University of Cambridge Assassin's Guild
Archived Game News for Lent 1994

Richard Fairhurst umpired this game; David Allsopp emerged victorious.

The news reports below originally resided on the Phoenix mainframe, now deceased (nothing to do with us, honest!). They survived in David Allsopp's killer archive, which then disappeared, but which was eventually recovered with the help of Matthew Wakeling. They were recoded/reformatted into their current form by Ed Nokes.

 Member L94NEWS
 20.40, Thursday 17 February
 Cambridge residents have been outraged by an unexpected wave of killings that
 has hit their pretty little city (ouch!) in the last two days.
   At 10.55 on 16 February, the tranquil calm of the RockSoc pubmeet at the
 Castle Inn, on Castle Hill, was disturbed by notorious psychotic Jim Cameron -
 on bail after his reign of slaughter last term - who shot Anshu Asthana through
 the head. Later that night, Cameron was an accomplice to the murder of Nir
 Leuchter by the previously peace-loving, good-natured and all-round pink and
 fluffy person Tom Forsyth, in famed assassins' paradise Cockcroft 4, which has
 been described by the Baedeker's Guide To Cambridge as "The rough side of the
 city. All sorts of dodgy doings go on there. Avoid at all costs."
   This description was borne out by the shooting of Paul Menage elsewhere in
 the New Museums Site at 10.05am today. The killer has been identified by the
 few witnesses present as Mark Cheverton, the assassin described last year as
 Public Enemy Number One-Or-Thereabouts by the Cambridge Constabulary.
   Cambridgeshire Constabulary have appointed a special task-force to deal with
 the upsurge of violence in the area, consisting initially of PCs Leuchter,
 Menage and Asthana.
   In today's other news, it is feared that the ICI lorry which crashed last
 night on the A45 near Histon may have expelled lethal chemicals in the air.
 There have been numerous reports of foul-smelling substances around, some of
 which have crystallised on peoples' door handles. It is feared that the
 chemical may have fallen into the hands of a dangerous criminal who has been
 sending it at random to the pigeon-holes of students at Cambridge University.
 21.15, Thursday 17 February
 We have learnt of another death by the hand of Jim Cameron. Retired Chief of
 Police, Julian Birch MBE, was killed in the User Area of the New Museums Site
 at around 6pm today without provocation.
   His funeral is to be held in the United Church of Steely Dan tomorrow at 3pm.
 21.35, Thursday 17 February
 News has just come in of another death in the User Area. Mark Cheverton walked
 up to Zinque editor, Colin Bell, and calmly knifed him in the back - motives
 are as yet unknown. It is not certain whether this is part of a grand
 masterplan to take over Zinque which will be followed by the assassination of
 the other Zinque editor, Matthew Slattery.
   Work on Zinque 3 has not been halted as a mark of respect for the deceased,
 but it would have been had it ever been started.
 15.40, Friday 18 February
 The killing spree has continued at an alarming pace in Cambridge. At around
 10pm last night, a tasteless attack was made on the corpse of Colin Bell by
 a suspicious-looking character identified by witnesses as Jim Cameron - who
 was part of a gang of assassins, some of whom have not yet been identified.
 They then retired (via Gardenia's) to the pub, at which point an accomplice
 of Cameron (wanted criminal Tom Forsyth) shot Mike Pitt, who had admitted
 foolishly to an aide of Forsyth's that he intended to kill the Cambridge
 representative of the Australian Fluffy Boatie Company pty. However, Forsyth's
 weapon - believed to be an Uzi (this is Tom Forsyth, what else do you
 expect?) - was not working, which gave Pitt a chance to escape. After a hectic
 chase from the Bath to outside King's College, Cambridge (also the haunt of
 feared assassin Mark Cheverton), Cameron shot Pitt in the arm once, followed by
 a shot through the back by Forsyth. Cambridge Constabulary have responded by
 appointing PC Mike Pitt to the special task-force.
   Tom Forsyth also claimed another victim last night in the shape of Marc
 Harris. No motive has been discerned, except for the diagnosis that Forsyth
 is a dangerous psycho who, er, likes killing people.
