( News | Inquest )
Member V94NEWS
Friday 21st October 1994
Term is now well underway at the peaceful University of Cambridge. The tourists
have decided it is getting too cold for them and gone home, the freshers have
located all the pubs, and everyone sleeps soundly in their beds, knowing that
while outbreaks of violent murder are common at this point in the Lent and
Easter Terms, they have never occured in the Michaelmas Term.
So of course they won't, will they?
Saturday 22nd October
Life is disturbed by the sound of two umpires having quiet nervous breakdowns
and a number of drunks milling round the courts of various Colleges with about
as much sense of purpose as those pink beasts in DOOM which obligingly try to
eat chainsaws.
Sunday 23rd October
There are a lot of undergrads with hangovers in Cambridge this morning.
Monday 24th October
At 6pm this evening, Michael Kent was assassinated in a cold-blooded and
apparently motiveless crime as he stood innocently in the dinner queue in
Corpus Christi College. At first onlookers believed that he had merely fainted
from the heat of the kitchens, but as they bent to help him they saw the blood
on his chest. Witnesses state that his dying words were a cryptic 'Oh no, not
already'. Police are baffled as to the meaning of these words, but they have
released a statement saying that they wish to question a Paul Menage, who was
seen to approach Mr. Kent at the time of the crime but vanished in the
subsequent disturbance.
The spate of murders in Cambridge continues with the bloody killing of Mr.
Strahan Wilson of Trinity Hall. Neighbours of the deceased found him lying face
down in a pool of his own blood at around 10pm this evening. A sticky
substance, believed poisonous, was found on his door handle. It appears that
Mr. Wilson was killed by the poison, and then that his murderer, for unknown
reasons, then proceeded cruelly to mutilate his corpse. Police have not yet
ruled out a crime of passion, though no suspect has been announced.
Yet another brutal killing was reported tonight. At 7.45 the body of Mike
Anderson was found. Forensic scientists have suggested that he was first
[6~rendered unconscious by a blunt instrument and then his throat wsa slit. In the
opinion of the pathologists the latter was the cause of death.
At 8.18pm a shot wsa heard, and passersby discovered the body of Ed Collinge,
shot through the head with a single shot through an open window. The police are
reportd to have said 'This was a very stylish...er...brutal killing, and we are
anxious to see the killer brought to justice. Honestly.'
Top level psychologists are puzzled at the outbreak of violence. They are
reported to have said 'But Cantabridgians never kill each other in the
Michaelmas term.' They have suggested that the outbreak of violence is related
to the frustration of various Comp.Sci's who were unable to log on to CUS
because it had gone down three times in one day. A statement issued by the CS
during one of the brief periods when e-mail was working said that although the
crime rates were high they were by and large good enough.
Mr Phil Beadsworth of Clare College was the victim of serious menacing
this evening by several armed men. After intimidating the porter and
gaining entrance to a building one of them shot at Mr Beadsworth when
he opened his door to investigate. He returned fire, but neither
sustained any injury. Witnesses said that the men left a 'substance'
on Mr Beadsworth's door handle before they left.
The St. John's KGB categorically deny having anything to do with the
night's events.
Perhaps worried by reports of violence, Mr Robin Micheals decided to arm
himself with a small pistol for protection. However, police disapprove of his
attempt to prove that it worked by trying it out on Paul Bolchover. Police
would like to speak to Mr Michaels urgently. Preferably with a gun in their
hand.
Tuesday 25th
This morning Mr Beadsworth's bedder was found dead outside his room. Mr
Allsopp, a dangerous psychopath from St. John's is wanted for questioning,
concerning both the death of the bedder and the attempt on Mr Beadsworth.
It is believd that he may have witnessed the attack.
The spate of poisonings in Cambridge continued last night with the untimely
death of Miss J.C. Brophy of St. Catharine's College. The toxic substance on
her door handle has been examined and is believed to be the same as that which
killed Mr. Wilson earlier the same night. No motive has yet been suggested for
the crime.
Harry Whaley was ambushed by two men who shot him dead this morning as he
attempted to hide behind his door. His bedder, who witnessed this horrific
attack, was taken to hospital suffering from shock.
Shortly after midday today the notorious criminal Robin Michaels, wanted for
the murder of Mr. Paul Bolchover yesterday, was shot outside the Mond room by
the even more notorious criminal Paul Menage. Police have emphatically denied
that this was the result of a deal between Menage and the Chief of Police to
help in eliminating criminals in return for lenience towards his own crimes.
Reports are coming in that a certain Miss Shee or Shah of Newnham College also
died, but the senior umpire is confused, has lost the mail and keeps getting
conflicting reports of her name.
At 1.29 Kate Studd was brutally murdered when she went unarmed to her
pigeonhole as there disturbed someone attempting to plant a letter bomb. She
bravely attempted to flee, but was pursued and gunned down near the lift of
Bull Building.
Ben Harris died from chest wounds at approx
2.10 today. A lone assassin burst through the door of the unsuspecting
Mr. Harris' room and killed him with a single shot to the chest. Several
other shots followed, purely for fun.
Mr Mark Davey, a totaly non violent member of the community, went
to visit his friend Mr Tim Down. On leaving Mr Down's appartment at
1534hrs he noticed a malicious letter stuck to the door, warning that Mr
Down would be murdered shortly. He removed this and took it in to Mr Down
saying "Look what I've f...."
