University of Cambridge Assassin's Guild
Archived News for Easter 1993 Game

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Member E93NEWS
 12.05, Saturday 5 June
 The editors of Varsity have expressed their concern that Cambridgehas been too
 quiet lately. "Everyone thinks we stopped for exams", an anonymous hack told
 our investigator, "but in fact there haven't been any issues of Varsity
 recently because nothing has happened. I wish Cambridge wasn't so quiet in
 the summer."
 22.15, Saturday 5 June
 The blissful peace of a sunny summer's day in Cambridge was shattered today by
 two grisly deaths within the University. In the first of these, well-known
 Cambridge socialite Nir Leuchter was brutally garrotted by an assassin on a
 stairwell in the New Museums Site.
   Eye-witness statements were taken, and a match was made between these and
 the police record of Mr. Colin Bell. "I wouldn't have thought it of Colin,"
 said one friend who for obvious reasons declined to be identified. "He has
 been known for occasional outbursts, but he's generally just such a placid
 lad - sit him in front of a BBC in the User Area and he's happy. I can't
 think what brought it on."
   Another death was reported from Trinity College, where the notorious killer
 Paul Bolchover took the life of David Walker, both of Trinity College. It is
 understood that Bolchover's attack was a carefully-planned set-up, in which
 the late Mr. Walker was persuaded to give some pens to his would-be assassin
 to avoid losing them in a post-exam celebration at the local hostelry. When
 Walker returned to collect the pens, Bolchover shot him in the small of the
 back - taking his victim completely unawares. Police are playing down rumours
 that David Walker had a drink problem which may have led to unawareness of
 a dangerous situation.
   Cambridgeshire Constabulary has assigned two officers to investigate the
 case and if there is any relation between the attacks, namely Sergeants
 N. Leuchter and D. Walker. The police are also reported to be keeping a close
 watch on events in Trinity Hall, a neighbouring college to the site of this
 afternoon's trouble, due to its reputation for volatility in such situations.
 One college member, Duncan Forsyth, has informed the police of a death threat
 being etched into his door earlier today. Police sources suggest a largely
 unsympathetic response.
 23.00, Saturday 5 June
 A newsflash has just reached us concerning an attempt on the life of Adam
 Cohen, a student at Clare College, Cambridge. Mr. Cohen, a decent law-abiding
 citizen, was surprised on his return to his room to observe a booby trap
 planted above his door: 1lb (estimate) of plastic explosive, which had been
 unsuccessfully refashioned into the shape of a toilet roll, was hooked up to
 a mechanism detecting the opening of the door. Mr. Cohen was able, with the
 help of a friend, to carefully defuse the device and enter his room safely.
   "Why I should be the victim of such an unprovoked attack I have no idea,"
 he claimed in response to this act of aggression. Police have been put on the
 case and have pleaded with Adam Cohen not to retaliate in anger. It is
 understood that he will be taking his case to the college authorities with a
 demand for round-the-clock protection.
 16.15, Sunday 6 June
 Police suspicions were confirmed last night when Duncan Forsyth claimed his
 first victim. While sitting at a pub in Grantchester, Forsyth suddenly lost
 his cool and attacked Jonathan Colvin, of Trinity Hall, Cambridge, simply
 because he was fidgeting with an elastic band. Reliable eyewitnesses have
 stated that the deceased was not using the elastic band in any way which could
 be construed as dangerous and seemed to have no intention whatsoever of using
 it as a weapon.
   It is thought that Forsyth may have carefully considered his actions and
 carried them out as an attempt to maintain his notorious image. "You see, he
 just vants to be known as ein criminal, ja?" psychologist Dr. Hans Krieger
 told us. "He is perfectly avare of vot he iss doing and vants the whole vorld
 to come and k-nock on his door." Police have appealed for help from the public
 in tracking down Forsyth, but have issued a warning that he is extremely
 dangerous and not to be approached unarmed.
 13.48, Monday 7 June
 A wave of bloodshed engulfed Cambridge last night in some of the most horrific
 scenes to be seen in the city since last term.
   The violence began at around 9.15 on Sunday evening, when Tim Roddis was
 witnessed attacking Colin Bell over the head with a cosh in the User Area,
 the trendy hang-out for Cambridge's top compscis. Although Mr. Roddis's attempt
 to kill Mr. Bell failed, the victim suffered slight injuries to his left ear
 and shoulder, and was rushed to Addenbrooke's where a brief examination
 pronounced him fit.
