing, for a start.
 To: cgb20@hermes
 Ian Jackson has been investigating the security of the Organisation's
 database. This intrusion cannot be tolerated. Dispose of him.
 To: rih1000@phx
 Dave Holland, an expert in chemical warfare, is planning to defect to a
 secret weapons program abroad, known only by the codename "Domestos".
 Kill him at once.
 To: djsd100@hermes
 Chris Tomkinson has said unkind things about Cthulhu's mother. Devour
 with extreme prejudice.
 To: ctt20@hermes
 Ben Partridge is mixing with the wrong sort of people. Ensure that
 from now on he mixes with nobody. Nobody living, anyway.
 To: tad21@cam
 Tim Waugh has been listening to the wrong conversations between the wrong
 people. Ensure he doesn't do anything else wrong. I think he may be able
 to cope with lying in a coffin correctly.
 To: bgc20@hermes
 Emil Bernal has leaked vital documents to the Press. Ensure that from
 now on he leaks only blood.
 Clare Izard is becoming dangerously fluffy. Take whatever action you feel
 necessary, as long as it involves killing her.
 To: jim 
 Eric Ling has betrayed the Organisation. Your mission, should you choose
 to accept it, is to ensure this does not happen again. This message will
 self destruct.
 Good luck, Jim.
 Date: Mon, 06 Feb 95
 Bugger Robinson. No dice @7am, must try again later.
 To: asm21@hermes
 Mark Davey has served his purpose, and must be disposed of. Use a fresh
 bin liner and remember to clean the blood off the walls.
 To: cr10009@hermes
 The Organisation is displeased with Geoff Tolley. You are asked to
 express our displeasure in person. Clean up afterwards.
 David Damerell is clogging up the Internet with DOOM packets. Remove this
 threat to world communications immediately. All methods have been approved.
 Be careful, he's pretty handy with a chainsaw.
 To: cdh21@hermes
 Colin Ross has been prying into the finances of the Organisation, and
 must be liquidated immediately.
 Dafydd Richards is a notorious psychopath, but he's Welsh, so kill him
 From: Jay Foad
 At 10:00 am on Monday 6th February, Mr Jay Foad of Trinity College (in a
 heroic attempt to get killed absurdly quickly) was murdered by a one-time
 friend and accomplice turned professional bastard, Mr Nigel Harris, also
 of Trinity.  The two were engaged in conversation outside the Chemistry
 Lab, Lensfield Road, when Mr Harris fired several shots at point blank
 range into his victim's head.  Scores of witnesses, being Natscis, failed
 to bat an eyelid.
 Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995
 From: "N.J. Harris" 
 Friends and relatives have gathered to mourn the violent death of a Mr
 Jay Foad...His dying words were the name and college address of a
 particularly close friend whose company he desired in the afterlife. A
 wake for this renowned philanthropist (sucker!) will be held in the
 college bar this evening.
 One down... and the domino's start falling.
 David, it's over to you!
 I await confirmation of my next target. I wouldn't want to have been sent
 to Mike Tyson as a joke, would I?
 Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995
 From: Geoff 
 Dear David Allsopp,
 At approximately 2:30 today, in full view of passers-by, Emily
 Read was shot dead at point-blank range and her assassin immediately
 afterwards, overcome by remorse, shot himself dead as well (at
 point-blank range).
 Eye-witnesses saw the two arguing, and one of them (a friend of
 Miss Read's) said that there was an intention on her part to jump off of
 Clare Bridge at the request of the man she recognised as being known to
 the late Miss Read. Realising that he had been rumbled, the man suggested
 that they "go shopping" instead, whereupon he lost his cool, blowing away
 the unfortunate Miss Read with a half-dozen shots and then spilling his
 own brains over the bloodstained bridge. Oh dear.
 Hope you solve this most mysterious case soon,
 Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995
 To: Geoff Tolley
 Aaargh! You can't keep it simple for me, can you?
 Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995
 From: Emily Read
 I arrived home to my room at about 2pm this afternoon to find a rather
 tense young man sitting in my chair, recognising him as a friend
 and fellow Computer scientist, I didn't have a problem with this, until he
 proceded to pull out a gun and
 act rather strangely, one minute threatening to kill me the next to kill
 himself. he then compromised and said he would let me jump off Clare
 bridge instead of shooting me (I thought I might be able to swim to
 safety ) so he led me at gunpoint to the bridge, then wrestled with his
 conscience for a bit, giving me time to call to a passing friend for help,
 giving my assasin the excuse he needed to pull the trigger(while covering
 it up witha call to go shopping with him). I fell off
 into the murky waters of the Cam, and he subsequently turned the gun on
 himself in remorse at what he'd done.
 so there you have it!
 Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995
 To: Emily Read
 Good grief, you have to make it complicated!
 [I could have done without this kind of complication on the first day...]
 Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995
 To: Maddog Sally 
 > joe Pearce is going to have a nasty shock, or strictly speaking, several
 > nasty shocks when he comes out of his room.  There's vaseline on his door
 > handle, a poisoned letter in his pig like the last, and a highly perfumed
 > (and vaselined for good measure) bit of paper stuck to one of his
 > letters, also in his pig.  Now, if one of THOSE doesn't get him, then
 > I'll just have to try again...
 Your target appears to be competent in survival, for your attempts were
 detected and disarmed. The Organisation is not pleased. We expected
 better of you. I trust Mr Pearce will be dealt with soon.
 Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995
 From: "E.W. Bernal" 
 Last night I was  caught off guard, and following a very one-sided
 battle, now find myself in the after-world (nice place, but a bit too
 heavy on the harps for my liking). Anyway, the attackers (two of them) were
 dressed as though they were about to audition for 'The Untouchables' and
 fled into the night before an identification could be made.
 Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995
 From: jim 
 Nothing much really. We noticed Tim Down was logged on in John's library,
 so we headed over there to see if we could get him. We went in, looked in
 the (well a) computer room and saw no Tim, so we went back into the
 courtyard. We were standing around discussing how best to kill him when
 lo and behold, he came out, accompanied by Brian Cowe. I chased after him
 with my gun, but he legged it through the archway, and by the time I got
 near it Brian was close behind me, so I thought it prudent to challenge
 him rather than be caught between two potential assassins. Then followed
 a brief conversation along the lines of "Who are you?" "Who are you?"
 "Who wants to know?" "The man pointing a gun at your head", until he
 foolishly commented that I was a legitimate target and he was not. This
 made me nervous. Making me nervous when I am pointing a gun at your head
 is not recommended, as Brian found out when I shot him, before saying
 that I didn't really care.
 Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995
 I recieved a poisoned letter this evening and sadly died of its effects.
 This was shortly before I was due to meet my blind date, but fortunately
 I had recently eaten a certain combination of root and fish so became a
 zombie. He was surprised to have a date with an Undead, but then, some
 evenings just don't go as expected do they?
 Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995
 From: rajah 
 Da! Da! Da!
 Another one bites the dust!
 I was sitting in my room, discussing who I should kill next with a
 friend. I had decided on Mark Davey, a small fish in the assassins guild.
 He had however displeased my masters the Mafia....
 but wait - is that a knock at the door? "Who is it?"; "Its me! Mark!";
 so I opened the door a crack, placed my revolver against his chest, and
 with a resounding bang! splattered his heart all over the wall behind him
 ah - the perils of being unwary and trusting while playing killer eh? I
 didnt even find any weapons on the body!
 Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995
 From: Tom Coates
 Dear Umpire and Lord of the Universe [Now that's more like it]
 Would monomol filament (represented by cotton thread across a door) be a
 permissible weapon?  Or indeed monomol filament coated with contact poison?
 [For the unacquainted, monomol=monomolecular; A filament made of a single
 molecule, so fine and therefore sharp that it cuts right through anybody who
 walks into it. Unfortunately it doesn't actually exist. I didn't allow it.]
 Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995
 From: Jim Cameron
 Yaay! I got my first cop! Shot Emily Read in the head as she was waiting
 to cross Queens Road. Well, we always knew it was a dangerous road, that...
 Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995
 From: The Godfather 
 [forwarded to]
 The Mafia are not pleased to see that some of our members are being
 Their deaths will not go unavenged.  Those who are responsible WILL die.  Be
 For those who would like to aid us in KILLING THEM ALL *DEAD* you must join our
 The message is simple: JOIN US OR *DIE* YOURSELF!!!  A..HAHAHAHAAAA!!!
 EMail requesting that we DON'T kill you (ie. by joining us) should be sent to:
 The God-Father. (Under New Management)
 Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995
 From: Stephen Early
 I've just been killed by Jim Cameroni.
 This seems to have happened before... usually when I've been playing.
 Date: Wed, 8 Feb 95
 From: Ian Jackson
 This evening I and a number of my associates were conferring at the
 abode of Mr Owen Dunn.  Mr David Damerell, who was present, had a
 disagreement with Mr Dunn over some trivial matter.  Mr Damerell drew
 a large-calibre weapon and took aim, waving the firearm in the
 direction of several of the other persons present in the process.
 I could not let my colleague, Mr Dunn, die without my intervention,
 and the risk to others present was considerable, so I withdrew the
 knife I had concealed on my person and stabbed Mr Damerell several
 times in the torso.  Mr Damerell fell down dead.
 His last words to me were: "I didn't think you were an assassin ..."
