The news reports below originally resided on the Phoenix mainframe, now deceased (nothing to do with us, honest!). They survived in David Allsopp's killer archive, which then disappeared, but which was eventually recovered with the help of Matthew Wakeling. They were recoded/reformatted into their current form by Ed Nokes.
Member E94NEWS Wednesday, May 18th ==================== Recent suggestions that the Cambridgeshire police force should drastically cut its numbers, due to lack of "business", have been criticised strongly by the city's first female chief of police. Chief Constable MacGregor was quoted as saying "Cambridge may have been quite for a couple of months, but you can bet that now that bunch of thugs that call themselves students have finished there will be trouble" at a recent press conference. Sunday, June 5th - 3pm ====================== * * * * * DOUBLE MURDER - THE BLOOD STARTS FLOWING AGAIN * * * * * The residents of Trinity Hall are still reeling after the shock of two of their most conscientious and hard working students. They have been named as Caroline Roper and Nicholas Reed. Mr. Reed's body was found lying in his bed earlier this afternoon by a visitor. Ms. Roper was shot in broad daylight outside Trinity Hall after working on the Christian Union newsletter. It is thought that this fact is not connected with her death. Tributes to these two most upstanding students have poured in. "She was a pleasant, quiet soul, not in the least a threat to the men of Cambridge" one of her acquaintances, Mr. D. Park said of Ms. Roper in between sobs. Reports of a large proportion of the second year male chemists jumping onto the M11 are probably more to do with their recent exam trauma than Ms. Roper's death, a police spokesman said. The police fear that these deaths may be connected with a new and sinister criminal organisation, as both bodies had 'calling cards' left on them, with the initials 'THM' written on them. Sunday, June 5th - 4pm ====================== * * * * * * GANG LAND WAR THREAT HEIGHTENS * * * * * Cambridge Police are now extremely concerned about the spate of deaths that have occurred today. Two more people were killed in the rampage that cost the lives of Caroline Roper and Nick Reed. A third member of the ill-fated Trinity Hall, Clare Izard, was knifed in the back by someone in the Mond Terminal Room. A Similar fate awaited Ben Deane in the Cockcroft 4 computer laboratory. Both bodies carried the same calling card as the BoHo bodies. The 'Computer Room Murders' were both witnessed by devastated onlookers. The assailants fit the descriptions of Duncano Forsytho and Jono Colvani, two gang land figures suspected of foul play by the police before. Forsytho escaped from Warwick Prison a few days ago and was being sought by special branch. A Reward has been offered for information leading to the arrests of Forsytho and Colvani but it must be stressed that they are both dangerous criminals who should not be tackled by the public. Sunday, June 5th 5.30pm ======================= * * * * * BOMBING SHATTERS ROBINSON * * * * * Another Cambridge college has been brought into the escalating violence that has swept across Cambridge today. At about a quarter to five this afternoon an explosion ripped through F staircase of Robinson College. The occupant of room 8 was sliced by shards of glass from his window shattered by a bomb estimated by police experts to be of about 2000cc in volume. It is thought that Mr. Leuchter did not hear the timing device, an alarm clock, as he was listing to music on his stereo. Once again the sinister 'THM' emblem was found near the body, along with a letter saying 'We know where you lived'. This indicates a connection with the deaths that occurred earlier in the day. With the death toll now at five the police are desperate for information about this organisation. Police have also released further details about the death of Caroline Roper. It transpires that numerous witnesses saw the notorious hitman Chris Benito Brown but were initially too frightened to tell the police about what they had seen. Monday, 6th June - 7.00pm ========================= * * * * * CLARE MAFIA JOINS IN TOO * * * * * News has reached us of the deaths of several people at the hands of one time Clare mafia boss, Jim Cameroni. Cameroni was thought to have given up his life of crime but the three killings witnessed over the last 24 hours perpetrated by Mr. Cameroni shatter this theory. The three dead have been named as: Giuliano Procida - garrotted in the user area of the computer lab. John Joyce - stabbed through the heart beside a Pericom. Diana Galletly - decapitated with a sword in the Clare Mem Court porters' lodge. These killings have added speculation to an mafia war, with each side demonstrating its resolve by cold bloodedly murdering innocent people. Monday, 6th June - 8.00pm ========================= * * * * * ONE MORE FOR THE TH CRIMINALS * * * * * Former Chief of Police, Julian Birch, was killed at 13:15 today by a member of the Trinity Hall