At this point he collapsed dead on the floor as the poison
smeared on the back of the note disolved through his skin. Attempts to
resusitate him proved useless.
Mr Down said "That poison must have been ment for me. I'll kill
the B@$T@#D that did it." Mr Down swears he is a pacifist and has no Idea
why anyone would want to kill him
The note was amaturishly hand-written which should prove of
interest to the police when they match it to other notes in previous
crimes. The poison has already been analysed and shown to be a very
sofisticated type only obtainable by members of the assasin's guild. Mr
Down disposed of the note & poison using some plastic gloves which he had
in his pocket.
Michael Nonweiler bravely opened his door to what he knew was an assasssin, but
his sword didn't save him and was found shattered beneath his dead body. His
assassin had brought a gun.
J. was the victim of a killer who wished to make assurance doubly
sure. Forensic scientists found that not only had she a hideous balck substance
on ther hands, but she had been shot in the head too. Not very stylish, but
very deadly.
Today at 5:15 saw the tragic death of Craig Dean, much respected member
of King's College. Witnesses saw two men approach the door at Garden
Hostel and shoot the deceased in the upper right thorax with deadly
consequence. Matthew Hargreaves, who witnessed the event (although did
not see the actual shootings) is said to be distressed, but adds,
"Although I see him dead before me I feel his presence and do not doubt
that he wil remain with me always". Giffith John, a business associate,
who found the deceased is reported to have been upset, but not that much.
Police are said to be suspicious of Mr. Dean's past history and are
suspecting that it may have had something to do with his assassination.
Wanted criminal Dave Allsopp has died at the hands of two public-spirited
members of the public.
After a knock on his door, he was spotted trying to outflank the two assassins
waiting for him by escaping through a window, and coming through the door
behind. However, the door was shut in his face, and in the momentary standoff,
one of them was able to throw a grenade from the window above, which struck his
shoulder and blew off his head. An ambulance was called, but the medics
pronounced him dead.
This follows an incident in St John's computer room, in which Allsopp sustained
gunshot wounds and Menage was injured by two ninja throwing stars, but both men
got away.
Staff at St. Catharine's college this morning began to be concerned when one
of their bedders failed to report in after her morning rounds. By the cunning
expedient of examining the bins in all the rooms, they discovered that the
last room she visited had been that of Mr. John Yeldham, and a search of the
room uncovered the body of the bedder shoved hastily in the wardrobe. Further
examination revealed that she had been poisoned. The Chief of Police issued
the following statement: "Mr. Yeldham is known to us to suffer from paranoid
delusions that somebody somewhere is trying to kill him. We suspect that,
fearing an attack, he poisoned his own door-handle in an attempt to outwit his
attacker. Excercise great caution in approaching. Though if he'd like to come
round and murder my bedder, he... oh shit, are we still on the record?" Police
would like to question Mr. Yeldham about the incident, or failing that, just
to shoot him in the head.
Also at St. Catherine's, police were called after several people who had gone
to check their pigeon-holes failed to emerge. Investigation revealed that a
device left in the pigeon-hole of Mr. Ben Laughton had leaked a deadly gas into
the room, killing a porter and several students. A gas-mask was found near the
body of Mr. Laughton himself, suggesting that he had in fact smelt the gas,
but was overcome before he managed to put on the mask. The gas was quickly
dealt with, and the forensic team was sent in. Unfortunately, the police's
regular forensic expert is on holiday, but Colin, the YTS trainee, was on hand.
Apparently, dust was found at the scene of a type only normally found in
Trinity Hall, although he may have been making that up to impress us, I'm sure
there was something like that in Sherlock Holmes.
News has just come in that another of the bodies found at St. Catherines after
the poison gas attack earlier has been identified. The deceased is a Mr. John
Yeldham, believed to be the same Yeldham who was wanted in connection with the
death of a bedder this morning. Police have also released the name of someone
whom they wish to question about the incident; she is Clare Izard of Trinity
Hall. She is known to be dangerous, and believed to have accomplices.
The body of Mr Rhode was found in his staircase last night. At 7.15 a man was
seen in his staircase pretending to be lost. When Mr Rhode went to help him a
shot was fired. Several shots in fact. Mr Rhode was, not surprisingly, dead.
Tim Waugh caused bloodshed last night by misposting a poison letter, booby
trapping his door with a large bomb which went off (victims unknown) and
shooting his girlfriend for making fun of him. Mr Waugh is armed and dangerous
ans should be approache a s soon as possible by all public spirited people who
don't mind a bit of danger.
At 6pm a witness reported seeing Mr Hartley of Jesus College shot in the back
as he crossed first court Jesus. He is dead too.
The body of Philip Fairweather has been found; it is believed that he was the
last victim of the dreaded criminal Allsopp before the latter's demise.
A friend of Dave Hollinger died when he opened a letter bomb addressed to Mr
Hollinger in spite of Hollinger's attempts to stop him, at 10.45pm. It is
believed to have been sent by Tim Down, who is wanted by the police to assist
with enquiries.
Andy Mortimer was interrupted while reading by someone stabbing him to death.
You can't do anything safely in Cambridge these days.
Two friends of the deceased witnessed the murder, but were too shocked
(as usual) to apprehend the killer. They did however manage to furnish an
adequate enough description to suggest that the perpetrator of the deed may be
one Julia Gog, of Trinity College. She is known to have had an accomplice, but
his identity has not yet been established. Police are anxious to question Miss
Gog, but have denied that they will be dispatching armed officers to apprehend
her.