   However, this was not the end of the night's surprises, as the New Museums
 Site became the location for a vicious attack by feared assassin Mark
 Cheverton. His first assault, at around 1.30am, was on Paul Bolchover, who it
 is believed was unarmed. Bolchover was at the time logged on via the Telnet
 gateway and was caught completely unawares. His funeral will be held on
 Tuesday at 3.30pm in the Mond Room.
   Cheverton's next victim was Jim Cameron, formerly of Clare College,
 Cambridge. Witnesses have reported that Cameron took the initiative in
 attempting to kill Cheverton, but was cornered by a volley of grenades and
 was quickly blown to pieces before he had a chance to shoot Cheverton with
 the large gun he was observed to be carrying.
   Police have warned the public that Cheverton is the most dangerous criminal
 to have set foot in Cambridge for many weeks, and should not be approached
 under any circumstances. Constables Paul Bolchover and Jim Cameron will be on
 his trail: the police have stated that the public will be kept aware of all
 16.37, Monday 7 June
 Duncan Forsyth claimed his second victim today, in the person of Adam Cohen of
 Clare College. The killing happened in a lightning shoot-out in Cohen's own
 kitchen, where Forsyth was understood to be experimenting with some substances.
 The forensic department of the police are at present attempting to determine
 whether these substances were of a narcotic nature or were intended to be used
 as contact poison.
   Cohen was killed by a bullet lodged in his brain after a quick exchange of
 bullets, in which Forsyth proved to be the more adept with a gun. However, his
 killer claimed (in a note acknowledging responsibility for the killing) that
 Adam "was a brave adversary and a worthy opponent".
   Melvyn Bragg declined to comment on rumours that LWT are considering the
 purchase of television rights to "It Wasn't Me! - the life story of Duncan
 00.07, Wednesday 9 June
 In our late bulletin tonight we can report that Mark Cheverton has continued
 to wreak havoc on the usually peaceful and amiable community of Cambridge
   He killed Sergeant Nir Leuchter, a well-loved and "cuddly" police personality
 who had a deep place in many people's hearts. One person who knew Nir told us
 today "Nir was a unique character. Whether he was talking about sex or talking
 about sex, he was always talking about sex. Make no mistake, there was only
 one Nir Leuchter - thank God. Hey, you're not going to print this are you?"
 A memorial service for ZSECTION AEROBICS (shurely shome mishtake? - ed.) will
 be held in the Church of Zinque 3 ("We never cease to believe, our faith never
 wavers") today at 11am.
   In another tragic death, John Sloan was killed after becoming involved in
 the shady world of "The Organisation". It is understood that a contract for
 his life was fulfilled by Giuliano Procida, quickly and efficiently, at 5.37pm
 yesterday evening in the by now notorious User Area on Pembroke Street,
 Cambridge. When asked whether there were any plans to close the User Area to
 prevent a reoccurence of such killings, or if SECURIC would be joined by an
 army of nine other SECURICs, a Computing Service advisor told us "Bog off you
 obnoxious little twerp. You think I'm going to help you? I've got much better
 things to do with my life, like be rude to people all day and get paid for it.
 Now go and play with your terminal you crappy nerd."
   The Cambridgeshire Constabulary later held a press conference as a response
 to this latest set of deaths. There have been numerous promotions of the few
 surviving officers investigating the case, and PC John Sloan has been added to
 the team with "special responsibility for patrolling the User Area". However,
 Conservative back-benchers have already called these measures "inadequate" and
 have demanded that the Home Secretary act now to equip all police officers with
 small tactical nuclear weapons to combat any further incidents in the Mid-
 Anglia region - "it's the only language they understand".
 17.47, Wednesday 9 June
 A shoot-out between police and criminal master-mind Mark Cheverton ended early
 this morning with no clear outcome.
   The first battle occurred shortly after midnight and involved Sergeant Jim
 Cameron, Sergeant Adam Cohen, Mark Cheverton, Tom Forsyth and David Brown.
 During a confused fight, Mr Forsyth (no relation) sustained a blow to the
 stomach but no other injuries were noted. After a brief hiatus, the battle
 recommenced in the nearby Sidgwick Site, where a tense period of stalking and
 observation followed. Although Sergeant Cameron attempted (by means of a
 grenade) to kill Cheverton, by 3.10am there was still no decisive outcome and
 the participants returned to their homes.
