University of Cambridge Assassin's Guild
Inquest into Michaelmas 1994 Game

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Member M94INQ
 Here is the inquest on the Michaelmas 94 game of Killer. It is badly typed,
 incomplete and in some places probably factually incorrect. Anyone spotting any
 factual inaccuracies, misattributed kills or other evidence of the ex-umpire's
 inefficiency, is requested to e-mail empp1@phx. Then a more accurate version
 can be released later for the pedants among you, and preserved for posterity on
 Zinque (well, for 5 months anyway).
 Something like 115 players participated in this game, but a large number of
 them appeared to fall asleep and were never heard of by the umpires. The
 umpires, in a fit of power madness, therefore declared about 25 people
 no longer to exist.
 24th October
 The first killing of the game was reported to have taken place at 6pm, which
 must be a record, when the ever brilliant Paul Menage killed Micheal Kent as
 the latter stood in the dinner queue. He either wasn't paranoid
 enough or hadn't noticed the time. This makes up for the fact that Nir was not
 Mark Patterson assassinated Punita Shah, witnessed by 3 Queensmen. Reports of a
 potential Queens mafia were hoped to be unfounded.
 Tim Wright coshed and slit the throat of Michael Anderson at 7.45, which was
 also quick work.
 At 8.18 Stachowski shot Ed Collinge through an open window, killing him with a
 single shot. The umpires were impressed by his stylishness; it was much the best
 killing of the day.
 Julia Gog poisoned Strahan Wilson, and then stabbed his body for good measure.
 Not surprisingly, he was found to be dead. This was probably what he deserved
 for leaving his door open so she could get in.
 At 11pm the umpire came home from the opera and found an unreasonable number of
 mail messages. Then she went to bed.
 Later Robin Michaels decided to see if his new gun worked by the morally
 questionable method of shooting Paul Bolchover. Mr Bolchover died, learning
 something about the advisability of telling your friends that you're not playing
 when you are in fact playing, and Mr Michaels had the distinction of becoming
 the first player on the wanted list.
 Tuesady 25th
 Mr Beadsworth's bedder died this morning, from contact poison applied the
 previous night by Dave Allsopp sfter an unsuccessful shooting attempt by Mr
 Allsopp, Mr Clapp and Mr Kilgour. Mr Allsopp joined the wanted list.
 At 10am Ponsonby shot Harry Whaley, as he opened his door to hs bedder. His
 ghost retaliated by pouring acid on one of his attackers from an upstairs
 window. He hit the wrong one...  (but ghosts don't count).
 Mr Michaels died less than 12 hours after testing his gun, at the
 hands of Paul Menage, who seemed to be satisfying his usual blood lust from the
 right side of the law :-)
 Someone unknown tried to kill Eoghan Flanagan with poison gas. Undaunted, Mr
 Flanagan collected his gun and took it out on his victim, Ben Harris. His
 discription of bursting through the door and killing him left the umpire to
 conclude that this was another player who didn't bother to lock his door. There
 seem to be a lot of them about so far, and they are all dead.  This one died at
 Tim Waugh went to plant a bomb in Kate Studd's pigeonhole. While he was doing
 so, a hand appeared in the pigeonhole and removed the mail.
 Mr Waugh pursued its owner who had come out unarmed to check her pigeonhole
 and shot her dead. She had come out unarmed to check her pigeonhole. She died.
 At 1.29 pm.
 Mr Waugh then put a poisoned death threat on the door of Tim Down, who he
 thought was his assassin. He wasn't. It killed one Mark Davey, an innocent
 bystander. Mr Waugh joined the wanted list.
 Clare Izard sent a leaking poison gas parcel to her victim, Laughton. It also
 killed one Yeldham (a player) and heaven knows how many innocent bystanders.
 Miss Izard joined the wanted list.
 Stachowski put marmite on Gallico's doorknob and shot her in the head as she
 expired at his feet. Whether he did this out of a sense of mercy or because he
 is a psychopath is not known.
 Paul Menage claimed his second (assigned) victim when he impersonated one 'Ian
 from the bar' at the door of Michael Nonweiler. Nonweiler made an attempt on
 him with a sword, but Menage had a gun and was faster. He died bravely, though,
 not that I suppose it was much consolation.
 Things continued violent in the evening. Tom Hill shot Danny Ludhe-Thompson
 outside his own room. Mr Ludhe-Thompson had forgotten that he was playing.
