University of Cambridge Assassin's Guild
Inquest into Easter 1993 Game

( News | Mail | Inquest )

Member E93INQ
 KILLER, EASTER 1993 - THE INQUEST   ("chaos strikes back...")
 This is not meant to be an accurate record of the events of the game  of
 Killer  at  the  end  of  the Easter term, 1993. It is meant to be a few
 lines to get Jim  Cameron,  Tom  Forsyth,  Matthew  Slattery  and  other
 assorted  miscreants  off my back. I really haven't a clue about most of
 what went on in the last game and fully  suspect  that  not  many  other
 people  have.  Corrections will be (a) welcomed and (b) ignored, in that
 Ideally, this should be read in conjunction with  the  mail  transcripts
 from the game.
 Richard Fairhurst (umpire, Easter 1993) 9 February 1994
 This  was  never  going  to be a normal game of Killer. For a start, its
 timing - immediately after the exams  -  implied  a  greater  degree  of
 frustration  and  aggression for the participants to take out. This also
 led to a couple of rule-changes, most significantly:
 * A kill must be attempted every four days. (Not every four minutes,  as
   Matthew Slattery attempted to interpret it.)
 * As people's exams finished on different dates, players  joined  in  at
   different times during the game.
 * To speed up the game, assassins' names were  made  known  as  soon  as
   they killed someone. (Translation: Esteemed  Umpire  interprets  rules
   spectacularly wrongly. Oops.)
 Lots of attempts were made to guess who was actually  playing,  none  of
 which  were wholly right. Here's the complete alphabetical list. This is
 probably wrong, too.
 David Allsopp      DNA1000
 Colin Bell         CRB11
 Julian Birch       JMB29
 Paul Bolchover     PB10003
 Chris Brown        CPB1001
 David Brown        DAB13
 Jim Cameron        JC10007
 Chris Carr         CC112
 Mark Cheverton     MAC18
 Adam Cohen         ALC1001
 Jonathan Colvin    JJC1001
 Duncan Forsyth     DF10003
 Marc Harris        MRH22
 Ben Jameson        BFJ1000
 Jon Knight         JMAK1
 Nir Leuchter       NL105
 Andrew Martin      ACM1001
 Stephen Mawhinney  SJM1003
 Puneeta Mongia     PM10000
 Giuliano Procida   GPP10
 Matthew Slattery   MJS1006
 John Sloan         JS138
 David Walker       DJW1004
 The original sequence of targets (generated using the  cutting  edge  of
 technology - a BBC Master) was as follows:
   JMAK1   > CC112   > DF10003 > ALC1001 > MAC18   > PB10003 > DJW1004
 > JC10007 > MRH22   > CRB11   > NL105   > JMAK1
 The game started on Saturday 5 June 1993, with Trinity RAG (in the  form
 of  Colin Bell and Paul Bolchover) getting their Sponsored Slaughter off
 to a fine start. This was notable for upholding  the  ancient  Cambridge
 tradition  that  Nir must be killed within several hours of the start of
 each game. Meanwhile, someone threatened to kill Duncan Forsyth, and was
 thankful  to  get away with their life after venturing near his infamous
 door (cf previous game of Killer). At the  time,  Forsyth  was  probably
 rigging  up  a bomb - in the shape of a toilet-roll - above Adam Cohen's
 door. Cohen was later heard to claim "Why I should be the victim of such
 an  unprovoked attack I have no idea". It was later revealed that he had
 signed up for Killer thinking it to be a Scottish dancing course.
 Forsyth's next move was to shoot Jonathan Colvin with an  elastic  band.
 Colvin was not actually playing at the time, and it was later discovered
 that this assassination attempt was nothing to do with Killer whatsoever
 but an independent activity sponsored by New Hall JCR.
 This was about the time of the appearance of  Mark  Cheverton's  KILLWHO
 command.  Most  users  made the mistake of confusing its actual meaning,
 which was, of course, to enable Mark to find out  who  to  kill.  Around
 then,  Tim  Roddis  tried  to  beat  Colin Bell up in the User Area. The
 motive for this is still unknown, but is  believed  to  be  one  of  the
 a) He thought that Bell was actually a visiting Vendepac technician.
 b) He had not worked out how to use the Phoenix MAIL command,  so  could
    not ask the umpire how to join.
 c) Is hitting Colin Bell over the head not a perfectly normal pastime?
 d) He is a paranoid egomaniac (cf D. Forsyth) who  wanted  his  name  in
 e) He wanted to confuse the umpire.