Mafia in a walk-by shooting. It is thought this latest killing is part of the terror campaign being waged by the college-based gangs. He died at the cross-roads joining Magdelene Street and Castle Street, with any number of witnesses present. A criminal psychologist stated that she thought the gangs would try to outdo one another in the outrages they would attempt to perpetrate on the deceased's corpse. Monday, 6th June - 8.45pm ========================= * * * * * MYSTERY DEATH - MAFIA LINK UNCERTAIN * * * * * Philip Fairweather has been gunned down in St. Catharine's College bar. Mr. Fairweather was shot in the back as he was ordering a drink by an as yet unknown attacker. A police spokesman said that no witnesses had been able to identify the gunman, and that anybody with information should contact them. Chief Inspector Fairweather is to be in charge of the investigation. Tuesday, 7th June - 1.15am ========================== * * * * * TH MAFIA WIPED OUT * * * * * A vicious gun fight earlier this evening has wiped out a large part of the infamous Trinity Hall Mafia. Earlier this evening two of the TH mafia were leaving their hideout of BoHo. Chris Benito Brown and Jono Colvani were attacked by David Allsopp and a number of his accomplices. As Brown left BoHo Allsopp's as yet unnamed accomplice shot him in the back. Investigating Brown's disappearance Colvani and an accomplice circled BoHo. Colvani saw one of Brown's attackers and chased him across a field with Allsopp in pursuit. Allsopp shot Colvani literally a fraction before Colvani's finger pressed the trigger of his own carefully aimed weapon. While Allsopp was examining the body of Colvani he was in turn shot in the back by another gunman, feared to be an as yet unidentified member of the TH Mafia. Police are hopeful that the devastation brought on the TH mafia will avert the blood feud between them and the infamous Clare gang. Tuesday, 7th June - 8.15pm ========================== * * * * * POLICE ATTACKER DIES * * * * * A bizarre series of events today has lead to the death of Elizabeth Pringle, one of Cambridge's leading underworld figures. She attempted to shoot Chief Inspector Fairweather in the User Area but only managed to wound him. She escaped leaving her victim bleeding from the arm. Later, Chief Inspector Fairweather - heroically back on duty just a few hours after his wounding - was walking along Pembroke street looking for Pringle when he saw her cycling along. He shot her fearing that she would attempt to finish the job that she had done earlier. An enquiry is to be set up into alleged police 'Shoot to kill' policies following this incident. Tuesday, 7th June - 9.50pm ========================== * * * * * ANOTHER MYSTERIOUS DEATH * * * * * News has just reached us of another inexplicable death. Paul Bolchover of Trinity College was gunned down in his room by an unknown attacker at about ten past six this evening. More details will be brought to you when they are known. Wednesday, 8th June, 5.50pm =========================== * * * * * POLICE OFFICER SHOT DEAD * * * * * Detective Constable Paul Bolchover of the Cambridge force has been shot dead in his own kitchen. His body was found by a startled bedder earlier today. She could not bring herself to comment on the death, and just sobbed when asked to tell us what happened. No-one saw the murder but a mafia connection is feared by the police. The police have been quite concerned about possible intimidation by the mafia after recent gang land attacks and they fear that this is just the start of it. * * * * * MAFIA-STYLE 'EXECUTION' IN GRANGE ROAD * * * * * News of another police murder has just reached us, WDC Elizabeth Pringle was shot dead in her own bed last night by a gang of attackers. According to eyewitness Louise Rutter, the assassins were 'three men in evening dress.' The men, identities as yet unknown, gained access to the victim's house, probably by means of some unsuspecting occupant unaware of the danger in which she was placing WDC Pringle. They then proceeded to enter the room of the victim, who was in bed at the time, and 'stand around looking menacing and waving enormous guns about.' At this time it is not known exactly what the men wanted, but it is suspected that they may have been after concessions or protection of some description. It was at this point that Miss Rutter, hearing voices and knowing that WDC Pringle had intended to be in bed by this hour, entered the room. She was waved against the wall as the men demanded a decision from their victim. But the valiant policewoman was not to be intimidated. 'Coolly' they then opened fire and filled her and the bed with 'enough lead to re-line the roof of Westminster Abbey.' Police confirm that the victim was found, in bed, riddled with bullets and wearing a black satin negligee. 'It was a horrible sight' said one investigating officer. 