 I replaced my knife, and am now reporting the demise of Mr Damerell.
 Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995
 From: David Damerell
 Earlier today I placed a poisoned envelope in my target's p'hole,
 poisoned his doorknob and placed a piece of paper under his door with
 poison on the underside.
 I then went to the Enterprise meeting, where my assassin attempted to
 chainsaw me: alas for him, it was an official society meeting - otherwise
 I would be dead, but the Enterprise committee had cunningly removed his
 supplies of petrol beforehand.
 I then found myself in the room of Owen Dunn, with several other people.
 Mr. Dunn made a comment of such incredible crassness that I took a pistol
 and was taking careful aim with the intention of blowing his brains out,
 when I was viciously backstabbed by Mr. Ian Jackson, which I do not
 consider to be the action of a gentleman. I was pleased to witness from
 my etherial position the demise of Mr. Jackson later the same day.
 Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995
 From: Ben Harris
 Right.  Just now...  Ian Jackson (iwj10) stabbed Tim Down (tad21),
 killing him.  After he'd put his knife away, I shot iwj10 in the head.
 Since Tim Down is a policeman, and hence entitled to bear arms (which he
 was doing), I believe I was morally right to shoot iwj10, even though he
 is not (yet) on the wanted list.
 From: Ian Jackson
 Date: Wed, 8 Feb 95
 There was just an incident in the Mond.
 Tim Down (who I didn't recognise) was holding a gun and having a
 conversation with me.  Not realising he was a policeman I stabbed him
 to death.
 He tried to return fire with his dart gun, but was dead.
 However, Ben Harris witnessed the exchange and shot me with a rubber
 band - only doing so after I had once again concealed my knife.
 Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995
 To: Dafydd Richards
 > How many people are playing this term???
 Not telling.  8-)
 From: Dafydd Richards
 Why not, I'm dead, are there more than 60???
 [There were, but I wasn't going to say.]
 Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995
 From: jim 
 Haha! I kill again. And Elizabeth is a very naughty girl...
 Elizabeth and I had ascertained that Tim Waugh and PC Brian Cowe were logged
 on in Cockcroft 4 (cos I saw them). So we went to the ground floor door
 to the Austin building to lie in wait for them. We were only just in
 time, as they were already in the foyer. Seeing us, Waugh ran at me with
 a rather small and insignificant handgun, upon which I pulled out my
 trusty Uzi and blasted him when he attempted to run behind the bicycle
 racks. I then went round and further ventilated his corpse just to make
 sure, but remained alert so that PC Cowe was unable to make his getaway.
 A brief standoff ensued, and seeing that we were getting nowhere,
 Elizabeth remained to guard the door, while I went up the Cockcroft
 stairs and through the User Area to assault PC Cowe from the other side. He
 spotted me before I could burst in and murder him, and held the door
 shut against me, unfortunately failing to guard adequately against
 Elizabeth, who entered via the outer door and shot him dead with her
 machine pistol. Evil triumphs once more against the forces of law and order!
 [and brevity]
 Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 From: Tim Waugh
 After an encounter with Jim in the Mond room, New Museums Site, about
 2:30pm, me and DC Cowe abruptly left as Brian didn't have a water weapon
 with him.  He bought a couple more weapons and we went in search of the
 wanted one - JIM!
 Hindered only by the fact that we had to go to Cockcroft 4 (for me to
 collect my ML tick for week 5), we boldly set out into the dangerous
 streets of Cambridge ...
 We used a cunning route to Cockcroft 4, only to find that Jim was in fact
 *in* Cockcroft 4 and waiting for us.  I boldly collected my ML tick (for
 week 5) and followed DC Cowe up to the exit, while he was talking to a
 friend (who was leaving).  We were intending to talk to a friend of ours,
 who was still in Cockcroft 4.  So we bid Brian's friend a safe exit and
 walked back to where our friend was, by which time we found that Jim had
 left his terminal and was walking to the exit (thinking we were
 leaving).  He called us 'cowards', a description which we feel is not
 quite appropriate.  Anyway, he left and we spoke with our friend.
 Minutes later we left the room and took the stairs down to ground level,
 where we found Jim and a suspicious-looking character who we now know to
 be one Elizabeth Pringle (hmm, sounds familiar ...).  They hurried
 towards us, and I went out through the doors while arming myself.  Jim
 armed himself.  At this point I thought to myself, "Shit."  I had
 under-estimated Jim's weaponry capabilities slightly, as I had a
 mini-power-blaster and Jim had what looked like the 8 quid SuperSoaker.
 At 3:32pm, it *felt* like the 8 quid SuperSoaker, after which I found
 myself dead.  I'd been hit in the head, crushing my skull, which sent me
 falling to the wall, at which point Jim shot me again just for good
 measure.  I'm told it was not a pretty sight.
 Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995
 From: Brian Cowe
 New Museums site.
 We met in the Mond room an hour before the killings.  Neither of us
 attempted a murder - I had recently mislaid my only long distance
 weapon, he appeared not to want to cause a scene with so many people
 Tim Waugh and myself left, as discreetly as we could, knowing that at any
 moment Jim may shoot us from behind.  Taking a backdoor route to exit the
 area, I re-armed myself.  Due to the situation, it was required that Tim
 and myself should be present in Cockroft 4 at 3 O'Clock.
 We entered.  Jim was waiting for us.  After conducting our buisiness, we
 stayed to check various computer related items.  Jim left during this time.
 When the time for our departure came, we left as carefully as we knew
 how, taking the stairs for safety's sake.  As we were exiting the
 building (by the bike racks) we spotted him / he (and Liz Pringle)
 spotted us.
 Tim left the building and there was small arms fire outside, only Jim's
 arms were substantially bigger than Tim's.  I watched him die, slumped
 against the wall.  Jim shot again, after Tim was dead.  Some cleaning up
 may have been neccesary.
 I stayed inside, using the door as protection.  I could not save the life
 of Tim.  After some futile firing, he left, leaving Liz, now armed,
 shooting towards me.  After a few minutes, I wondered where Jim had
 gone.  A lecture?  The call of nature?  To cut me off?  TO CUT ME OFF!  I
 wheleed around; noone there.  However, I felt more trapped than ever.  A
 few minutes later (I felt unsafe moving until Liz was dead) he did appear
 behind me - fortunately i could wedge the door closed with my foot.
 However, I was now trapped between two doors.  The only alternative was
 the lift.  getting to the lift would have involved letting one or other
 of them in.
 Unfortunately, while making my desperate plans, Liz opened the far door.
 She put her hand around, and fired at me...
 She should be put on the wanted list.  There were witnesses walking
 passed.  I dont know if they saw me get shot, but they definitely
 witnessed the attack.
 Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995
 From: "T.H. Moore" 
 Dave I am dead
 I am dead Dave
 Dead I am Dave
 At 18.00 on 9/2/95 I was plugged by a bloke who burst into my room whilst
 I was sorting out my laundry. How ignominious, being found shot dead,
 face down in my Y-Fronts. Sigh. Anyway, sorry about the sad joke, you'll
 probably be very sick of it. Due to the trauma of my death I am now a
 pacifist and will not really want to join the Filth/Bill/Police.
 Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995
 From: "A.J. Bolt" 
 Mr Menage has made two classical errors, resulting in a fatal and terminal
 lost of life, namely: being traceable while logged in, and using a lift
 (to be specific, emerging from the CL tower lift on the same floor as
 his assassin).
 Chris Brown had just walked into the tower from the podium entrance, and
 Paul saw him heading towards the stairs and turned to fire - not noticing
 me just outside the door with a loaded sub-machine gun. The burst he
 fired just as he died dropped short of its intended target, which would
 no doubt have upset him.
 Date: Fri, 10 Feb 95
 From: Paul Bolchover
 You may be interested in hearing that el201@hermes is going round offering to
 tell people who their assassin is, in return for you telling him your victim.
 This is (as it should be) within the rules, but it is the first time that I
 have heard of anyone trying it.
 Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995
 From: "T.H. Coates" 
 Dear David,
 I'm dead.  Mortis portalis tackularum.  Stabbed brutally in the chest by
 Paul Menage (my target) as I peacefully queued in Burger King.
 If I may be permitted a small diversion:
    Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn
 Any chance I could join the police?
 Yours bleeding messily from several vital organs
 Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995
 From: Nigel James Harris
 On leaving my room, I look out for the accomplice in the shower. He stays
 in the shower. I hear sounds in the kitchen. Is this my assassin? I
 consider how sad I'll look pointing a water pistol at one of my
 neighbours. I round the corner pistol raised. It's my assassin. Instantly
 I compare weapon sizes. Mine a regular water pistol, his a fuckin'
 massive shotgun. I haven't had my Weetabix. I send in a brief backwards
 shot as I perform a sprint start that Ben Johnson could only match by
 dining on steroids. In one picosecond I'm out of weapons range. In one
 nanosecond I'm out of the building, making good my ESCAPE.
 For so it was. Damage report turned up no water hits on either my coat or
 my head. You may relate to my assassin, my subsequent purchase of the
 water equivalent of an Oozie automatic, with which I intend to slice him
 in two, starting with his well-remenbered face. I await your verdict and
 the identity of my next target.
 Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995
 From: The One and Only Darien 
 Today at around 4pm, I espied the wanted criminal Andrew Q Somers
 crossing from Trinity Great Gate over to Whewell's Court and entering
 Whewells' mail room. I followed him in unnoticed.