   In today's other news, Cambridge Constabulary have reported that their bomb
 squad has been sorely missed of late, with members of the public having to take
 matters into their own hands. Around five explosive devices have been observed
 around Cambridge in the last few days in seemingly unconnected incidents.
 Reports of an exploding bunny rabbit are as yet unconfirmed, and it is
 suspected that such stories are apocryphal variations on the "psycho rabbit"
 motif common in medieval East Anglian folklore.
 17.24, Friday 18 February
 PC Nir Leuchter was wiped out today in cold blood by Jim Cameron, who is
 rapidly becoming Cambridge's Most Wanted Man. Cameron claimed that he mistook
 Leuchter for Alec Gunner of Trinity Hall, who he believes made an attempt upon
 his life earlier today. Mr Leuchter will be sadly missed. (This is not strictly
 true. Nobody has ever missed Mr Leuchter in their life. He doesn't move quickly
   His memorial service will be held in a phone box on Huntingdon Road at a time
 yet to be announced.
 18.10, Saturday 19 February
 Mark Cheverton has claimed another victim. He killed Adam Cohen outside Oddbins
 at 7.20 yesterday night. It is suspected that Cohen's reactions had been slowed
 by alcohol - the postmortem will be assisted by PC Cohen. A representative from
 the feared "Clare mafia" has noted their regret at the death of one of the
 brotherhood*, and it is suspected that they intend to assume the role of
 vigilantes in the killing free-for-all which is showing signs of engulfing
   Elsewhere in Cambridge, Ben Deane was blown to pieces by a large quantity
 of Semtex left outside his window in Emmanuel College. No other damage was
 reported. It is understood that Deane was paranoid in the extreme about someone
 being "out to get" him, to the extent of rigging up a booby-trap on his door -
 which, thankfully, exploded without killing anyone.
   Just before midnight, a stand-off was reported between two people who have
 been identified by witnesses as Chris Brown and Dave Powell. Powell attempted
 to shoot Brown with a small delta, but Brown miraculously managed to survive
 in the ensuing melee. Powell is also understood to be a part of the "Clare
 mafia". The police are appealing for anyone with any information as to the
 nature and membership of this devious group to come forward.
   The bloodshed associated with Clare College also increased with the death
 of Simon Glover, who had been sent a letter containing a small quantity of
 poison gas. Police are currently investigating the theory that his death was
 a coded threat to the Chief of Police, who attended the same school as Mr
   Finally, PC Paul Menage today bravely attempted to disable Mark Cheverton
 in Free School Lane. Unfortunately, lack of police co-ordination meant that
 the roadblocks which normally follow Mr Cheverton's observed movements were
 missing, and the Constable had to hold fire in order to avoid shooting a
 passing cyclist. PC Menage is understood to be hot on Cheverton's trail - we'll
 bring you more news as we have it.
 * Bizarre Love Triangle, All Day Long, Angel Dust, Every Second Counts, State
   Of The Nation, and more classic tracks. Highly recommended.
 18.15, Sunday 20 February
 Psychologists are frantically puzzling over the latest case of madness to hit
 Cambridge - the Chris Brown affair.
   Yesterday evening, on returning from the Union Society, Brown was heard to
 exclaim to his companion Robert Brown (no relation) (probably) "Bet you can't
 guess what I'm carrying!". He then started brandishing "a small handgun" about
 and proceeded to shoot Robert with it. Eyewitness Matthew Slattery was quoted
 as saying "It was so terrible, there was blood everywhere... in the back and
 right through the heart... oh bloody hell I think I'm going to throw up".
   This afternoon, an assailant identified as feared criminal and mafioso Tomaso
 Forsytho approached Chris Brown on Trumpington Street and stabbed him in the
 back. Little more is known. Mr Brown's memorial service is to be held in the
 Church of the AGA Graphics Chipset tonight at 19.30, and is expected to last 13
 hours. The address will be given by PC Chris Brown.
