PLAY 1

Some Ladies and Gentlemen of the Coffeetable Discipline of Ping--Pong assembled in the environs of the Bar-room circa eight pm. This required them entering their names on the Ladder and Playing Best Out Of Seven. Next door, in the Senior Pantry, the Diogenes Club sat to the occasional harrumph or hum of the courteous Telegraph Reading Classes. A latecomer, smelling of Ginger--Cake, challenged the Ladder-Leader for the Right to Close the meeting. The Illuminati deny this was their first move to World Supremacy, that they infiltrated, no, indeed constitute the shadowy SZS, and that they also infiltrated, no, founded the Diogenes Club. They also deny there were three corpses in or near the Bar--Room in no time at all. The challenger won the right to close, live and kill, while the short moustacioed continental gentleman in the corner showed that his 'at did not only serve to cover his shiny oomorphic upstairs. His victim, a Mr Will Dyson, appears to have been in the process of deploying a futuristic ping-gun. The second corpse was found to belong to Sergeant Yukkon. The RCMP will be holding a large public wake tomorrow. But most outrageously, the third corpse was perforated in the doorway, by the leading light of the Diogenes Club, Prince Vultan, who conveniently chose to close that meeting and take advantage of the cruelly parallel doors. Neat as this was, it was heinous, totally unprovoked and delivered to an entirely innocent individual called, ahem, 'The Grand High Illuminated One'. Therefore Prince Vultan is identified as a Most Wanted Mr Ed Heaney.

PLAY 2

At this point RootVegSoc is summoned by its very own President, Mrs Nighty, Aubergine in hand and Constitution at the Ready. RootVegSoc is a 'constitutional democracy' as shall be divulged shortly... As more people preferred Sheila (even if only to enquire about the availability of Ham therein) this took over the Blue Drawing Room while RootVegSoc set up shop in The Temple of The Small Gods. To background sounds of silly voices and "Votes for..." "Votes against..." and "ah, so we have two votes against and one vote for, but I'm the President *and* I'm holding an Adult Aubergine so it says here that my vote counts as *three* votes..." (even "so spake A.A. Aubergine?" and "Gratias Auberginus A.A. Auberginei ?") Benelux Poirot--Poirot--Cluseau decided to set up a sniping position outside the toilet door, when who should try to retrieve a vicious Nerf--gun concealed in the empty Senior Pantry but Devil Bunny... "Gui cahn't be 'aving zat...Sacre Bleu! I am Guanted Criminel now!" So you are, you naughty, naughty man. Ed "Benelux Poirot--Poirot--Cluseau" Anderson can now keep Ed "Prince Vultan" Heaney company on the Want-Ed list... And my, that was a vicious exchange in RootVegSoc, with President Mrs Nighty losing a leg but wiping out his assailant Aeaeaeaeaes XIX and "Prince Vultan" charging in from Sheila...

And a report from our man/woman/child/bird/beast/demonic entity in Sheila:

When RootVegSoc closed, a penguin was suddenly dropped in Sheila next door, and several unsucessful attempts made. Sheila was quickly restarted with the addition of a member of RootVegSoc, one Mrs Nighty holding a gun in readiness to dispatch

[oooo, witnesses ! one Mr Martin Lester holding a gun in readiness to dispatch]

the lone Sheilite (Simeon) when he dropped the penguin he was holding 50cm above the floor. When this (finally) happened, there was a flash of blood, before Maz and Simeon realised simultaneously that Maz had said "Bang!" instead of "Ping!", and Simeon had shot with a band gun at far too close a range. As comprehension dawned within their respective eyes, a vast shout of "PING!" rose up to Heaven, and both declared themselves honourably dead.

Prince Vultan declared that Gordon was, strangely, alive.

