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Member E93INQ KILLER, EASTER 1993 - THE INQUEST ("chaos strikes back...") --------------------------------- THE DISCLAIMER This is not meant to be an accurate record of the events of the game of Killer at the end of the Easter term, 1993. It is meant to be a few lines to get Jim Cameron, Tom Forsyth, Matthew Slattery and other assorted miscreants off my back. I really haven't a clue about most of what went on in the last game and fully suspect that not many other people have. Corrections will be (a) welcomed and (b) ignored, in that order. Ideally, this should be read in conjunction with the mail transcripts from the game. Richard Fairhurst (umpire, Easter 1993) 9 February 1994 THE PREAMBLE This was never going to be a normal game of Killer. For a start, its timing - immediately after the exams - implied a greater degree of frustration and aggression for the participants to take out. This also led to a couple of rule-changes, most significantly: * A kill must be attempted every four days. (Not every four minutes, as Matthew Slattery attempted to interpret it.) * As people's exams finished on different dates, players joined in at different times during the game. * To speed up the game, assassins' names were made known as soon as they killed someone. (Translation: Esteemed Umpire interprets rules spectacularly wrongly. Oops.) THE PLAYERS Lots of attempts were made to guess who was actually playing, none of which were wholly right. Here's the complete alphabetical list. This is probably wrong, too. David Allsopp DNA1000 Colin Bell CRB11 Julian Birch JMB29 Paul Bolchover PB10003 Chris Brown CPB1001 David Brown DAB13 Jim Cameron JC10007 Chris Carr CC112 Mark Cheverton MAC18 Adam Cohen ALC1001 Jonathan Colvin JJC1001 Duncan Forsyth DF10003 Marc Harris MRH22 Ben Jameson BFJ1000 Jon Knight JMAK1 Nir Leuchter NL105 Andrew Martin ACM1001 Stephen Mawhinney SJM1003 Puneeta Mongia PM10000 Giuliano Procida GPP10 Matthew Slattery MJS1006 John Sloan JS138 David Walker DJW1004 THE GAME The original sequence of targets (generated using the cutting edge of technology - a BBC Master) was as follows: JMAK1 > CC112 > DF10003 > ALC1001 > MAC18 > PB10003 > DJW1004 > JC10007 > MRH22 > CRB11 > NL105 > JMAK1 The game started on Saturday 5 June 1993, with Trinity RAG (in the form of Colin Bell and Paul Bolchover) getting their Sponsored Slaughter off to a fine start. This was notable for upholding the ancient Cambridge tradition that Nir must be killed within several hours of the start of each game. Meanwhile, someone threatened to kill Duncan Forsyth, and was thankful to get away with their life after venturing near his infamous door (cf previous game of Killer). At the time, Forsyth was probably rigging up a bomb - in the shape of a toilet-roll - above Adam Cohen's door. Cohen was later heard to claim "Why I should be the victim of such an unprovoked attack I have no idea". It was later revealed that he had signed up for Killer thinking it to be a Scottish dancing course. Forsyth's next move was to shoot Jonathan Colvin with an elastic band. Colvin was not actually playing at the time, and it was later discovered that this assassination attempt was nothing to do with Killer whatsoever but an independent activity sponsored by New Hall JCR. This was about the time of the appearance of Mark Cheverton's KILLWHO command. Most users made the mistake of confusing its actual meaning, which was, of course, to enable Mark to find out who to kill. Around then, Tim Roddis tried to beat Colin Bell up in the User Area. The motive for this is still unknown, but is believed to be one of the following: a) He thought that Bell was actually a visiting Vendepac technician. b) He had not worked out how to use the Phoenix MAIL command, so could not ask the umpire how to join. c) Is hitting Colin Bell over the head not a perfectly normal pastime? d) He is a paranoid egomaniac (cf D. Forsyth) who wanted his name in :KILLER:NEWS. e) He wanted to confuse the umpire. On the 7th, thanks to the first of Mark Cheverton's many valiant attempts, Paul Bolchover and Jim Cameron kicked the bucket. In the User Area. The bucket was then moved back next to the Vendepac by the Securicor guard, who didn't fancy clearing up any mess. This was also the day that Duncan Forsyth managed to kill Adam Cohen in the victim's kitchen. Forsyth was quoted as calling Cohen "a worthy opponent", which is the Killer equivalent of "an easy target". By the 8th of June, with a load of new players, the sequence of targets became: JMAK1 > CC112 > DF10003 > PM10000 > SJM1003 > GPP10 > JS138 > MAC18 > MRH22 > CRB11 > JMAK1 Surprise of the day came on the 8th. Most people had forgotten that Nir was still alive as a policeman - the very concept of Nir surviving more than a day in any role is strange enough. Mark Cheverton wiped out this, er, worthy opponent in Addenbrookes. There is no truth in the rumour that it was in fact a generous and considerate case of euthanasia. Meanwhile, Giuliano Procida became involved in the game and caused the umpire untold heartbreak by having a horribly difficult-to-spell first name. In the early hours of the 9th, a battle took place in the dark of the Sidgwick Site between famous cop duo Cameron and Cohen (move over Crockett and Tubbs, your time is up) and arch-criminal Cheverton. Tom Forsyth and David Brown (DFRB1, not DAB13) also joined in, which was quite a ruddy achievement as neither were actually playing. (This type of fight has since become known as a Roddicism.) We can exclusively reproduce a fragment of the conversation from that evening's battle here: ATF: "Hey, Jim, is that you?" JC: "Yeah, Tom, it is. Where's Mark?" ATF: "Dunno. Is that him over there?" (Meanwhile, elsewhere in Sidgwick...) MAC: "Is that you, David?" DFRB: "Mark?" MAC: "Yes, it's me. Seen Cameron anywhere?" DFRB: "No, have you?" MAC: "No." (and so on, for several pages.) Dawn on the 10th saw the following two independent line-ups: JMAK1 > CC112 > DF10003 > PM10000 > SJM1003 > GPP10 > DAB13 > MAC18 > MRH22 > CRB11 > JMAK1 and... JJC1001 > ACM1001 > CPB1001 > DNA1000 > JMB29 > JJC1001 Julian Birch, as a previous Killer umpire, would be a prime candidate for Cunning Player of the Year 1993. Well, at least that's what your naive current umpire thought. Julian promptly bought it at Nir the speed of light thanks to David Allsopp. Ah well, thinks the umpire, I'm sure it's only a temporary aberration, and promptly gives Mr Birch the status of Deputy Chief Constable. Oops. Elsewhere, Colin Bell had been sending nasty letters (actually, I'd be quite pleased to receive a letter covered with face cream from a supervisor. It would make a change from "Where's my essay? Why didn't you turn up yesterday?") through the post to, and I quote: "Messrs Knight, Roddis, Cheverton and Roddis." Aaargh! Sound the alarm! There are TWO Tim Roddises about! Jonathan Colvin shot Duncan Forsyth. Duncan Forsyth shot Jonathan Colvin. Neither were particularly successful. Puneeta Mongia poisoned Stephen Mawhinney's door-handle with radioactive toxins, and no, I don't know exactly how (that's the last time I let natscis join in a game of Killer). Jon Knight attempted to send Chris Carr a perfumed letter, but the latter thought it was just another letter from one of his many adoring female (Groggs-reading) fans. And then Duncan Forsyth bought it. The "Trinity Hall mafia", in a rare period of non-complete paranoia, had wandered down to the Mill. Forsyth was sipping a pint, the umpire was playing the accordion, Forsyth was downing his pint even more quickly to avoid the cacophony by sinking into oblivion, and so on. This rapid intake of drink caused him to need the toilet, so he went. As chance (or fate) would have it, Sergeant Cameron was in the vicinity at the time. A rather sozzled Forsyth was astonished to feel a blast in his right ear. His comment later was "At least it prevented me from being able