   Yesterday also saw the astonishing death of Mark Cheverton at the hands of
 Paul Menage of Cambridgeshire Constabulary. PC Menage has been widely applauded
 for this heroic act and there are rumours that he is to be awarded the MBE. He
 has also been promoted to Sergeant. Cheverton was shot several times in the
 head and back outside the Kings College cafeteria.
   As part of the police force's new determination to pin down the infamous
 "Clare mafia", PC Cheverton was recruited due to his famed skill with a gun.
 Unfortunately, before he had a chance to act for the good of the nation, Dafydd
 Richards stole up on him in the Turing Room and strangled him with his own
 official-issue police necklace. The Chief Constable of Cambridgeshire
 Constabulary has stated that the issue of such necklaces, usually a handy
 device for keeping keys on, is to be reviewed in the light of this incident.
 Meanwhile, anyone with any information on Mr Richards is asked to contact the
 police urgently.
 15.30, Monday 21 February
 This is the news at 3.30 from ITN.
 BONG! Attempted kill on Jonathan Colvin. Margarine left on the handle of his
  saucepan, which he had foolishly left in the fridge. Police are looking for
 BONG! Paul Menage, rapidly becoming Cambridgeshire Constabulary's most skilled
  officer, knifed feared criminal Dafydd Richards at 9.35 last night in the New
  Museums Site. PC Richards has been appointed as back-up to Superintendent
 BONG! Reports are coming in that an unknown force crediting him/herself only as
  "The Fluffy Pink Bunny" is wreaking havoc on Cambridge residents, putting
  lethal substances on door handles and pushing death-threats under people's
 BONG! Arch-mafioso Don (shurely Tom? - Stewart Purves, ITN) Forsytho slit the
  throat of Giuliano Procida last night in Cockcroft 4, which is to the New
  Museums Site as Plumstead is to London. Mr Procida died instantly. It is
  understood that Forsytho was aided and abetted by his partner-in-crime Gimmo
  Cameroni (shurely maceroni? - Stewart Purves, ITN). Police are appealing for
  help in tracking down the so-called "Clare mafia".
 BONG! The bodies of PC Chris Brown, Robert Brown, Andrew Bolt, and PC Ben Deane
  were found dumped outside Clare College's back gate early this morning. It is
  unknown who is responsible for the killing, but unsurprisingly, the "Clare
  mafia" are suspected. Yet again. Police are mystified as to why someone should
  go to all the trouble of digging up the late Robert Brown from his grave only
  to dump him ignominiously like this.
 BONG! Sergeant (as was) Paul Menage was involved in another encounter last
  night with Forsytho, Maceroni, and an unidentified third person, in the (wait
  for it) New Museums Site. There were no casualties. Civil liberties groups are
  calling for an inquiry into alleged police heavy-handedness in the presence of
 BONG! And finally, Nir Leuchter.
 18.00, Wednesday 23 February
 The Six O'Clock News from the BBC. Today's headlines:
 Police are concerned at the number of attacks on their officers recently. It is
 believed that the Clare Mafia may be behind this campaign of intimidation,
 which manifested itself in an attack yesterday on PC Simon Glover. Meanwhile,
 after an encounter yesterday with PC Dafydd Richards, the police believe that
 they are closing the net on Mafia leader Tomaso Foresight-o.
   Police are searching for David Allsopp, who is believed to be behind the
 explosion at Girton College yesterday evening which killed Daniel Luhde-
 Thompson and two innocent bystanders. If anyone has any information, they
 are asked to contact their local police station so that the information may
 be passed onto PC Luhde-Thompson at Girton Police Station.
   Police are wondering why they never get the definite article in the news.
   The death of Elizabeth Pringle has been reported on Grange Road, Cambridge,
 last night. It is believed that she fired at two men who came to her door
 who then shot back in self-defence. The two men have not been identified.
   Dave Powell, who police suspected of being involved with the Clare Mafia,
 was gunned down this morning in Clare Colony porters' lodge by an assassin
 identified as Louise Rutter. Ms Rutter is being sought to assist police with
 their enquiries.