PLAY 3

Meanwhile Benelux is out of bounds, humming "Rule Britannia" behind a Daily Telegraph in the reopened Diogenes. Most other people are eating ginger cake in the Salon D'Eau, but what is this? The Reincarnation of Sergeant Yukon, called Bjoern Hierzemenzel (with guaranteed heavy weapons instead of Inner Half society privileges) is hanging around the Diogenes club with that evil dartgun, looking for revenge... "But Kateau, zere are many Illuminati and just one of me... Deun't you even zink about it, Kateau... Gui Muzt pact to wipe zem all out or zey gueell Feeeel le Monde weeeez zeir Steeeeeeenking Geeeeeenger Cake, Kateau... The Reincarnation hesitates as they walk into the corridoor. Oops, naughty treachery by hatstrike. Benelux legs it, large numbers of people with SZS pamphalets in pursuit. [SZS is, clearly, Societas Zingiberenifera Secreta, as founded by Sally Clough in her double murder of Alex Churchill and Angela Rayner, and somewhat twisted by the likes of Ed Anderson, Bryony Baines and perhaps Ed Allcutt. It was used "as an excuse" for finding out about pigeonhole, JCR, bar and room locations, alongside how tetchy various porters are and which colleges have cctv, in the "buildup" to Mayweek 03.] The bloodied corpses of Mrs Nighty and of Germaine Greer were eventually recovered from the subsequent scrum. Prince Vultan died within approximately this period too.

PLAY 4

[involved some cooking and eating, incl of ginger-cake, and perhaps more Ping-pong]

Benelux was then ambushed illegally from the Kitchen (out of bounds if 'obs were 'ot; no prizes for guessing who'd turned them on...), and at illegal range for a bandgun, by Timothy Mouse. Benelux suggested a duel with one band on each bandgun. Agreed by squeaking and nodding. Benelux configures hat as shield as they turn. He dodges while Timothy's own gun jams. Oopsie, not as deft as Mr Richards! Benelux anticipates a second duck and *arcs* the foamball.

"SQUEEEEEAK" mournfully proclaims the Death of Rats.

" 'oo said anyzing about not using *addizzional* guepons?" grins Benelux--Poirot--Poirot--Cluseau. "... Aaah Ze Bells, Ze Bells!."

PLAY 5

At around this point the Upholder of the Decency and Notorious RootVegSoc Dignitary and Double-Founder Andrew Parker has had quite enough and assails the half-Belgian half-French detective from behind. We forget if he was extending his tally to five at the time of this well-deserved trouncing (eliminating "Yves Snelldraugh" of Sheila?, who "bounces when illusioned", heh, and *also* bleeds when impaled...) What is sure is that Andrew Parker thought he was wanted at the time, for the immediately antecedent murder of his RootVegSoc pal (but that turned out to be *perfectly* legal), was witnessed and was definitely heroic, wherupon he is named in the News as a Mr Simeon Bird of Pembroke College, and is Awarded the "Vigilante Hero's Medal" (there being no Police in this game). He then? proceeded to kill Tigerbunny, a spree which would lift him into the Inner Half Final! Someone also killed "the Baroness" and "Attila the Bun" within a few minutes of this time.

We had the misfortune that the Dexterous Diadophis, who "has a strange mental problem that means whenever CICCU is mentioned, he has a desperate need to scratch his behind" and is president of the "Non-Consensual Casual Sex Society" that the University refuses to recognize and no less than a Founding member of "CICCHAS", and his Nottinghaminian sidekick the Mighty Ox, were not, after all in attendence. Nobody figured out why Sir Alasdair Digby--Vane--Trumpington (President of Diogenes) or Simeon Saperia (who "cooks whilst wearing a hat") were found slumped in (separate) pools of blood. Could whoever killed them, and Reverend Ricardo of CICCU, please own up!

PLAY 6: TRUCE TO DO SOMETHING ELSE...

There was then an indoor game of Capture the Flag. Except it was Capture the Wig, since Masters of Disguise were present... One outrage which occurred therein is that Simeon said hand-held pens only. At this point, a legendary weapon called "The Force" (Mayweek 00: a mechanical hand on a pole: One can Strangle At A Distance With The Force, Block Shots With The Force, Scratch One's Back With The Force and Make Obscene Gestures With The Force...) was uncached by one team and pens were taped onto it... Resulting in one of the victories of the Red Headband Team...

Freshly in from the Committee and the Red Headband Faction:

Capture the Flag was fought nobly, ably, and cunningly by people diving under tables, hiding behind doors and occasionally firing band guns. I believe that in one round the general confusion was such that the flag was lost rather than captured. When the body count mounted so high as to restrict movement, play was called off.