   The police are reported to be "disappointed" with the outcome of the night's
 action and may be expected to step up action against Cheverton in the coming
 20.37, Thursday 10 June
 Despite hopes that the wave of violence which has engulfed Cambridge recently
 might be ending, today has seen an otherwise unparalleled occurrence of deaths
 and assaults in Britain's Fourth Favourite Tourist Location (source: Reader's
   The first victim of the day's madness was Julian Birch, a resident of Sidney
 Sussex College, Cambridge. After an unsuccessful attempt to kill him by means
 of poison, an assassin identified as David Allsopp shot him through the head
 on X staircase in Sidney - close to the home of the late Mr Birch. On examining
 his room, police stated that "he is believed to have been the mastermind behind
 the outbreak of violence last term". The Cambridgeshire Constabulary have spent
 a large part of the afternoon consoling a distraught Sally Maughan, also of
 Sidney Sussex.
   A memorial service will be held in the Church of Group Theory tomorrow at
 midday. Meanwhile, the police investigation into the case continues, which is
 being led by Deputy Chief Constable J.M. Birch.
   Other news today: it is suspected that a member of the public is taking the
 law into his own hands, as the two notorious criminals Mark Cheverton and
 Duncan Forsyth both reported receiving poisoned letters this morning. The
 letters were labelled "UMS" and delivered in a white envelope. However, both
 survived the attack by opening the letter with extreme care - gloves and
 gCas-mask -and forensic evidence suggests that the letters may have lost a
 large amount of their original impact. They showed signs of having been soaked
 with some liquid which had dried out by the time their recipients found them.
   Forsyth survived another attack today, by Jonathan Colvin at 2pm in Trinity
 Hall computer room. He was slightly injured in the arm, but was otherwise
 unharmed. Forsyth followed this with a revenge attack later this evening, in
 which Colvin successfully evaded him - Forsyth was carrying an automatic
 pistol. Mr Colvin has lodged a formal complaint with the Constabulary about
 "the lack of policing in and around Trinity Hall - known to be a favourite
 haunt of this infamous criminal". He stated that he would not be worried if he
 needed to take the law into his own hands.
   Mr Stephen Mawhinney of Selwyn College was rushed to Addenbrooke's Hospital
 today suffering from radioactive poisoning, a result of radioactive toxins
 being placed on his door handle. However, a few minutes after admission,
 Mawhinney broke free through the window and his whereabouts are now unknown.
 Doctors give him no more than two days to live.
   Also in Selwyn, Andrew Martin noted an attempted kill by contact poison
 placed on his door knob. However, the Selwyn authorities had foreseen the
 possible problems caused by the admission of, in the words of the Junior
 Bursar, "certain undesirable elements" to the university in the past few years,
 and had fitted many rooms with doors which need not be opened by simply
 grasping the handle in the usual way. Selwyn JCR declined to comment on the
 basis that it was going through one of its periodic abolition-reinstatement
   Finally, Mr Martyn Lewis has expressed his disappointment at the reporting of
 Cambridge events in Killer News. At a press conference today, he asked "Why
 can't we have more happy news? I saw a lovely family of ducklings on the Cam
 today. Let's have an account of their life story instead of the gory doings of
 Duncan Forsyth and Mark Cheverton, who nobody is interested in anyway." The one
 journalist present, from the Cambridge Evening News, was quoted as saying
 00.07, Friday 11 June
 Tonight's late bulletin: the latest on Black Thursday. Four more victims have
 been claimed to add to the unbelievable amount of violence that has occurred
   The first death, and possibly most spectacular, was that of arch-criminal
 Duncan Forsyth. He was shot by Sergeant Jim Cameron of Cambridgeshire
 Constabulary at around 10pm outside The Mill hostelry, by the River Cam.
 Forsyth simply went to the toilet in the pub, and on returning across the
 bridge to the meadow where he was drinking with some friends, he was caught
 unawares by Sergeant Cameron. There has been universal praise for Sergeant
 Cameron's brave and courageous action, and it is understood that the Queen
 is considering him for inclusion in the next New Year's Honours List.
   The three other deaths were those of Jonathan Colvin, Chris Brown and
 David Allsopp. Colvin and Brown were engaged in a joint operation to murder
 Allsopp, and succeeded in planting a movement-sensitive detector on his door.
 They were then surprised by Mr Allsopp, who let rip with his trusty automatic
 gun, and the motion-sensitive bomb was duly triggered killing all three and
 most of C staircase, Cripps Court, St John's. (Damage suggests a 23-yard
 blast radius.)