The notorious criminal Clare Izard met her match at the hands of the
valiant Austin Donnelly. Her fatal mistake was in greeting Mr. Donnelly instead
of shooting him. Mr. Donnelly, seeing such a well-known psychopath grinning at
him from close range, instinctively reached for his gun and shot her. Police
have commended Mr. Donnelly on his courageous action.
Staff and students at Wolfson College were shocked by the murder of Mr. Robert
Shaul at about 9pm. An unknown assassin entered the college
and persuaded Mr. Shaul to come to his door, at which point he sprayed a
poisonous gas in the face of his victim, who was quickly overcome. He then
escaped before he could be apprehended. Later investigations indicate that Mr.
Shaul's neighbour, M. Francois Gaudin, fearing an attack on his person,
induced Mr. Shaul to swap the numbers on their respective doors. It is
therefore probable that the assassin intended to kill M. Gaudin but did not
know what he looked like, and was fooled by the wrong door numbers. The police
would like to make it clear that they in no way condone M. Gaudin's actions,
that he should have contacted them if he believed himself in danger, and that
they hold him responsible for Mr. Shaul's death. Any assistance in bringing
M. Gaudin in for questioning will be appreciated.
Paul Menage claimed another victim this evening. He was seen to enter the
unlocked room of Mr. Dan Williamson and gun him down at point blank range. He
managed to escape from the witnesses, who were too stunned at this senseless
display of violence to stop him.
Wednesday 26th October
Thos morning the peace was shattered (for the first time today) by the sound of
a loud explosion at 7.30, which killed Colin Ross, also demolishing his door
and part of the corridor. It does not appear that anyone else was injured in
the explosion, for which the killer should be suitably grateful.
Last night at around 11.00 Mr Owen Evans was brutally stabbed outside his
room. Mr Evans had ventured out for some milk and was dicussing a
forthcoming game of Mao with a friend. Unbeknown to him, his assailant
stealthily approached him and repeatedly stabbed the gentleman in a
brutal and umprovoked manner. In his dying gasp Mr Evans exclaimed
"Is this for real ?".
Shortly before midday compscis, nascis and other sad frequenters of the new
museums Site were horrified to witness the callous shooting of Alex barnard
outside the Cockroft Leture theatre.
During yesterday afternoon, an extremely unpleasant and corrosive contact
poison was smeared onto the door handle of R.S Young, Rm. DD34, Queens
College. At about 2pm this afternoon his killer returned to the room in
order to make sure that Mr Young was dead, and administered several heavy
blows with a cudgel just to make sure........
At 11pm last night, the murderer Paul Menage was killed. His assassin
apparently walked in through the open door and shot him several times
in the chest, killing him instantly. A description furnished by the only
witness to the crime fits that of Chris Timms of Pembroke college; it is
believed that Timms was attempting to avenge the death of his friend Dan
Williamson, killed by Menage earlier that day. Police would like to
question Mr. Timms about the incident, but the Chief of Police earlier
was heard to suggest that they may be lenient towards him in view of the
extenuating circumstances.
Early this morning the body of Mr. Jonnie Cohen was found in a chair in his
room in Sidney Sussex College. He had apparently been shot twice in the head
while talking on the telephone. The identity of the murderer is at present
unknown, though the porter remembers showing a photograph of Mr. Cohen to a
strange man in the lodge earlier.
Residents of St John's Street are today reeling from a quite horrific
event. At 3:55 pm, Chris Brooks was gunned down from behind as he was
heading towards the Round Church from St John's College. The assassin
made a clean getaway.
Inspectors at the scene are puzzling of the motive for such a brutal
killing. One theory is that the gunman was a wanted criminal, intent on
causing havoc until he is finally stopped. This is backed up by an
eyewitness who said the killer beared an uncanny resemblance to a person
called Adam of St John's College, but he was unable to come up with a
surname. Further details remain sketchy.
At 3.30pm Edmund Jones returned home to find that a letter bomb had been
slipped under his door. When he opened it, he died.
At 7.45 Dave Holland was cycling down Sydney Street when a man stepped from the
pavement and shot him dead. Fortunately ohter cyclists were able to swerve to
avoid his blleding body, and so traffic accidents did not occur.
Wanted criminal Tim Waugh was engaged in a conversation with what is believed
to be a fellow assassin and murderer, when the latter suddenly and unexpectedly
shot him. The reason is unknown; perhaps the assassin wanted to gain the favour
of the police, or perhaps he merely enjoyed killing people.
Martin Crookes set an ambush outside Queens' bar into which he expected to be
able to lure his assassin by leaving a prominent note in his pigeonhole about a
meeting there, purportedly from a friend. Despite the presence of accomplices,
when the trap was sprung it was Crookes who bit the dust, the intended victim
making a rapid getaway.
Two friends of Catriona McLean died as a result of a lethal contact poison on
her door knob. Miss McLean had told them to make themselves at home while she
did a spot of murdering and returned to find them dead on the floor. Soon
afterwards a pair of gunmen burst into the room and shot their dead bodiese
repeatedly, and also the body of Alex Barnard, recently deceased.
They failed to shoot Miss McLean, who cunningly hid from view under a sleepin
bag.
Thursday 27th October
Owen Evans fell victim to an assassin with a knife and
no fewer than 10 accomplices. This is a remarkable number even considering
recent events in Cambridge. Indeed sources close to the umpire have been heard
to use the word 'excessive'.