 Dave Allsopp encountered Paul Menage in the John's computer room, but both
 survived with flesh wounds.
 Allsopp then saw Philip Fairweather, who bravely produced a knife but
 then spoilt the effect by running away. He was shot through the head.
 Allsopp's reign of terror came to an end later in the evening, however, when
 Cragg and Stachowski went to kill Allsopp. Allsopp left via the window
 intending to return via the door. Before he could do so grenades were dropped
 on his and he was shot. A worthy and noble deed. The umpires were laying bets
 that Stachowski wouldn't get him.
 Waugh put a bomb in what he thought was Donelly's pigeonhole. It wasn't, and an
 innocent died. He then booby trapped his own door and it went off; victim
 unknown. Then to make very sure he was on the wanted list he shot his
 girlfriend because she was annoying him. This violence thing is catching.
 Branscombe shot Dean at Garden Hostel King's at 5.15. Assasssin and accomplice
 fled by bike.
 At 6pm someone shot Hartley in the back in the middle of First Court Jesus. Nice
 and efficient. The umpires have forgotten who shot him.
 Jamie Wood wandered around Jesus pretending to be lost until David Rhode offered
 to help him. An unwise thing to do in the current climate. Wood shot Mr Rhode an
 unnecessary number of times and legged it.
 Tim Down decide to make very certain of Dave Hollinger by poisoning two letters
 and his door in two places. Unfortunately he only made sure of Hollinger's
 friend, and joined the wanted list.
 Clare Izard forgot to be paranoid and was gunned down by Austin Donnelly
 outside HMV. Mr Donelly then went looking for his victim, Johnnie Cohen. He
 found him sitting in his room with his back to the door and both his doors
 propped open. He asked 'Are you Cohen?' and recieved the answer 'Yes'. Mr
 Cohen's death ensued, which is not really surprising.
 At 11pm Paul Menage forgot to be paranoid too and left his door wide open while
 he made coffee. As is usual with the unparanoid, he paid for it with his life
 and a lot of embarrassment the next day when people found aout about it. Chris
 Timms was the man who walked in and shot him. Earlier in the evening Menage
 had done exactly the same thing to a friend of Timms's, Williamson. There was
 a sort of symmetry to it, I suppose.
 At 11pm Daniel Curtis stabbed Owen Edwards outside his room. Another nice,
 straightforward killing. The kind of thing the Assassin's guild is famous for.
 Julia Gog continued her earlier success. She interrupted Andy Mortimer with a
 large knife while he was reading. Mr Mortimer didn't finish his book.
 And one Bernal found a dried chilli in his pigeonhole. It was either an
 attempt on his life or a comment on the CS's new method of handling mail.
 Wednesday 26th October
 The day began well when Dave Powell booby trapped Colin Ross's door. At 7.30 he
 opened it and a large bomb demolished the door, corridor and Mr Ross. Serves him
 right for getting up so diligently early.
 Someone sent Hotham such an unconvincing poison letter that he complained to
 the umpires about it.
 At the end of the midday lectures Daniel Seaman shot Alex Barnard outside
 Cockroft 3. Right under the umpire's window.
 Martin Hardcastle also got an unconvincing poisoned letter. He also complained
 to the umpires that it was unconvincing and then burnt it.
 Medicott cudgelled to death the dead body of Young at 2pm, because the umpires
 hadn't given enough priority to the fact that he'd been poisoned the previous
 At 3.55 Adam Kilgour gunned down Brooks in St John's St, and the umpires
 recieved bewildering repots of the incident which kept them amused all
 afternoon trying to work out what ws going on. As 30 players had been murdered
 in less than 48 hours it is not surprising that what it took to bewilder the
 umpires was not much at all. In fact the umpires were bewildered most of the
 Mr Kilgour joined the wanted list.
 Cragg saw fit to inform the umpires that he had not killed Brookes. The
 umpires, who had not said he had, wondered if his conscience was troubling him.
 Catriona McLean sent two friends to her room while she went to look for her
 victim. They put their hands in contact poison left by Hotham, and expired. A
 short while later Hotham and a friend burst into her room with guns and
 murdered the same two friends again. They also fired on the ghost of Alex
 Barnard, but did not notice Miss McLean, who was hiding under a sleeping bag
 in a corner. Her quick thinking friends indicated one of the corpses as Mc
 Lean, and the gunmen left, happy.
