( News | Inquest )
Member M94INQ Here is the inquest on the Michaelmas 94 game of Killer. It is badly typed, incomplete and in some places probably factually incorrect. Anyone spotting any factual inaccuracies, misattributed kills or other evidence of the ex-umpire's inefficiency, is requested to e-mail empp1@phx. Then a more accurate version can be released later for the pedants among you, and preserved for posterity on Zinque (well, for 5 months anyway). Something like 115 players participated in this game, but a large number of them appeared to fall asleep and were never heard of by the umpires. The umpires, in a fit of power madness, therefore declared about 25 people no longer to exist. 24th October The first killing of the game was reported to have taken place at 6pm, which must be a record, when the ever brilliant Paul Menage killed Micheal Kent as the latter stood in the dinner queue. He either wasn't paranoid enough or hadn't noticed the time. This makes up for the fact that Nir was not playing.... Mark Patterson assassinated Punita Shah, witnessed by 3 Queensmen. Reports of a potential Queens mafia were hoped to be unfounded. Tim Wright coshed and slit the throat of Michael Anderson at 7.45, which was also quick work. At 8.18 Stachowski shot Ed Collinge through an open window, killing him with a single shot. The umpires were impressed by his stylishness; it was much the best killing of the day. Julia Gog poisoned Strahan Wilson, and then stabbed his body for good measure. Not surprisingly, he was found to be dead. This was probably what he deserved for leaving his door open so she could get in. At 11pm the umpire came home from the opera and found an unreasonable number of mail messages. Then she went to bed. Later Robin Michaels decided to see if his new gun worked by the morally questionable method of shooting Paul Bolchover. Mr Bolchover died, learning something about the advisability of telling your friends that you're not playing when you are in fact playing, and Mr Michaels had the distinction of becoming the first player on the wanted list. Tuesady 25th Mr Beadsworth's bedder died this morning, from contact poison applied the previous night by Dave Allsopp sfter an unsuccessful shooting attempt by Mr Allsopp, Mr Clapp and Mr Kilgour. Mr Allsopp joined the wanted list. At 10am Ponsonby shot Harry Whaley, as he opened his door to hs bedder. His ghost retaliated by pouring acid on one of his attackers from an upstairs window. He hit the wrong one... (but ghosts don't count). Mr Michaels died less than 12 hours after testing his gun, at the hands of Paul Menage, who seemed to be satisfying his usual blood lust from the right side of the law :-) Someone unknown tried to kill Eoghan Flanagan with poison gas. Undaunted, Mr Flanagan collected his gun and took it out on his victim, Ben Harris. His discription of bursting through the door and killing him left the umpire to conclude that this was another player who didn't bother to lock his door. There seem to be a lot of them about so far, and they are all dead. This one died at 2pm-ish. Tim Waugh went to plant a bomb in Kate Studd's pigeonhole. While he was doing so, a hand appeared in the pigeonhole and removed the mail. Mr Waugh pursued its owner who had come out unarmed to check her pigeonhole and shot her dead. She had come out unarmed to check her pigeonhole. She died. At 1.29 pm. Mr Waugh then put a poisoned death threat on the door of Tim Down, who he thought was his assassin. He wasn't. It killed one Mark Davey, an innocent bystander. Mr Waugh joined the wanted list. Clare Izard sent a leaking poison gas parcel to her victim, Laughton. It also killed one Yeldham (a player) and heaven knows how many innocent bystanders. Miss Izard joined the wanted list. Stachowski put marmite on Gallico's doorknob and shot her in the head as she expired at his feet. Whether he did this out of a sense of mercy or because he is a psychopath is not known. Paul Menage claimed his second (assigned) victim when he impersonated one 'Ian from the bar' at the door of Michael Nonweiler. Nonweiler made an attempt on him with a sword, but Menage had a gun and was faster. He died bravely, though, not that I suppose it was much consolation. Things continued violent in the evening. Tom Hill shot Danny Ludhe-Thompson outside his own room. Mr Ludhe-Thompson had forgotten that he