 I wish to apologise to any members of Trinity College resident in Blue
 Boar Court, Whewell's Court or Wolfson Building for any stains or
 fragments of Somers' brain that I might have inadvertently left in their
 pigeonholes after I blew his brains out...
 From: Dave Holland
 Date: Sat, 11 Feb 1995
 Hot news...
 8pm today, Jim Cameron banged on my door. I let him in and as he came
 through the door I stabbed him in the stomach with a cardboard knife. As
 a law-abiding citizen it was the only thing I could do... His last words,
 as his entrails spilled on the floor, were "That's not fair!"
 Date: Sun, 12 Feb 1995
 From: Nigel James Harris
 My incompetent assassin knocked heavily on my door and turned my door
 handle, after twelve o'clock last night. On the previous night he
 covered my door handle in a seminal-like substance, that one of my
 friends touched on his entry to my room. Has he killed with contact
 poison an innocent victim here? Surely the persona one should adopt in
 this game is that of a cold-blooded contract killer, not some
 sex-pervert psychopath? In any case can't he try to kill me at a more
 sociable hour? They were never like this in my day - it was honour
 among murderers back then. In addition, and I hesitate to mention this
 because his incompetence makes it hardly seem to warrant the word
 "attempt", he tried to shoot me this morning - an attack quickly
 repulsed by the use of a grenade, which unfortunately just missed. His
 face is now very nicely photographed, and you may inform him of his
 imminent demise (be afraid - be very afraid, or something like that).
 Date: Sun, 12 Feb 1995
 From: Colin Ross
 > Apparently the handle still had _your_ poison on it, which killed an innocent
 > victim last night. You will shortly go on the wanted list if this is correct.
 Oh. Time to run for cover then...
 Date: Tue, 14 Feb 95
 From: Elizabeth Pringle
 I have just spent two hours giving single red tulips (poisoned of course) to
 the following: Ian Bache, Chris Brown (I hope, if I have remembered his
 initials correctly), Jeremy Longley (I hope I have guessed correctly that he is
 playing) and also PCs Wood, Waugh and Timms. Bache's is stuck through his
 letter box, the others are in their pidges.
 Oh and I ran into Geoff Tolley ralking to a random man called James, and shot
 him on the offchance. He was another innocent. Damn. I'm getting jumpier and
 jumpier. It's surtviving so long on the wanted list that does it.
 Date: Tue, 14 Feb 1995
 From: "M.S. Anderson" <>
 The story so far:
 The heroic Mike Anderson (self-styled Next of the Musician-Assassins)
 has made his way back to his room after checking his pigeon-hole. There
 had been a suspiciously large number of letters purporting to be valentines
 in his pigeon-hole. He had been unable to trace the origin of the strange
 doubt that had made him think that one of these letters was a fake.
 The story continues:
 Mike sat checking the letters. Several had hand-writing that he
 recognised or post-marks that gave their sender away. None were coated
 with contact poison. There was one however ... he examined it, and as he
 did so, listened closely - yes, it did rattle, a curious property for a
 love letter. He turned it over: "s.w.a.k.". Did he have to contribute
 actively to his own destruction? Tying his gas-mask over his mouth he
 wondered whether there was actually any point in opening the letter,
 after all, the sender was unlikely to have given themselves away inside.
 "I hope you weren't wearing a gas-mask", read the note. Mike wondered
 exactly how hard he would have had to sniff at the letter to smell the
 pepper in any case. He smiled: good news, he probably didn't have to
 expect any particularly cunning attacks from this assailant.
 Date: Tue, 14 Feb 1995
 From: "A.J. Bolt" 
 I've just received a lovely valentines card from a dear friend, Mr A.
 Sassin. Being slightly suspicious at first, I opened it carefully with
 a piece of wire, but once I realised who it was from, I removed the
 little electronic circuit and had a chance to relax to the strains of
 'I just called to say I love you'.
 Date: Wed, 15 Feb 95
 From: Elizabeth Pringle
 I see Mr Waugh doesn't know the difference between roses and tulips. I wonder
 if any of the other flowers killed any good innocents?
 Best wishes,
 Resident psychopath.
 From: Dave Holland
 Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995
 I got a musical valentines card from "A.Sasin" which blew my head off :(
 Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995
 From: Maddog Sally
 On St. Valentine's Day, a red rose, individually wrapped Last Rolo (TM),and
 personalised love poem were left an assassin posed as a Christ's Lurve Meister
 with the Porters of Robinson College for a Mr Joe Pearce,as he had escaped the
 assassins wrath by not being in his room when the assassin arrived.  The
 rose was perfectly safe, as was the poem, but the Rolo had been very cunningly
 poisoned.  A hole had been cut through the base, the toffee scooped out, and
 Mustard put inside in its place.  The base was replaced, and chocolate
 scrapings were used to fill the gaps.  These were then heat treated to seal the
 base, and to smooth it out, so that it appeared completely untouched.