'And the wounds were pretty bad too.' Miss Rutter relates that the killers then left through the front door, without attempting to molest any other occupant of the house. At this point in her testimony she broke down completely and started mumbling incomprehensibly about 'style:' she is currently receiving treatment at Addenbrooke's for shock. A police spokesman today refused to comment on the possibility of a connection with the fearsome and fluffy Clare Mafia, but was quick to denounce all speculations that WDC Pringle may have been a 'bent copper' who met her fate as a result of attempts to sever links with the group. Allegations that an anonymous note was delivered to Cambridge police station this morning reading simply 'There is only one way to leave the Mafia' have also been hotly denied. The funeral will be held at the Church of the LaserQuest in Bradwell's Court at 7:30pm next Tuesday, where mourners will commemorate her life and works by attempting to shoot hell out of each other with unrealistic guns. Music will include great arias from Puccini, sung by Jon Bon Jovi, and Albinoni's Adagio with Joe Satriani on lead guitar. She will be sorely missed. * * * * * PUNT MEET DISASTER * * * * * On top of the ever growing violence in Cambridge, another even more terrible incident has occurred. A group of contributors to the 'UCAM.CHAT' group of the Internet's 'usenet' were punting to Granchester for a quiet drink earlier this afternoon when they were set upon by the Trinity Hall mafia. Two men meeting the descriptions of Mattaius Slatteroni and Ricardo 'The Fish' Fairyousio (according to eye witness descriptions) ambushed one of the punts between Cambridge and Granchester killing everybody in it. They initially attempted to bomb the punt but this missed and just blew a hole in the side of it. They then opened fire with heavy machine guns - spraying the punt with bullets. Their attack on one of the hapless punters, Ashnu Asthana, was so brutal that they blew his head completely away. This incident has shattered hopes that the deaths of Colvani and Brown earlier this week had destroyed the Mafia. Wednesday, June 8th - 6.10pm ============================ * * * * * MORE MAFIA MURDERS * * * * * Jimo Cameroni, of the Clare Mafia, has claimed another victim. He chopped the head off Rob Wilcox in J staircase of Clare Mem Court earlier today. This was witnessed by a number of people, indicating that Cameroni now believes himself to be beyond the law. He must be caught by the police force before he kills yet more innocent victims. Friday 10th June ================ Returning from recent treatment for shock your news team is here with more bloodcurdling news. 1) Murder on King's Parade One of Cambridge's most picturesque streets has acquired a new red tinge on Wednesday night as the Clare Mafia decided to paint the town red. The first bodies to be found were those of Dave Holland and his companion Clare Izard (an innocent victim) who were brutally gunned down in front of a shocked public . The assassins were identified as the feared men Jimo Cameroni and Thomasso Forsythio and their new deadly accomplice Luisa Rutta. They later were seen shooting at Austin Donnely who provoked them by carrying a machine gun openly and his companion Ms Blazely, yet another innocent victim of this tragic war. The mafia then abandoned their positions and Rutta and Forsythio saw Det. Sergeant C. Brown on Magdelene street. They gave chase and on hearing his name he made his fatal hesitation, this cost him his life. 2) Later that night Mark Cheverton was seen mutilating an innocent bystander in the User Area, the body is still unidentified as the pathologist was taken ill at the sight of it. 3) On Thursday the police found yet more bodies, the first to be found were those of Peter Benie and Chief Inspector P Fairweather as well as that of the innocent victim Richard Watts, no witnesses have identified the killers. 4) Mass slaughter at Boho Cambridge's rival mafias finally clashed last night at the hideout of THM on the distant planes up Huntingdon Road. Maffia boss Slatteroni was enjoying a quiet cup of tea in DC. Colvin's room when the Clare Mafia stormed the building. Alerted by the sound of guns being loaded they saw Riccardo Fairyousio outside armed with a machine gun. As the attackers approached there was a shoot-out but nobody was killed or badly injured. The armies regrouped and sometime later as Riccardo went to get essential rations Slatteroni made his move. Creeping behind the pillar, at this point the Clare mafia advanced. Colvin attempted to kill Cameroni as Forsythio went for Slatteroni . Cameroni killed Colvin and Slatteroni lost his right hand to Forsythio, he bravely fought one handed but was killed as he tried to unlock his lair. 5) Murder in Cockroft 4 As if not satisfied by their earlier efforts Cameroni later decapitated Robert Brown and the corps was further mutilated by Rutta just to be on the safe side. 6) Murder in the Mond DC Holland was decapitated in the Mond Room along with all 7 witnesses. Police suspect mafia involvement. 