   Challenged about the unacceptable happenings of what will forever be known
 as Black Thursday, a police spokesman said "We are aware that this must never
 be allowed to reoccur. We have embarked on a major recruiting drive, which has
 already manifested itself in the persons of PCs Allsopp, Brown, Colvin and
 01.09, Friday 11 June
 Using advanced computer surveillance technology (as well as Phoenix), a team
 of police officers (comprising Jim Cameron, Chris Brown, David Allsopp, and
 Jonathan Colvin) tracked down infamous criminal mastermind Mark Cheverton
 to an area around the Cockcroft building a few minutes ago. The team
 observed Cheverton climbing over the front gate as they were observing the
 Corn Exchange St entrance. A stand-off ensued, during which a team of (one)
 Securicor guard, using advanced computer surveillance technology (as opposed
 to Phoenix), made a discreet request - on the suggestion of Cheverton - to
 the police officers to bugger off somewhere else, there's a good chap. A
 formal complaint has been lodged with the Computing Service by the Chief of
 Police and it is understood that a kilogram of heroin may shortly be
 "discovered" in Barry Landy's office.
   The police officers then fled, hotly pursued by Cheverton, who pinned them
 down in the Corn Exchange St stairwell. A shoot-out followed, during which
 Constables Brown and Allsopp sustained minor wounds to the arm. They have
 been discharged from Addenbrooke's Hospital and pronounced "fit for duty,
 well, as much as anyone is fit for this sort of duty..."
   In the ensuing chase, Cheverton was lost in an alley-way by King's College,
 and the search suspended temporarily. A press conference is expected to be
 held later this morning.
 02.33, Friday 11 June
 The aftermath of Black Thursday has resulted in the death of Public Enemy No.
 One, Mark Cheverton.
   An intensive police stake-out operation involving Officers Jim Cameron,
 Jonathan Colvin, Adam Cohen, Duncan Forsyth, David Allsopp, and Chris Brown
 was carried out around Clare Memorial Court, following a set-up by PC Forsyth
 in which he arranged to meet Cheverton (who did not realise that Forsyth was
 a member of the police force). The police presence was about to collectively
 depart and had assembled at the gate when Cheverton arrived, unsuspectingly,
 at the front gate. He was then encircled by the various officers and, after
 dodging grenades, was shot by Cohen in the back (described as "the safe way"
 by PC Forsyth).
   A memorial service will be held in the lift of the New Museums Site, between
 floors 3 and 4, at 3.10am on Saturday. The address will be given by
 23.42, Friday 11 June
 It has come to light that, at 2am this morning, another victim was claimed
 to add to the horrific amount of deaths yesterday/early this morning. Chris
 Carr was killed by a poison letter, which caught him unawares and completely
 exhausted. His subtle, understated contributions to the popular discussion
 forum Groggs will be very much missed, and it is hoped that a new sage will
 emerge to fill the gap left by the departure of this exalted luminary (who
 writes this stuff? - ed.).
   Except for the incidents early this morning, today has been quiet. It is
 felt that the strength of the police force (twelve members, including the
 new recruit PC Carr) is now sufficient to deal with any threat from the
 criminals who are currently not causing any problem at all in Cambridge. A
 police spokesman was quoted as saying "This is dead boring. Gimme some
 gratuitous violence and an excuse to beat people over the head any day. Whoops
 what a giveaway."
 00.00, Saturday 12 June
 After a determined struggle against radiation poisoning, Stephen Mawhinney of
 Selwyn College, Cambridge, passed away a few minutes ago. British Nuclear
 Fuels Ltd have denied any responsibility.
 16.28, Saturday 12 June
 Cambridgeshire Constabulary has suffered its most grievous day so far. Six
 police officers have been killed today, including PC Jameson, who had only
 been appointed to the case early this morning.
   At around 12.15am, PC Jonathan Colvin was garotted in Trinity Hall computer
 room by Matthew Slattery. His accomplice, Ben Jameson, and him then hid out in
 Slattery's room for a while, while police reinforcements were gathered. Jameson
 then made a dash for his room, but was heroically distracted half-way there
 by a fire in a friend's room which he attempted to put out. Elaine Hill, whose
 toaster had caught fire, is understood to be "recovering" from the effects of
   After having helped extinguish the blaze, Jameson was then involved in a
 shoot-out with Officers Cohen, Forsyth, and Allsopp. The police operation
 caught him by surprise by shooting him in the back immediately he stepped out
 of Q staircase, Trinity Hall.
   The force (now including PC Jameson) then went to try to storm Matthew
 Slattery's room. Unfortunately, this attempt was unsuccessful, and an all-
 night stake-out was called off after a few hours. This proved to be the
 police force's biggest mistake of the night.
