University of Cambridge Assassin's Guild
Inquest into Lent 1993 Game

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Member L93INQ
 Okay, first of all, a number of you will be wanting to know precisely who was
 told to kill who.
 Here's the list:
 Martin Hardcastle (MJH22)
 Duncan Forsyth (DF10003)
 Jon Knight (JMAK1)
 James Bullock (JB10010)
 Ian Bache (ICB1000)
 Nir Leuchter (NL105)
 Paul Bolchover (PB10003)
 David Taylor (DJT1000)
 Robert Carver (RSC1004)
 Jim Cameron (JC10007)
 Chris Carr (CC112)
 Simon MacGregor (SM10009)
 Ian Wells (IJW11)
 Matthew Finlayson (MCF14)
 Chris Brown (CPB1001)
 The list of deaths is quite complicated. My apologies for any errors, it got
 incredibly complicated.
   The first person to die was Ian Wells, who hadn't realized the game had
 started. He was shot through his letter box by Simon MacGregor, his assassin.
 Meanwhile, Duncan Forsyth had demonstrated that his ability as an undercover
 agent was nil and Jon Knight sent off poison letters to both his target, James
 Bullock and his assassin, Duncan.
   Later that day, Richard Fairhurst died in what was to become one of the many
 deaths in Trinity Hall. What had happened was that Duncan had trapped the
 letter-box in his door against tampering. Sadly, Richard attempted to return a
 screw-driver through it and blew himself up. Duncan went on to the wanted list
 and Martin Hardcastle figured he just had to wait.
   The next day, the first of many shoot-outs in Trinity Hall occured between
 Simon and Duncan. Duncan's description of his assailant contained the immortal
 line "May be a mathmo."
   Matthew Finlayson placed a large bomb in Chris Brown's pigeon-hole along with
 a vibration-sensitive detonator. Setting it up must have been a nightmare, and
 it was pretty undefusable. Chris himself, however, was wandering up Churchill
 way in an attempt to kill Martin. Martin, with the help of Aldabra Stoddart,
 shot Chris in a rather messy gunfight. The bomb that would have almost
 certainly have killed Chris and any number of innocent bystanders instead just
 killed innocent bystanders. Matthew went on the wanted list.
   Late that night, Robert Carver was shot outside his room by Dave Taylor.
   The next day, a chase around the streets of Cambridge involving Ian, Robert,
 Chris and Duncan occured. Duncan got away and later shot Chris in Free School
 Lane. Chris commented "I'm not very good at this, am I?" Regrouping, Ian and
 Robert asked Jim Cameron along. They applied contact poison to Duncan's and
 Matthew's doorknobs and left a few other traps. Later that day, Nick Reed
 visited Duncan and fell foul of the contact poison. Jim went onto the wanted
 list, Ian and Robert were suspended from duties.
   Jon's letter to Duncan finally made it through ICMS. It had leaked and so Jon
 joined the criminals. His letter to James was more successful. All the
 non-criminal players breathed a sigh of relief, Duncan reloaded his gun.
   At this point traps came into their own. Not one of the many attempts were
 successful, but not for want of trying. Assassins often made the fallacious
 assumption that a given person was out simply because they failed to answer the
 door (giving rise to one amusing incident where Matthew was notifying me as
 Ian, Jim and Robert were trying to smear his doorknob with contact poison.) In
 one case, the assassin assumed the intended victim was asleep and set a trap
 that proved easily defusable by the late-night-party-goer.
   Ian Bache tried to kill Duncan. He failed, killing Ben Jameson as well. By
 this stage, nearly half the players were wanted. Around midnight, Simon tried
 to kill Paul Bolchover. The reason for this is somewhat amusing. Paul had asked
 Chetan Radia where one could find Garden Hostel, Kings. Chetan then proceeded
 to tell both David and Simon that Paul was their nemesis.