Jamie Wood fell victim to an assassin who entered his room and filled it with
poison gas. He will be sorely missed.
At 8.10 this morning, as the Newnham Boat Club left their boat house (actually,
it's Jesus's boat house, isn't it?) one of their number, Angela Freeman, was
suddenly felled by a single shot between the shoulder blades from a sniper. It
is expected that this event will have serious effect on Newnham's performance
in the bumps next term.
An explosion in his cupboard surprised the ghost of Tim Waugh this morning
after he returned from a night spent away from his room.
A shot was heard in Trinity yesterday afternoon, and people rushed to
investigate. But they found only the lifeless corpse of Mr. Mark Hayward,
dropped with a single shot to the heart. Police investigators described the
killing as 'very professional'. Rumours that a woman was seen leaving the scene
of the crime remain unconfirmed, and her identity, if she exists, has not been
established.
Cambridge was in a state of shock this evening as outstanding citizen,
Mr. Austin Donnelly, well known for apprehending the notorious Clare Izard,
was shot several times in the head by notorious gangster, Chris 'Luigi'
Brown at approximatley 11.20 this evening outside Corpus. Brown, who also
shot several of Mr. Donnely's companions, was heard to say "You messa
with da familly, da familly messa with you" before making his escape in
the direction of Pembroke college.
Churchill college was rocked this morning by the grisly discovery by a bedder
of the corpse of Mr. Will Ramsay, who had been shot in the head by an unknown
assailant. Experts put the time of death at around 1am.
Mr. Griff John was shot in the head last night as he sat innocently watching
television in Garden Hostel, King's. The identity of the killer is at present
unknown.
At 12.30pm today, Sally Riordan of Trinity was leaving her room intending to
have some lunch, when what her companion describes as a 'maniac with a sword'
leapt from the shadows and clove her neck with one stroke of his great katana.
Police are baffled as to the motive for the killing, as Miss Riordan is not
known to have any underworld connections. It is rumoured that police have
questioned a Mr. Jeremy Longley, of Selwyn college, but have released him after
finding insufficient evidence to charge him with the murder.
2.25pm: News has just come in of a grisly discovery in Emmanuel college. Emil
Bernal was found dead in his room, killed by several shots to the head. No
information has yet come to light with regards to the identity of the killer.
Tim Down has been disqualified.
It would appear that at about 1700 hours on Thursday 27th October an assassi
entered the "surgery" of self-styled "(Spin) Dr" V.K. Agrawal of Trinity Hall,
and shot him in the chest at point-blank range. He then shot him again in the
same place for fun. But then, there would not have been much point in dragging
the lifeless body into the corridor or elsewhere. Police are appealing for
witnesses, and it is believed that the murderer may have had an accomplice.
The peace of Cripps Court, Queens' was shattered this afternoon as Adam
Branscomb was murdered outside his own room. According to the only witness,
a friend of Mr. Branscomb, they had just returned from a practical at 5.10pm
when an assassin emerged from an undiscovered hiding place and shot Mr.
Branscomb four times in the back of the head as he was opening his door. A
description furnished by the witness fits that of one Clive Ponsonby, of
Trinity college, but the police have as yet made no comment on the killing.
News has just come in of a murderous attack made in Clare Colony on Mr. Dave
Powell, a pillar of the college community and well-loved by publicans
everywhere. After a nerve gas attack on Castle House, against which Mr. Powell
successfully defended himself with the aid of a gas mask, he was shot at by
two men and wounded on the left arm. He managed to return fire, however, and
seriously wounded one of the men, identified as one Jon Skeet, of Trinity
college. Skeet later turned up at Addenbrookes casualty department in the
company of Andrew Somers, also of Trinity, who on being told that Skeet's
wounds would undoubtably prove fatal 'mercifully' stabbed him to death to
hasten the end. Police would like to question Mr. Somers, as it seems likely
that he was the other man involved in the shooting.
This the body of Mr Robin Cragg was funf this morning huddled outside his door
with hs throat cut. It is believed that his assassin lured him out of his room
by saying that he was wante on the telephone in an ajacent staircase.
Rich Smart expressed a wish during a conversation that Beadsworth would
lend him a gun, and he'd show him what he'd like to do with it. Mr Beadworth
gave him a gun and then shot him for going armed in public.
Ben Coupe has also fallen victim to a gunman. Another one bites the dust.
Jon Skeet has shown the police a letter which claims that 'you are dead by now'
, but niether he nor anyone else is aware of any reason why he should have been
dead by the time he got it, and he looked very alive when he reportrd the crime
to officers.
An assassination attempt was foiled in Clare college last night, but the
incident ended in tragedy. Seeing two suspicious-looking strangers loitering
outside a friend's door, Mr. Tom Payne and two colleagues approached. A brief
conversation ensued, at the end of which one of the men, identified as one
Eric Ling of Robinson college, pulled out a knife and for no apparent reason
stabbed Mr. Adrian Garside, a friend of Mr. Payne, and also from Clare. Seeing
his companion brutally murdered in front of his eyes, Mr. Payne nevertheless
had the presence of mind to pull out his gun and shoot Ling dead. Police have
commended Mr. Payne on his bravery, and also on the restraint he showed in not
shooting Ling's accomplice, who has not been named.