was playing. Dave Allsopp encountered Paul Menage in the John's computer room, but both survived with flesh wounds. Allsopp then saw Philip Fairweather, who bravely produced a knife but then spoilt the effect by running away. He was shot through the head. Allsopp's reign of terror came to an end later in the evening, however, when Cragg and Stachowski went to kill Allsopp. Allsopp left via the window intending to return via the door. Before he could do so grenades were dropped on his and he was shot. A worthy and noble deed. The umpires were laying bets that Stachowski wouldn't get him. Waugh put a bomb in what he thought was Donelly's pigeonhole. It wasn't, and an innocent died. He then booby trapped his own door and it went off; victim unknown. Then to make very sure he was on the wanted list he shot his girlfriend because she was annoying him. This violence thing is catching. Branscombe shot Dean at Garden Hostel King's at 5.15. Assasssin and accomplice fled by bike. At 6pm someone shot Hartley in the back in the middle of First Court Jesus. Nice and efficient. The umpires have forgotten who shot him. Jamie Wood wandered around Jesus pretending to be lost until David Rhode offered to help him. An unwise thing to do in the current climate. Wood shot Mr Rhode an unnecessary number of times and legged it. Tim Down decide to make very certain of Dave Hollinger by poisoning two letters and his door in two places. Unfortunately he only made sure of Hollinger's friend, and joined the wanted list. Clare Izard forgot to be paranoid and was gunned down by Austin Donnelly outside HMV. Mr Donelly then went looking for his victim, Johnnie Cohen. He found him sitting in his room with his back to the door and both his doors propped open. He asked 'Are you Cohen?' and recieved the answer 'Yes'. Mr Cohen's death ensued, which is not really surprising. At 11pm Paul Menage forgot to be paranoid too and left his door wide open while he made coffee. As is usual with the unparanoid, he paid for it with his life and a lot of embarrassment the next day when people found aout about it. Chris Timms was the man who walked in and shot him. Earlier in the evening Menage had done exactly the same thing to a friend of Timms's, Williamson. There was a sort of symmetry to it, I suppose. At 11pm Daniel Curtis stabbed Owen Edwards outside his room. Another nice, straightforward killing. The kind of thing the Assassin's guild is famous for. Julia Gog continued her earlier success. She interrupted Andy Mortimer with a large knife while he was reading. Mr Mortimer didn't finish his book. And one Bernal found a dried chilli in his pigeonhole. It was either an attempt on his life or a comment on the CS's new method of handling mail. Wednesday 26th October The day began well when Dave Powell booby trapped Colin Ross's door. At 7.30 he opened it and a large bomb demolished the door, corridor and Mr Ross. Serves him right for getting up so diligently early. Someone sent Hotham such an unconvincing poison letter that he complained to the umpires about it. At the end of the midday lectures Daniel Seaman shot Alex Barnard outside Cockroft 3. Right under the umpire's window. Martin Hardcastle also got an unconvincing poisoned letter. He also complained to the umpires that it was unconvincing and then burnt it. Medicott cudgelled to death the dead body of Young at 2pm, because the umpires hadn't given enough priority to the fact that he'd been poisoned the previous day. At 3.55 Adam Kilgour gunned down Brooks in St John's St, and the umpires recieved bewildering repots of the incident which kept them amused all afternoon trying to work out what ws going on. As 30 players had been murdered in less than 48 hours it is not surprising that what it took to bewilder the umpires was not much at all. In fact the umpires were bewildered most of the time. Mr Kilgour joined the wanted list. Cragg saw fit to inform the umpires that he had not killed Brookes. The umpires, who had not said he had, wondered if his conscience was troubling him. Catriona McLean sent two friends to her room while she went to look for her victim. They put their hands in contact poison left by Hotham, and expired. A short while later Hotham and a friend burst into her room with guns and murdered the same two friends again. They also fired on the ghost of Alex Barnard, but did not notice Miss