 The ruse was compoletely fool proof, and if Mr Pearce claims that he
 survived, then he must be lying through his teeth, but I leave that up to
 the Umpire to decide.  However, I asked independant witnesses to examine
 th Rolo before wrapping, and they said it looked like a normal rolo, and
 you could not smell the mustard either, so if he escaped then he is very
 lucky/a cynic/a Jehova's Witness.  Not that I'm annoyed with him for not
 dying, or anything...
 Date: Sun, 19 Feb 1995
 From: Destroyer of Worlds/ Fluffy Bunny/ Eater of Souls 
 Yes, I did receive something.
 The flower was definitely not poisoned, but the "last rolo" may have
 been-----I didn't eat it because it looked a bit gross.
 Date: Sun, 19 Feb 95
 From: Aldabra Stoddart
 I have comprehensively dealt with the inmate of Keyneside calling himself
 Jonathan Kelt; unfortunately, I had to do this in the presence of a
 witness (female), when it became apparent that my alibi (doing a survey
 of student knowledge of local government for the Lib Dems) wasn't going
 to entice him away.  I think she may have been splashed slightly, but
 not seriously injured.  I apologised to her and departed in a random
 direction, and she has no way of naming me; she had never seen me before,
 I believe.  My weapon was a small pistol, and I maust have shot him
 half a dozen times.  I think a lampshade may have been damaged as he
 Date: Mon, 20 Feb 95
 From: Aldabra Stoddart
 Have left some contract poison (didn't seem worth correcting the typo)
 for this chappie.
 Date: Tue, 21 Feb 95
 From: Aldabra Stoddart
 Silly beggar doesn't lock his door, does he?  So I turn up at 07:30 with
 a beautiful elegant _effortful_ bomb, and his door springs open while I'm
 wiring it up.  Lots of flailing naked just-woken-up male flesh, that's
 what I like.  (Er, SWITCH NOQUOTE.)
 Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995
 From: David Damerell
 Today Rob Wilcox, Tim Waugh and myself attempted to apprehend the
 dangerous criminal Liz Pringle. We were fortunate enough, while scouting
 the NMS, to spot her engaged in her nefarious activities in her office.
 We immediately proceeded up to Cockroft 3 and down the stairs by the
 lift, so as to arrive from an unexpected direction. We next sighted her
 above us near her office: we attempted to give pursuit but owing to the
 large amount of cover present she escaped, presumably into Corn Exchange
 Street. We then attempted to make an arrest at her residence, but could
 not gain entry. We shall endeavour to bring this dangerous criminal to
 justice by blasti^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H as soon as possible.
 Date: Thu, 23 Feb 95
 From: Elizabeth Pringle
 Passing Queens' on my way to work, I decided that I felt like satisfying my
 blood lust, so I went to see PC Branscombe. PC Branscombe had left his door open
 while he went for a shower. When he returned he saw me sitting on his bed.
 It was the last thing he evr saw.
 He died from multiple gunshot wounds at 11.30 am or thereabouts.
 Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995
 From: "Digby, emperor penguin" 
 On leaving my room today, my fingers got covered in what at first
 appeared to be Marmite, but as I fell over dead a few minutes later, I
 can only assume it was some lethal poison.
 Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995
 From: "A.J. Bolt" 
 PC Tim Waugh was pursuing his duties with respect to Elizabeth,
 with the help of PC Wilcox, trying to coax her out of the Mond room.
 I had been observing the enquiries from one of the terminals, and
 decided to wander around outside for a while, just in case, you
 know. After successfully disarming her, the policepersons decided
 they were going to be unable to apprehend her, and allowed her to
 leave the mond room. She dashed out, thinking herself free, and ran
 straight into a line of fire from my trusty rifle.
 That was fun...
 Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995

 From: Phoenix 
 As you are no doubt aware, Liz Pringle has now been shot dead by PC
 Andrew Bolt (or at least I think that's his name).
 This is the brief report fo the incident my PC Tim Waugh and myself.
 Liz came into the Mond Room at about 12.15pm to speak with me, as she had
 done on two previous occasions - this time however PC Tim Waugh was also
 present, so we were able to worry Liz into not leaving (she was worried we
 might actually keep her there until 5.30pm, she only had a super soaker).
 We detained and taunted said criminal for a while (about half an hour)
 unitl I was able to procure the ammo canister from her rifle.