   The Police Complaints Authority is investigating, er, complaints about the
 behaviour of the, um, police. It is understood that a representative of the
 Clare Mafia displayed unusual concern for the public good in noting the
 possible side-effects of leaving poison in places where anyone could touch it.
   Clare Izard died this morning in Trinity Hall porters' lodge on opening a
 suspect envelope, which police pathologists have identified as containing
 the notorious toxin Talc-M powder. Reports have also been coming in of a
 couple, one male one female, wandering the streets of Cambridge wearing Trinity
 Hall scarves and acting with intent to murder. Any further information would
 be appreciated by the police.
   Some late news. Plaudits are pouring in from all over the country after
 Superintendent - now Inspector - Paul Menage shot Jim Cameron in Clare College
 computer room a few minutes ago. This astonishing death has caught the Clare
 Mafia by surprise, and police believe that they are now close to eliminating
 the danger posed by this organisation. We now move over to a press
   "We believe that, with the shooting of Mr Maceroni, Tomato 'Bruce' Forsytho
 cannot be far behind. We look forward to the day when the threat of the Clare
 Mafia has receded, upon which we believe Cambridge will once again become a
 pleasant and peaceful place, safe for children to grow up in, for people to
 take their dogs out at night, for flowers to flourish and trees to thrive. A
 town in which life can once more bloom to its full expression and the very
 promise of youth will be fulfilled once again. I have a dream...!"
   And the spokesman is being carried off by a couple of police officers - and
 that looks like PC Powell and PC Cameron. At the end of this eventful day, we
 leave you with the news that sales of Valium have gone up dramatically in the
 Huntingdon Road area of Cambridge. Industry observers have pronounced this a
 hopeful sign for the ailing pharmaceuticals industry.
 18.55, Wednesday 23 February
 Newsflash! A dangerous psychopath, identified as Louise MacGregor, has gone on
 the rampage in Cambridge today, killing Ben Jameson, Matthew Slattery and Steve
 Courtney, and injuring Alec Gunner. Citizens are warned to be on their guard at
 all times and not to approach her. The police force, including new recruit
 Matthew Slattery, are investigating possible links with the Clare Mafia. We'll
 bring you more news when we have it.
 19.40, Wednesday 23 February
 PC Matthew Slattery has heroically saved the people of Cambridge by
 shooting Louise MacGregor a few minutes ago. As MacGregor left the toilet
 in the infamous Boulton House, Huntingdon Road, Slattery forgot to
 apprehend her in the name of the law and just shot her instead. He was
 later quoted as expressing police policy as "shoot first, ask questions
   WPC Louise MacGregor has been appointed to the growing team dedicated
 to combatting the menace of the Clare Mafia.
 18.55, Thursday 24 February
 We bring you this special edition of Killer News from our temporary studios in
 the New Museums Site of Cambridge University, as the previous studios were
 blown up early this morning. At approximately 12.30am, a huge explosion was
 observed on Huntingdon Road, reducing Boulton House (familiarly known as BoHo)
 to rubble. There were numerous casualties, including PC Matthew Slattery. Two
 shifty-looking characters were seen leaving the scene shortly afterwards, one
 of them conforming to the appearance of David Allsopp.
   Shortly afterwards, another massive explosion saw the destruction of part of
 Clare Colony. Allsopp is believed to be responsible for this as well.
 Casualties are as yet unknown, but are believed to include new recruit to the
 police force PC Forsyth. This happened shortly after the incredible shooting of
 mafioso Tomaso Ossiboti-Forsythio by Superintendent Paul Menage and PC, now
 Sergeant, Dafydd Richards in the terminal (in more ways than one) room of Clare
 Colony. Their actions have been applauded nationwide.
   Unfortunately, Sergeant Richards was injured in the attack and is currently
 in the intensive care unit of Addenbrooke's Hospital. We'll bring you reports
 on his progress throughout the week. Viewers may be interested to know that the
 memorial service for Mr Psychoforsythio will be held in the Australian United
 Church at Strewthcobber, at 3.30am on Friday.