Yesterday afternoon, passersby in Jesus Lane were shocked to witness a grisly
shootout. A visitor to No. 7 suddenly pulled out an automatic weapon as the
door was opened. Seeing this, the man at the door grabbed his own pistol, and
the two opened fire simultaneously. Both men were killed. The two have been
identified as Mr. David Damerell, of Trinity college, and Mr. Nathan Bavidge,
of Jesus college. Police have not ruled out an underworld connection.
The wanted criminal Chris Brown was shot dead in Trinity Hall Old Court last
night. An unknown attacker shot him once in the back of the head as he was
crossing the court. Police are said to be investigating this outbreak of
vigilantism, but a source close to the Chief of Police was heard to add
'... but not too closely'.
Emmanuel College was shocked today by the tragic news that Katy Maclean, a
well-known and well-loved member of the college, has taken her own life, on
King's Parade at lunchtime today, with the aid of a large explosive device,
killing five tourists and injuring several others. An investigation of Miss
Maclean's room found the following note:
"GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD
"I really don't want to do this to all of you - you are all beautiful
people and in the short time that i have known you all I feel that we
have all become quite remarkably close. It is nothing about you that
drives me to do this thing - it is something to do with me . You see over
the last few months I have increasingly realised that my life is utterly
meaningless - in fact what I am living out is just a hollow and empty
sham. There seems to be no place for me in this cruel world and I feel
that the best thing that I can do for everyone concerned is just to end
it all. Do not feel guilty or regretful over this - it is simply my
destiny that I go to.It is a far far better thing that I do now than I
have ever done. Particularly as I intend to take a large number of
tourists with me. Thank me for this in hell.
"love to you all you wonderful people
"katy maclean
"LORD INTO THY HANDS I COMMIT MY SPIRIT
This afternoon in Trinity college, Lisa Wright was killed. Bystanders
heard a shot, and rushing to the scene found the corpse of Miss Wright,
who had been felled from close range with a single shot to the head. A
'shadowy figure' is said to have been seen leaving the scene, but no
identity has been established. From the gun found in Miss Wright's hand,
it appears likely that the act was one of self-defence, although possibly
pre-emptive.
Saturday 29th October
Residents of Cripps court, John's, were shocked today by the discovery of
the body of David Richards, and the subsequent discovery of his head. It
would appear that he had been brutally murdered in his sleep, although
there were signs of a slight struggle. Police refuse to be questioned as
to whether might be linked to a similar beheading yesterday.
This morning a bomb of a kind known to be used by feared criminal Tim Clapp ws
found outside the door of PC Allsopp. Fortunately Mr Clapp had forgotten to
prime it, so no damage ws done.
At lunchtime criminal Timm Clapp attemted to murder Seargent Allsopp. Allsopp's
vigilence enabled him to spot Clapp following him from the buttery where he had
had lunch to a spot more suited for murder, and he lay in wait round a corner
to ambush Clapp. In the rsulting struggle Mr Clapp's head was blown off by
machine gun fire. The Chief of Police commends Allsopp and wishes he could
remeber th name of the rank above Seargent so he can promote him.
The body of Patrick Henry was found outside his room this afternoon. Forensic
reports suggest that he died at about 1.30pm, and that he was shot in the back.
Police conclude that some unknown sasassin was luing in wiat for him as he
returned to his room.
In front of no less than four witnesses, the wanted criminal Dave Hotham
stabbed to death an innocent passerby, one Aaron Smith, just to try out
his new knife. This man clearly needs help, preferably in the form of a
quick death.
At 1.10pm today, Chuan-Tze Teo was brutally murdered in the middle of Trinity
Great Court in front of about a hundred tourists. Said tourists, being
tourists, were of course too useless to apprehend the killer after he pumped
ten rounds into the head of Mr. Teo, but did manage to furnish an accurate
enough description to identify the criminal as one Darien Graham-Smith, also
of Trinity. Armed police are rumoured to be being sent to bring Mr. Graham-
Smith to justice.
This afternoon, an explosion occurred at Trinity Hall, killing PC Chris Brown
and three friends. The St. John's KGB emphatically deny all connection with
the incident, but the police are said to be 'unconvinced'. The Chief of
Police is also said to be 'very annoyed'.
Dafydd Richards was killed in Market Square this afternoon; he pulled a gun
on a group of police, at which point DC Paul Menage swiftly stabbed him to
death with his police-issue knife. The Chief of Police commends DC Menage
for his bravery, and has elevated him to the rank of Detective Sergeant.
A large bomb exploded outside the room of Alex Li, killin ghim and doing
considerable structural damage.
Mark Adami died tragically. His body was found in his room, clutching a coin
coatd with a deadly contact poison. Police suspect that his assassin gained
access to his room and placed the coin there, and then cold-bloodedly waited
for him to mistake it for one of his own.
Mr. S. Cornwell and a companion were murdered yesterday afternoon when an
unknown attacker gained access to Mr. Cornwell's room and shot him and the
friend who opened the door. Burn marks on the carpet indicate that Mr. Cornwell
tried to defend himself with a vial of acid which was found in his hand, but
was killed before he could throw it at his assailant. A Miss Emily Read of
Clare college is rumoured to have been questioned by the police, but has since
been released.
This afternoon at around 2.10pm, the dangerous criminal Darien Graham-Smith
burst in to the room of WPC Lisa Wright and shot her dead at point-blank range.
The number of rounds found in the body indicate that Graham-Smith kept firing
long after WPC Wright was dead. He is clearly a dangerous psychopath and should
be approached only with extreme caution.