 We then proceeded to let Liz go, with the intention of chasing her after
 a suitable head start - and then we heard that PC Andrew Bolt, who had
 left the Mond Room whilst we waited with her, shoot her - he had gone
 outside to wait for the next person to come out, reputedly he was
 overheard to mutter 'I would have killed whichever of them had come out
 first' over the corpse.
 Date: Sun, 26 Feb 95
 From: Aldabra Stoddart
 [Jon Knight] shot 5:20pm yesterday as he approached Sainsbury's/.
 I think I should
 come off the wanted list again for this act of public service to
 Date: Mon, 27 Feb 95
 From: Elizabeth Pringle
 All the time I was alive my bicycle was in the market square. I thought to
 myself, 'If I try to get it, someone will shoot me while I am struggling with
 it and can't shoot back..'
 Today I went and got my bike. And as I was unlocking it Aldabra shot me dead.
 To: bjh21@hermes
 As you know, a number of deaths last night have changed the situation.
 Some restructuring of the Organisation is required. Please restructure
 Chris Tomkinson.
 David Damerell has been careless, and the inevitable consequence of
 carelessness means that you have a new target, Russell Hughes.
 To: pbm1001@cam
 Clare Izard is Undead. Stock up on garlic water, and stake her out.
 To: Clive 
 > ps. It's a real pain having a target who lives 2-3 miles outside the
 > centre of town, especially if oyu don't have a bike. It took me 40
 > minutes to walk there, and he wasn't even in!
 You're lucky it wasn't Girton. I walked there once through the snow to kill
 someone. They reasoned that only a loony would walk all the way there in the
 snow to kill them. They were right. 8-)))
 To: Aldabra Stoddart
 > Have left some contract poison (didn't seem worth correcting the typo)
 > for this chappie.
 It worked. Unfortunately it worked on his friend who reached the door
 ahead of him, so you are now on the wanted list. Good luck with the Police.
 Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995
 To: Eric Ling
 > Hello. I sent a poisoned letter to Paul Bolchover.
 Unfortunately, it was picked up by a friend, and there was poison on the
 outside, so you're going on the Wanted List.
 Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995
 From: Ni 
 At around 8.40 pm Chris Tomkinson died today.
 His brains splattered over queens' bar pool table.
 I (dressed all in BLACK) and my accomplice, who shall remain nameless,
 strolled into queens college with the intent to kill. 'Cos we're
 dangerous psychopaths, Oh yes we are.
 First we tried his room....he was out, so we smeared a dangerous contact
 poison over his door handle and on the door of his kitchen cupboard ----
 we were not seen applying the substance at any point.
 Acting on information received we then proceeded to queens' bar. My
 accomplice scouted the bar and pinpointed a potential chris, on
 rejoining me outside the bar, my accomplice passed on the information at
 which point, I entered the bar, confirmed the target, drew my gun and blew
 his brains out.
 I confirmed with him and the several witnesses present, that he was dead.
 The End Of CRIS TOMKINSON...Ha Ha Ha......
 Date: Wed, 01 Mar 95
 From: Nigel James Harris
 Miss Moneypenny can close Matthew "Moose" Hartley's file.
 The door creaked open. Moose glanced furtively round outside, then shut the
 door, before proceeding down the steps. Someone in the basement caused the
 clunk of a can machine. One shake and sip of the canned dry Martini, then R
 staircase developed a standing wave as low calibre bullets sped from an Oozie
 automatic, tracing a helix on the wall of the staircase, and leaving a barely
 recognisable pulp where the said locus had intersected Moose's upward flight. A
 calling card was later found swimming among the unfortunate's constituents. It
 proposed that immediate acceptance of the duel offered would have been the more
 pleasant strategy.
 Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995
 Following your successful, and possibly over-enthusiastic termination of
 Matthew Hartley, please remove Sally Martin, C28 Fitz.
 Remember, bullets cost money... 8-)
 Date: Sat, 4 Mar 1995
 From: "J.D. Pearce" 
 Subject: Oooops..many (3) innocent bystanders violently slaughtered by wittle
 old me.
 In case you haven't already guessed I just killed 3 innocent people
 (non-players) in a (somewhat fucked-up) attempt to kill Chris Brown.
 At about 4.30pm I entered the shared living room of the aforementioned
 Mr.Brown and proceeded to blow the brains out of everyone in there.
 Unfortunately Mr. B was _not_ in (...Bugger). There were no witnesses and
 no screams.
 Somewhat upset in finding that Chris was not among the many slain, I
 proceeded to coat the doorhandle of his bedroom with a highly toxic
 contact poison. Hope he dies horribly and soon.