 On the 7th, thanks  to  the  first  of  Mark  Cheverton's  many  valiant
 attempts,  Paul Bolchover and Jim Cameron kicked the bucket. In the User
 Area. The bucket was then  moved  back  next  to  the  Vendepac  by  the
 Securicor  guard,  who  didn't fancy clearing up any mess. This was also
 the day that Duncan Forsyth managed to kill Adam Cohen in  the  victim's
 kitchen.  Forsyth was quoted as calling Cohen "a worthy opponent", which
 is the Killer equivalent of "an easy target".
 By the 8th of June, with a load of new players, the sequence of  targets
   JMAK1   > CC112   > DF10003 > PM10000 > SJM1003 > GPP10   > JS138
 > MAC18   > MRH22   > CRB11   > JMAK1
 Surprise of the day came on the 8th. Most people had forgotten that  Nir
 was  still alive as a policeman - the very concept of Nir surviving more
 than a day in any role is strange enough. Mark Cheverton wiped out this,
 er,  worthy  opponent  in  Addenbrookes. There is no truth in the rumour
 that it was in fact a  generous  and  considerate  case  of  euthanasia.
 Meanwhile,  Giuliano  Procida became involved in the game and caused the
 umpire untold heartbreak by having a horribly  difficult-to-spell  first
 In the early hours of the 9th, a battle took place in the  dark  of  the
 Sidgwick  Site  between  famous  cop  duo  Cameron  and Cohen (move over
 Crockett and Tubbs, your time is up) and  arch-criminal  Cheverton.  Tom
 Forsyth  and  David  Brown  (DFRB1, not DAB13) also joined in, which was
 quite a ruddy achievement as neither were actually playing.  (This  type
 of  fight  has  since  become  known as a Roddicism.) We can exclusively
 reproduce a fragment of the  conversation  from  that  evening's  battle
 ATF:  "Hey, Jim, is that you?"
 JC:   "Yeah, Tom, it is. Where's Mark?"
 ATF:  "Dunno. Is that him over there?"
 (Meanwhile, elsewhere in Sidgwick...)
 MAC:  "Is that you, David?"
 DFRB: "Mark?"
 MAC:  "Yes, it's me. Seen Cameron anywhere?"
 DFRB: "No, have you?"
 MAC:  "No."
 (and so on, for several pages.)
 Dawn on the 10th saw the following two independent line-ups:
   JMAK1   > CC112   > DF10003 > PM10000 > SJM1003 > GPP10   > DAB13
 > MAC18   > MRH22   > CRB11   > JMAK1
   JJC1001 > ACM1001 > CPB1001 > DNA1000 > JMB29   > JJC1001
 Julian Birch, as a previous Killer umpire, would be  a  prime  candidate
 for  Cunning  Player  of  the Year 1993. Well, at least that's what your
 naive current umpire thought. Julian promptly bought it at Nir the speed
 of  light  thanks to David Allsopp. Ah well, thinks the umpire, I'm sure
 it's only a temporary aberration, and promptly gives Mr Birch the status
 of Deputy Chief Constable. Oops.
 Elsewhere,  Colin  Bell had been sending nasty letters (actually, I'd be
 quite pleased to receive  a  letter  covered  with  face  cream  from  a
 supervisor.  It  would  make a change from "Where's my essay? Why didn't
 you turn up yesterday?") through the post to, and I quote:
 "Messrs Knight, Roddis, Cheverton and Roddis."
 Aaargh! Sound the alarm! There are TWO Tim Roddises about!
 Jonathan Colvin  shot  Duncan  Forsyth.  Duncan  Forsyth  shot  Jonathan
 Colvin.  Neither  were  particularly successful. Puneeta Mongia poisoned
 Stephen Mawhinney's door-handle with radioactive toxins, and no, I don't
 know  exactly  how (that's the last time I let natscis join in a game of
 Killer). Jon Knight attempted to send Chris Carr a perfumed letter,  but
 the  latter  thought  it  was  just  another letter from one of his many
 adoring female (Groggs-reading) fans.
 And then Duncan Forsyth bought it. The "Trinity Hall mafia", in  a  rare
 period  of non-complete paranoia, had wandered down to the Mill. Forsyth
 was sipping a pint, the umpire was playing the  accordion,  Forsyth  was
 downing  his  pint  even  more quickly to avoid the cacophony by sinking
 into oblivion, and so on. This rapid intake of drink caused him to  need
 the  toilet,  so  he  went.  As chance (or fate) would have it, Sergeant
 Cameron was in the vicinity at the time. A rather  sozzled  Forsyth  was
 astonished  to  feel a blast in his right ear. His comment later was "At
 least it prevented me from being able to hear that sodding accordion".