Sunday 30th 11.00 S P Modha of St John's (non-player) was found dead in
his room, along with a note citing the reason for his death as 'the
protection of D Allsopp' Sgt Allsopp was heard to swear vengeance for his
murder, as it was the deceases who had disarmed the bomb which would
otherwise have killed him on Saturday morning.
The dangerous criminal Darien Graham-Smith has claimed another victim. At
around 8.30pm , the murderer burst into Trinity computer room and
shot Julia Gog dead. The police wish to make it clear that any suspicion
they may have had that Miss Gog was involved in organised crime will not
serve to lessen their efforts to bring this criminal to justice.
10.40pm: Darien Graham-Smith has at last been brought to justice by
the valiant efforts of PC Chuan-Tze Teo. Graham-Smith attempted again to storm
Trinity computer room, but PC Teo was ready for him, and stabbed him before
he could fire. PC Teo has been elevated to the rank of Inspector, and will
take the place of the late Inspector Allsopp.
Monday 31st
Adam Kilgour, the infamous "John St. Ripper", is no longer walking the
streets of Cambridge. People of the town will sleep quieter with the
news that he is now not in a position to do any more harm.
It was at 6.25 pm this Evening that he was noticed in the John's
College Buttery by PC Chris Brooks. PC Brooks quickly obtained a gun and
lay in wait as the killer ate his dinner. It was 10 minutes later that
Kilgour emerged at which point he was gunned down from behind by PC Brooks.
There have been questions asked as to whether this course of action was
strictly necessary, and whether it would have been more appropriate just
to apprehend Kilgour and take him into custody, and rumours are spreading
of a "shoot to kill" policy by local bobbies. The Cambridge Police,
however, exonerated PC Brooks, saying that they wished that any member of
the public in a similar situation would have done the same.
10.15 Residents of St John's were shocked this morning at the sight of the
previously intrepid Sgt Allsopp running away from a wanted criminal. He
was eventually machine gunned to death on the steps of the college
chapel as he desperately attempted to find sanctuary. The chaplain was
said to be distraught as he attempted to determine which of the many
holes in David's head was the ear in an attempt to whisper the last rites.
The John's KGB deny any involvement in either case, but comment that
killing one of their number is a dangerous thing to do.
The body has just been found of Edward Oliver; it was located when neighbours
complained of a funny smell. Before being sick, the forensic team announced
that he has been dead since Thursday at least, apparently having died of
deadly nerve gas.. as far as anyone can tell.
Also the bodies of Dave Hollinger and a 'friend' of his have been found in
little pieces in the corridor outsid their...er..his.. room.
Tuesday 1st
The wanted criminal Hotham has also recieved his just reward. His body was
found today in the entrance to his room, shot through the head.
News has come in that the body identified as that of Skeet was in fact that as
Somers. The forensic department apologise for this, but they have been very
busy lately.
At 7pm the peace of Robinson College was shattered by the murder of
Matthew Astley. A shot was heard, and the corpse of Mr. Astley was found lying
in the doorway of his own room. He had been felled with a single shot to the
head. In his hand was a knife, with which he had apparently tried to defend
himself. A man was seen running away from the scene, but has not yet been
identified.
Wednesday 2nd
There is no news today. Please go out and kill people.
Thursday 3rd
The notorious criminal Francois Gaudin was brought to justice at 5.20pm on
Thursday 3rd October 1994 at Wolfson College, Cambridge by the valiant
efforts of Sgt. Ben Laughton and PC John Yeldham.
The two officers attempted to apprehend M. Gaudin in his room, but,
receiving no response, decided to survey the area. Seeing a person who
fitted the description, they proceeded to track his movements. When the
light in M. Gaudin's room went on, they again tried to gain entrance. M.
Gaudin did not cooperate in letting the officers into his room, but was
deceived when PC Yeldham walked noisily down the stairs, as he did not
know that a second officer of the law lay in waiting. M. Gaudin then
somehow extinguished the lights in the corridor before opening his door.
Heedless of the danger, the courageous Sgt. Laughton proceeded to lunge
through the open doorway with a cosh. A short scuffle ensued, after which
the door was forced closed and Sgt. Yeldham had to retreat.
In the meantime, PC Yeldham, waiting outside, saw M. Gaudin climbing out
of his window. The two officers decided to lay in wait for the criminal,
but after about a minute the criminal had not passed by, and PC Yeldham
went to investigate. Unfortunately, M. Gaudin was armed with a 'massive
gun'; PC Yeldham was obviously way out-armed, and had to take evasive
action. Sgt. Laughton, however, was still lurking in a doorway, and as the
criminal ran past, shooting at PC Yeldham, siezed the opportunity and
rendered the criminal unconscious with a blow to the head from his cosh.
He then proceeded to slit the criminal's throat with his knife.
Unfortunately, PC Yeldham had been felled by a shot. PC Yeldham is
currently critically ill in an intensive care unit, and it is not clear
whether he will survive or not...
Friday 4th
A man answering to the description of Ralph Anderson callously shot dead Daniel
Curtis at 5.45 this evening. 3 bullets were found in his head. A friend who was
with him at the time and who identified the killer was unfortunately too
shocked at the time of the killing to do anything but laugh.
The body has just been found in New Hall of Alice Byram, clutching a letter
coated with a substance believed highly toxic. Experts put the time of death
at some time last Monday; the poison had diminished in strength through
lying for some time in Miss Byram's pigeon-hole, and she was therefore able
to make it back to her room before collapsing through its effects.