 Date: Sat, 4 Mar 1995
 From: Chris Brown
 Came back to my room, very nasty - corpses everywhere, contact poison on
 the door handle (duly wiped off with a damp cloth). This sort of thing
 could be a potential death trap. As such, I have now installed a nice little
 booby-trap that will, when a string is pulled in the main room, viciously
 murder everyone stood in the hallway by the cunning positioning of a
 maximum range bomb in my bedroom (which will be heard outside, and can
 blast far enough through the hall to get anyone near either door.) I have
 it on good authority that my old friend, Eric was along for the ride
 too.. Be a shame if they both come back and get blown up, won't it? :-)
 Date: Sun, 05 Mar 95
 From: Nigel James Harris
 There is a major inaccuracy in the news that you distributed at 18:20. Under
 orders from my superiors I have neutralised every one of the 13
 policemen except Rob Wilcox, whom I have invited to tea this afternoon
 (Sunday). You will be relieved to know that I was economical with bullets and
 such like this time, was minimally visible and disposed of all
 witnesses. Please update the police list appropriately.
 007 of MI6
 Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995
 From: Sid <>
 At approximately 8.30 to 8.45 pm (I forget which night it was - Thursday
 or Friday). I was entertaining a lady friend in my room. Disturbed by a
 knock on the door, and still slightly paranoid, I called out 'Who is
 it?' and got the reply 'Nigel'. I opened the door to find a meek and
 mild-mannered individual standing there. He pretended to be after some
 information on Aldabra Stott, and as I was wondering why he had come to
 me, he pulled out a knife and violently stabbed me in the chest.
 My lady friend was shocked by this brutal, uncalled for murder, and
 started screaming her head off as I lay dying in a pool of blood on the
 floor. My attacker made his escape into the night. My lady friend  was later
 taken to hospital suffering from shock and screaming about the blood.
 Being now a ghost, and privy to many secrets, I can tell you that my
 attacker and murderer was one Nigel Harris.
 Date: Tue, 07 Mar 95
 From: Paul Bolchover
 Well, I wasn't expecting it, but someone has put poison on my door handle and
 killed me (again). It occurred yesterday (monday) evening.
 Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 16:26:00 +0000 (GMT)
 From: Anarchy 
 > > Another contact-poison attempt by me today, on Paul Bolchover's door-
 > > unfortunately it seems that I wasn't the only one with this idea.
 > >
 > At least four people have tried to poison him so far in the last day or
 > two, and one of them (probably Eric) was successful.
 Ah, popular person then. :-)
 EMPP1 7 Mar 1995 17.04
 The muppet-likeness of the policeforce amazes me...
 EMPP1 7 Mar 1995 17.05
 Meaning the dead ones, not you.
 Date: Wed, 8 Mar 1995
 From: "Nigel \"James\" Harris"
 Andrew Somers had the good manners to evacuate his bowels for the
 dissection that followed. PC Somers lies headfirst in a toilet
 bowl. Current bodycount = 18.
 Sadly Aldabra doesn't seem to trust me - can't think why.
 Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995
 From: Eric Ling
 Hi. Someone just came round and tried my door and found it was locked. I
 talked to him and he squealed in horror, and shot a hole in my door. He
 retreated behind the door to our shared corridor with the tip of his gun
 pointing through the crack. I taunted him a full three minutres before he
 gave up and left. I did not get a very good look at him through my
 peephole, but it was evident to me that he was one of the most horrific
 looking specimens ever to carry a gun. I'm talking GROSS. He left a trail
 of slime which I followed outside, but the rain was already washing it away.
 Date: Fri, 10 Mar 1995
 From: Eric Ling
 Hello. Yesterday night in Robinson JCR I shot the following members of
 the public:
 Steve Haslam (who then produced a super soaker 100 and shot me)
 Mark Leonard (who then chucked my bullet out of the window, and I spent
 15 minutes looking for it)
 In the computer room I shot the thoroughly repugnant Arun Zachariah, who
 promptly picked up my bullet and sucked it. Needless to say, I did not
 retrieve it.
 I am disturbed by these events, and I think that necromancy should be
 disallowed from the killer rules, on pain of disqualification.
 Date: Fri, 17 Mar 1995
 From: Nigel James Harris
 Joe "Shadow" Pearce finally fell into the shadows tonight. Having
 camouflaged myself among the Bond-age crowd at Robinson College,
 and partaken of a few dry Martinis, I left behind the Bond girls
 and Miss Moneypennys, and crept stealthily to the slightly open
 window. A swift parting of the curtains was the last event Pearce
 saw before high velocity lead deactivated his criminal mind.
 Cantabrigiensans can sleep soundly in their beds tonight, in the
 secure knowledge that Miss Stoddart and I have retired the
 criminal community.
 I propose a gun duel between Aldabra and me by the Great Court
 Fountain, Trinity College at high noon. If she agrees, will you
 umpire it?

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