   At 9.40am, Superintendent Cohen was shot in the head by Slattery in Clare
 College, after having gone to collect his exam results. Shortly after this,
 Slattery knocked on Jameson's door with the words "Hello. It's Alec", a well-
 informed plan to impersonate PC Jameson's friend Alec Gunner. Upon opening the
 door (he had just got out of bed), PC Jameson was shot to pieces.
   Also killed by Slattery was Sergeant Duncan Forsyth, who was blown apart
 by a 9000cm3 bomb placed outside his room - it exploded at 10.51am. On
 arrival at the scene, police observed that a large number of innocent victims
 had also been killed, including other residents of N staircase as well as
 Nick Reed.
   News has also come in of the death of Deputy Chief Constable Julian Birch.
 We'll bring you more news as we have it.
   Asked to comment on this assault on the police's manpower, a police spokesman
 (we eventually managed to find one still alive after 2 hours) said that
 "Slattery is an exceptionally dangerous criminal who must be stopped before
 he can kill any more police officers. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgghh...  "
 16.49, Saturday 12 June
 News has been received of another death by the hand of Matthew Slattery.
 PC Chris Brown, also of Trinity Hall, Cambridge, was killed on returning in
 a "slightly inebriated" state from Robinson May Ball last night. He placed his
 hand on his door knob, which was covered in contact poison, and died
 instantly. Police are asking anyone who has any information as to the
 whereabouts of Mr Slattery to contact them urgently.
 00.09, Sunday 13 June
 A heroic act by Sergeant David Allsopp has saved the police force from
 further devastation. Matthew Slattery, just before 7pm yesterday, was on his
 way to watch "Shelley" at Sidney Sussex with a gang of fellow social reprobates
 and misfits. However, he was surprised by Sergeant Allsopp who killed him with
 a well-aimed shot from his pistol. There has been universal praise for
 the Sergeant's action, and no disturbances are expected in Cambridge for the
 next few days as there are no currently wanted criminals.
 00.38, Sunday 13 June
 We now have an exclusive report on the extraordinary happenings in the User
 Area, Pembroke Street, Cambridge. Well-respected citizen Colin Bell appears to
 have developed a thirst for blood, and killed several people - amongst them
 Jon Knight, Clive Jones and PC John Sloan.
   Jon Knight was killed by the unusual method, also attempted last night by
 Matthew Slattery, of using a poison-tipped umbrella. The murderous Mr Bell
 carried out this execution five minutes after having seen him and his
 girlfriend leaving the User Area lift. He then proceeded to kill PC John
 Sloan, who as a member of the Constabulary should have been taking a keen
 interest in these events, with the same umbrella. Bell was quoted as saying
 that "being observant is a good move for the police force".
   Meanwhile, some poison gas which had been released by Bell had reached the
 nose of Clive Jones. He died instantly. Work on Zinque 3 has been halted
 (shurely shome mishtake - ed.) as a mark of respect for the late Mr Jones.
 His memorial service will be held at the Church of the Almighty ARM tomorrow
 afternoon, at 2.30.
   It is understood that Bell was planning more murders, but that the assembled
 public fled before he could continue wreaking havoc. Asked for a comment on
 this latest set of deaths, the head of Cambridge University Computing Service,
 Dr. Hartley, told us "Thank God that Clive Jones fellow has gone. He was always
 making himself a pain in the behind in SUGGEST and such things. Oh, you want
 to know what we're going to do about the deaths? Sorry, no comment."
 21.52, Sunday 13 June
 Colin Bell, Cambridge's Most Wanted Criminal, has been killed.
   At around 4.30 this afternoon, he encountered Superintendent Paul Bolchover
 in Trinity Street and attempted to garotte him. However, Superintendent
 Bolchover was wearing the emergency-issue goggles issued by Cambridgeshire
 Constabulary yesterday, and the garotte caught on them - hence missing his
 neck completely. Colin Bell then fled into N staircase of Trinity College's
 Whewell's Court, followed by Bolchover (after he had re-armed). Bell's
 attempt at ambush failed, and before he could kill Superintendent Bolchover
 with his favoured weapon (a poison-tipped umbrella), Bolchover shot him
 twice - once through the leg and once through the head. Bell's accomplice,
 Robindra Bhattacharyya, unfortunately escaped in the melee.
   Trinity authorities are reported to be delighted that the threat to their
 prestigious May Ball has been removed. A college spokesman announced that the
 Ball would be going ahead, but that police protection has been arranged. The
 first policeman on duty will be PC Colin Bell.

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