The Chief of Police is pleased to announce that PC John Yeldham, who was
shot in the line of duty by Francois Gaudin, is recovering well, and he should
be back on duty soon.
Wednesday 8th
IMPORTANT NOTICE:
Because no kills have occurred for several days and there are still more than
50 players remaining, it is proposed to introduce the 3 day rule next Monday.
Otherwise the game will never end.
At 9.30pm last night, Tim Wright of St. Catharine's college was shot dead in
his room. The assassin has not yet been named. Police are urging members of the
public to be vigilant and not to leave their doors unlocked.
Thursday 10th
The broken body of Mr. Timothy Bennett of Christ's was found by a neighbour
at about 10pm this evening. There was copious evidence of a struggle.
Forensic scientists place the time of his death about an hour or so previous
to the late Mr. Bennett's discovery. After he had been shot through the head
he had had his kneecaps blown off and the body was found hanging from the
ceiling.
Friday 11th
The body of Mr Ben Evans was found today in his room at Wolfson Court. He
hhad been stabbed in the ribs, just below the heart. Neighbours saw two
men fleeing from the building, at around 1520. A ceremonial scabard was
found in the room, but the blade to which it belongs has not been found.
Due to Mr Evans' well-knowwn fascination with weapons, it has been
assumed that he attempted to defend himself with it, and the assassin
fled with the blade, to prevent it being examined by forensics. The
funeral is tomorrow.
A shootout occurred at noon on Friday, when an assassin identified as Chris
Timms attacked Lee Griffiths in Centre Court, Jesus college. In the resulting
firefight, Mr. Griffiths was killed, and Timms, although he had sustained
severe wounding to the arm, managed to escape.
Tragedy struck Robinson college yesterday afternoon, when Joe Pearce took
his own life in the computer room. According to Steve Haslam, who witnessed
the event, Mr. Pearce took a 14" mini-howitzer out of his rucksack and blew
off his own head, taking out one of the Macs. "Every cloud has a silver
lining" was Mr. Haslam's comment on this.
The body of John Winn was found in his room in St. John's college yesterday
evening. He had been shot repeatedly in the head and chest. Experts put the
time of death at around 7.30pm. Police are said to be 'baffled' by this
apparently motiveless killing.
This morning, bedders at Robinson college discovered the corpse of Chris
Roberts in his room, where it had apparently lain all night. Mr. Roberts
was clutching a note warning him of a lurker who had been prowling the
area; a substance, believed toxic, was smeared on the back of the note and
also on Mr. Roberts' door handle. This is clearly the work of a warped and
devious criminal. Members of the public are urged to be on their guard.
At 9am this morning, Angela Merrick of Pembroke college was attacked and
killed while on her way to a lecture. Her assailant shot her in the back
and then proceeded to slit her throat twice for good measure. A description
furnished by witnesses fits that of a Theo Moore, of Robinson college, whom
police are anxious to question about the incident.
Wednesday 16th
4.30pm: The body of Jon Skeet has just been discovered in Trinity college.
The cause of death has been identified as poisoning. A substance, believed
lethal, was found smeared on his door handle.
James Goldwater, of Robinson college was found dead this morning. He
died from a bullet wound to the head after which both his arms were
removed and stuck up his nostrils. Police are, apparently, ruling out
suicide.
This evening Martin Hardcastle suddenly wnt on a rampage of violence outside
Laserquest, shooting the Chief of Police Jim Cameron, special police task force
Louise Rutter an Tom Forsyth, and Owen Dunn, who happened to be in their
company atr the time. Fortunately Cameron was able to stab him before he was
shot, but Hardcastle killed him wiyh his dying breath.
Thursday 17th
The body of John Nonweiler was found yesterday in Robinson college.
Evidence suggests that he was killed at around 5pm by means of a toxic
gas. Several members of college were admitted to hospital after suffering
ill effects, but Mr. Nonweiler was the only fatality, as the gas had
since had time to dissipate.
Clive Ponsonby, a previously quiet and respected member of Trinity college,
went on the rampage in Trinity Hall yesterday, slitting the throats of no
fewer than 6 members of college. No motive for this senseless violence has
yet been suggested. A statement by a police spokesman suggests that 'the
Chief of Police approves... er... condemns this random killing'. When
reminded that the Chief of Police is dead, the spokesman had no further
comment except to deny that the police are using a ouija board to assist
them in their duty.
Friday 18th
Tom Hill of Corpus Christi was found dead outside his room at midday
today. He was killed with a single shot to the chest at close range. The
identity of the killer has not yet been established.
Sunday 20th
News has just come in that the dangerous criminal Clive Ponsonby yesterday
claimed another victim, Phil Beadsworth of Clare. Evidence suggests that
Mr. Beadsworth may have challenged Ponsonby, whom he apparently did not
know, suspecting him to be a criminal, whereupon Ponsonby slit his throat
before he could take action. Police are appealing for witnesses to the
crime to come forward.
Also just in, Daniel Angadi has murdered Nick Wilkie of Trinity Hall. It
appears that Angadi and an accomplice, not named, encountered Mr. Wilkie
near the door to his staircase and, on discovering that his name was Nick,
shot him. On searching the body and discovering his exact identity, they
showed signs of great consternation and ran off, suggesting that Mr.
Wilkie was killed in mistake for another man. Police are urging all
inhabitants of Trinity Hall named Nick to be on their guard.