 Jonathan  Colvin,  Chris  Brown,  and  David  Allsopp  sportingly  wiped
 themselves  out  to  give  the poor old umpire a bit less to worry about
 administering. By the end of the game, all he was  administering  was  a
 large shot to his own arm and several quadruple vodkas.
 Early on the 11th, SECURIC attempted a Roddicism, Cheverton attempted to
 redecorate the New Museums Site a nice shade of red, and a large  number
 of  cops  attempted to avoid being used as the latest shade in the Dulux
 Summer Collection. In  fact,  they  (Cameron,  Colvin,  Cohen,  Forsyth,
 Allsopp,  and Brown, Chartered Accountants. Er, no, forget the last bit)
 eventually managed to shoot Cheverton  thanks  to  a  set-up  by...  er,
 Duncan  Forsyth.  How Mark Cheverton managed to miss the most remarkable
 piece of news in the whole game is a mystery, but it is believed that he
 was concentrating on Scottish dancing at the time.
 Chris  Carr  received  his  perfumed  letter and died. Stephen Mawhinney
 eventually died from radiation poisoning.
 No, nothing else happened.
 Boring, isn't it?
 Around midnight on the 12th of June, Matthew Slattery  and  Ben  Jameson
 decided  they  wanted to play. Slattery shot Jonathan Colvin, who earned
 the distinction of being the only person ever to die three times in  one
 game of Killer. The quickly mobilised police force of Cohen, Forsyth and
 Allsopp wiped out Jameson with speed, and Slattery  avenged  his  friend
 Jameson's  death  by shooting Cohen at 9.40am. Slattery then avenged his
 friend Cohen's death by shooting Jameson. Next he avenged  his  personal
 quest for fame and glory by blowing up Sergeant Forsyth. Later that day,
 he avenged the death of the Amiga as a serious computer  by  killing  PC
 Brown  with  contact  poison.  He  was only caught off-guard by Sergeant
 Allsopp the following day, on the  way  to  watch  "Shelley"  at  Sidney
 Sussex.  This was shortly after Julian Birch had dropped dead again. The
 moral of the story: Sidney is bad for you, folks. Avoid at all costs.
 In a similar vein, Colin Bell killed Jon Knight, John  Sloan  and  Clive
 Jones.  (The  latter  wasn't playing, of course, but who's complaining?)
 Superintendent Bolchover shot him the next day, Sunday 13  June.  Andrew
 Martin, at a similar time, shot Marc Harris, and two days later, Puneeta
 Mongia. And that was it.
 Got all that?
 1.  Was Nir's death a Bell-End?
 2.  Why does Nir bother?
 3.  Do you think that Duncan Forsyth is safe in Warwick?
 4.  Does Duncan Forsyth think that Duncan Forsyth is safe in Warwick?
 5.  Do you think that you are safe with Duncan Forsyth in Warwick?
 6.  Is Killer just a good excuse to beat up people at random, never mind
     whether they're playing or not? (cf Colvin, Jones)
 7.  Do you realise that if (sorry, "when") you  do  that  in  this  game
     the umpire will look severely upon your case?
 8.  Do you think that SECURIC would make a better umpire?
 9.  Spot the odd one out: shouting "I am playing Killer" from  the  roof
     of King's College Chapel, sitting in the middle  of  the  User  Area
     with a big sign on your back saying "Shoot  me",  being  at  Trinity
     Hall, using Mark Cheverton's KILLWHO command, moving to Australia.
 10. Did you understand any of the above?
 The Graham Taylor Award for Extraordinary Incompetence in the Course  of
   Duty: Nir Leuchter.
 The Duncan Forsyth  Award  for  Being  Duncan  Forsyth:  Duncan  Forsyth
   (runner-up: Mark Cheverton).
 The St. Rumwold Award for Brevity of Life: Ben Jameson.
 The Ice-T Cop Killer Award: Matthew Slattery.
 The Herpes Award for Flawed Technology: Mark Cheverton.
 The Oliver Reed Award for Lurking Around Pubs: Jim Cameron.
 The Mike Oldfield Award  for  Unexpected  Dramatic  Personality  Change:
   Colin Bell.
 The Cold Fusion Award for Scientific Innovation: Puneeta Mongia.
 The Eddie Edwards Special Career Award for Going Downhill: Julian Birch.
 Special Commendations for  Valour  Beyond  the  Course  of  Duty:  David
   Allsopp, Jim Cameron, Paul Bolchover.
 The John McEnroe Umpire Appreciation Trophy is awarded to Richard

Guild Homepage / The Archive / Easter 1993 / Inquest
Please email the maintainer with any comments about the site.