   Duncan attempted to kill both Paul and Ian with the use of contact poison and
 poison gas. Several bedders died. Matthew Finlayson tried to poison Simon and
 David. Simon's letter was intercepted by Vicki Rimmel. Dave survived, having
 succeeded in reading the none-too-subtle message left inside. Matthew was
 clearly slipping - five kilo bombs marked DIE SUCKER had also proved to be his
 forte. Paul wondered if his bedders air freshener counted as poison gas. I
 assured him that any choking sensation he might experience was not part of the
   Martin attempted to kill Jon in the Cavendish Vendearea. At this point I made
 an error of judgement and announced Jon dead, a decision I later retracted. I
 hope that the outcome of the game was unaffected by this. Jon is reported to
 have said "You are dead meet sucker - I will not give you another chance".
 Martin replied "We'll see". Jon died at the hands of Martin the next day in a
 shoot-out in the New Hall toilets. What an awful place to die...
   Jim sent poison letters to Chris Carr, Duncan, Dave and Matthew. Matthew got
 sloppy and expired. The others survived. Jim had misposted Duncan's letter to
 Dan Fish, saving Duncan the effort of being careful around the pigeon-hole
 room. Jim joined the wanted list.
   Dave Taylor then told Jim that Chetan Radia was his assassin. Jim proceeded
 to blow Chetan away in Clare Buttery. Jim was none too pleased to discover
 that, not only was Chetan not in fact his assassin, he wasn't even playing. Jim
 announced that Dave was `next'.
   Dave was indeed `next', although he did not die at Jim's hands. Paul
 Bolchover garotted his partner whilst playing bridge on the DECs in Cockroft 4.
 His triumph was short-lived, however, as he fell foul of an absolutely huge
 bomb in Angel Court, Trinity that Sunday. My description of the effect of the
 bomb was inaccurate (it took out half of Cauis as well) but this had no bearing
 on the game. Ian also died in this explosion; Duncan hid in Cockroft 4 just in
   Two days later, the Pizza Crawl occured and Nir bought it. I recieved a whole
 series of quite amusing messages on the subject which, sadly, have been lost. I
 was really quite surprised he survived so long.
   Jim was really getting into his stride by this stage, and took out Nir and
 Dave in Cockroft. He later got involved in a rather messy shoot-out in Cockroft
 4 with Duncan. I spent over a day trying to adjudicate it. Just to make sure,
 they both killed Paul.
   Colin Bell decided to kill himself. It is thought he was unsuccessful. Duncan
 killed Matthew Slattery for no apparent reason. He went on to kill Matthew
 Finlayson in what must have been one of the easiest kills of the game.
   Simon and Duncan decided to terminate at least one of their careers by the
 simple expedient of having a shoot-out in LaserQuest. Duncan lost. Everyone
 went down and we stopped worrying about it.
 Awards in no particular order:
 The Dan Quayle Award for Competence: Duncan Forsyth
 The John Kennedy Award for Survival: Ian Wells
 The Strictly Ballroom Award for Making Me Laugh: The whole of Trinity Hall
 The Nero Award for Moderation: Duncan Forsyth and Matthew Finlayson
 The West Midlands Serious Crime Squad Award: Ian Wells and Robert Carver
 The Maurice Ward Award for Invention: Simon MacGregor
 Special Award for Resurrection: Jon Knight
 The Julian Birch Award for Being A Lousy Bridge Partner: Paul Bolchover
 The James Bond Award for the First Kill: Simon MacGregor
 The Dario Fo Award for Accidental Death: Richard Fairhurst
 The Queen's Award for Technology: Matthew Finlayson
 The Easter Island Award for Accessibility: Chris Carr
 The Judas Iscariot Award for Loyalty: Chetan Radia
 The Baby Seal Award for Going Down With A Fight:
                                         Ian Bache and Matthew Finlayson
 Award for Twenty Years Distinguished Service on the Force: Chris Brown
 The Hiroshima Award for Retaliation: Martin Hardcastle
 The Assonance Award for Being A Useful Literary Device:
                                         Detective Inspector James Bullock
 The Norman Lamont Award for Intelligence: Nir Leuchter
 The Lord Denning Award for Adjudication: Julian Birch

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