   In today's other news, a vacancy has arisen for a Groggs editor after the
 brutal murder of Aldabra Stoddart by David Allsopp. Ms Stoddart was cycling
 past the Town and Gown yesterday evening with Martin Hardcastle, believed to be
 Allsopp's intended target, when she was caught by a burst of machine-gun fire
 from the side. This, fairly obviously, caused her to fall off her bike, upon
 which she was mown down by a lorry, which attempted to swerve but just ended up
 crashing into the Town and Gown, killing thirty-two innocent drinkers. (Ok, so
 I made that bit up.) It is intended to hold a two-hour silence on Groggs
 tomorrow, from 7pm, in her memory.
 22.30, Saturday 26 February
 Cambridgeshire Constabulary has declared open season on criminals David Allsopp
 and Louise Rutter after a huge number of attacks on police officers.
   Many officers, such as PC Glover, Sergeant Richards and WPC MacGregor have
 reported attempts on their life after receiving letters containing poisonous
 substances. Renowned police hero Inspector Paul "a trois" Menage was killed by
 this self-same method yesterday. The Constabulary suffered a further loss with
 the death of PC Mike Pitt by a bomb placed outside his room, which exploded
 yesterday morning killing both him and a Churchill College bedder. This comes
 after the report of another attempted poisoning on a Churchill College
 inhabitant: college authorities have stated that they are "dealing with the
 problem", but one policeman was heard to mutter yesterday that "And Richard
 Fairhurst always claims that he's 'dealing' with the Killer news. Yeah, we
 believe you Churchill".
   The poisoned letter sent to Sergeant Richards failed to have any effect due
 to his temporary stay in the Intensive Care Unit in Addenbrooke's Hospital. A
 friend who was collecting his mail for him, James Hopkin, was killed instead.
 Viewers will be pleased to know that Sergeant Richards has made a rapid
 recovery and is now back on active duty.
   Further news on the Clare Colony bomb-blast. It became apparent yesterday
 that PC Jim Cameron was among the dead. His funeral service will be held at the
 Castle Inn at 8.30pm on Wednesday. Music will include Iron Maiden's arrangement
 of the Funeral March together with Metallica playing Bach's Toccata and Fugue
 in D minor.
   Police have also appealed for any clangers in Cambridge to report to Parkside
 Police Station immediately after it was revealed that the poisoned leter sent
 to Inspector Menage contained the message "Regards from the clanger planet". A
 spokesman for the Cambridge Clangers Social Club told us "Ooooo oooo oooo oooo
   Louise Rutter has struck again. She shot previous confidant and close friend
 WPC Elizabeth Pringle at noon on Friday, and followed this up the same evening
 by shooting Philip Fairweather - who was at the time participating in the
 CUDWATS video marathon - through the head, outside Pizza Hut on St Andrew's
 Street. Police have reiterated their warning that she is extremely dangerous
 and should only be approached with extreme care. Our crime correspondent,
 Duncan Campbell, reports. "This is presumably why none of them are
 approaching her...  OUCH!  ". Er, we have to leave Mr
 Campbell there as he seems to have become involved in an argument with several
 policemen. We hope to bring you more from him in a later bulletin.
   Finally, the current whereabouts of David Allsopp remain unknown. It is
 suspected that this manic bomber was responsible for the small device found in
 the pigeon-hole of the late Inspector Menage. Anyone with further information
 is asked to contact senior police officers immediately.
   And that's the news at 10.30. Good night.
   Bloody hell, I'm glad that's over. All this news is tiring me out - pass the
 vodka, won't you?
   What do you mean, they haven't played the theme tune yet? Oh sh...
 21.00, Sunday 27 February
 This is Not The Nine O'Clock News, but, well, it's not far off. Today's
   The intrigue behind the death of PC Mike Pitt has heightened following the
 revelation that the bomb was signed "Best wishes from the Clanger Planet".