7) Inquiry into police Scandal DC Allsopp has been suspended from the Cambridge Constabulary for shooting a bystander outside John's Library. There are calls for a public inquiry into the death. Saturday, June 11th, 6.45pm =========================== * * * * * TRAGIC DEATH OF PHYSICIST * * * * * One of the university's best known and best loved physicists, Mark Cheverton, has tragically died today. Much as it is nice to actually report a death that isn't tied in with the spree of murders in Cambridge we can but feel sad about the loss of this man. Mark was staggering along Trinity Street after finishing his recent finals (A reaction displayed by many of those who have just finished part II NatSci without being turned into a cabbage) when he got hit by a tour bus. Tragically this killed him. His funeral will be held in the Cockroft lift next Sunday. * * * * * FOUR MORE MYSTERIOUS MURDERS * * * * * The bodies of four men have been found in various parts of Cambridge. Paul Menage was found dead in Trinity Lane (between Cauis and the Old Schools) with gun wounds in his back. Adam Kilgour was gunned down whilst walking through St. John's College. It is not currently known whether these incidents were linked although initial police investigations would indicate that they were not. The third and fourth bodies were found dumped in a wheely-bin in mill road. They had also suffered gun shot wounds. One has been identified as that of Danny Lhude-Thompson, police have not been able to identify the other as yet. * * * * * POLICE OFFICER REINSTATED * * * * * DC David Allsopp has been reinstated following a government inquiry. Allsopp was alleged to have been involved in a police 'shoot to kill' policy when he shot an innocent man outside St. John's college library. The commission investigating this incident has, however, found in Mr. Allsopp's favour. Justice Elma Trout, head of the inquiry, said of the incident "The Cambridge police have a lot of problems at the moment, particularly with the Clare gang on the loose. Allsopp was just acting as he saw best, the result was tragic". Human rights activists are said to be very unhappy with this outcome and may well try to contest it in a civil case. Sunday, 12th June - 6.00pm ========================== * * * * * LAST OF TH MAFIA DIES * * * * * The last surviving member of the Trinity Hall mafia has been shot today. Ricardo Fairyosio attempted to kill Jimo Cameroni in the User Area, but Cameroni was ready for him. He chased Fairyosio through the Cockcroft building but Fairyosio, not used to the door at the foot of the stairs, fumbled while opening it and was shot in the back by Cameroni. It is hoped that this incident hails the end of the Mafia wars in Cambridge. Fairyosio's funeral would have been held in the Application Centre, but it has gone bust, so it will now be held in the Cambridge AppleCentre. * * * * * DOUBLE KILLING IN QUEENS' ROAD * * * * * At arround midnight last night the Clare Mafia executed two more people. Austin Donnely and Own Dunn were walking along Queens' Road when the met Forsytho, Cameroni and Rutteri who leapt out of the bushes by the path and gunned them down. Not content with shooting the victims the mafia then proceeded to behead them. Wednesday, June 15th - 7.45 pm ============================== * * * * * MAFIA BOSS ATTACKED * * * * * The Clare Mafia boss Jimo Cameroni was attacked by an unknown assailant using hand grenades. Cameroni narrowly missed being killed in the attack which wounded his body and right arm. He was able to return fire with his machine gun using his right hand but failed to hit his attacker. * * * * * POLICE KILLING * * * * * Detective Richard Fairhurst was killed on Tuesday Morning shortly after returning from Grantchester after the Clare College May Ball. The mafia hit man Adam Cohen stabbed Fairhurst in the back after they both got off a coach returning from the Granchester Tea Rooms where Fairhurst and Cohen had been enjoying breakfast following the ball. Quite why Mr. Fairhurst had been associating with Cohen is unknown, but it is thought that he may have been working under cover in an attempt to infiltrate the infamous Clare gang. * * * * * MAFIA HIT-WOMAN DIES * * * * * Louisa 'Cottontail' Rutteri, the notorious mafia hit-woman has been shot dead. She was killed by an assassin fitting a similar description to the one who attempted to kill Cameroni a couple of days earlier. This death is a huge blow to the Clare Mafia. A spokesman for the Mafia has stated that Rutteri's death will be avenged. * * * * * MATHS SOCIETY PUNT DEATHS * * * * * The Clare Mafia have attacked the New Pythagorean's punt party. They managed to kill a number of people including DC Benie. Cambridge police are warning students not to risk going punting until the mafia activity has stopped. * * * * * MYSTERIOUS VIRUS KILLS STUDENTS * * * * * A number of students have fallen foul of a mystery virus that has hit the university over the last day. The following students have so far died from this illness: Tim Clapp St. John's College Clare Izard Trinity Hall James Bullock Fitzwilliam College Lucy Burrows New Hall