McLean, who was hiding under a sleeping bag in a corner. Her quick thinking friends indicated one of the corpses as Mc Lean, and the gunmen left, happy. Crookes decided to ambush his assigned killerwith the assistance of some accomplices. He lured him to Queens' bar, where the assassin, Tim Wright, promptly shot Crookes dead. It is believed that events may have departed from the plan Crookes intended to carry out. Dafydd Richards began activities at last (we expect high leves of bloodshed from Mr Richards and were surprised at his slow start) by putting a letter bmb under the door of his target, Edmund Jones. Mr Jones opened it. At 7.25 Dave Holland was cycling down Sidney St when his progress was impeded by Tim Clapp shooting him dead for no apparent reason as he passed. Mr Clapp joined the wanted list. Tim Waugh was discussing future operations with his accomplice Lee Griffiths in the court when the latter suddenly and unexpectedly shot him. When you are on the wanted list you can't trust anybody. Patterson and James Kirton attempted to shoot two passersby who happened to be looking at the name board at the bottom of his staircase. Fortunately for them they had omitted to pump up their supersoaker, and they avoided the wanted list. Mr Down put a bomb in Tim Waugh's cupboard . The bomb went off, but unfortunately Mr. Waugh was alredy dead. In the afternoon Julia Gog continued her impressive work by shooting Mark Hayward. With a single shot, in the usual way. Someone shot Griff John in the head as he sat watching television in Garden Hostel computer room. The umpires have forgotten who this was too. Chris Brown shot Austin Donelly outside Corpus at 11.30 in revenge for the killing of Clare Izard. He joined the wanted list. Thursday 27th At 1am the day got off to a good start when Chris Timms shot Will Ramsay in his bedroom. This morning Beadsworth shot Newnham boatie Angela Freeman dead outside the boatmouse with a single shot, to the surprise of all that anyone but a boatie would be awake so ealy as 8.10am. Wood died of poison gas at the hands of Patterson who suddenly entered his room in a gas mask. No fewer than 11 members of Trinity College(we think) stabbed Owen Edwards to death. This must take the record for excessive caution! Oliver believed that he had died of poison gas, but no-one claimed to have done it, so we decided that he wsa still alive. Six days later Dave Hollinger got around to mentioning that he had killed him, and we ruled that he was dead again. Sally Riordan returned to her room to get lunch, and Jeremy Longley stepped out of the shadows and chopped her head off with what was described as a bloody big sword. Mark Adami shot Emil Bernal several times in the head. Tim Down was disqualified by the umpires. Robin Cragg came out of his room in answer to a voice which announced that he was wanted on the telphone in an adjacent staircase. he regretted falling for this ruse when Ralph Anderson slit his throat as he emerged. Skeet recieved a letter telling him that he was already dead, This puzzled everyone, especially the umpires, who thought he ws still alive at this stage. A burst of activity occurred in the early evening, wiht Tolley shooting Agrawl at 5pm and Branscomb returning from a practical to recieve some bullets in the back of the head from Clive Ponsonby as he tried to open his door at about the same time. Later Andy Somers attempted a gas attack on Dave Powell, and managed to get himself shot dead by his intended victim. Beadsworth and Richard Smart were chatting together when Smart mentioned that he wished he had a gun, he'd show what he'd do with it. Beadsworth gave him a gun and a bullet through the head, in that order. After all, Smart haad been openly holding a waepon. Someone made Hotham a present of a knife, which was left outside his door. Later that night Hotham mistook it for his keys and locked himself out at 2am after all the porters had gone home. HOW he mistook it for his keys isn''t exactly clear. Angadi shot Coupe, but ommitted to give the umpires any details. Griffiths posoned Hill's door 'absolutely everywhere'. Like most of the contact poisons left in this game, the umpires heard no more about it. Mark Adami shot Chris Brown dead in Old Court Trinity in the evening. This was very quick work; he'd only just been assigned this victim. Friday 28th Kilgour shot