 Police have taken twenty Clangers into custody so far today and have
 established roadblocks on all the major routes in or out of Cambridge so that
 all cars can be searched for them.
   The unfortunate death of PC Philip Fairweather has been reported. He
 attempted to shoot dangerous criminal Louise Rutter this morning, but fell prey
 to Cambridge's Most Wanted Man, David Allsopp, a few hours later -
 unsurprisingly, at the New Museums Site. This was later also the scene of the
 killing of Yehuda Simmons, although Simmons did manage to scrape Allsopp's
 wrist in the process - a truly heroic and symbolic gesture in these dangerous
 times. [For Pete's sake, who let an arts student run Killer? - ed.]
   A poisoning has been reported in the rubble of Clare Colony. PC Adam Cohen
 was the latest policeman to suffer a nasty, horrible, vicious and not at all
 nice death, after he experienced that ghastly clinging feeling known only to
 those who have (a) put their hand on a grotty substance on their doorknob, or
 (b) dipped a foot in the River Cam. It is reported that one mourner remembered
 the deceased, a famed Macintosh user, as follows - "We are hoping he will be
 reincarnated as a PowerPC" (ackn. Adam Cohen (decd.)). The criminal responsible
 is unknown, but probably fairly guessable.
   And that's the news. Good night.
 17.45, Tuesday 1 March
 David Allsopp has claimed yet another victim. Martin Hardcastle made the
 foolish mistake of venturing into St John's College computer room on Sunday
 evening, upon which Allsopp whipped out a large hunting knife (it is understood
 that he is currently auditioning for the lead role in Crocodile Dundee 3) and
 stabbed Hardcastle through the chest. In his dying breaths the victim managed
 to heroically knock Mr Allsopp's glasses off, a brave and daring deed which
 will be recorded in the annals as perhaps the only successful act against one
 of the most dangerous killers Cambridge has ever known.
   There have been further reports of attempted poisonings by letter, following
 the recent death of Peter Benie (among others) by the same method. WPC Louise
 MacGregor was also the intended victim of someone who had callously smeared
 banned chemical VA-Seline on her door handle in King's College, but it was
 actually her aunt - who was visiting for the day - who was the actual person to
 die. This is yet further evidence of the increasing workload being put on
 police officers, shown by the tragic suicide yesterday of newly appointed PC
 Yehuda Simmons. Another police victim was PC Benie, whose body was found with a
 bullet through his head yesterday evening in his room in Downing College.
 The identity of the assassin is currently unknown, but police have appealed for
 volunteers to stem the reign of terror which Allsopp and Rutter are wreaking.
   Finally, our Sydney correspondent writes that further losses continue to
 bedevil the notorious Forsythio clan. After the deaths of gangland boss Tomaso
 Forsythio and his relative PC Forsyth in Clare Colony, an airmail letter -
 which had taken ten days to reach Australia - killed infamous Australian boatie
 Tom Forsyth yesterday. His memorial service will be held in Clare College,
 Cambridge, England, in Memorial Court: a new building erected specially in
 memory of the late Forsythios. [Are you sure about this? - ed.]
 15.45, Wednesday 2 March
 Further unprovoked attacks have been reported on policemen and policewomen.
 Yes, again. PC Luhde-Thompson reported receiving a poisoned letter, which
 thankfully he was able to survive. Unfortunately, the same could not be said
 for the late WPC Clare Izard, whose body was found slumped on the floor of
 her room in Trinity Hall - one of the less savoury areas of Cambridge -
 earlier this morning. The assassin has not left any clues as to his or her
   PC Asthana has also reported receiving "a spring-loaded poison capsule
 device", which failed to work due to spring failure (we're moving straight
 onto summer this year - nice weather, isn't it?), and observing a concentration
 of VA-Seline on his door-handle which he removed with the appropriate surgical
 precautions. A police spokesman said that "We are glad that our poisoning
 courses are paying off, but obviously some of our officers are still lacking
 basic sensibilities in gun handling. We hope to remedy this in the next few
 20.05, Thursday 3 March
 The chief press officer for Cambridge Constabulary has issued a statement
 saying "Will whoever is killing our police officers please stop it. It's not
 big and it's not clever." This comes after yesterday evening's shooting of PC
 Martin Hardcastle: witnesses report that the assassin was no less than the
 infamous David Allsopp, who shot PC Hardcastle through the head in Cambridge's
 Silver Street. Cambridge's other most wanted criminal, Louise Rutter, decided
 to fill her day with a trip to scenic pastoral Girton which was livened up by
 her shooting of village bobby PC Luhde-Thompson in cold blood - she callously
 carried out the murder in front of a good friend of the constable. A leak from
 a police source suggests that the Constabulary have been officially advised by
 top brass to "stay in bed" to avoid further bloodshed.