 Crookes decided to ambush his assigned killerwith the assistance of some
 accomplices. He lured him to Queens' bar, where the assassin, Tim Wright,
 promptly shot Crookes dead. It is believed that events may have departed from
 the plan Crookes intended to carry out.
 Dafydd Richards began activities at last (we expect  high leves of bloodshed
 from Mr Richards and were surprised at his slow start) by putting a letter bmb
 under the door of his target, Edmund Jones. Mr Jones opened it.
 At 7.25 Dave Holland was cycling down Sidney St when his progress was impeded
 by Tim Clapp shooting him dead for no apparent reason as he passed. Mr Clapp
 joined the wanted list.
 Tim Waugh was discussing future operations with his accomplice Lee Griffiths in
 the court when the latter suddenly and unexpectedly shot him. When you are on
 the wanted list you can't trust anybody.
 Patterson and James Kirton attempted to shoot two passersby who happened to be
 looking at the name board at the bottom of his staircase. Fortunately for them
 they had omitted to pump up their supersoaker, and they avoided the wanted
 Mr Down put a bomb in Tim Waugh's cupboard . The bomb went off, but
 unfortunately Mr. Waugh was alredy dead.
 In the afternoon Julia Gog continued her impressive work by shooting Mark
 Hayward.  With a single shot, in the usual way.
 Someone shot Griff John in the head as he sat watching television in Garden
 Hostel computer room. The umpires have forgotten who this was too.
 Chris Brown shot Austin Donelly outside Corpus at 11.30 in revenge for the
 killing of Clare Izard. He joined the wanted list.
 Thursday 27th
 At 1am the day got off to a good start when Chris Timms shot Will Ramsay in his
 This morning Beadsworth shot Newnham boatie Angela Freeman dead outside the
 boatmouse with a single shot, to the surprise of all that anyone but a boatie
 would be awake so ealy as 8.10am.
 Wood died of poison gas at the hands of Patterson who suddenly entered
 his room in a gas mask.
 No fewer than 11 members of Trinity College(we think) stabbed Owen Edwards to
 death. This must take the record for excessive caution!
 Oliver believed that he had died of poison gas, but no-one claimed to have done
 it, so we decided that he wsa still alive.  Six days later Dave Hollinger got
 around to mentioning that he had killed him, and we ruled that he was dead
 Sally Riordan returned to her room to get lunch, and Jeremy Longley stepped out
 of the shadows and chopped her head off with what was described as a bloody big
 Mark Adami shot Emil Bernal several times in the head.
 Tim Down was disqualified by the umpires.
 Robin Cragg came out of his room in answer to a voice which announced that he
 was wanted on the telphone in an adjacent staircase. he regretted falling for
 this ruse when Ralph Anderson slit his throat as he emerged.
 Skeet recieved a letter telling him that he was already dead, This puzzled
 everyone, especially the umpires, who thought he ws still alive at this stage.
 A burst of activity occurred in the early evening, wiht Tolley shooting Agrawl
 at 5pm and Branscomb returning from a practical to recieve some bullets in the
 back of the head from Clive Ponsonby as he tried to open his door at about the
 same time.
 Later Andy Somers attempted a gas attack on Dave Powell, and managed to get
 himself shot dead by his intended victim.
 Beadsworth and Richard Smart were chatting together when Smart mentioned that
 he wished he had a gun, he'd show what he'd do with it. Beadsworth gave him a
 gun and a bullet through the head, in that order. After all, Smart haad been
 openly holding a waepon.
 Someone made Hotham a present of a knife, which was left outside his door.
 Later that night Hotham mistook it for his keys and locked himself out at 2am
 after all the porters had gone home.  HOW he mistook it for his keys isn''t
 exactly clear.
 Angadi shot Coupe, but ommitted to give the umpires any details.
 Griffiths posoned Hill's door 'absolutely everywhere'. Like most of the contact
 poisons left in this game, the umpires heard no more about it.
 Mark Adami shot Chris Brown dead in Old Court Trinity in the evening. This was
 very quick work; he'd only just been assigned this victim.
 Friday 28th
 Kilgour shot PC. Michaels while the latter was peacefully eating his lunch.
 Michaels complained about damage to his sausages and expired
 Catriona MacLean blew herself and a tour group up on king's parade. The
 last part of this led to widespread praise.