A terrible catalogue of misfortune has struck the inhabitants of Cambridge
this week. Fatalities include:
Andy McDonald, James Stalker, Jeremy Longley and Andrew Martin --
eaten by an escaped leopard in Selwyn.
Tim Dennis, Geoff Tolley, Andrew Block and Rachel Harker --
killed in John's in a tragic accident involving an exploding chilli
con carne.
Eoghan Flanagan --
shot by a stallholder at the market during a disagreement over the
price of a cauliflower.
Stuart McArthur --
cut into tiny pieces in a grisly lawnmower accident.
Tom Payne --
brutally stabbed to death by a Clare porter for walking on the grass.
G.S. Stachowski, Jim Keenan and Daniel Seaman --
murdered in Emmanuel by a CompSci driven berserk by his Part II
project.
Steve Early --
suffered a fatal heart attack after a visitor spilt coffee on Myrddin.
E.J. Harman --
strangled by a lecturer for heckling.
Sarah Brierley --
accidentally curried by Peterhouse catering staff.
Giuliano Procida --
spontaneously combusted.
Shane Kearns and Lee McLernon --
died of exhaustion after walking to lectures from Girton.
Laurance Parkes --
electrocuted by a faulty light fitting.
Mark Pattison and James Kirton --
died of Weil's disease after being thrown in the Cam by an enraged
tourist.
Tom Braithwaite --
bitten by a rabid hamster in Jesus.
David Cutter --
plunged to his death from a window in Harvey Court.
Simon Grimshaw and Mike Steen --
crushed by a falling pigeon-hole rack in Trinity Hall.
Jon Knight --
was guest of honour at a CUWoCS party.
Joanna Barrie and Oliver Medlicott --
accidentally sliced each other's heads off while practising
swordsmanship.
Friday 18th (cont)
Emily Read of Clare college was killed this afternoon by a poisoned note
which was left on her door by an unknown assassin. Her neighbour witnessed
the incident. Miss Read picked up the note, and immediately turned blue
and collapsed on the floor. Attempts to resuscitate her proved futile.
Clive Ponsonby's reign of terror came to an end at 7.10pm today, as he was
cornered in Trinity college and shot in the head by Inspector Chuan-Tze
Teo. The ghost of the Chief of Police earlier commended Insp. Teo for his
action by automatic writing, and has promoted him to Chief Inspector.
Monday 21st
Ralph Anderson of Downing college was shot dead in his own room this
evening by an unknown attacker. No motive for the crime has yet been
established. A porter is said to remember directing a bearded man to Mr.
Anderson's room, but no official confirmation of the rumour has yet been
received.
Monday 28th
Daniel Angadi of Pembroke college has been found dead in his room. The
cause of death is believed to be some kind of mutated 'flu virus. The
area of Mr. Angadi's room has been quarantined, but police are urging
the public not to panic, as the situation is under control.
Evidence has come to light that the 'reformed' Mafioso Adamo 'WeirdBeard'
Cohenno is not in fact as reformed as he would have us think. Respected
upholder of law and order Detective Sergeant Paul Menage opened a
letter containing a poisonous substance. Later forensic examination revealed
Cohenno to be the culprit. He is a dangerous criminal and must be stopped.
Before he kills any more policemen.
The criminal Adamo 'Beard of Death' Cohenno has claimed two more victims.
Our police force is mourning the loss of one of its best-loved members,
PC Austin Donnelly, who was brutally stabbed in the back in Cockcroft 3
yesterday afternoon. Not content with this murder, he then shot Mr. Theo
Moore of Robinson college in Clare Colony at 5.45pm today. Mr. Moore is
known to have been carrying a weapon, so it is speculated that Cohenno
may have been protecting himself or an accomplice. Police are nonetheless
urging public-spirited members of the public to assist them in apprehending
this dangerous murderer.
He is a dangerous criminal and must be stopped. Before he kills any MORE
policemen. Or anyone else, for that matter.
Friday 2nd
Mr. Nick Haley of Trinity Hall was murdered last night by the infamous
Adamo Cohenno of Clare. He was gunned down as he opened his door. Evidence
suggests that Mr. Haley was off his guard due to the intoxicating effects
of alcohol.
Not content with this callous killing, Cohenno then proceeded to decapitate
WPC Clare 'Fluffy' Izard with a large sword in the Cockcroft lift this
afternoon. The funeral will be held in Trinity Hall this Sunday, and large
numbers of CompScis are expected to turn up to mourn her passing.
Cohenno, it transpires, had earlier been challenged to a duel by neighbour
and fellow Mafioso Davido 'Attente alle Meduse' Powelli over allegations of
loud Marathon music emanating from his room at all hours. The duel was
arranged for 4.30pm on Clare Bridge, and was witnessed by several friends
of the combatants, as well as by the Umpire and the ghost of the Chief of
Police. After a hard-fought sword battle, during which both duellists
sustained many cuts and minor wounds, Powelli managed to get past Cohenno's
defence and lop off his head. The death was accompanied by the appropriate
pyrotechnic display, punts moving of their own accord across the Cam,
lights exploding, lightning, you get the picture. There can, after all,
be only one.
And that's it. Dave Powell is declared the winner of this term's game. Hope
you all enjoyed it. Hot mince pies to those of you who actually bothered to
do anything, rancid turkeys to the sleepers, and seasons greetings to the
lot of you. Next term's game is being run by David Allsopp, dna1000@cus, of
John's, so bother him if you want to play.
The Umpires, jim and Elizabeth, signing off.