   Two more civilian deaths have been reported, although the identities of the D
 assassins are as yet unknown. The body of James Bullock was found outside his
 room on Monday night, with evidence of poisoning apparent on his door handle -
 a favourite trick of Cambridge's burgeoning criminal community. Another
 standard tactic was used by the killer of Dave Holland: Mr Holland was gassed
 while attempting to remove what seemed like an invitation to St John's May Ball
 from his pigeon-hole in Trinity Hall. "I'm amazed how low some people will
 sink", said the secretary of the Ball committee. Further trouble is expected,
 but the police force has recruited PCs Holland and Bullock in an attempt to
 restore quiet to Cambridge once again.
 13.30, Friday 4 March
 Yet another police death has been reported. WPC Louise MacGregor was shot this
 morning outside her room in King's College. This latest killing emphasises the
 current difficulties for the police in keeping up with the continuing crime
 wave in Cambridge, which was characterised by the shooting of Stephen Early in
 Churchill College. A suspicious figure looking very much like David Allsopp was
 observed a few minutes earlier in the Porters' Lodge asking for the whereabouts
 of Mr Early's room. PC Early will be investigating the death.
   David Allsopp has also proudly announced his responsibility for the deaths
 of Dave Holland and James Bullock recently. Despite the sunny weather, the
 inhabitants of Cambridge seem to be staying indoors with their windows closed
 and their doors bolted. Wonder why?
 11.30, Saturday 5 March
 We regret to inform viewers in this short newsflash of the death of Paul
 Bolchover of Trinity College, Cambridge. Mr Bolchover was killed by a gas
 filling his room identified later by the Police Forensic Division as A-Ir Fresh
 N-er. A neighbour was also killed by the gas.
   PC Bolchover will be investigating whether Louise Allsopp or David Rutter
 [sorry? - ed.] have any connections with the murder.
 01.30, Monday 7 March
 Louise Rutter has died, at the hands of David Allsopp. Allsopp also claimed
 the life of Jeremy Longley of Selwyn College yesterday evening.
   The late Mr Longley was killed by an emission of poison gas linked to a
 deadly trap in his own room, after managing to avoid the VA-Seline derivative
 smeared on his door handle and a small bomb also thought to have been placed
 there by Mr Allsopp. It is believed that Mr Longley was the last target of
 Allsopp's intentions, and his bloodlust is now satisfied.
   An inquiry has begun into the killing of Louise Rutter - whether it was the
 result of failed collusion between the two criminals which turned to enmity,
 or whether Allsopp simply could not cope with the idea of another lethal killer
 in Cambridge who might outdo his record violence. A separate inquiry will
 report on what is already being called the "Arms-To-St John's" scandal in which
 senior members of the government have been implicated.
   Finally, it was reported that Cambridgeshire Constabulary have called off
 their investigation into the murders of the last few weeks in Cambridge, as
 they seem to have dwindled into insignificance recently. It is believed that
 any further murders will be able to be covered under normal police activities.
 The retiring Chief of Police, Richard Fairhurst CBE, praised their courage and
 determination at his farewell speech last night, and spoke movingly of the
 ultimate sacrifice made by those officers who laid down their lives in the
 fight against crime. He concluded by telling the audience that "I hope we have
 seen the last of this sort of violence for a long time - well, until this time
 next term, at least."

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