PC. Michaels while the latter was peacefully eating his lunch. Michaels complained about damage to his sausages and expired Catriona MacLean blew herself and a tour group up on king's parade. The last part of this led to widespread praise. Eric Ling lay in wait for Tom Payne outside his room, but stabbed one Garside instead. Payne, unimpressed by the death of his frinend, shot Ling dead. Or perhaps he just did it to stop Ling killing him too. David Damerell and Nathan Bavidge shot esch other dead in an alsost instantaneously short gun battle on the steps of 7, Jesus Lane. Tim Clapp put a bomb outside PC Allsopp's door. Allsopp noted with some amusement that he had omitted to attach it to his door handle. Tim Clapp claimed that someone had defused it... honestly. Not that it would have got dave anyway, as he was not in the habit of leaving via the door during killer games. Lisa Wright tried to kill Clive Ponsonby, and got herself shot for her pains. Mr ponsonby was unhurt. Jeremy Longley crept into the room of Dave Richards as he slept and chopped his head off. Saturday 29th Tim Clapp made a fatal error in trying to kill last games winner, Dave Allsopp. He followed him from the Buttery after lunch, but Dave Allsopp saw him coming and lay in wait round a corner. Tim Clapp got his head blown off in 2nd court, and Allsopp got promoted. Beadsworth lay in wait for Patrick Henry outside his room and shot hgim in the back when he returned after lunch. Kirton left a bomb for Li, which duly expolded, killing him. Pattison left a poison coated coin in Adami's room. The next time he visited the coin was gone. The umpires were left the task of finding out who was dead. Adami was. Dafydd Richards saw a large group of armed policemen, including Allsopp and Menage, crossing Market Square and decided to attack them. The latter stabbed him to death. For once Richards never got on the wanted list. Kirton informed the umpires that Dave Hotham had decided to try out his new knife by stabbing to death a man called Smith. Darien Graham Smith provided entertainment for the tourists in Great Court Trinity by shooting Chuan-Tze Teo no fewer than 10 times in the head. This was not economical use of ammunition. The St John's mafia blew up PC Chris Brown, to the annoyance of the Chief of Police. His co-umpire thought it was just as well, as the police list was getting unreasonable and taking up lots of filespace. Sunday 30th Adam Kilgour pursued PC Allsopp round St John's in revenge for the events of the previous day. Allsopp just didn't quite run fast enough to reach sanctuary in the chapel and died on the threshold. Dave Hollinger finally got around to reporting that it wa him who had killed Edward Oliver, and also that he had been blown up last Thursday. Monday 31st Tim Bennet foiled a poison letter attempt, and reposted it to his victim; a resourceful recycling effort, showing that he assassin's guild is environmentally conscious. Dave Hotham the wanted criminal took to answereing his door unarmed. He is dead. Ben Evans gets the credit. A bewildering incident occured when Kirton tried to gas Steen. The latter insisted he was still alive though he wore no gas mask. Then two police shot Kirton for no reason and ran away without giving their names. The umpires were confused once more. They never did sort this on out. Tuesday 1st The umpires have forgotten who shot Mathhew Astley in the door of his own room. Astley went to the door armed with a knife. Not a good move. Nothing else happened. Wesdnesday 2nd If nothing happens soon I shall give up and go home. Friday 3rd At 5.45pm Ralph Anderson finally got the game moving again by shooting Daniel Curtis 3 times in the head outside his room. It was reported to the umpires th that the witness was so shocked by this cold-blooded slaughter that he fell about laughing. The police shot Gaudin dead. It nearly cost one of them his life. Monday 7th It was revealed that Alice Byram's body had been lying about New Hall for a week after she was contact poisoned by a letter. Presumably her body hadn't been lying in the porters Lodge all that time unnoticed...she must have crawled away to die in a corner somewhere. Tuesday 8th Chris Timms shot Tim Waugh dead. Hurrh. Action at last. The umpies decided to introduce a 3 day rule, as otherwise there was no prospect of the game finishing before Christmas (or indeed