 Eric Ling lay in wait for Tom Payne outside his room, but stabbed one Garside
 instead. Payne, unimpressed by the death of his frinend, shot Ling dead. Or
 perhaps he just did it to stop Ling killing him too.
 David Damerell and Nathan Bavidge shot esch other dead in an alsost
 instantaneously short gun battle on the steps of 7, Jesus Lane.
 Tim Clapp put a bomb outside PC Allsopp's door. Allsopp noted with some
 amusement that he had omitted to attach it to his door handle. Tim Clapp claimed
 that someone had defused it... honestly. Not that it would have got dave
 anyway, as he was not in the habit of leaving via the door during killer games.
 Lisa Wright tried to kill Clive Ponsonby, and got herself shot for her pains. Mr
 ponsonby was unhurt.
 Jeremy Longley crept into the room of Dave Richards as he slept and chopped his
 head off.
 Saturday 29th
 Tim Clapp made a fatal error in trying to kill last games winner, Dave
 Allsopp.  He followed him from the Buttery after lunch, but Dave Allsopp saw
 him coming and lay in wait round a corner. Tim Clapp got his head blown off in
 2nd court, and Allsopp got promoted.
 Beadsworth lay in wait for  Patrick Henry outside his room and shot hgim in the
 back when he returned after lunch.
 Kirton left a bomb for Li, which duly expolded, killing him.
 Pattison left a poison coated coin in Adami's room. The next time he visited the
 coin was gone. The umpires were left the task of finding out who was dead.
 Adami was.
 Dafydd Richards saw a large group of armed policemen, including Allsopp and
 Menage, crossing Market Square and decided to attack them. The latter stabbed
 him to death. For once Richards never got on the wanted list.
 Kirton informed the umpires that Dave Hotham had decided to try out his new
 knife by stabbing to death a man called Smith.
 Darien Graham Smith provided entertainment for the tourists in Great Court
 Trinity by shooting Chuan-Tze Teo no fewer than 10 times in the head. This was
 not economical use of ammunition.
 The St John's mafia blew up PC Chris Brown, to the annoyance of the Chief of
 Police. His co-umpire thought it was just as well, as the police list was
 getting unreasonable and taking up lots of filespace.
 Sunday 30th
 Adam Kilgour pursued PC Allsopp round St John's in revenge for the events of
 the previous day. Allsopp just didn't quite run fast enough to reach sanctuary
 in the chapel and died on the threshold.
 Dave Hollinger finally got around to reporting that it wa him who had killed
 Edward Oliver, and also that he had been blown up last Thursday.
 Monday 31st
 Tim Bennet foiled a poison letter attempt, and reposted it to his victim; a
 resourceful recycling effort, showing that he assassin's guild is
 environmentally conscious.
 Dave Hotham the wanted criminal took to answereing his door unarmed. He is
 dead. Ben Evans gets the credit.
 A bewildering incident occured when Kirton tried to gas Steen. The latter
 insisted he was still alive though he wore no gas mask. Then two police shot
 Kirton for no reason and ran away without giving their names. The umpires were
 confused once more. They never did sort this on out.
 Tuesday 1st
 The umpires have forgotten who shot Mathhew Astley in the door of his own room.
 Astley went to the door armed with a knife. Not a good move.
 Nothing else happened.
 Wesdnesday 2nd
 If nothing happens soon I shall give up and go home.
 Friday 3rd
 At 5.45pm Ralph Anderson finally got the game moving again by shooting Daniel
 Curtis 3 times in the head outside his room. It was reported to the umpires th
 that the witness was so shocked by this cold-blooded slaughter that he fell
 about laughing.
 The police shot Gaudin dead. It nearly cost one of them his life.
 Monday 7th
 It was revealed that Alice Byram's body had been lying about New Hall for a week
 after she was contact poisoned by a letter. Presumably her body hadn't been
 lying in the porters Lodge all that time unnoticed...she must have crawled away
 to die in a corner somewhere.
 Tuesday 8th
 Chris Timms shot Tim Waugh dead. Hurrh. Action at last.