PLAY 7

Crocsoc was convened by its President, Benelux Poirot--Poirot--Cluseau (ressurrectands who were Wanted in previous incarnation have Bad Karma in this game and fail to be able to change pseudonym...) Crocsoc closes whenever nobody is actively working on a crocodile. Therefore, when only President Poirot was, he dropped his brush and produced a stunning legal double-kill with a characteristic Ping-Ping noise. He followed this up in a later lapse by running somebody through with his "rapier" however, this time Pavarotti had anticipated this move and concurrently backstabbed him.

From One of the Pile of Corpses on the Pyre of Offler,

Being a victim of this doule-kill convinced me that Cauians have some sort of telepathic network or secret sign language. It was as if they had been replaced by a many-tentacled ultra Cauian, so fast and cohesively did they act.

PLAY 8 and 9

Pavarotti proceeded to set up Socksoc, revealing that this is about exhibiting one's socks (and very nice long matching rainbow socks they were too!) Now, apparently those with matching socks are societally-termed homosocksual while those with odd socks are termed heterosoxual. Regrettably, however, Pavarotti did not live to set up another Socksoc meeting. Recliningsoc consists of all people reclining in a given area. Therefore only people standing can be assaulted and even then only by other people standing. This resulted in the death of Seahorse, Tropical Fish, Crab, Dolphin and Killer Octopus. The highly confusing Seahorse II, however, went down after taking an arm-wound in a ferocious exchange with a decidedly non-inner-half killer who had preferred to be "lurking in the kitchen". The subsequent round saw the Death of goldfish and Ministeria Malibu a Cola, which paved the way for the pseudonyms "Shiny Things" and "Is Invisible" to be dealt out in the same round... along with "Corkscrew", "Lauren", "Foxy"... Did we even have a "Jonathan Woolgar?" Everyone died bar "Is Invisible", who misunderstood "can I see you" to mean "do I have line of sight through the fake wall between Crocsoc II and Reclining soc, leading to a Crocsoc pinpoint-timing headshot kill with exactly the same Giraffe that he used for a pinpoint-timing headshot kill of Charlie Baylis upon ressurrecting in a Sheila aftermath in Mayweek 99. Philip Bielby killed pretty much everyone else after bursting in from the Salon d'Eau. He duelled Ed Anderson for about 15 minutes round a sequence of doors. Unfortunately, Ed Anderson of Peterhouse had stolen and strategically cached just too many weapons throughout the evening, which made his retreat premeditated and resourceful. He eventually succeeded in killing Philip with an over-the-doortop lob of a "Stalinist Toilet Seat" (an airline pillow representing the corrugated iron surface of certain artifacts he encountered in Moscow State University in 1996 while on Olympiad duty) thereby proclaiming himself "Sole Survivor of the Open Play Part" and "The Highest Scorer" . However, since he was also the Umpire he disqualified himself at this point. So the Duel To See Who Won was between the Entirely Legitimate Next-Highest Scorers Simeon Bird and Philip Bielby (with apologies to Martin Lester , of Gonville and Caius College, who had also been trying pretty hard *and* had played more entertainingly and in the spirit of the Inner Half than anyone else, and is therefore Awarded: The Inner Half MSc! [Master of Silliness and Creativity!!!])

PLAY 10: THE DUEL AND AFTERMATH

The duel was blindfolded with the highly safe Hamleys Toy Fencing Swords. Philip won by fighting from a low kneeling position and stabbing upwards, while Simeon, unaware of this, slashed way too high...

So, we have: A Winner!!! . . . Philip Bielby , the First-Year from Gonville and Caius!!!

And there was an aftermath: blindfold bandflicking, sometimes starting with zero ammo! (there was plenty on the floor by this point. I wonder why.)

just in from one of the more gomatose participants:

A later 3-way duel involved Simeon Bird being shot - in the leg - within the first few seconds. The tottering steps he took immediately prior to falling over attracted unwanted attention, and he was shot again, in the same leg. After much crawling around, he was shot in one arm, and later, in the other arm. He attempted for a while to shake a knife out of his trouser pocket in order to hold it between his teeth, but was unsuccessful. After about 10 minutes of this, his opponent (finally) succeeded in shooting him somewhere vital. Ed Heaney of Christs' College was found to excell over all other comers at this event, and therefore shares with Philip the All Souls Prize for Excellence at Blindfold Duelling!!!