to hear that sodding accordion". Jonathan Colvin, Chris Brown, and David Allsopp sportingly wiped themselves out to give the poor old umpire a bit less to worry about administering. By the end of the game, all he was administering was a large shot to his own arm and several quadruple vodkas. Early on the 11th, SECURIC attempted a Roddicism, Cheverton attempted to redecorate the New Museums Site a nice shade of red, and a large number of cops attempted to avoid being used as the latest shade in the Dulux Summer Collection. In fact, they (Cameron, Colvin, Cohen, Forsyth, Allsopp, and Brown, Chartered Accountants. Er, no, forget the last bit) eventually managed to shoot Cheverton thanks to a set-up by... er, Duncan Forsyth. How Mark Cheverton managed to miss the most remarkable piece of news in the whole game is a mystery, but it is believed that he was concentrating on Scottish dancing at the time. Chris Carr received his perfumed letter and died. Stephen Mawhinney eventually died from radiation poisoning. No, nothing else happened. Boring, isn't it? Until... Around midnight on the 12th of June, Matthew Slattery and Ben Jameson decided they wanted to play. Slattery shot Jonathan Colvin, who earned the distinction of being the only person ever to die three times in one game of Killer. The quickly mobilised police force of Cohen, Forsyth and Allsopp wiped out Jameson with speed, and Slattery avenged his friend Jameson's death by shooting Cohen at 9.40am. Slattery then avenged his friend Cohen's death by shooting Jameson. Next he avenged his personal quest for fame and glory by blowing up Sergeant Forsyth. Later that day, he avenged the death of the Amiga as a serious computer by killing PC Brown with contact poison. He was only caught off-guard by Sergeant Allsopp the following day, on the way to watch "Shelley" at Sidney Sussex. This was shortly after Julian Birch had dropped dead again. The moral of the story: Sidney is bad for you, folks. Avoid at all costs. In a similar vein, Colin Bell killed Jon Knight, John Sloan and Clive Jones. (The latter wasn't playing, of course, but who's complaining?) Superintendent Bolchover shot him the next day, Sunday 13 June. Andrew Martin, at a similar time, shot Marc Harris, and two days later, Puneeta Mongia. And that was it. Got all that? REVISION QUESTIONS 1. Was Nir's death a Bell-End? 2. Why does Nir bother? 3. Do you think that Duncan Forsyth is safe in Warwick? 4. Does Duncan Forsyth think that Duncan Forsyth is safe in Warwick? 5. Do you think that you are safe with Duncan Forsyth in Warwick? 6. Is Killer just a good excuse to beat up people at random, never mind whether they're playing or not? (cf Colvin, Jones) 7. Do you realise that if (sorry, "when") you do that in this game the umpire will look severely upon your case? 8. Do you think that SECURIC would make a better umpire? 9. Spot the odd one out: shouting "I am playing Killer" from the roof of King's College Chapel, sitting in the middle of the User Area with a big sign on your back saying "Shoot me", being at Trinity Hall, using Mark Cheverton's KILLWHO command, moving to Australia. 10. Did you understand any of the above? THE AWARDS The Graham Taylor Award for Extraordinary Incompetence in the Course of Duty: Nir Leuchter. The Duncan Forsyth Award for Being Duncan Forsyth: Duncan Forsyth (runner-up: Mark Cheverton). The St. Rumwold Award for Brevity of Life: Ben Jameson. The Ice-T Cop Killer Award: Matthew Slattery. The Herpes Award for Flawed Technology: Mark Cheverton. The Oliver Reed Award for Lurking Around Pubs: Jim Cameron. The Mike Oldfield Award for Unexpected Dramatic Personality Change: Colin Bell. The Cold Fusion Award for Scientific Innovation: Puneeta Mongia. The Eddie Edwards Special Career Award for Going Downhill: Julian Birch. Special Commendations for Valour Beyond the Course of Duty: David Allsopp, Jim Cameron, Paul Bolchover. The John McEnroe Umpire Appreciation Trophy is awarded to Richard Fairhurst.