 The umpies decided to introduce a 3 day rule, as otherwise there was no
 prospect of the game finishing before Christmas (or indeed next Christmas)
 Thursday 10th
 At 10pm it was reported that Geoff Tolley shot Timothy Benett and did highly
 improbable things to the body :-)
 Friday 11th
 Timms shot Lee Griffiths at 2.50pm. He was wounded in exchange of fire. The
 incident occurred in Chapel Court Jesus, which is rapidly getting a reputation
 for violence.
 John Winn and an accomplice stabbed Ben Evans to deth in the latter's room. and
 stole his sword. Winn was injured in the arm by Evans with said sword.
 Satunday 13th
 The day was enlivened by two failed poisonings. Nonweiler noticed that there
 was poison on his door handle, and irresponsibly went to lunch. Then he
 complained of the state of his door handle to a Mr. Harris, who proptly put his
 hand on it and expired.
 McLernon left his door open in the afternoon and was relieved (and lucky) to
 find nothing worse than contact poison on the internal door handle. He might
 have found Martin Hardcastle had he arrived sooner!
 At some time this weekend John Winn also killed Chris Timms.
 Tuesday 15th
 Angela Merrick today shot Jihn Winn.
 Phil Beadsworth left a poisoned postit on Chris Robert's door warning him that
 someone had been trying to get into his room. Roberts died.
 Wedbesday 16th
 Joe Pearce blew his own head offf in the computer room. And Theo Moore shot
 Angela Merrick in thehead and slit her throat too as she walked to lectures.
 Dave Powell  succeeding in dispatching Jon Skeet by means of poison on his door
 Nich Haley shot James Goldwater, and the umpires recieved reports that he had
 mutilated the body in improbable ways.
 In the evening, to his great embarrassment, the Chief of Police and his
 fearsome task force, along with Owen Dunn who happened to be with them at the
 time, were gunned down by Martin Hardcastle, who was on his way to the Bath
 with them. They attempted to excuse this weaselish bhaviour by saying that
 no-one had tried to kill them recently so they had got tired of waiting. Even
 more wmbarrassingly the only weapon they had between them was a small knife
 carried by Cameron. With this however, Cameron managed to take Hardcastle with
 The umpires wondered who the chief of Police was.
 Thursday 17th
 The majority of players having apparently fallen asleep, the umpires in their
 wisdom declared today that they had met unlikely and improbable deaths by
 natural causes. Some of them were most unpleasant.
 Martin Hardcastle complained to the umpires once more about an unconvincing
 poison letter that he had received.
 Emily Read managed to gas Nonweiler at 5pm without killing anyone else.
 And Clive Ponsonby, unable to find his assigned victim, took out his frustration
 and general psychopathic urges on 6 innocents who happened to live in Trinity
 Hall, slitting their throats
 Friday 18th
 As Tom Hill came back from lunch Theo Moore shot him in the chest at close
 Someone else murdered Emily read by means of a poisoned note.
 The Chief of Police was given a new body to go out nd be alive in once more. it
 saved appointing a new one.
 Sunday 20th
 Phil Beadsworth tried to kill Ponsonby. He failed to kill Ponsony, but managed
 to get his throat slit.
 Daniel Angadi and an accomplice went to Tit Hall and shot entirely the wrong
 man called Nick.
 Inspector Teo shot Clive Ponsonby dead in Trinity.
 Monday 21st
 Adam Cohen shot Ralph Anderson in his own room.
 At 9pm  night, the battered and bloody ghost of Ralph Anderson
 staggered into the porters' lodge at Downing and was promptly killed
 again by a poisoned letter.
 Monday 28th
 Daniel Angadi died
 Adam Cohen killed Sergeant Menage with a poisoned letter, stabbed PC Donelly in
 Cockcroft 3, and shot Theo Moore.
 And then there were 3 and the umpires held their breath.
 Friday 2nd
 Adam Cohen shot Nick Haley, who unwisely opened his door while drunk. Later he
 met WPC Izard in the Cockroft lift and chopped her head off.
 The remaining participants in the game then agreed to fight a duel on Clare
 Bridge. The duel went on rather a long time, was watched by both umpires, a
 couple of dozen players, and some bewildered tourists and ended when it was
 popularly agreed that Dave Powell had killed Adam Cohen rather more times than
 he had been killed by him.
 Dave Powell was the winner.
 Adam Cohen gets the Cop-killer award (I think).
 Paul Menage made the first kill.
 The game was umpired by Elizabeth Pringle and Jim Cameron.
 Elizabeth Pringle wrote this inquest. Blame her.

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