next Christmas) Thursday 10th At 10pm it was reported that Geoff Tolley shot Timothy Benett and did highly improbable things to the body :-) Friday 11th Timms shot Lee Griffiths at 2.50pm. He was wounded in exchange of fire. The incident occurred in Chapel Court Jesus, which is rapidly getting a reputation for violence. John Winn and an accomplice stabbed Ben Evans to deth in the latter's room. and stole his sword. Winn was injured in the arm by Evans with said sword. Satunday 13th The day was enlivened by two failed poisonings. Nonweiler noticed that there was poison on his door handle, and irresponsibly went to lunch. Then he complained of the state of his door handle to a Mr. Harris, who proptly put his hand on it and expired. McLernon left his door open in the afternoon and was relieved (and lucky) to find nothing worse than contact poison on the internal door handle. He might have found Martin Hardcastle had he arrived sooner! At some time this weekend John Winn also killed Chris Timms. Tuesday 15th Angela Merrick today shot Jihn Winn. Phil Beadsworth left a poisoned postit on Chris Robert's door warning him that someone had been trying to get into his room. Roberts died. Wedbesday 16th Joe Pearce blew his own head offf in the computer room. And Theo Moore shot Angela Merrick in thehead and slit her throat too as she walked to lectures. Dave Powell succeeding in dispatching Jon Skeet by means of poison on his door knob. Nich Haley shot James Goldwater, and the umpires recieved reports that he had mutilated the body in improbable ways. In the evening, to his great embarrassment, the Chief of Police and his fearsome task force, along with Owen Dunn who happened to be with them at the time, were gunned down by Martin Hardcastle, who was on his way to the Bath with them. They attempted to excuse this weaselish bhaviour by saying that no-one had tried to kill them recently so they had got tired of waiting. Even more wmbarrassingly the only weapon they had between them was a small knife carried by Cameron. With this however, Cameron managed to take Hardcastle with him. The umpires wondered who the chief of Police was. Thursday 17th The majority of players having apparently fallen asleep, the umpires in their wisdom declared today that they had met unlikely and improbable deaths by natural causes. Some of them were most unpleasant. Martin Hardcastle complained to the umpires once more about an unconvincing poison letter that he had received. Emily Read managed to gas Nonweiler at 5pm without killing anyone else. And Clive Ponsonby, unable to find his assigned victim, took out his frustration and general psychopathic urges on 6 innocents who happened to live in Trinity Hall, slitting their throats Friday 18th As Tom Hill came back from lunch Theo Moore shot him in the chest at close range. Someone else murdered Emily read by means of a poisoned note. The Chief of Police was given a new body to go out nd be alive in once more. it saved appointing a new one. Sunday 20th Phil Beadsworth tried to kill Ponsonby. He failed to kill Ponsony, but managed to get his throat slit. Daniel Angadi and an accomplice went to Tit Hall and shot entirely the wrong man called Nick. Inspector Teo shot Clive Ponsonby dead in Trinity. Monday 21st Adam Cohen shot Ralph Anderson in his own room. At 9pm night, the battered and bloody ghost of Ralph Anderson staggered into the porters' lodge at Downing and was promptly killed again by a poisoned letter. Monday 28th Daniel Angadi died Adam Cohen killed Sergeant Menage with a poisoned letter, stabbed PC Donelly in Cockcroft 3, and shot Theo Moore. And then there were 3 and the umpires held their breath. Friday 2nd Adam Cohen shot Nick Haley, who unwisely opened his door while drunk. Later he met WPC Izard in the Cockroft lift and chopped her head off. The remaining participants in the game then agreed to fight a duel on Clare Bridge. The duel went on rather a long time, was watched by both umpires, a couple of dozen players, and some bewildered tourists and ended when it was popularly agreed that Dave Powell had killed Adam Cohen rather more times than he had been killed by him. Dave Powell was the winner. Adam Cohen gets the Cop-killer award (I think). Paul Menage made the first kill. The game was umpired by Elizabeth Pringle and Jim Cameron. Elizabeth Pringle wrote this inquest. Blame her.